Gadianton Robbers: “In the Book of Mormon, a band of robbers founded by a wicked Nephite named Gadianton. Their organization was based on secrecy and satanic oaths.” (Note: Secrecy and oaths are good things if they’re not satanic.)

Garden of Eden: The dwelling place of our first parents, Adam and Eve, before the Fall. Located near Adam-ondi-Ahman and the plains of Olaha Shinehah, which, as everyone knows, are in Missouri.

Garden of Gethsemane: The location where Jesus suffered for our sins. However, we don’t wear a garden around our necks to honor the atonement because it would be too heavy.

Garment of the Holy Priesthood: Also known as "garments" or "g's." As part of the temple endowment, which is completely unrelated to Freemasonry, Mormons are given the garment (actually two-piece underwear sets: t-shirt and shorts) to wear at all times. The garment has stitched into it certain marks that are in no way related to the Masonic symbols of the compass and square. The garment is said to be "a shield and a protection" to the wearer, though, contrary to belief, most Mormons do not believe the garment has magical powers, although J. Willard Marriott would disagree. The garment is also available in a one-piece version, but most people don't wear it because it frequently causes a "celestial wedgie."

Gathering of Israel: The gathering of Jews and Mormons to the various locations around the world where they live.

Gay: An adjective meaning “happy.” Maybe be used with “so-called” to refer to those who choose to be homosexuals.

General Authorities: A group of men who are called to serve the church around the world full-time. As explained by general authority J. Golden Kimball, callings are extended by “inspiration, revelation, and relation.” Often such leaders are called because they have proven their spiritual excellence by their success in business or law.

Gentiles: Non-Mormons, except Jews.

Gift of the Holy Ghost: The right of all church members to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost, which is conferred by the laying on of hands. Rarely exercised.

Gifts of the Spirit: “Special spiritual blessings given by the Lord to worthy individuals for their own benefit and for them to use in blessing others.” Examples include prophesy, speaking in tongues, using a divining rod, and finding buried treasure by looking at a stone in a hat.

God, Godhead: 1) In 1835, consists of two members: God the Father, a “personage of spirit”; and Jesus Christ, a “a personage of tabernacle” (Doctrine and Covenants 1835, p. 53). 2) By 1843, consists of three members: God the Father and Jesus, both having bodies of “flesh and bones as tangible as man’s,” but the Holy Ghost is “a personage of Spirit” (D&C 130:22).

Godhood: The ultimate goal and destiny of all humans. God is exalted man and woman sealed together for eternity; there is complete equality in this relationship, no matter how many wives the exalted man may have. (Note: not to be discussed among non-Mormons, particularly in television interviews.)

Gold Plates: An record chronicling approximately 1,000 years of ancient Americans, their prophesies, and the visit of Jesus to them. The plates were so important that they were preserved for 1,400 years so that Joseph Smith could not use them in translating the Book of Mormon.

Google: A source of vile falsehoods about the LDS church. Avoid at all costs.

Gospel: “Good news.” This is the plan of salvation, wherein Jesus suffered and died for our sins so that we could be saved by obeying commandments and ordinances and anything else that is required of us.

Grace: An enabling power from God that is available to humans only “after they have expended their own best efforts” and “cannot suffice without total effort on the part of the recipient.” See also “Good News”

Guilt: Godly sorrow for sins and misdeeds. An excellent motivator, guilt has blessed the lives of millions of Latter-day Saints throughout the world.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/20/2012 04:28PM by runtu.

This is Best Seller stuff!!

I don't care if I'm later rejected by runtu. I will never deny how funny this shit is.

Since when are Jews NOT gentiles? I've been told I am one.

It's a gray area. I grew up in a Jewish neighborhood, and they were "Gentiles" in the sense of not being Mormons, but they weren't real Gentiles.

Clear enough? ;-)

runtu Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> It's a gray area. I grew up in a Jewish neighborhood, and they were "Gentiles" in the sense of not being Mormons, but they weren't real Gentiles.
>
> Clear enough? ;-)

Actually, not really. I've had Mormons tell me I'm a real gentile, that's why I asked. I told then the source of the word, and they still called me a gentile.

Principles & Ordinances of the Gospel:

? Principles ? We Don't Need no stiking PRINCIPLES....

Oh, crap, forgot that.

QUICK!!!!

That's why God created the edit button.

Runtu, Forgetting garments is a sign that you have made excellent progress since I first saw you on this board. <hugs>

You're right. That is a good sign. If my wife didn't wear them, I wouldn't have thought about them at all for years.

would it be presumptious for us to make suggestions (other / additional to 'garments')

H: Heaven: A place Mos don't know exists; other Christians are 'pretty sure' about it, but don't wanna be pinned down...

Do you have anagrammy's list of Mormon cosmology? My last post on this may have been before you were here, but I dunno, you could have been a lurker.

This is just fabulous. It is screamingly funny. It reminds me of those flip calendars where there is a cartoon or comic on each page. These sell like crazy at Christmas.

Ana

ps. one suggestion - use "this is rare" because that's what Turbo Tax and helpdesks always say. :) love your work.

ps. ps. Your wife still wears garments? Well, that answers one of my burning post-Runtu's-book questions. My sympathies. Although I have to say, coca cola and coffee taste better to me than anyone because of the past deprivation....so maybe there are some hidden benefits.

Coffee is proof that Mormonism isn't true. No loving God would create something that good and then tell us we can't have it.

Hilarious stuff, runtu. The best.

With your indulgence, I'll throw another log on the fire:

Gazelam: Joseph Smith's rapper name, which he used while freestyling the first edition of the Doctrine & Covenants in 1835. Backing vocals were provided by Smith's fellow OGs (Original Gods-in-embryo) Olihah (Oliver Cowdery), Pelagoram (Sidney Rigdon), and Mehemson (Martin Harris). Many of their revelations were later remixed by Apostle B.H. "Beeyatch" Roberts.