Well, here I am at 22, almost 23, and I have nothing to show for it. In the past year I quit my last soul crushing job that guaranteed I could make rent to live with my parents while I save some money. Im a fat man which doesnt help. I am in Utah, didnt get married right out of high school, resigned from the church, went to school for a field I dont even work in anymore. I literally am a failure and hate myself. So how should I quit life?

Please, please get some help if you are suicidal. There are so many hotlines you can call, 911 works too if you feel like you are an immediate threat to yourself. My email address comes up when you click on my username, I would be more than happy to talk this out with you until you are able to seek professional help...I promise you things will get better...please don't give up.

And you are absolutely not a failure. Life is hard. I don't know anyone who hasn't been through some pretty rough crap. Just because it's all piling up on you right now, it doesn't mean you are a failure. You are doing the best you can, and when things get too overwhelming, sometimes you just need a little help. There are so many resources available that can really change your life. You deserve to have an amazing, wonderful life- what makes you think that anyone else is entitled to that more than you? Please hang in there. You are different from any other person in the world- that in itself is a gift. You have things to offer that no one else does, even if you don't see it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/01/2012 04:18AM by ajhart.

Don't quit life, start over. You've done many things that show that you are improving your life. Not getting married right out of high school is VERY SMART.......teen marriages are not successful usually. You did the MOST IMPORTANT one, resigned from the church so you know that you can think for yourself. BRAVO for that........many people as you know don't ever get it.
You are 22 years old.........you have time to have the time of your life! Just because you don't do what you trained to do in school doesn't mean anything. Many people don't work in the field they had in school. I had a degree in accounting and hated every second of it. I went back to school at age 29 and majored in music and YES I am working in music now and loving it.
Just because people think you should do things on their schedule, (meaning when they think you should do those things) doesn't mean anything. It is your life. Go atyour pace and learn as you go.
Not everyone in the world is supposed to look like they are starving all of the time. Once you begin being proud of all the good things about you, you will feel better and your love for you will cause you to want to eat things that are good for you. Besides, real skinny guys are sort of scrawny. Lot of girls don't like scrawny.
Look in the mirror and say something good about what you see - do you have neat hair? nice eyes? great smile? nice skin? You will find lots of things you like by practicing this.
You have been practicing listing the bad stuff. Now list the good stuff and mean it.
Everything doesn't have to be perfect on this journey and it won't be. Try to enjoy it as you go. Remember that life is what happens while your are making other plans.
Whatever you do, don't end your life. Spend a few weeks thinking about the things about youfself that you and others like and then focus on those. You are a much nicer man than you think you are. I am going to be watching for you on this board to see how you are. Good Luck

Listen to enoughenoch!!! Excellent reply.

And I definitely agree with the skinny guys comment...I am a young lady who happens to prefer guys with some meat on their bones!

I was a late bloomer as well. I graduated from college with a degree in fine arts and couldn't get a job in my field. So I took odd jobs for a few years. My self-esteem took a blow as well. I moved to a big city, was employed in a related field for a number of years, and then changed direction and went back to school. That entailed moving back in with family members.

Life is going to have some rough spots. It will have times when you feel inadequate or behind the curve. That happens to all of us. As a psychologist friend of mine once said, "everyone has holes in his socks."

If you are feeling depressed, seek help. Call a suicide hotline or ask your local government mental health agency for a referral. They can guide you to a counseling service that will charge on a sliding scale.

I want you to hang in there. It will get better. Also know that weight tends to go up, down, up, and down again during the course of your life. One of my favorite guys in college was overweight. None of the girls cared -- he was very well liked and got dates on a regular basis. Don't feel like that issue is a deal breaker because it's not.

If the Mormon atmosphere in Utah is getting you down, you might want to look into moving some time in the future. Colorado, for instance, is a very pleasant, non-Mo place to live.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/01/2012 06:58AM by summer.

dear anonforthis,
You are not alone.
Many, many folks on this board know your pain.
Take comfort that you are among friends.
We've got your back, baby :)

Edit to add: I think good sized dudes are hot. Mr.ambivalentmo has some meat on him. Wouldn't have married him otherwise. Gotta let your flag fly, baby, fly :}



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/01/2012 08:23AM by ambivalent exmo.

I agree, when I felt like this at your age, DOGS were the best thing to snap me out of it. Things will get better with age, including you.
P.S., a lot of my friends at your age secretly preferred men who were not thin.

Remember that you have a lot of people on this Board who care about you.

23 is really young to get married and to expect to have chosen a life-long career - cut yourself some slack. Nobody's life is perfect - although if you believe FaceBook you'll think all your mormon associates are having a wonderful and worthy time.

Strive for progress rather than perfection. Watch a show that makes you laugh, and get some sunshine.

Walking and gardening cheer me up, and especially walking dogs. Dogs just accept you for who you are (nice ones do anyway!), and you can have a laugh with them.

I'd put on some excess weight so I joined WeightWatchers. My class is just good fun. Some men attend and no one really seems to bother what everyone else weighs. We just have a nice chat. It works though because I've lost two stones so far.

Think about what really interests you - music, drawing, Star Wars! whatever - make sure you are doing some fun things in your life and some things that help other people or animals. When you help others you help yourself because you have new experiences and learn new things and get a different perspective.

Please, please don't give up. I'm not saying I understand... But, you are only 22- you could still do anything you want with your life. You have LOTS of time for things to be entirely different, if you want them to be.

I found this number online:
1-800-273-TALK

Please allow someone to help you! Life really can be great, even if you can't see how right now! I wish you the best.

I don't know if this helps, but I'll say it...

I'd trade places with you in a nano-second. You are 22 YEARS OLD! Whatever disappointments you've had, whatever obstacles you have, you have the "leverage of time" to fix them! You're not 51 years old and trapped in so many ways!

You can do it. I know it seems tough now, sometimes you just have to force yourself to get up in the morning and have ONE goal for that day. ONE thing you need to do. Do this everyday and pretty soon it will be a little better.

God bless you, or Zeus bless you, or may your spirit guide bless you. Whatever.

It does get better, even if it takes a while. Everyone here has great advice.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/01/2012 12:21PM by WinksWinks.

Just hope this isn't one of those baited "See, leaving the cult does ruin your life!" threads. School still has a week or two to go, right?

Talk to a recruiter. The pay ain't great, but you do get free room and board and as much edumacation as you want. The down-side isn't very attractive but in your case it would be an improvement.

At age 22, you consider yourself a failure? Trust me. You've got plenty of time to turn that around!

This is the Gospel according to Timothy ... Youth is wasted on the wrong people.

Timothy

Good point.

Maybe this won't help, but bear with me please. I've been where you are. When I was 25, I felt like a failure because despite having earned a college degree and served in the Peace Corps, I couldn't find the job I thought I deserved. I was stuck living with my parents, dealing with my alcoholic father. They made me feel like poo for living with them. I had some health issues that lingered from my time in the Peace Corps and, at least at first, I had no health insurance, so the little bit of money I had saved to move out of my parents' house was used on a trip to the emergency room. I had no love life and, in fact, didn't have sex for the first time until I was 30.

But things did turn around for me. I got a job waiting tables. I hated the job with a passion, but ended up making new friends and learning new things. I started attending an Adult Children of Alcoholics group, which gave me some support and got me out of the house. I got health insurance, which led to my being able to recover from my Peace Corps related health problems and allowed me to get help for my depression. An ACOA member pointed me toward a great therapist who helped me overcome my anxiety and depression. I got on antidepressants and started saving money. Waiting tables helped me lose a lot of weight and I became more attractive and confident. I applied to grad school and took voice lessons, just because I like to sing and needed a creative outlet.

I know things might seem overwhelming right now, but you can overcome this. Start with baby steps. I think the first thing you should do is seek support. Pick one of your problems and start working on it. You say you're overweight. Can you find a local support group for your weight problem? Is there something fun you enjoy doing that you could re-engage in?

You're still very young and you should be glad you're not married! I would advise you to straighten things out before you get involved with anyone. You seem to be in a vulnerable state and that makes you ripe for abusers. Please work on your self-esteem before you get into a romantic relationship; it will probably save you a lot of heartache down the road.

Hang in there. I know it sounds really trite, but things will get better. Don't make any big decisions right now... work on your problems... take small steps. You CAN do it!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/01/2012 11:10AM by knotheadusc.

May be mormon programming. I don't know. I felt like a failure at age 23 because I wasn't married yet. I certainly didn't have a degree or a college education. I had a good job and a lot of people were telling me "it wasn't good enough" or "haven't your found you a man yet?" I'm going to be 55. My marriage ended when I was about 38 and I had 2 kids to raise. I've been through bankruptcy--the list goes on and on.

My boyfriend--his wife left him 8 years ago. She cleaned him out financially. He just got laid off for the 3rd time in the 7 years we've been together. He has a degree. He is 59.

You have so much life ahead of you. And my boyfriend and I are both overweight, too.

... you are resilient!

Or is that remarkable?

Hokay, let's just go with both!

Timothy

You are one of my favorite posters--you remind me of my dad actually--kind of the attitude of "take no prisoners" and "what you see is what you get."

I should post the good things that have happened in my life. I'm thrilled that my ex and I are good friends and made peace. AND even if my kids cause a lot of stress, having twins was one of the best surprises of my life. Dogs--what can I say. The real loves of my life (I lost my first one to an accident just after my husband left--nearly killed me). I fell in love at age 20 with a nonmormon and I always said that I would never date again unless he became available again. He did--7+ years ago. I NEVER thought I'd have a second chance at love. I feel I've had 2 great loves in my life--him and my ex.

And somehow I dug myself out of a financial mess that was astronomical and I'm sitting here in the home we bought when our kids are 10 months old--they are 26. I hung onto it. I also lucked out in getting a job doing medical transcription when my kids were also 10 months old--and it has allowed me to stay at home with them while raisng them alone--working 2 jobs.

So--I count myself lucky in so many ways. I count myself lucky that I'm out of mormonism--and that my parents LISTENED. I've said, they were far from perfect, but they knew how devoted I was and saw what happened to my life. AND if it hadn't been something as big as gay--I'd never have left the lds church. I just wanted a guarantee my family would be okay.

So--for the poster--no matter how dark it looks sometimes, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

And, again, thanks, Timothy.

Dear anon 4 this,

At age 22 I was married, in the career of my choice and an active member of the LDS church.

Now I'm 40. I married the wrong person, chose the wrong career, and wasted years in the church. I also went through a period after getting married of being quite overweight.

Sounds like you are 20 years ahead of me.

I've definitely had some times of feeling down and even contemplating suicide.

For me the biggest huge thing has been picking up cycling - mountain biking and road biking in the last few years. When everything else has been awful I have always had this thing I enjoy immensely to hold onto. In addition it is a positive thing that has helped me get in decent physical shape and learn skills. Finding a positive, engaging, physical activity has made all the difference to me - as opposed to what I have often done of vegging in front of a TV and/or computer games which just make me feel worse. Being outdoors in the beautiful state of Utah has been awesome. Cycling may not be the thing for you, but something positive, physicallt active, and enjoyable may give you something to hold onto as it has me.

You have a lot of great things and relationships ahead of you in life and it WILL get better.

But hey, I'm having a good time, mostly. Don't live your life trying to live up to other people's expectations.

I am a woman who is fat, but I don't let it define me. My mother made me think that I had to look good to be accepted, I used to think I would not be hired because I was fat. But I have been offered job because they look at my abilities. Look around, there are plenty of fat people in relationships, the only person holding you back is yourself. You are not a fat man, you are a man who happens to be fat.

Your list of whats wrong, is really a pretty good list of things you can change. Make a plan of how to change everything on your list. You've already got a good start.

You left a job and a religion that weren't working for you.
You're smart enough to get through school.
your not burdened with a wife and kids and a mortgage.
People change their weight all the time.
There are a lot of places to live outside of Utah.

Keep us posted. Look at this as a self esteem building project. You will feel so good about yourself as you work out the changes you make. Start with baby steps. Do some research. Take some action. Don't hang around anyone who doesn't support your good changes.

lets go fishing. Going outdoors is where
I find sanity.I'm a good listener..what can it hurt?

Except, he wasn't raised Mormon. It is so painful for us to watch him loath himself and slash his wrists. I am not going to complain about how much time this is consuming but at this point I have told my disabled stay at home husband to spend as much time as possible with his nephew. I don't know how some proportion end up with better survival attitudes than others. And it seems his issues are all based in a skewed perspective. There seems no amount of convincing him that life sucks for everyone he is not the only victim of the world. Living and hoping for the bright spots is worthy. Maybe its because there was too much excess in the 90s? Life goes in cycles and it just takes time to realize this too shall pass. He is so egocentrically focused that he doesn't see that as he diminishes himself he hurts all of us. He has an open gash in his arm self inflicted last week into themuscle tissue and his mom is begging us not to report it since almost daily he is calling for us to come rescue him from hurting himself again. I think part of his problem is related to being a latch key kid and failure to develop an identity and personal resourcefulness. I know being a singl e parent is a big job but in hind sight it might have been better if my sister in law had exploited family support a littleore so he would not have so much alone time building mental pathways of loneliness. We can only move forward

Volunteer, lose weight (Slimfast did it for me) and lighten up on yourself.

You have plenty of time to get your poop in a group.

All the time in the world. Take a first step.

Hello: Please read the excellent advice given here. You have no idea what suicide does to families. My niece committed suicide in 2010. She was 27 and I guess felt very similar to your post. However, in 2 years, her family has disintegrated. Her mother (my sister) had a complete psychotic breakdown and stroke. Her father crashed his car and is in a nursing home. Her brother just got out of jail. I am dragging my remaining two nieces to family therapy. They basically have PTSD. My niece was loved by us all but she thought her life was worthless. Instead, the opposite was true. She was a valuable daughter and niece. We miss her so much.

I know you think your life is going no where but honestly don't end it all. It is a terrible burden to those who love you. Dig down deep and hang on and make those changes you need in your life. We all reach a point of despair but giving up is not the way, my friend. Ain't no way but up!

I've been there and it's not worth the trauma to yourself (if you survive, which many people do, a suicide attempt) or your friends and family.

It does get better eventually. Things that look so bleak right now may not in a week, a month, a year....The first step is admitting you can't handle it alone anymore.

I've been where you are. Please get help. I didn't succeed with my attempt to end my life, but I was lucky. If you are making plans, go to the ER or call a friend or family member. This world would be a lesser place without you.

anon, hopefully my story help you.

A few years ago, I felt like a complete failure and contemplated suicide on a daily basis. I was unemployed, aimless and obese. I finally decided to go back to school and lose weight. I am now 1 year away from getting my masters degree, have lost over 50 pounds and even ran a half-marathon last month (I NEVER thought I could even run a 5K). I am still a serious work in progress, but I am much happier now.

The difference with my story and yours is that I was in my late 30's when I decided to make a change. You are SO young and have so much time to improve your life. You are NOT a failure! Pick yourself up and move forward with something you are interested in. If it takes you 15 years to get where you are going, you are still ahead of where I was.

Please don't be discouraged. You deserve better.

S

And if I can do it, ANYONE can do it. I struggle with serious depression and just getting out of bed is hard to do. Working towards some goals, no matter how small, make a big difference! When I started running, I could not run more than 1/2 mile. Over a few years I have worked up to half-marathon distances. It is important to find a physical activity that you enjoy.

But even if you change nothing, you are still of worth!

Failure? Ha!

You gave the finger to a soul destroying job.
You gave the finger to a cult.
You gave the finger to the social pressure to get married young and start a family.

From my perspective, you sound like a young man who does not take any crap. A non-conformist, if you will. I adore this quality in people; it's a great quality to have and you have it in spades.

Failure? No way!

Most of us at one time or another make the mistake of thinking that if we fail at some things, we ARE failures. The fact is that you have succeeded at some things, which you are no doubt minimizing right now. All of our pasts are a mixed bag and we really do tend to learn more from our failures than any of our successes. So, you've been through a learning period! Yeah, I hate them too.

Here's a book you might want to check out: It's an oldie, but universal goodie, described as the best self-help book ever written. The author died at an old age a few years ago, but he founded Cognitive Therapy before he went so you may benefit from it:

A New Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis

You are too young to get married anyway. Enjoy your freedom before you start a family and get married!

Ahem... My fiance is 240lbs... and I LOVE IT. I dont like dating skinny guys... it feels like cuddling a 2 x 4. You can never change your bone structure, but you can change your BMI. Be the best that you can be with what you have!

I agree with everyone here... You are only 22. Now that doesnt mean lay around for the next couple years because your young, but it means you still have soooo much time to work on yourself.

Dont worry about the marriage thing. Good things come to those who wait. You need to work on yourself. You cannot be half a person and expect a relationship with another person to work out-I had to learn that the hard way.

I dont know if this works for you, but it works for me; TOUGH LOVE. I have to tell myself to quit complaining about the things I havent done because now I am missing out on the things I COULD be doing. This is something I have to constantly tell myself. I have actually done a lot for being 22, but I never seem to recognize it. I have to be told to quit feeling sorry for myself and get off my @$$ if there is more I want for my life. If this is feeling sorry for yourself; STOP. Your future is a clean canvas for you to paint your life on. Dont be upset about the messy brush strokes you created in the past; paint over it and make something beautiful.

If you are considering hurting yourself, Go tell someone you can trust who is not going to be scared of what your feeling, but who is willing to lend you a hand. We are here to help you too. You need to see a professional if you are honestly feeling this way. Dont be quiet about this. Tell someone and get PROFESSIONAL HELP.

As other's have said. You are only 22, it's not too late to change your life. I'm ten years older than you and have moved home to my tbm parents. (Don't know how it's in the US but here in sweden you have to wait many, many years to get your own apartment unless your'e prepared to pay huge amounts of money or move out into the middle of nowhere. I was blissfully ignorant of this until I finished school). I've got a long list of psychological disorders but I take my medications, do my work and struggle to make friends, learn things and improve my life. Life isn't easy, it can be really, really rough. But it has improved alot since when I started to seek help. I was very, very depressed but I'm doing much better now.

We in the developed world live in very enlightened and tolerant societies (compared to the rest of the world and world history). Reach out your hand, seek the help you need and deserve. It takes time to find what works and what doesn't, but don't give up. There is help out there for you. There is support, and there are lot's of other people who are struggling or have struggled with the same issues as you are struggling with.

Meet more people and learn that the happy relatively wealthy middle class suburbian american dream is just that: a dream. Real people often simply aren't the superskinny, good-looking and wealthy people you see on TV. But they can have pretty fulfilling lives anyway. Forget the mormon demand of perfection it's just an image. Don't get too caught up in that you should have a high salary job, a good marrige e.t.c. to be a success. It's a bunch of nonsense. You only need enough to get around and then you pursue what interests you, you work on becoming a better person and living an authentic life. That's success right there.

Friend of mine felt just like you --even to the point of resigning from the Church --Took a weekend away and mapped out her life with all the things she would do if she got a load of money .

So she worked out how she could accomplish most of her dreams by her getting another dead end job and squirrelling away as much money as she could -- In less than 2 years - this is what ended up happenning

Went to Paris and Europe for a 10 day package tour

Volunteered to work in Africa for 6 months

Help other people in her field, by looking to her friends for opennings

Try some totally new and different career.

Re-evaluate what you would do if there were no constraints of time and money

Remember **Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all**. Helen Keller

JB