Basically, I am struggling a lot in making some tough decisions regarding relationships. My parents have never given me parental advice except to assure me that if it was immoral, it was evil (aka if anything you're doing involves sex, it's all bound to go to ruin.)
Who do you go to for advice? How do you find your answers? What do we do now that we're all unworthy of hearing the still small voice?

I'm not being dismissive when I say this, but...

To my cat.

A no-nonsense creature who looks me in the eyes and
pretends to listen. Who lets me stoke her fur a little.
And then we sit at the window together and watch for birds.

Nothing gets solved in all of that -- but it helps me
get my thoughts in order, tamp down any counter-productive
emotions, and begin to look for answers in unexpected places.

UD

I didn't even realize it was you Uncle Dale.....
I think what UD is saying is the answers lie within you.
Trust your own instincts.

Yes, you do have some tough decisions to make based on other posts. In the end you just have to make a decision.

The still small voice was never a good approach in the first place. However I find that I still have a similar experience. Often when making a decision I will get to the point where both my head and heart are in agreement and I feel at peace. It feels just like the still small voice did.

Often when I am looking for answers, I already know them.

I just don't want it to be the answer it is.

I contemplate options and details that may be factors...

Then... I listen to my body and consider how things feel when I lay out the options. If I think about something and it feels dreadful and gives me an anxiety fit, then probably not a good idea. If I feel a sense of connection, then that seems a better idea.

In Yogic terms, I tend to follow the prana (the life force), even when it is scary, even when I don't know. And it may lead me in some strange places, but I tend to feel more 'right' where I am and I learn a lot.

Basically, I 'go with my gut'. And if I don't know, I wait a bit and maybe talk it through with a friend and go through whatever emotions I may need to. And if no clarity, I may take a baby step and see how that feels.

My wife, although I've always had difficulty discussing intensely private matters. I talked almost daily with mt late Father. He was my friend, we farmer together and he was the best man I'll ever know. We both went through some tough times keepin' the business afloat but he was always a good one to talk to.

When I was raising my kids I didn't want to fall back on the way I had been raised in Mormonism and so I listened to many other ways of living and thinking. I recall being SHOCKED when my daughter's first grade teacher explained how she was dealing with her kids visiting from college with their significant others of the time. She said she made up all the guest beds and made everything available and then said good night and went to bed leaving the kids to work out all the sleeping arrangements. My shocked look must have surprised her because she said, "Well, you don't want your kids to be virgins when they marry, do you?" and I was like...NO, I don't think being a virgin on your wedding night is a very realistic way to begin your life with a person...whether they are your first or not. And from that point on I thought more about what the implications of experiences was OVER what I had been taught was important. So now both of my kids are successful adults. One is married and one is living with their significant partner. Both have had numerous experiences with my blessing and both are pretty great people.

inside myself.

I'm convinced we "know" the answers to those tough questions -- inside. Much of the time we ask for advice, but we know what we think is best and asking is for confirmation one way of the other.

Depending on what I want to know, I go to someone who has expertise or skill I don't have.
I rely on principles of thinking and behavior that will give me the results I want.

But lots of so-called questions that I used to think I had the answers to really don't have any answers. And I don't need a lot of answers.

It sounds like major transitional stuff, a neutral therapist might be able to help you navigate and exploration process.

I make a detailed, written plan outlining the best course of action. Then I panic and scramble to make things work out as I put out fires along the way.

mostly google or youtube, you can find a lot there and find both sides of an argument to just about any question you have.

In some situations I'll ask myself, what is the long term affect of ____? what is the worst that can happen if _____ goes this way or that way. also I try to minimize going a route where I will drive myself absolutely crazy stressing about it. Also I would ask myself do I want this vs. and I doing this to please someone else? Is this good for me or a cause and effect of something else I didn't want?

For instance when I was struggling with telling my parents I wasn't going to be part of tssc anymore...for a bit I thought I may just have to be forever inactive because I figured telling them the truth that I wanted out would crush them forever but as I thought more and more I realized I'm in my late 20s, I'm an adult, its MY life that I can and want to control and what is the worst that could really happen? they are bummed a while but will have to get over it ? In my case I knew my parents wouldn't do anything drastic like disown me so I guess it was easier for me than for some, but I just realized that really those who want to be in my life will have to accept certain things about me because I want to live an honest life and that in the end those little disturbances (ok, leaving tssc wasn't exactly little) blow over and life goes back to normal.

My Magic 8 ball has never let me down.

For the record, whatever you feel comfortable sharing, I would love to know what you end up doing with your journey with your relationship and where it ultimately leads however and whenever that may occur. (You may need to remind me of the story since I may not remember your screen name if it is sometime down the road.).

Good luck.

I go to the cemetery. I realize quickly that I am alive and need to get on with living.

Meaning can be meaningless if it stops you from meandering.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/17/2012 07:29AM by Jesus Smith.

I stopped asking them.

Here is a good starting place.

When I left mormonism, I was like a deer in the woods. They don't leap over enclosures when they can't see or anticipate what's inside.

I was cautious until I learned the territory and started seeing possible consequences.

You're wise to ask these questions. I've met exmormons who go a little crazy and are out to try and do anything that mormons disapprove. Better to stick with what you're used to temporarily until you have come to terms with your own new hard earned will thought out values.

No need to look to others when you have the ability to gain your own wisdom.

That still, small voice is still there, because it was always coming from me.

I try to use both logic and emotion to make decisions. It usually comes down to two or three options. I pick one and pretend I've made the decision, put myself in the situation and see what happens and how I feel about it. Things might go well, or they might go wrong. Can I live with the worst that could happen? Is it worth the risk?

Usually, if it's a choice between doing something I want to do but am afraid of or nervous about, or doing nothing - I'm more likely to choose to act. Better to try and fail than never to try at all. But do it with your eyes open, aware of all the possible consequences. In most situations, I think it's worth taking the chance.

If you can't learn it on 30 Rock or Modern Family, it's generally not worth knowing. There's scientific evidence of this, much like with the Book of Mormon. If you expand your scientific horizons, you will also find truths in The Colbert Report, the Daily Show, and Rock Center with Brian Williams.

I do miss sitting at the feet of Mormon Prophet and abdicating all my personal responsibilities to him so that he could make my life's decisions, but that is no longer to be. It was less complicated that way, though.

Decisions are not my strongest suit, because I'm rather afraid of making mistakes (I wonder where picked THAT up?)

Something that has helped me: Many decisions are just your preference. I tell myself on these types of decisions that no matter what I decide, I'm "right".


You specifically mentioned that you are trying to make tough decisions about relationships. That could be a whole different can of worms that just decision-making skills. Are you dealing with a difficult person who you aren't sure you want to be with? That might call for a greater understanding what a healthy relationship is, or even co-dependence or abuse before you make a decision. Or if your decision involves a physical relationship, it might require you to reexamine/reject (or reaffirm) what your values are.

Having just left the church, sometimes you need to redefine relationships. Taking a different religious stance can change everything, and sometimes it doesn't bring out the best in everyone. If this is a romantic relationship you are talking about, my suggestion is that you don't make any longterm commitments until you have fully processed your transition out of the church. This means that you have worked out what you believe is right and wrong, and don't have a lot of hangups or brainwashing triggers.

If you get specific about what's bugging you in your relationship(s) and you might get some really good advice from people who have been through similar situations.

It's been a great relief to me to realize that often there isn't a right or a wrong answer, just a choice.