Posted by:
runtu
(
)
Date: April 17, 2012 12:05AM
Cain: The first murderer, and progenitor of a race of those cursed with black skin and prohibited from holding the priesthood (see Canaanites). Also known as Master Mahan. A modern apostle described meeting Cain as follows: “He walked along beside me for about two miles. His head was about even with my shoulders as I sat in my saddle. He wore no clothing, but was covered with hair. His skin was very dark.” This account was confirmed by prophet Spencer W. Kimball in his book The Miracle of Forgiveness, which gave rise to speculation that Cain is Bigfoot.
Calling: Any formal assignment from a church leader. Considered to be inspired of God, whether or not you were the first choice or the bishop actually gave it more of a moment’s thought. May often be used as a means of keeping people at their meetings: for example, a less-active member might be asked to hand out programs or ring the bell between meetings. This is effective only if the less-active member is afraid to say no.
Calling and Election Made Sure: To have one’s exaltation in the highest kingdom of heaven sealed irrevocably, meaning that you now have a green light to commit any sin you wish, and it’s covered; you’re still going to the celestial kingdom. Generally, to have one’s CAEMS, one must be invited to a special temple ordinance referred to as the second anointing or second endowment. These ordinances used to be fairly commonplace, but in recent times they have been reserved only for multibillionaires, select General Authorities, and a software developer from Cedar City whose hobby is Book of Abraham apologetics.
Calvary: The place where Jesus was crucified. Erroneously believed by other Christians to be where Jesus took upon Himself the sins of the world, whereas it was just the encore after the main even in the Garden of Gethsemane.
Canaanite: Person of African descent cursed with dark skin (see Moses 7:8). Not to be confused with the alleged dwellers of the land of Canaan.
Carnal: Usually refers to sexual intercourse, but when Melissa Lott Willes affirmed that she had “carnal relations” with Joseph Smith, she meant in the sense of “chaste and platonic friendship.”
Carthage Jail: The place where Joseph Smith willingly gave his life after he ran out of bullets and the Masonic Distress sign failed.
Celestial Kingdom: The highest level of heaven where the righteous dwell on “a globe a globe like a sea of glass and fire” (D&C 130:7) in the presence of God. Only heterosexual couples married in LDS temples will be admitted; since 1978, it is open to black people, and they don’t even have to be servants.
Celibacy: An abominable practice of apostate Christianity, almost as evil as masturbation.
Chaldea: The land south and east of Babylon. Also named by Abraham centuries before it existed.
Chariot: A wheel-less platform or litter bearing the king and miniature ceremonial animals. Not an anachronism in the Book of Mormon.
Charity: The pure love of Christ, the highest form of love possible. Needless to say, homosexuals cannot feel this kind of love.
Chastity: Abstinence from sexual activities before marriage and complete sexual fidelity in marriage. (Note: Does not apply if your name is Joseph Smith.)
Child of God: The enlightened teaching that humans are descendants of God who, if they don’t have faith and obey, will be sent to a lower kingdom forever.
Choice: A pernicious euphemism for abortion.
Chosen: The humbling notion that you have been saved and selected to be born Caucasian, Mormon, and American.
Christ: The only person who ever lived who was better than Joseph Smith.
Christians: Worldly apostates who have corrupted the word of God (usually prefaced with “so-called”). When in public, Mormons use this word to show that they are just like every other church.
Church: The formal organization of believers directed by the priesthood by revelation from God, as well as the religious subsidiary of a multinational corporation.
Church of Christ: The formal name of the LDS church given by revelation in 1830.
Church of God: The formal name of the LDS church in the early 1830s.
Church of the Latter Day Saints: The formal name of the LDS church given by revelation in 1834.
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: The formal name of the LDS church given by revelation in 1838. Apparently, God finally found a name He liked.
Church, Signs of the True: Sound and unchangeable doctrine, such as the eternal truth that there are two–I mean, three members of the Godhead. Continuing revelation, especially when it is needed to contradict an earlier revelation. Moral absolutes, unless God gives you “special revelation” (hat tip to Nancy Rigdon). The same organization as the primitive church, which Jesus organized as “a corporation sole … under and pursuant to Section 18-7-5 R.S.U. 1933.”
Circumcision: The ritual removal of the male foreskin as a sign of the Abrahamic Covenant. Supplanted in the modern church by the wearing of white shirts and ties, cap sleeves, and CTR rings.
Clothing: Obsession with one’s clothing is derided in the New Testament and Book of Mormon and is emphasized in the modern church.
College: A place where cherished beliefs and traditions are ridiculed by the learned.
Combinations: Shadowy organizations bound together by secret oaths and handshakes; completely unrelated to temple worship.
Commandments: All policies and procedures of the LDS church, including those items given”not by commandment or constraint, but by revelation and the word of wisdom,” except those involving eating mostly grains and vegetables and limiting consumption of meat.
Common Consent: The privilege of raising your hand to sustain the leadership of the church. Such consent is completely voluntary, though any vote in the negative may result in a visit with church security and/or a disciplinary council.
Confession: Admitting to God that you have sinned, a necessary step for repentance and forgiveness. In more serious cases, this involves talking to your bishop, and he’s going to want to hear all the details.
Confirmation: The reception of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands after one is baptized. Just remember that one lustful thought can drive the Holy Ghost away forever.
Conscience: The Light of Christ, which is given to all humans to help them discern right from wrong. The greatest test of this life is to conquer the conscience and submit to complete obedience to whatever God asks through His prophets, especially if you’re a teenaged girl in a locked office with Joseph Smith.
Consecration: Willingness to give all that you have for the building up of the kingdom of God. In earlier days, this meant renouncing private property and holding all things in common, but this sounded too much like communism, so the church adopted laissez-faire capitalism as its standard.
Constitution: A divinely inspired document given to humans to usher in the last dispensation. The Constitution is to be held in strict reverence, except for the embarrassing parts about slavery and so forth.
Contention: Any unhappy, unholy, or non-faith-promoting thoughts, which are of the devil. Such thoughts may include doubt, reason, and conscience.
Conversion: What happens when someone joins the LDS church, whether they know it or not.
Coriantumr: The sole survivor of the Jaredites, a people of whom there is no trace. He lived long enough to warn the Nephites, another people of whom there is no trace.
Corn: A major crop of the Americas that was unknown to the Nephites and Jaredites.
Council in Heaven: The time in the premortal life when God presented His plan of happiness to His children, which was that we would be sent to earth to see if we would follow God’s commandments, but only after we were made to forget everything we knew about God and His commandments. This plan sounded great to Jesus, who volunteered to be our Savior, and two-thirds of the hosts of heaven. The other third figured it was a losing proposition and went with Satan’s plan, which involved coercion and force, two elements that are completely absent in the modern church.
Council of the Twelve: A group of high-level bureaucrats who hold meetings dressed in Masonic robes weekly and travel the world as “special witnesses of Jesus Christ” (disclaimer: this does not imply any witness, special or otherwise, and cannot be construed as a binding legal statement). Twice a year they gather in Salt Lake City and give talks about little factories and exploding printing presses. Above all else, they must not be criticized, even if the criticism is true. According to an insider, they are not “dodos.”
Counsel: See Commandments.
Courage: The strength to follow instructions without question.
Cowdery, Oliver: Acted as scribe when Joseph Smith didn’t use the plates to translate the Book of Mormon. Told the absolute truth when he said that an angel showed him the plates, but lied viciously when he said Joseph Smith had an affair with Fanny Alger. Accused by Joseph Smith of counterfeiting, theft, and associating “with a gang of counterfeiters, thieves, liars, and blacklegs of the deepest dye, to deceive, cheat, and defraud the saints out of their property,” Oliver is revered as a faithful witness to the restoration of the gospel.
Creation: The process by which Jesus formed and organized the earth and the universe, assisted by Adam. Modern apologists declare with boldness that prophets, seers, and revelators have been consistently wrong about the processes and timeline of the creation.
Cross: A morbid reminder of Jesus’ death that no true Christian should be associated with.
Crucifixion: The anticlimactic end of the Atonement of Christ.
Cumorah: 1) The hill where the Book of Mormon plates were buried in upstate New York. 2) The hill where the Book of Mormon plates were buried in Central America.
CTR Ring: Until one wears garments, this is the outward reminder of one’s covenants with God. Available in many styles and precious metals at your local Deseret Book.
Cumom: See Curelom.
Curelom: See Cumom.
Curse: Dark skin.