Posted by:
runtu
(
)
Date: April 16, 2012 03:00PM
I thought maybe I'd help the outside press get a better understanding of Mormonism by defining common terms. I'm starting with the letter A:
Aaronic Priesthood: The power and authority for young boys to pass out bread and water, collect money for the church, and sit together telling fart jokes in sacrament meeting.
Abinadi: Stock martyr character in the Book of Mormon who was burned at the stake. For some reason, this name has not caught on among Mormons.
Abominable Church: See Church of the Devil. Any organization that fights against the true church, specifically the Catholic Church, the Democratic Party, and Oprah's Book Club.
Abraham: Ancient prophet who made great covenants with God and would have killed his son if an angel hadn't made a timely intervention. Revealed such mysteries of God as the origin of black people, advanced astronomy, and how to turn Egyptian hieroglyphs into Kolob and enish-go-on-doshling.
Accountability, Age of: The age (8) at which a child is now ready to make informed decisions and promises about how they will live their lives.
Adam: First man on earth and star of the endowment ceremony. Also the God of this world, the Father of Jehovah, and the only God with which we have anything to do.
Adam-Ondi-Ahman: Empty field in Missouri where Adam will return to bless his children.
Adultery: Having sexual relations with someone who is not your wife. (Note: does not apply if your name is Joseph Smith.)
Agency: Freedom to choose good or evil, such as wearing sleeveless dresses or having two earrings in one ear.
Alcohol: A pernicious substance invented to enslave humanity and which God prohibits. (Note: does not apply if your name is Joseph Smith.)
Alma the Younger: Book of Mormon knockoff of Paul, only more successful.
Alms: Money given to the LDS church to care for the poor. Should not be confused with volunteering at homeless shelters or giving food or money to beggars.
Amen: A word expressing gratitude that the talk is over.
Ammon: Nephite who ministered to the Lamanites, which was a disarming experience.
Angels: Messengers from God. Can be distinguished from demons by asking them to shake hands or tell you who won the 1943 World Series.
Antichrist: Anyone who opposes Christ or passes a healthcare bill including an individual mandate.
Apostasy: When other churches change their beliefs or practices. See Continuing Revelation for the Lord's pattern of change.
Apostate: A knowledgeable church member who does not keep his or her views a secret.
Apostle: In ancient times, a witness of Christ; in modern times, a bureaucrat who dissembles in BBC interviews.
Ark: The sailing vessel Noah built to preserve all animals from the Great Flood; according to apologists, this is not to be taken literally.
Armageddon: The final battle when the faithful will battle the forces of darkness arrayed against them: the United Nations, Planned Parenthood, and the Girl Scouts.
Articles of Faith: Thirteen points of LDS belief that are so important that all children must memorize them before age 12 and forget most of them by age 13. These also appear on missionary cards sold in the BYU Bookstore.
Ask, Asking: The act of praying for confirmation of what you already believe.
Atonement: Jesus' suffering for all sins, except for apostasy and any other sins that require the blood of the sinner to be shed. (Note: Jesus' suffering is not valid atonement until we have suffered excruciating and lasting pain; see also The Miracle of Forgiveness.)
Authority: Power given to young boys, missionaries, church leaders, and high-level bureaucrats to act in the name of God. Not available to women, non-Mormons, and apostates.