I feel compelled to document this right now. While I've had all of these symptoms before (except the sweaty night terrors), I haven't had some of the symptoms this strongly since right after my mission, and I want to document what it's like as I go through it.

On the plus, work granted me the leave request today. They didn't have a problem with it. The job still won't be right for me in the long run and keeps contributing to my problems - but at least I have a contingency plan. That should be great news and I'd be happier for it during normal times.

Anyway, the last couple of days have been incredibly brutal. If I hadn't described it before - I began in a constant state of rage. Pure fury. When that finally abated, I still felt completely wound up. Like an armed bomb ready to go off. The weirdest sensation was the heat I could feel beneath my skin while having a cold sheen of sweat on top of my skin. Like a pool of lava beneath a glacier. I left work after an hour because it wasn't good for me to be around people in a work environment.

What was difficult though is that it wasn't great to be alone either. When you "trigger" so much for so long, your body begins to break and your brain starts shouting at you that there's no other way out. No hope. No escape. Kill yourself now. But you're still wound up ready to snap at anything and everyone. So, if I work and something bad happens - I'll lose my shit. But being alone means that I have to constantly swipe away suicidal thoughts.

I was very happy to be able to talk to some of you off board that day. Thank you very much.

Today, everything finally washed out and what was left was the "detachment" from reality. You feel like you are living in a dream. Instead of ghosts haunting you - you are the ghost haunting this world. And nothing you do seems to have any "real consequences."

Meaning that just like in dreams, if you were to get hurt or hurt someone else, it doesn't really matter. Eventually you'll wake up and everyone will be fine.

Unfortunately, just like the enraged stage - it's a dangerous place to be in - but for obvious but different reasons.

You have to keep reminding yourself that you are in reality and you NEED to care. Because you just don't give a shit about anyone or anything.

My hypothesis is that this feeling comes from your body "normalizing" to an increased level of adrenaline - and when you no longer have it, you "crash" and your "true normal" levels aren't "good enough."

Driving home today, I almost got into an accident and the adrenaline surge made me feel "normal" again. And when the danger passed, I felt completely disconnected.

I'm happy to be home and have a relaxing weekend. I don't really have anything planned, and luckily I won't be alone. I do need to call my mother at some point and try to explain all of this to her.

My parents have been good enough to ask in the past about PTSD, and while I understand that it is difficult to truly "get" unless you have it, maybe I just haven't been brutal enough about describing the actual symptoms. And then trying to get her to understand that I can't and shouldn't be alone right now, but I also PHYSICALLY CANNOT handle conflict right now. If I feel threatened, there is no reasoning with me. I will destroy you.

For those of you who had responded to the earlier threads. I really appreciate your concern. And unfortunately, this is a difficult time because I have been going to therapy, I have been working out, and I have really tried hard to cut the alcohol down. I have also been religiously taking my meds.

And things had been manageable until now. The divorce and the stress of what I have to do for my job just broke everything. And in spite of the therapy, drugs, and all the techniques that I've learned over a decade - it just hasn't been enough.

However, while I may feel completely detached from reality, my brain is at least rational enough now to understand that I'm going to get a three month break starting in June to be able to calm down and hopefully find some peace and stability where things will be "manageable" again.

Again, the board has been very helpful, and I think I'm compelled to document this because maybe it will help someone else in the future.

I can't imagine what it must be like to go through that. I admire your courage to talk about it. I don't think many people would do that. I'm sure that it will help someone out there who reads what you write. You may never know who that is, but i'm sure there will be someone. I hope you get through this and come out to other side with some peace in your life.

Rj, I'm glad everything is going better. My second to last companion has PTSD, I think. Our apartment was broken into and my companion beat up one of the assailants and he felt that there were tons of people out to get him after that. I didn't really get scared because I only had 1 week left. So I guess I am trying to say I sorta kinda understand a little tiny bit.

Wow... sounds intense. I only had part of the story and I am glad you are taking the much needed actions and hope your break gives you good time to rejuvenate. I know how intensely one can need a break sometimes and I have taken them myself a few key times in my life. I seem to be better for the breaks usually and often wish I had been able to, willing to, or somehow forced to take the breaks sooner. But it is what it is.

Good luck in your healing and releasing process.

my thoughts go back to 1995 when my son could not take the pain anymore.I do hope you come through this still with us, as the pain for those left behind when a family member leaves his meds untouched is truly shattering.
I read your book several times, and do hope you can arrive at a more peaceful equilibrium,and write some more great opinions laced with creative profanity!
warm fuzzes,
Librarian

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/12/2012 01:23AM by cl2.

Raptor, I've been thru some similar symptoms. I didn't wish to be subject to PTSD, bipolar disorder, seizures, Asperger's, or any other mental or nervous difficulty. I especially didn't wish to suicide, or to hurt any one else in a "rage" or mania or depression.

So I went inside myself to find my own peace and a solution to existential stress. I knew it was in there, and I wouldn't give up until I found it.

Now I channel my suicidal tendencies into kriya yoga and meditation. I die to this world in a disciplined and positive way, better than suicide. I practice pranayama, or life force control. When I meditate, after doing the kriya pranayam exercises, I sit still and restrain my breath. It takes my whole concentration to balance and relax between inbreath and outbreath, which practice takes my mind off problems and dissolves thought itself. And I eventually arrive at a state of inner warmth and stillness, and absorption in light sound vibration. I come to rest.

Now after some years of practice, mood swings, resentments and anger have dissipated, emotion in general is much less disturbing and is usually benign and even pleasant. Loving feelings predominate and I am calm almost all the time. I don't use any pharms.

Kriya meditation is a way to neutralize ego, defuse emotional turmoil, and tame surging brain chemistry without violence to self or others. It is a way to step outside your ego role and view existence with dispassion. The brain chemistry changes are real and lasting.

Kriya yog could help you a lot. It has totally worked for me.

Yes, the adrenaline crash is tough on the body. I really don't have any advice other than I hope it gets better.

The worst part is when you start to feel "normal again" and something awful happens and bam! You're right back to where you were weeks or months ago. I've been through it and it's horrible. (hug)

You can always message me on FB if you need another ear.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/11/2012 09:07PM by Itzpapalotl.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/12/2012 01:24AM by cl2.

Wish I could do something to help. I can't really relate but just from your description, I think I have a little better idea of what PTSD is like. Documenting it is good for helping people like me who've never experienced it to understand a little more. I really hope this three month break helps.

he was hallucinating. He also pretty much lost touch with reality in ways that I could see. One morning he stood on the porch screaming as I left for work. His world was crumbling - because there were worms on the new tomato plants. It was brutal.

It's been decades. He got better. He hasn't had a panic attack for years.

There is hope. Hang on.

You are a strong and brave person - communicating your experience is helpful to those of us that can't walk in your shoes and you do communicate very well.

Thank you for sharing. In your writing I hear my uncle when he would yell in the night during a dream - waking or sleeping - when he stayed with us while I was in high school. The time he spent in Vietnam continues for him, despite the decades that pass for the rest of us.

I also hear my ex-husband, although he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Worst of all, to me, I hear my son in many of your words; he too has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Presently this 18 year old very young man writes to me from his jail cell, awaiting a trial for felony assault charges that he claims are over blown. But I have been on the receiving end of his rage and know that his version and mine have been different every time. I could underline his sentences that ring true to yours in every letter. Your ability to verbalize and describe is a gift - I am sorry it comes at such a price to you.

For those that have added their descriptions and experiences, I appreciate the chance to peak into your world; thank you also.

Always sending you positive thoughts and energy to pull through.

I never knew the difference between PTSD and anxiety disorder. Your post explained it so I can understand it. It sounds every bit as challenging as my son's schizophrenia, which ended his career plans and relationships.

My daughter has anxiety disorder and bipolar, plus the alcohol/cigarette addictions. She has been working with Buddhist concepts of detachment and acceptance and tells me it's helping her as much or more than the cognitive therapy. It's a psychology rather than a religion (although some make it into a religion).

I'll bet if you sent your mother a letter or email outlining what exactly the PTSD experience is, she would be willing to cut you some slack. You are working on a survival level and she needs to know the details of your life struggle before she can understand and cooperate.

I know she loves you and wouldn't deliberately hurt you with idiotic statements like "what will the neighbors think" if she knows you are fighting to stay alive.

Hugs to you.

Anagrammy

PS. I took my own advice and bought a cute little fiberglass trailer that can be towed by any 6 cyl car. You are welcome to borrow it any time, my friend.

Told her what was going on. We both said we were sorry.

I read your book too. I like your posts. You seem to be a solid person. That's old school Solid.

I've thought about this most recent thread a lot. I don't know you, but I hope things go well.