There aren't very good words to describe what it's like to live in a heightened state of rage and panic for two and a half weeks straight.

To feel like you're standing in a raging river of fire until your brain finally calms down enough to leave a dull empty throbbing.

I've worked out every day. I've tried every technique. I'm doing everything I can - but the molten ghasts haunt me. Even in my sleep.

Last night I had sweaty night terrors. I had never had that before. I had only heard soldiers describe them.

To wake up, shaking, drenched in sweat mentally ready to kill anything and everything that moved but physically paralyzed to the bed. To then go throughout the day with the tightness to your chest. That razor's edge of either having a panic attack or worse.

I wanted to go home. But I don't know if I can.

This is just like when I came home from my mission.

It's all happening over again.

Sorry to hear that Raptor...

Your support system has been altered recently and you have extra stressors.

Wish you could come stay with us for a while...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/09/2012 10:19PM by Lost Mystic.

a securing posture/bedding/securing clothing through the night

securing jewelry, consistent weighty same jewlery is securing
take off rings & jewelry concurrent with or major stressors occured wearing- wear only specific securing anchor pieces when triggering. I melted & recast my wedding ring to end the triggering- it is very serious not to wear specific triggering items or have them in your environment.

identify your triggers and strip them from your environment as much as possible- redo. what if it is a speicfic colored item which triggers the memory- not the fact there was furniture or clothes or whatever present during the time of trauma. redo. you are trying to get to a state where your environment holds no triggers to past experiences which roll through time in your emotional and physical arousal state making one hyper vigilant and all that holds.

hair length- textures of things- closeness of clothes- sound and light- are all variables a person can now control which can regulate triggers

I know that cognitive work can help you identify triggers, but haven't met an aware psychologist that could list and position furnishings, light, sound, clothing, (things you can control by positioning or craigs list) contrasted with sequential exposures per your initial trauma event/years sorting through and collating a safer collection for you- different enough from those that incorporated your life experiences during the initial or preceeding trauam not to trigger you. & thats what you need.

some cognitive workers help you identify relation ships and communication experience triggers to emotion based on family situation and interaction-

what I am talking about is stripping your life of triggers- experiencially in a different way. In a 24 hour period or the wrap of time forming your leisure- be trigger free and securing sufficient to generate a maximal state (emotionally) secured from anxiety drug free.

hyper vigilance is the opposisite or an opposite of this. hyper reactive arousal state and survival fight flight is the opposite of this.

in order to go into work- one may need this vigilance stated above. Ending the vigilence, ending the fight flight hyper arousal state- which is being triggered- in order to have suffience secure leisure to rest - is the objective. Knowing this, identify triggers.

for instance, I don't do well with tight clothing or colars around the neck being living with a 7 month airway tightening initial tumor- I don't wear tight necklaces, scarves, zip up collars zipped. this is reasonable. It is a needless trigger to experience. It can be identified and avoided.

for instance, having a light helps orient one in space and time during very real dreaming or flashbacks when one awakes at night particularly when one changes into a sleeping space distinct and different from one slept in when trauma occurred during that part of one's life make it different
& for instance, if one makes distancing distinct changes between furnishings, walls contrasted with the injurious original environmental encounters walls and furnishings.

for instance, distinct different clothes from "on" time (one needs to be vigilant in some respect at work) and "off" time-
both that you can see and that you cannot see.
the hint here is that your body can feel the difference, tactilely- the size, the weight, and fabric, the tug the movement of the clothing items- is radically different between "on" time during your life and "off" time during your life- enabling a secure flow of effortful vigilence, and turning the vigilence or arousal off again- when work is done.
and take it to shoes too. different feeling of the toes or top and bottom of your feet when you are 'on' and vigilant, and 'off' or done with work.

oh my god. it is that specific. You can plan that. It is that specific.

some asthma inhalers pump that arousal state, and epi pen shot pumps that arousal hyyper acute reactive state. Use alternate means to control for breathing that acute vigilance airway opening pumps & know when you need them they are arousal devices that's making you hyper vigilant.
spiriva ? an extreme airway opener make me hyper reactive hyper acutely re reactive- its a central nervous system effort to open air ways. it changes the response to all triggers and makes more acute arousal.
so go in reverse- of that- slow your roll. I changed my living quarters to one with a new central heater/fan so no longer need inhalers.

find the triggers you can control and think about as a means of taking control, not panicing.

It helps me understand my husband's reaction to seemingly innocuous things.

Since I received the gospel of Seroquel, the fear has become manageable.

[Anti-Atheist barb deleted]

Seroquel gave me the best sleep I've ever experienced in my life...But I took myself off of almost all mood stabilizers and anti-depressants about a year and a half ago. But I saved the seroquel for nights when I really need sleep. I take one about once every 2 months.

I take Klonipin to help regulate my anxiety.

Seroquel helped me sleep when i developed PTSD. I still had nightmares, but at least I was able to sleep and not deal with racing thoughts and a punding heart for hours.. The side effects from it were raging insomnia for about 3-4 days after not taking it; While I was on it, I felt sleepy for the first half f the day.

You poor guy....I really feel for you and your circumstances and wish I could give you a hug.

I feel your pain, kind sir. Mine is nowhere near as bad as yours, but for some reason the past 2 weeks my "generalized anxiety disorder" has been peaking...heart racing, mind racing, night sweats...feeling really agitated and just crummy. I wondered if it was brought on by allergies. Then 2 days ago I went to a chiropractor and he diagnosed me with phase 2 neck subluxation. Two adjustments later and I am feeling much calmer. I'm not ready to say that was the cause, but it sorta makes sense that my nervous system was stressed/out of balance. It's like somewhere someone opened up a pressure relief valve. Might be worth a try.

Sorry, that's awful.

No PTSD here but I do know the thing that gives me the most peace is cycling. Working out is good, but there's just something about the leg motion and movement that does wonders for me.

If there is anything in the world I have a true and deep testimony of it's cycling.

I can sympathize because I had severe PTSD after I was a victim of male gang rape several years ago (Guaranteed to cause some issues!!!)

I had to get some therapy and took Zoloft for a year. Fortunately, it's finally over completely, But therapy and the right pills can be a big help.

Of course the Mission Prez accused him of lacking faith, dedication and sand-bagging because he wa a short-timer in the mission.

I don't know how severe his abuse was nor if he suffers for it still, but now I have to wonder.

That's why not all soldiers develop it even though they can be in the exact same scenario.

We are the "lucky" ones.

Including childhood abuse and neglect

Please go seek some non-LDS professional help. I have PTSD from two wars and it isnt fun. Please help yourself!

Thank you for your service.

Even though I'm not military - I like talking about PTSD whenever I can because I feel that people need to be aware of soldiers coming home and their potential needs.

Plus, you never know who you're with who might be suffering from PTSD for whatever reason.

Oh gosh, RJ. I feel your pain. Wasn't a soldier or a missionary, but do have PTSD (trauma survivor here) and sometimes have extended periods of hyper anxiety. Wish I had wise words for you, but I don't. Just know that most everyone here cares about you and is pulling for you.

I can kind of relate. We had something pretty disturbing happen in our family last month and I've been suffering from panic attacks off and on ever since.

probably not in the same way--two accidents in 3 weeks. I've never caused an accident and I'll be 55 in 6 weeks. I had an accident at 6 p.m. yesterday in Laramie, Wyoming--and every time I was exhausted enough to fall asleep, I had the recurring dream--nightmare of hitting that whatever it is called--my mind just drew a blank yet again.

Just went to the movie Avengers and all I could think about is being in this "altered state"--that movie about "dreams"--again my mind is drawing a blank--blew my mind. I always wonder what state I'm living in.

I am always thinking, 'I just don't think I can do this anymore.' I'm so weary of dealing with it. (I have lorazepam for it--but I'm running low--so not taking any.)

Raptor,

Does Xanax help--at least temporarily? Or Klonopin?

Which meds are you taking, and have you changed any of them since one month ago? Your body is yelling: STOP!! It has exceeded its capacity, and needs to rest. Perversely, PTSD prevents rest.

It's great that you're exercising. Keep doing it. But to restore equilibrium, I think your brain needs the right combination of meds, minimal stress and change, and lots of time.

Another challenge is that if you take a benzodiazepine such as Xanax, our brain will likely resist it and cause "rebound anxiety." This is another problem with severe anxiety. It feeds on itself and resists all attempts to alleviate it.

If I were going through this, I would hit the PTSD *very* hard with Klonopin over the course of a few days to try to knock it down with a direct and devastating punch. I'd also get on an SSRI such as Viibryd (no fat gain, no sexual side-effects), or if that isn't enough, in its place (but not together, because that would be fatal), try an MAOI skin patch. (You can't EVER mix SSRI's with MAOI's, or it will kill you.)

Hang in there, friend. This episode could last for months, but you can't give up hope. I promise: it *will* end.

No matter what, do NOT try to ride this out without meds. It won't work. And if you're not doing it already, please see a psychotherapist that you like and trust. You need every weapon that you can get at your disposal.

If you need anything or we can help in any way, as always, just let us know.

Take Care,

Steve

Sorry about the PTSD stuff. I deal with some of that myself. It can be dreadful. I have done some emotional healing processes to help deal with mine. There is a book called "The Bright Red Bow" that talks about the process I went through and they have different people trained in it in different locations. They do have you work with a 'higher power' in some form, but you can just go with 'the Universe' in a sort of abstract way or 'Mother Earth'. It can even be essentially imaginary.

I find that for me my stress and anxiety gets worse with clutter and I do well to clear closets out and organize things and give things away when I am hitting some high stress points. Art and plants help me a lot too. I have been thinking about getting a fish or some fish also. Being around some animals helps, but they can also stress me out further.

There is a meditation cd that is offered by the folks who do the book I mentioned. I have not tried it, but a family member has and has found it helpful. It is not a quick fix as far as changing everything overnight, but I do find that it has helped me along the way in some ways and just has given me a sort of process/view on some things that I can continue to engage with.

I also dealt with some sexual abuse/trauma in the past and I found that working through a lot of that through reading a book and talking to others who had been through sexual abuse/trauma helped me a lot and I made changes as far as environments I put myself in.

A relative dealt with some trauma and anxiety and got off of her coffee which seemed to help.

Working out may be the right answer sometimes, but something lighter may be good sometimes like going for a walk or finding a trusted friend to talk through things with or a therapist not for constant interaction, but for occasional support to work through core things as they resurface. I went through about 6 weeks of slowing down a lot when my sexual abuse feelings were triggered in a dramatic way. Then I stabilized slowly but surely, but I took a break from different friends and insulated myself pretty heavily and in that case I was not working.

I was fortunate enough to have good friends to support me. Some writing and sketching also helps keep me working through things vs holding it all in. I used to meditate, but it got more difficult over time.

I email a couple of good friends about my morning process these days. It depends on what is going on that day with me and what is going on with them. They are people dealing with their own emotional issues and they can listen well. Both have also been through some therapy and have developed a way of engaging that is more compatible with my own.

Oh, also if you are not working with dietary stuff, some of that can help too as you probably know. I watch my hard alcohol and processed sugars (I have learned to make some natural smoothies that are naturally sweetened with fruit).

Also with emotions sometimes minimizing hot spicey foods can be useful as well and minimizing things like tomatoes in the diet - foods that are part of the passion cultures. I will eat more plain yogurt or more milk which seems to be more soothing for me emotionally. I will flavor foods more simple and work to keep that in a more balanced way and then I can steady out a bit more.

Good luck with your explorations/efforts.

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of stress, with the divorce and at work, and when you really need your family - a safe place to relax, regroup, and figure out where to go from here - you don't know if they'll be there for you. You're getting pressure to keep on going and get back to work instead of acceptance. Just like after the mission.
I think you really need something to take the pressure off, and take the time in a relaxing environment to really recover. Whether that means quitting your job, or not - staying with your family, or not - I don't know, I just hope you can find something that helps. Take care of yourself, you have a lot of people here who care about you.

Yes, please Raptor, get some additional help, or go talk it through with someone you trust and can work through it, face to face.

I used to get PTSD every time I got in a car as a driver, and for years could not drive at all, d/t a horrific accident where a drunk driver crossed the median and ran head first into us on the freeway. She flew out (no seatbelt) and landed on the road next to us, and I had to be cut out of our car.

I did nothing for it for a VERY long time, and it limited me in so many ways, for so long, that I finally gave up. Decided I was weak, bad, not cut out to keep on fighting, etc, but I was wrong. WRONG!

I did not truly enjoy the things in life I always had before, and stopped doing the things that I so much wanted to do for myself, and others. Even when others drove me, or I walked along cars moving fast, I would freak sometimes, and obviously, in the US with our car culture, it was a pretty non-stop thing.

And it was agonizing. I beat myself up over not being able to do something every grown-up (and 16 year old, for cripes sake) can and does do, every day. I took jobs I could walk to, or take the bus to. All that did was limit myself, not fix my problem.

Help yourself first. Avoid if possible, the triggers (and if not possible, severely limit exposure to them), until you can get the help you need.

Take any meds that a trusted MD and Psych D professional recommended together/in combo, that you can tolerate, and definitely keep up with any talk therapy you can find locally/can afford.

Don't stop now, keep going. Bust on through! We're here for you.

My PTSD triggers and cues which I intelligently learned to react to with hyper vigilance and an approproprite emotional reactional stance given that cue in that past setting. When I encounter that similar cue that specific cue triggers a response I no longer want in my life. So I avoid those triggers.

Some people embed or learn a way of interacting which, in my original family, placed me in a position within the family in which I encountered some things which weren't very good for me. Although I have tried reaching them or re teaching them how to treat me, I find that some members of my original family now in their mid or elderly adulthood are still frozen where life wounded or taught them- and they cannot change their method of interaction and reaction which is very very damanging for me to this day- so I sadly and I do mean very sadly, avoid those human figures in my original family which are triggers. Because not only in past times, but present times, they maintain and frequently do or say things attempting to denigrate, victimize, castigate, manipulate, agitate- some way to vent their own emotions using another person in front of me or sadly even me. So because they cannot change, or even become aware at this time, I have to choose to arrange my life and my time away from these persons or minimize time and groups or exchanges when they are present. So I choose to disengage.

I notice and attempt to avoid re enactments of past traumas and stressors which I have experienced, and not to bring them into the present although they may own my past. I attempt to use mindful awareness and a myriad of strategies to be here, and not there (the past, my childhood, and times when my life has not felt physically very good. I attempt to minimize time given to thinking or seeking data or expressing or experiencing life's legitimate pains- for instance i will not be attending a play about a child with cancer, since both my children had tumors. I do not pick up my tumor replacement/RX I have it delivered. I hate it and will not give it any more of my life- this is my life which I have left, I try to claim it by being in the present.)
For instance I was blindsided at a funeral, and at least I had an advocate present I knew was on my side. I took the statement about past abuse to a psychologist to get assistance dealing with it. Since then I've learned to put it boundaries so someone else can no longer use me as their priest confessor apologizing getting a load off their conscience in one sentence sentencing me to hours days weeks of imposition, triggering nights of unknown time, changing the meaning of every touch and position, interfering with my present. Boundaries are something I had to learn to set with human triggers from my original family or simply avoid them entirely sadly.

leaving a punishing belief system thats full of catch 22s while good for you is really hard to do. finding new life routine and coping skills (the verbs, in what you do and how you do your day and your night) is really a relief to be separate from the punishing and crazy making catch 22s in the mormon mess you're escaping. But when the coping skills of the primary routine or mission routine get up pray do this do that say this walk there are - away- then, that's when someone some mentor some friend steps in and helps fill in-
what to do next. how to do it. coping skills in a life formerly filled with a mormon heart peppered with little routines taught in primary and bishop's interviews. those become triggers- but one needs to fill in something better.

sometimes a person, however present, and imperfect- temporarily becomes an anchor. even when they act as a trigger. stepping away from a trigger (even when it was anchoring into painful rejecting memories or encounters made present in the here and now) is real real difficult.

because that's how it feels. stepping into a non reacting, non triggering, not hypervigilent emotional and phyiscal state- by changing the triggers that surround you- can make one less reactive.

a non triggering anchor you wear, a non triggering anchor - person that can guide and mentor you really really helps.

Please find someone who hears you, separate from your family & friend stream who can help you resort triggers as painlessly and rapidly as they can. Even leaving or disengaging from a triggering situation is something which may bring one great comfort after peace is found, yet a trial walking across a bridge suspended over shakey ground where you don't know where to put your feet- thats why you're walking away from the trigger. You're on that bridge now walking over and way away from the ground filled with triggers. Insight awaits you across the sky and benches where you'll find a comfortable seat on the other side of the bridge. Just keep walking. Don't stop until you find a seat with someone to talk to who is aware.

knew how to diagnose it. What a nightmare - literally for him. He reached the point where he couldn't sleep at all and was hallucinating constantly.

Thank God for xanax now, which he hardly needs since the Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT).

Panic is a horrible curse. I know drugs and therapy don't even work for some people, but I hope there is something out there for your relief - soon.

Have you heard of the Anxiety and Phobia workbook by Bourne? It was recommended to me by rfm many years ago when I was under some intense stress. Good luck. Anxiety attacks can be brutal.

I am so sorry you are going through this Raptor. You are so kind and funny and helpful to people here on this board it hurts that you are in pain. Do you have someone you can talk to where you are? A few things that might help or at least won't hurt. Limit or cut out completely refined sugar, cakes, cookies, etc. Can you go for a run or walk or bicycle or do some kind or workout every day? Even something like washing the car or mowing the yard with a push mower. Doing moderately hard physical stuff to wear myself out seems to calm my mind. What are you reading? Can you find humorous books or put a real page-turner on your e-reader? What I read really affects my mental state. Listening to good music is something that really really helps too. I have been putting lots and lots of music on my cell phone and going on an hour long walk every day. I started listening to the Grateful Dead and they seem to bring peace to my soul. In bed I put the earbuds in and turn on a Grateful dead concert turn off the outside world. I don't have PTSD like you do, but sever social anxiety. Maybe some of the about would be helpful to you. Take care or yourself Raptor. This too shall pass.

I don't know you, I believe I've read you have seen doctors for your condition. I believe I've read you have had medications prescribed. I believe you should keep trying to get help medically. Psychiatric drugs (in my own experience) work with varying degrees of efficacy. Some have worked well on me and others not very well.

Strangers do care and wish they could help you.

Peace and love go to you...

I'm not sure if I am allowed to post this......
S someone who suffered chronic, debilitating,severe depression and anxiety for years, I totally relate.
I tried every single medication under the sun.
Prozac, zoloft, elavil, buspar, xanax, klonopin, trazadone,.seroquel, and so on ad nauseum......
I was at the end of my rope.
Couldn't face another day of wanting to die, panic attacks, everything that accompanies ptsd.
A friend suggested I try medicinal leaf.
For months I said no, I was absolutely against drugs.
When I reached a point of desperation, I finally tried it.

It was a literal miracle for me.
It's not a daily thing anymore, I find the effects are cumulative.
My family is super pissed that I have " gone off the reservation", and have stopped taking all medication but zoloft.
I did it with the help of my Dr., and I have never been better.

Do I still get depressed and anxious? Hell yes, its a chronic illness. Is my life finally manageable?
Absolutely. It's better.
Medicinal leaf gave me some blessed, blessed relief.
I'm not advocating recreational use.
But truly, it saved my life...that and leaving the church.

Have you tried it? It can be prescribed legally in some states:az, ca, Oregon, not sure about Utah though.
Plus, since its a natural plant, there are no scary side effects.
Maybe read up on it.
My buddies who have ptsd from iraq and Afghanistan say it has drastically reduced the ptsd.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/10/2012 04:33PM by ambivalent exmo.

Oh my goodness. How awful for you. I'm so sorry you are suffering like this. I have had a teeny-tiny experience of PTSD but only once and just very minor. But it sure shook me! Fortunately, I was able to get past it and it never happened again. I can't imagine how difficult things are for you now.
I wish you the best! I hope you can find relief! And FAST!!