Wondering if any one can help explain this to me because I just don't understand his thinking. He doesn't believe the temple to be true and has left the church but he won't tell me what his name is. I've never demanded to know & I don't bother him about it, but he won't tell me or share it on the temple name posts on here.

Maybe he's embarrassed that he's forgotten it. ;-)

The conditioning runs very deep.

This is almost too difficult to admit. Many of you know I am at the tail end of an acrimonious divorce after nearly 20 years of marriage. Until this post...I NEVER thought about what HIS temple name is...ever! BTW, why do men need one? Who calls them from the grave and if you say Jesus or HF then, really, THEY don't know his given name...remember he supposedly choose his own parents who named him, right?

Sorry "NOTANYMORE," but you have given me a lot more to think about.

Regarding your husband. You can go about this several ways:
1) Forget it, it doesn't matter but dang are you curious!
2) Tell him you do not want to know, sometimes reverse psychology works and he'll tell you
3) Tell him you understand THAT he forgot (I like what "Spaghetti oh" said) in which case he may spill it to prove you wrong
4) Ask him if it seems fair since he is now a non-believer that he knows your name but you do not know his.

My real advice, if he's a good man, drop it. Good men are hard to find and as long as you know his real name and social security number...that's all you need (smile).

Just because he is your husband does not mean that he needs to tell you everything, nor does he need to explain his reasoning.

Perhaps you may consider that he just does not want to tell you and leave it at that. You know, respect the fact that he just does not want to tell you.

YOu obviously seem bothered by it or you would not be posting about it here. Perhaps a better question would be, why is it bothering you enough that you post here trying to figure out his motives?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/10/2012 08:35PM by MJ.

Because it seems irrational, MJ. He doesn't believe any more and he knows her name. It probably wouldn't bother her if she could make sense of why he's doing it. But it doesn't make sense he won't tell her. If he were to say "Honey, I know it isn't true but I'm just not comfortable telling you yet" maybe it would be easier to let it go. Here's another example. If a guy you were dating refused to tell you who you saw him eating lunch with, it would probably fall under the stuff you mentioned - he doesn't need to tell you everything, you need to respect that etc. But it would still bug you a little because you would wonder why he didn't want to share harmless info with you.

That being said, not anymore, MJ does have a point that you may just have to let it go and respect that he doesn't want to tell you. Even now, I get a little twinge when I show my kids my temple clothes or explain something from the endowment to them because as someone mentioned, the conditioning runs very deep. I agree with you that it doesn't make sense your husband won't tell you but you may just have to be patient with him because the brainwashing he went through isn't logical either. You are probably going to have to just let this one go and trust that some day he'll feel more comfortable telling you.

I hope you are not advising that a woman disrepects her husband's choices every time she thinks they are irrational. If you are I hope you feel the same way about husbands disrepecting their wive's choices. Gezzz., a marrage with that little respect would SUCK in my book.

What may seem irrational to you may make perfect sense to him.

There is a phrase I use when a man has constantly had his wife force her idea of what is rational or not on him: "Hen Pecked". I am really amazed at how many women think they can dictate what is best for their husband. (of course it goes both ways) I just do not see what the big problem is with respecting his private thoughts without labeling him are "irrational".

Sorry, CAgirl, HE has the right to make up his own mind as to what he considers rational or not.



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 04/10/2012 09:26PM by MJ.

I hope you're not suggesting that you are the arbiter of healthy marriage or priorities, because the OP can decide for herself if this is important or not.


I think if he knows her temple name it is fair for him to share his or at least say why he doesn't want to. Some folks really value being able to talk about *anything* with their partners, and that is fine.

Thre wife can decide what is important for HERSELF, not what is important for her husband.

While you seem to be suggesting that it is only the wife that has a say in this, I am saying the BOTH have a say, she can ask, and he has every right to refuse to answer. YOu seem to be forgetting that the are TWO people involved, not just the wife. The wife is NOT THE ONLY PERSON DECIDING WHAT IS IMPORTANT.

so excuuuuuusssssseeeee me for suggesting that the wife actually RESPECT her husband and his decisions on what to devulge about himself. heaven fucking forbid there be a thing called RESPECT in a marriage.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/11/2012 12:00AM by MJ.

I wondered whether i should at first. Even tho i didn't believe anymore, i HAD made a promise to not tell it. Shouldn't i keep my promise? It wasn't like i had important info i was keeping a secret so there was no 'whistle-blowing'.

It took me awhile before i realized that keeping that promise was as silly as not revealing a secret code name for a 'secret' club someone belonged to as a child.

ps. my dh can't tell me his because he has forgotten it. good thing he didn't tell me that while i was still tbm and 'counting' on him to get resurrected. Altho, i don't know how much i actually believed that he could prevent me from being ressurected.

in all honesty, i would be taken aback if my husband and I left and he knew my name but couldn't laugh at his with me.
Sure the conditioning runs deep but if its a lie its a lie...eventually you have to laugh at the stupidity of it all and if he never could I think I would always wonder if he secretly did give that voodoo merit...

Like his wedding vows? If you can dismiss what is done in the temple as a lie, why not your wedding vows? It is, as you say, a lie.

Perhaps your husband has the idea that not ever promis made in the temple should be disregarded because TSCC is a lie.

That is an interesting point, but a man should not cheat on his wife, because he loves and respects her, not because of some oath he swore to an imaginary being.

Gezzz. I was not thinking about cheating, I was talking about remaining man an wife and becoming someone he is shacking up with, or flat out disolving the marriage as if it never happened.

And a woman should RESPECT her husband's choices about what he wants to talk about, because she loves him. But I guess that does not go both ways.

Oh, yeah, and if a husband should only do what is right because he loves his wife, why bother with the marriage to begin with?



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 04/10/2012 10:10PM by MJ.

Why do you assume your boyfriend is cheating if he's having lunch with another guy? What if it's a work contact? What if he lost a bet and is just paying it off by buying an acquaintance lunch? The point is, you'd have a right to be curious even if he doesn't want to talk about it.

So she has a right to be curious about her husband's temple name and wonder why he doesn't share it. And he has an equal right to not share it if telling his temple name to others bothers him. However, he has no right to tell her how to feel about it. He can't tell her to turn of her feelings and/or curiosity any more than she can tell him to turn off his feelings of discomfort and just tell her his name. Maybe posting here IS her way of respecting his choices/not bothering him but also trying to make some sense of his choices without demanding an explanation from him.

CA girl Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Why do you assume your boyfriend is cheating if
> he's having lunch with another guy?

Where on earth did THAT come from? I NEVER assume my boyfriend is cheating EVER. My boyfriend is free to have luch whith whom ever he choses, male, female, gay or straight. If I saw him having luch with another man, I would assume he is having luch with someone he knows, that's it, nothing more. He is even free to travle with another guy without suspicition. I do this because I trust him.

I am deeply insulted that you would make such a bogus unsuported claim about me. Please take your made up bullshit and lies elsewhere.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/10/2012 11:01PM by MJ.

MJ Wrote, in part:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Like his wedding vows? If you can dismiss what is
> done in the temple as a lie, why not your wedding
> vows? It is, as you say, a lie.

*********************************************
Sure! After all, in a temple wedding you marry the church, NOT your spouse, so if you go X-Mo you DO break them so-called vows!! Or you can keep yer vows and keep on giving all your time, talents and blabla to the church...

Some small part of him may still be clinging to the church. Give him reassurance that he is a good man who a just God would not send to hell.

I get this. My husband just told me his this weekend, but even I wasn't sure I wanted to know it yet. I don't believe in the temple at all anymore, so I can't explain it, but it just kind of seemed off limits still, I guess. He was kind of shy about it, it was cute. Made me feel closer to him - not because we were sharing something sacred or any nonsense like that, but because it reassured me that he's with me on the nonbelief.

But it sounds like you are taking the right approach with not bugging him about it.

When you said, "because it reassured me that he's with me on the nonbelief."

I think that maybe why him not telling me is bothering me, it would be reassuring.

I would like it if he just told me on his own, not because I want to know and asked.

notanymore Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> When you said, "because it reassured me that he's
> with me on the nonbelief."
>
> I think that maybe why him not telling me is
> bothering me, it would be reassuring.

Something to think about, How reasuring do you think your husband would find this discussion? I sense there is something more than just passing curiosity. Maybe he senses there is more to the issue, can't figure out what it is and chooses to avoid the possibility of hitting an emotional land mine. That said, if I found out that my partner was raising questions like this behind my back, I would not be reasured.

>
> I would like it if he just told me on his own, not
> because I want to know and asked.

Do you mean you have NEVER ASKED HIM? If you never asked him, then he just may not feel it emportant enough to say. There is nothing I hate more than the "I'm not going to tell him something is going on with me, but even though he has no idea what is going on I want him to address it" game.

If there is something important about this, and it seems there is, and you are not sitting down with your husband and telling him that it is important, but just waiting for him to guess, then he is not the one being irrational.

If you need reasurance, TELL HIM THAT, not us. He may not have a clue that you need such reasurance.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/10/2012 10:09PM by MJ.

MJ- I told my DH that I was going to post this & I also asked him if that would be okay before I did it. He has also been reading all of the discussion. It has been helpful for both of us and we appreciate everyone's insight.

I think that you have misunderstood my original statement. This subject is not a big deal to us. There is nothing deeper to this. I was simply looking for some insight from others who have been there as to why he has a harder time talking about his temple name than I do.

In the past I asked him if he would ever want to tell me his name since we no longer believe. Since then we joke about it. I sometimes try to guess what it could be when the temple name thread comes up or if he wants to share it yet. But its not that big of a deal and there is no tension in our marriage over it.

you see, I have a hard time when you make a statement like: "I would like it if he just told me on his own, not because I want to know and asked."

You don't want to ask him his temple name but you will discuss posting the issue and blabing about it in the internet. Seriously, people are calling him irrational?

There is only one person that knows why he is not telling. You will NEVER GET A VALID ANSWER UNLESS HE TELLS YOU. Nothing said here by anyone other than your husband will say for sure why he is not saying anything. It is even likely that WE ARE ALL WRONG.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/10/2012 11:13PM by MJ.

I forgot mine years ago and could not tell you if you offered a billion dollars. He should just say Abraham, Paul or something else. You would never be able to tell if it was the truth.

The temple ceremony used to include death penalties for revealing the "secrets". Hard to deprogram such brainwashing.

It is probably Larry.

I hadn't been to the lds church in YEARS and even my niece and my daughter (who soon turned TBM a year or 2 later) wondered why I was still wearing garments. I went to my exmo therapist and asked and he said the temple things are the most difficult to deal with. That is when he referred me to this board. I searched garments and then temple names, and laughed until I cried.

I revealed my temple name to my boyfriend on IM. He asked if lightning struck--was I still alive?

It didn't occur to me to ask my "ex" his name for several years. He was actually a bit reluctant, too, but he told me. Lucy and Abinidi.

My TBM daughter knows my temple name, too--and she even laughs about it, believe it or not! My ex's sister named her dog Lucy and we, including my TBM daughter, all chuckle every time she'd say her dog's name.

I think it is the programming. I was long gone before I ever divulged mine or quite wearing garments.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/10/2012 10:34PM by cl2.

My temple name is Lucy too.

Maybe his is Ricky and he can't think about it without laughing. :)

I'd say that there needs to be boundaries in any relationship, if he doesn't want to share it, not much you can do. I wouldn't raise dissension in a marriage over it.

Try a different name first thing each morning. Until he cracks a smile.

I wouldn't tell you my temple name either.

O.K. it's "Benjamin."