My ex (number two) and I are finally really done. Just two Weeks after prophesying her undying love and desire for us to move forward, she is engaged. I know she has caused nothing but pain and loss in my life, I know she would have never changed, I know she is toxic. But I can't stop the love and the pain. I tried so hard. I lost so much. I can't blame get for my reactions that resulted insome of the loss, I could have chosen different reactions, I own that. But the fact remains that if I had never met her, I would not be out of a job, bankrupt and so damn far from my kids. She has stepped out on me more than once, and stepped out on me in emotional affairsinnumerable times, all while tearfully proclaiming her love for me. I have forgiven and tried to tell her she needed to get my trust back. she would always take this a rejection and even if I was with her every day, she would find others to give her validation. I know this is best but can't turn off the pain. It hurts so bad.

Ctus - I'm so sorry. I really don't know what to say. Just hang in there. Things will turn around for you - although it probably doesn't seem like that at the moment.

I feel the pain through your words. I'm sorry that you're feeling so hurt, there is probably not much I can say to make your pain hurt less, but hang in there. Many of us have gone through the pain of losing love, it sucks but it will eventually recede.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. At some point you are going to have to let go of her. She left, despite everything you did. That tells you what kind of person she is, and when you finally internalize that this is a bad person who hurt you terribly, you can start to understand why you put up with it so long and how you can avoid making the same mistake with your next relationship.

This all happened many years before I met my wife.

I loved someone who was, well, let's say it was a doomed relationship. She was six years older than me and had three children.

When your lover -the first real, long term love in your life- tells you it is over, as she has formed a 'relationship' with another woman, that... well, that did hurt. Because I knew I could not do anything about that. It had been an on-off relationship, but that was the end of it, really.

Fuck. I was just a kid, really, and I had nobody to talk to about it. I found it hard to cope with what happened,

In fact, I think this is the first time I have mentioned this. Plus the fact that she had tearfully intimated (but never said as much) that she might have been working as a part time escort...

A few years later I received a message that she wanted to start seeing me again. It took me a lot of courage, but I didn't take up the offer. Her ability to turn her love on and off caused me a lot of angst and I really couldn't be arsed to deal with that s&&t again.

Oh. Sorry. I just threadjacked you. :o((

I am now listening to a bit of really old Bluegrass music to cheer me up.

I don't think you threadjacked at all. That's the same kind of situation, and it takes some courage and self-confidence to say no to a destructive person.

I wish I could borrow that bit of britishism, but no one would understand what I mean, and they'd think I was nuts.

- now THAT was a threadjack.

I have an ex who was a serial cheating, lying pile of doodoo who left a long trail behind him - and he did this to me, 25 years after I left him. I verbally ripped him a new one; made sure he'd never, ever try to contact me ever again.

Heal, dear man, heal. I'm sorry for the pain you're in now. Maybe a laugh will help.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7MuwPlOiNQ

serena Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I wish I could borrow that bit of britishism, but
> no one would understand what I mean, and they'd
> think I was nuts.
>
> - now THAT was a threadjack.

Other useful Britishisms are:

"Sorry!" When someone bumps into you.

And: "Someone's pissed on his chips!" when a plan has been thwarted or someone's been upset by the actions of another. Same meaning as: "rained on their parade."

Although there seems no end to the agony (like my marriage of 20+ years ending), not only will it get better, but there is a great possibility of wonderful times ahead.

Just remember the time before you met current partner and how you felt when you were first introduced to her. That is what it **WILL BE** like in the future when another charming lady inserts herself into your life .

Also because of what you are going through at the moment, you will easily be able to recognize the character flaws of a future potential Lady Ctus, based on the imperfections of current lady.

The current pain will be forgotten and a couple of years into the future, you will wonder why you allowed her to cause you this much pain.

Peace be with you and try some new and exciting travel or find a job near your children and keep your opportunities open.

JB

I appreciate the kind words. I realize that I need to get my heart to the point where my head is and move on. The best I am doing right now is to tell myself that I will be ok. I know I will, but i wish I could be there and not have to get there.

I've helped many people get through divorces--my brother, my son, even my current boyfriend (he was my boyfriend at age 20 and he came back into my life after his wife left him).

I always think in terms of "I just need to get them 3 months down the road." Three months if the big turning point. My ex left me bankrupt, too, but I still had my kids.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any answers for you--I wish there was a way around it, but there isn't.

I call in sick to everything, turn off the phones, dim the lights, crawl into bed, eat Moose Tracks ice cream, watch old movies, and cry for a couple of days. You're a dude so that might not do the trick for you . . . but you get the picture.

Be kind to yourself. This too will pass.

;o)

Get out and enjoy what you use to enjoy doing one day at a time.
So sorry you have to go through this. But this too will pass.
I'm sending you big hugs from this MexMom.

I am so sorry she has hurt you like this. But do know there is much to the story of cheaters- many never quit. YOU need to be rid of that sort of person. Recall the good times and try as H___to forget all the bad. Move on and count her as an "experience". All the best. It will get better.

Many years ago, Somerset Maugham described your situation very well in his book
Of Human Bondage

I know it won't help you much to hear that you dodged a bullet, but with with some people there is just no future.

Don't internalize useless and unwarranted guilt.
Whatever your reactions were or might have been with her, it would have made no difference in the long run.

You can shake off this addiction.

It is making it so much harder because I am back in town visiting my kids. I had already planned the trip when I found out about her engagement. She is right down the road and it is killing me. One of several reasons I left was because of her, and then stupidly, I still tried to work on things.

So I left my kids behind, and I really have little future here besides them, no job, she is gone, but every time I come here to visit them, i am worried the pain will come back.

I have zero self esteem left. What she has done to me has left me feeling utterly disposable. Completely worthless. I haven't been able to find work back here or where I moved, no future with her (never really was, I know) I am away from my kids. I have to pull out of this damn mess but so very low and tired of getting back up.

I know that there are those that will say to stop feeling sorry for myself, I am trying. I guess today is an all time low. I am sorry for complaining but I really appreciate the time people take with advice and care. I really am listening.

Like I said, I am at an all time low as far as self esteem, and feeling sorry for myself. I will get back on the horse, but tonight, I really don't want to.

This sucks Ctus! Been where you are and it does get better with time :-) Allow yourself the time to feel what you're experiencing - it is cathartic. Fortunately (or unfortunately) it does help to cry (even for a guy :-) and get it out! Give yourself time, be patient with your feelings and time will help heal the pain.

Then, when you're ready, dust yourself off, get up and get your life back! Find what you're passionate about and start living . . . before you know it, this will all be behind you and life will be good again!

Stop torturing yourself over a woman who did not want to be with you, no amount of meow is worth that much trouble.

All people date for a while and, if one of them backs out, then it's over.
It's the same pattern for everyone, move on.

Time for tough love.

Stuff her.
Grow a pair, delete her from your life entirely, have fun with your buddies for the next twelve months and then move on.

it didn't help to tell anyone "other people have it worse"--or "just get over it"--

Believe me--I have a picture of myself at my worst. I have no clue how much I weighed at the time. Even my daughter and ex are shocked when they saw the picture. I had to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I don't know how I did it.

Something I did do is I didn't listen to love songs, etc., the radio. I bought a bunch of Jeff Foxworthy tapes and listened to them. Also--there are a few Weird Al songs that hit the spot. My son was in middle school and listened to weird Al--one is called "Since you've been gone." I'll have to look up the other one. I also had my niece living with me--and she has a really dry sense of humor. We laughed A LOT--and we laughed at him. He didn't like it--but it is what it is. It saved us all.

I was fixing my lunch after I posted this and something I remembered--my ex left me for another man and this guy was an absolute jerk. My ex and he treated all of us very poorly--including his own kids. When I'd be a few months behind on the mortgage, he'd be in Cancun--and come home and tell his kids about his fun times. I just couldn't figure out why being a good person meant I had to suffer and he was being "blessed." Karma can be a bitch--as now he is alone and I have the guy I always wanted to marry and have been for 7-1/2 years. He has changed big time, though.

BUT what are the chances of this relationship of her's working out? Considering her history. It might all look peachy for her right now, but karma really can be a bitch. Actually, when I gave up on my ex and his abusive boyfriend ever breaking up--they broke up. By then I really didn't care.

I've found that being alone is better than being with someone who doesn't treat me with dignity and respect.

The other weird Al song is "One more minute"



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/02/2012 01:22PM by cl2.

Your pain comes across very obviously, and I'm very sorry that you have to experience it.

Whatever you do or don't do, make sure you keep moving. Above all else, move. Walk, jog, run, go to the gym, anything, just keep moving, keep your blood flowing and your lungs strong.

All the best to you,

Human

I want to write more to express my appreciation, but let thanks do do rill I get I'm front of a computer. Right now I am at the point where I know I am better off and to hell with the nut job!

Dude - I've been where you are and it s**ks. All I can say is just get yourself through 1 day at a time, and give yourself the grace to have bad days.

Try enduring years of repeated soviet communist infiltration on top of never having a real relationship of any normally accepted form.

And now the messages grow even stronger to the point that I live where I live and work where I work not on my own recognizance but at the whims of whoever is send mind control signals to me.

whoever is sending the signals wants me to believe that it is a deadly communist/nazi/totalitarian force that doesn't expect me to refuse their offer.

Just saying, it can always be worse.