I am a former mormon. I am posting this to some how, clean my mind of the junk that collected in it for 33 years.

I was once a good practiceing Mormon, who did all he could to magnify his callings. I paid titheing, went to the temple, got my garments, and eventually was married and sealed.

However, being mormon was very stressful. I could never ever be as perfect as I was told I should be. I also always seemed to have problems with it. I prayed, and I prayed hard, yet I never felt that "burning in the bussom", I faked it and said I did, to please my parents and adult leader. I got my patriarchial blessing....and I tried so hard to do those things that were promised to me.

Eventually, I married a woman and we were sealed in the Temple...for alll time and eternity..blah, blah, blah. After 5 years she left me for another guy. I then married another woman and was sealed to her in the temple as well, needless to say that marriage went bye-bye in 9 months, so I got married again, however it had its issues. During that marriage I prayed for the things I needed, with a sincere heart too.....yet it was never answered....God did not respond once with even a hint of what I needed. I truely felt there is no God.

I can't believe I thought the BoM was true, with all of it's innacuracy and the things that make one go WTF. I did all those things willingly. The Temple ceremony...WTF was that! Titheing good to know I was padding someones pockets. Serving a mission, that I did only to please my parents and leaders....well that will be time that I will never get back. Along with spending 3 hours every sunday, plus some more mormon time during the week. Damn I have wasted so much time!!!
For what? For a hoax of a religion? For a sham of a book?...yep that is what I did.

So now I struggle with guilt. I left my own family since they are ALL TBM's, moved across the US and I am trying to make a new life. My family knows I am not in the fold. The church knows it as well, as I requested to be removed from the rolls. The church even tried to have a disciplinary hearing on me, of which I didn't attend. I had stated my request. But somehow, I am still probably on those membership records...damn it! I am also trying to figure out what to do with my new found freedom. Coffee....it's great! Alcohol, good too...but I still like coffee more. Not to interested in tobacco.

Why did I leave? I can't put my finger on it. Probably, it was an accumulation of things. The women were just not like the women I have met outside of church. Looking back all the best relationships with women I have ever had were with women outside of the church...they just were more genuine with me. Also, time now I have Sunday's to myself. Also I have 10% of my income back too!

However, I still feel a bit of guilt leaveing. I don't know if it will go away, or what. I am departed.

Welcome, Departed!

Time helps with the guilt feeling, some.
I can't shake knowing what my family thinks of me. Exaggerated "sins", outright lies, they don't believe the reasons I tells them... Their spin on my departure makes me feel sick more than guilty, nowadays, but I guess I've been out for a long time. Everyone has their own pace of recovery, their own obstacles to deal with.

I spent many years feeling guilty about leaving, but learning all the concrete reasons the church is a bad, bad thing really helped me a lot.

I totally agree that people outside TSCC are much more genuine.

Thank you for your post

and welcome to the real world

Welcome. Yes, changing your whole life can leave some feelings of guilt. I think that's a normal response.

All I know is that time does help. I take the position of feeling what ever it is I feel, then finding a way to let it go if it is not giving me the results I want and need.

It's a new kind of life to take your power back and own it and take control of your life on your own terms.

Gosh, you've had a difficult time in marriages.
You've been through some hard times.

Sounds to me like you are making progress, cleaning out the old ideas that don't work for you and finding a way to live your life the way you want.

Hang in there. In my experience, things get better. Time is on our side.

for leaving. You're feelings have been hijacked to make you obedient and compliant to the LDS church. This may have been done out of sincere belief that it's wrong to leave, but the result is that you are afraid you've done something wrong.

However, those feelings don't actually mean you are doing something wrong.

There are people who have been conditioned by THEIR religions not to cut their hair, or to have blood transfusions, or go to medical doctors. That doesn't mean it's BAD to do those things, either. It just means they have been conditioned. And other controlling religions have WAY worse threats for leaving than Mormonism does.

The question is how to overcome that conditioning. What worked for me was to think through EVERY thing I had been taught to do or not to do, and decide what I thought the truth was about it. And then I had to actually DO the thing I was afraid to do. So, I had to GO shopping on Sunday and see that I wasn't going to get in a car accident or be struck down. And it also helped to CELEBRATE my new activities . . "I LOVE shopping on Sundays! No lines, no traffic, great parking, and I see all my exmo friends at Costco". And I would JOKE about the depravity of shopping on Sunday, and about the fear of being struck down.

So: Decide your new values, Do those formerly forbidden things that you deem to be ethically responsible, Celebrate them, and Joke about your former hangups.

It may take a while, but eventually you'll recondition your own mind.

Did I mention the LDS church is hogwash? Honestly, nobody needs to feel BAd for leaving. You deserve a toast for leaving!

Departed Wrote:
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> I can't believe I thought the BoM was true,

a HUUUGE ditto to that.

welcome!