Many years ago I volunteered for about 3 yeas for a gay and lesbian suicide hot line. The last call I received and events that followed had a profound impact on my life.

This, in a general way, is the story of "MJ's last call".

In many ways, the call was much like most of the calls I had received in the past. As with most legitimate calls to the line, it did not take long to figure out that the call was "real" and not some homophobic crank. I had enough experience to judge the tone of the caller. There is something about the tone of someone on the verge of suicide that just can not be faked. I knew this was a real suicide call.

The tone of a caller was very important. It would let me know if I was connecting, if I was being successful in bringing someone back from the edge enough that they would likely seek help. The tone of the caller was the only way I could judge success. Other than a change in the tone of the caller, I, or the other volunteers, had no idea if the person got help or not.

During the last call, I while talking with the caller, I would start to connect, I could hear the tone start to change. I would begin to hear the caller start to consider other options. Then, suddenly, I would hear the tone change back to the helplessness with the caller saying:

"But my family loves me, they say they want to help, but they can't because I have turned away from Christ. If I find Christ, Christ could make me straight" This of course is the short version of what he had said. He had also stated that he had been trying to do this for several years and no matter how hard he prayed to Christ, Christ never changed him.

The key was "They want to help" this had the caller trapped in the idea that because the family loved him and wanted to help, that their help was what was best for him. While I fully believe that his family wanted to help and I said so, I could not get across that not all help, even help offered by loved ones, is beneficial to us. That sometimes help offered is harmful to us.

After about 1 1/2 hours, the caller ended the call saying that he needed to accept the help from his family and find Christ again.

At this point, I felt I failed, but there was still some hope that something I said would click and he would find help.

A couple of days later, I read an obituary. There was enough information in the obituary to let me know that it was the person I talked to on my last call. The obit described cause of death using a euphemistic description of suicide. The caller did not make it to morning. He took his life the same night as the call, apparently, right after the call ended.

The Obit claimed "He was a fine Christian and was now in the loving arms of his Saviour".

I actually puked after reading this.

As I said above, we never knew if we were successful or not. But for this last call, I knew, I had failed. This failure forced me into a long period of introspection. I was never again able to work for the hot line. To this day, I don't think I could deal with that sort of situation again.

This last call had a fundamental, profound and lasting impact on how I view people that offer help. People offering help may have the best motives, but the worst ideas and can cause the most damage.

This last call had a fundamental, profound and lasting impact on how I view religion and its power control people.

This last call had a fundamental, profound and lasting impact on how I view Christianity and how blinded by faith many Christians are.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 05/04/2012 12:20PM by MJ.

I would like to say something profound, but I am speechless. It seems hollow to tell you that I am so sorry you had to experience that, or that I am sorry the last caller had to experience that. Or that I am sorry that you probably felt/feel the loss of the caller more profoundly than his family who tried to "help" him. What a tragic story.

Hugs*

Thank you for sharing this.

Ditto. I don't know what else to say.

Long ago I made peace with this incident. Though I am sorry the person took his life, I am not at all sorry that I experienced the event even though I am not willing to put myself in a position where it could happen again. I made peace with the idea that I failed. I was there for him, I did my best, that is all anyone can ask of me. It is more than many people are willing to do.

I posted because someone on this board that I respect said they had a hard time figuring out what makes me tick. So, I posted this to show one of the defining moments of my life, one of the things that makes me tick.

Even though I can look on that last call as a failure, it is one of the moments in my life that I am proud of, that defines and motivates me.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/04/2012 12:57PM by MJ.

During basic training, one of my instructors mentioned that it is our duty to fight for those who cannot fend for themselves.

We received a lot of great training to that effect. Even so, there are some things no amount of training or expertise can cover.

Its comforting to know that you've made peace with this. It was a 50/50 proposition at best. That's a crap-shoot, MJ. Being there increased the odds of aversion by no more or less than 50%. Not being there would have guaranteed the outcome. In that respect it wasn't a failure. The odds simply didn't roll your way.

Whenever two or more gather in his name there is love?

It appears your last client's family loved him to death.

You fight for those who cannot fend for themselves. I salute you. I understand what makes you tick much better now, but as a white male heterosexual I will never fully understand the pain and suffering you've endured.

What I do comprehend does piss me off. So much so that I will also continue to fight for those who cannot fend for themselves.

Timothy



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 05/04/2012 04:10PM by Timothy.

Tim said it all right here:
"You fight for those who cannot fend for themselves. I salute you. I understand what makes you tick much better now, but as a white male heterosexual I will never fully undertstand the pain and suffering you've endured."

Your words are full of compassion and caring Timothy and point to a really good heart. Sometimes we don't have to understand, we just have to care. And that's what you're doing. Thank you.

I had something similar happen to me. It's a life changing moment. You never really get over it. Total strangers step into your life for a moment, and never leave your mind again.

I was a directory assistance operator. A guy came on the line asking for a number for suicide prevention. He was very calm. I told him to stay on the line, and I would connect him. I heard a gun shot, and he was gone.

That was my last day at that job. I was trained to find phone numbers. I never expected something like that to happen. It left me traumatized for a very long time. Even though you know its not your fault, you still feel like there should have been something you could have done. I had some very good counseling that helped me through that.

Though I think I am likely one of the few that can come close to understanding what you went trough, I still can not.

I was trained how to deal with what happened to me and I accepted it as a real possibility. To have something come out of the blue like that, well, I can't really understand how that would impact you.

I do know that it would be profound and life changing.

Good thoughts send your direction.

Mia Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I had something similar happen to me. It's a life
> changing moment. You never really get over it.
> Total strangers step into your life for a moment,
> and never leave your mind again.
>
> I was a directory assistance operator. A guy came
> on the line asking for a number for suicide
> prevention. He was very calm. I told him to stay
> on the line, and I would connect him. I heard a
> gun shot, and he was gone.
>
> That was my last day at that job. I was trained to
> find phone numbers. I never expected something
> like that to happen. It left me traumatized for a
> very long time. Even though you know its not your
> fault, you still feel like there should have been
> something you could have done. I had some very
> good counseling that helped me through that.

Oh! You too?

My call went a bit weird.

A call came into our DQ centre and the caller spoke with a dialect I was familiar with. That of my home city, Birmingham.

He was desperately sad and told me he wanted to end his life. I got talking to him -our order was we pressed a button to call for help from a supervisor- and keep the caller on the line.

Suddenly, somehow, I saw a picture of him in my mind's eye. I told him where he was and he asked me if I was nearby, as I had guessed correctly, he was in a phone box of the corner of what was left of the street I had lived in up until age 5.

That freaked him a bit, but I told him that I had guessed where he was, and I had shown my girlfriend -now my wife!- round the neighbourhood where I had been born only the weekend before.

The next week, I took another call from him, he had taken my suggestion and gone to see his doctor and was a voluntary inpatient in a hospital.

I chatted with him, and when he realised it was the same DQ operator he seemed pleased to be speaking to me. To himself he said softly. "Seems I was wrong. Someone DOES care about me."

After I said goodbye to him, I had to call my supervisor to take me off line for a while, as I was too upset to work for several minutes.

I hoped/hope he is OK. I think about him sometimes, even now.

and I respect him, too--and I was speechless as to how to respond on that thread.

Thank you for posting this. This is one of those things that THEY JUST DON'T GET. If they'll just accept Christ, blah, blah, blah. One of the things I told my son when my daughter was talking about my ex "just stop having sex with men"--I said, "I've seen his pain." NO matter what he put me through--I can never forgive the LDS church for what they did to HIM. Even if they were true--and, no, I don't believe they are--I've seen the pain.

I actually found my son all cut up when he tried to commit suicide when his wife had left him. Someone said to me, 'If he wants to do it--you can't stop him." And I said, "I hope you never find your son like that."

I don't know how often I heard "If he wants to do it--you can't stop him". I don't even know where to start in describing my feelings for that line. About the only thing I can say is that I would NEVER, EVER, use that line with someone that is dealing with the impact of a suicide or attempted suicide.

I think I do not like it because not only does it call attention to the failure in preventing a suicide or the attempt, it implies that the effort to prevent it is futile as well.

Ok, I got the anger over the line out of me, I hope that everything worked out well with your son.

In my life right now. Wow it really makes you feel helpless. My husbands nephew I believe has borderline personality disorder. He refuses to get help although its available to him. He idealizes kids his age 21 that are into a hard life of drinking and drugs and they always seem to choose him as the mark in their online videos. He has been burned and beat- real funny right? He still thinks these kids are cool and family are being over critical of his choice of friends who he whines about standing him up all the time on face book. Its not like they are the only fish in the sea. He has started turning on himself cutting and drinking poisonous volumes of alcohol like self distuction is going to get their sympathy or respect I am not sure which. He has already been in 72 hour hold even though he has since gouged his arm 4" long and 3/4" deep into his muscle. Its an open wound he is begging us not to commit him. All I can say is he needs to change something and stop hurting himself. As a family we are scrambling to fill up his empty time. But how do you wake up a young mans will to live and thrive.

what a horrible situation for you and your son to be in!! i wish i had some comforting words for you but i dont. to be in so much pain that you feel a need to kill yourself is..right now...beyond my scope of understanding! Please do all you can to help him.
I am sure you will!

You might not be able to.

Don't take this wrong, but often in these situations, the whole family is being dysfunctional, each playing a vital role in the situation. The nephew is only one player in a broader drama.

Even if the the nephew does not get help, the rest of the family can get help for themselves. Perhaps in doing so they can learn a better way of dealing with the nephew that will get better results than the strategy of trying to occupy his time.

You are in a tough situation, there are professionals that can help you and the rest of the family though this. But don't get help to fix him, get help to deal with your feelings and how you react to this situation.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/04/2012 03:55PM by MJ.

Yep it's not perfect. And if nephew is successful at ending his life it will be real sad. He really doesn't value the attention he is getting either. He wants to validation from his peer group. He has too much dependency on his Mom who has given him all the money he needs to get into trouble but doesn't have the time or energy as a single parent to help him develop personal interests and sense of self. We kind of hope he will come with us to Utah next month to get away from his environment and habits. He seems to be responding well to my husband showing him how to work in cars. Since my husband is disabled it might be mutually beneficial at least for the summer. Maybe the 67 Malibu Wagon would finally stop being a project car.

Thanks for sharing that MJ...

I can relate to your experience in some ways. Of course my experiences aren't the same, but similar enough.

It's awesome you were able to identify your boundaries and make sense of the situation.

I got really screwed up from working at a place where I dealt with traumatic experiences daily and didn't have the insight to realize that I needed to changes jobs.

You are a wise person; you use your brain well.

It usually takes me a while to get mine going ;)

Thanks for posting that MJ. You made me cry.

Yet another reason i hate this cult. The mentality of death before unchastity explicilty encourages gay children to commit suicide, and parents to prefer a dead child in the CK than a live gay one.

It is wrong and the evilness and ugliness must be exposed.

When Jesus starts healing amputated limbs or Down syndrome, that will get my attention.

I had a similar defining moment. It was with a friend of a friend who was gay and who took his life. He was not an ExMormon as far as I know and lived in another state. I interacted with him briefly and I think he was dead within a couple months. Another friend of a friend I interacted with a few times also took his life. Life can be strange and it sent me soul searching in different ways than I had prior. Thanks for sharing your story. I shared it with another exmo friend.

Thanks for sharing your experience with us MJ. I can only imagine how tough it was to read that obituary, knowing that you were probably the last person to speak to that troubled kid. You did everything you could and sometimes that has to be enough. Maybe someday you'll find your way back to a place where you can once again be of service in an arena that very much needs you. You'll know if and when that time ever comes and where to best apply your compassion.

Years ago in the height of the AIDS crisis in Los Angeles I volunteered with APLA as a bedside visitor at Century City Hospital. I held the hands of guys who were dying and chatted with them and learned about their lives. Many of them had been abandoned by their families (and sometimes their friends) because they were gay and it was heartbreaking to realize that many of them would be dying alone. One of the hardest things I experienced was returning some days to find an empty bed, knowing that it meant they'd moved on from a body that had become impossible to live in anymore.

As difficult as it sometimes was to make those visits to the hospital I felt like I was doing something compassionate and important, regardless of the outcome. None of us knew what AIDS was all about and we all lived in terrible fear and pain as one friend after another disappeared from our lives. We couldn't stop what was already in motion but we could be there with some love and some caring. Sometimes that really is all we can do.

Once people are gone it's hard to ever know what importance we might have had in their lives. You might not have been able to stop the suicide but it's very possible that you gave that kid a moment of respite from his pain with your caring words and kind voice. Even a moment is worth the investment of our time.

Mine was mostly with friends that I knew. I didn't go in and volunteer with strangers, I had my hands full with friends. You are to be commended for the work you did. I know it was not easy.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/04/2012 07:15PM by MJ.

MJ, what you said it exactly right. He treasured his family's opinion more than understanding that some families give their side of things and only their side and will not entertain anything else. No one can break through a person's struggle when itis all about family acceptance. YOU were the last sane person he talked to. YOu were there to show him that judgemental people do not have all the answers. He had an inability to accept that fact. No person answering a suicide hotline can change that.

This person did not need to change his sexuality for anyone. He did however feel a need to be accepted by his family who fed him all the Christ will bring you back to the fold crap. His family should have all the guilt with this one. Not you.

I talk in terms of having failed, because I have to, I did. In saying that, I am not placing blame, guilt or fault on myself.

Anyone that knows me knows where I place the blame.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/04/2012 07:29PM by MJ.

S**t! This... your... post has brought up memories of when I was a DQ (Directory Enquiries) operator several years ago.

People with all sorts of problems would phone in.

I'd had some training in counselling, but for some of my colleagues it was worse, they were thrown in at the deep end.

So many hurting people, they just wanted to know that SOMEONE was hearing them. Were there for them.

You heard him, MJ, you were there for him. At some level, he would have known that and appreciated it as someone being there. For him.

I second that.

I don't really expect people to understand. I do not have a problem with admitting the failure that some here think I should have. I made the attempt knowing that I could fail. I did fail. That is life and the nature of the situation in cold hard facts. I either accept those facts and grow from the experience or I go nuts trying to stuff the feelings brought on by reality.

Please understand that I need to look at it this way. I am unable to explain away the failure the way so many have suggested. I have come to terms and to peace with it. Although it was a failure, I am proud of the attempt.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/04/2012 08:21PM by MJ.

Sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes it does.

I recall a colleague being on the phone to someone who had taken an overdose, she was on that call for a couple of hours, just keeping him awake, talking to him while the phone company traced his call.

She was really calm on the phone to him, she only lost it after she was able to end the call, when the paramedics and the police broke down the door to his flat. And he thanked her as the came in.

I wish more Morg families of gays and lesbians could read your post. It could help. Thanks for sharing.

I just don't see mormons doing that.

MJ.
you didn't fail. It makes me sad that you see it that way. No matter how hard we try, we can't save everyone. Even when they come to us, asking us to save them. We are not super humans. We just aren't. We can't undo their past, unbreak their hearts, or turn them into who they wish they were. We can't vanish the demons out of their lives, or make their mothers love them.

We have brief moments with some. We don't even know what their demons are. How can we be expected in one brief moment in time to heal them from every torment that has come their way? We can't. We can only give them what we have in that moment, and hope it is enough, when we don't even know what enough is. All we can give is what we have in the moment. To be there in that moment for someone, makes you more than most mortals ever are. It's heart breaking when we can't break through to stop people from dying. Nobody could have. Not me, not anyone. Not even you. some people just can't do life any more.

Seriously, why can't you all accept that I was their to stop suicides and on that night I failed to stop a suicide? I don't know of a much more text book definition of failure.

I attempted to stop a suicide, I failed in that attempt. How can that not be clear? How can that not be a failure?

Why do you all seem to have a problem with the fact that I have ACCEPTED this as a failure and am at peace with that, then you seem compelled to force your view of the situation on me?

Be sad, I am sad that I failed. That is the nature of suicide hot lines some times they succeed in saving people some times they fail.

I am at the point of telling people to BUT OUT and stop telling me how I should feel.

I have said repeatedly that I am at peace with considering this a failure. In fact I have stated that I NEED to view this as a failure. Still people insist on telling me I did not fail. Why can't you all accept the resolution I come to? It is the resolution that works for ME, it is the resolution that *I* am happy with. Why can't that be good enough for you all.



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 05/05/2012 03:56AM by MJ.