DH's family reunion is this summer. DH and I officially stopped being Mormon last month and we just recently told our parents. His very TBM siblings and extended family don't know & would not take the news well. I expect there will be a lot of crying and judging when they all find out. My in-laws have already said that they will not tell family, it is up to us.

Everyone is expected to pay & attend these reunions, unless you have a very good excuse & even then you are criticized for not going.

My son is supposed to be baptised soon, so they will all suspect something when that doesn't happen. My dilemma is if we should even go. I just can't imagine being stuck in cabins with people I only see every couple years judging me. Maybe if I wait till the next one in a couple years things will have settled down by then. Would love some advise on this.

Do not go and let the chips fall where they may. Then do not look back. That is how I feel,

If relatives will mind their manners and their own business, I would go.

If they won't mind their manners and their business, I wouldn't go. If they demanded a reason, I would tell them it's because you don't want to expose your kids to people who refuse to be civil. Family get togethers are for building good memories. Not a get together to put one on trial and gang up for an abuse session. Why you subject yourself or children to that?

Go to those portions with which you feel comfortable. I go to the outdoor sporting events and skip the rest.

It's just not worth it being in a state of frustraton when they don't think to make the activities more flexible or fun for the non Mormons.

I relate to everything you are saying. We waited a while to let everyone know and for me, it was better. I'm more comfortable with my decision now and see all of the shunning and "freaking out" they do as a symptom of their problem with the church not mine. They can't stand dissent because it is so threatening to their world view.

I'm learning to honestly and genuinely treat them more as the "victim" than me--something I wasn't able to do for several years. They pick up on that immediately and know they can't change me and hopefully realize that I do still want to know them and remain friends--we just aren't going to "go there'. I'm also fine with them staying in the church--which also took me a while to come to terms with.

We have a reunion coming up this summer too. Fortunately we have dropped the multi-day thing and are doing an afternoon in the park so it will be a lot easier for me. You won't be able to control what they do or think. If you can put on a brave face, don't play the victim yourself, and be an example of someone normal in their life--go for it. If you aren't quite there yet, i would wait. It is an adjustment for them to get used to the new normal. My thought is to ask if they have any good friends that aren't mormon who they accept and see if they can't move me over to that category while maintaining the rest of the relationship. Of course I'm going to be respectful of their beliefs but they will need to reciprocate or we have no business hanging out right now. And that is my report.

Yuck. I wouldn't go. Why pay for a guaranteed bad time? I agree with Mia's comments that family reunions are for building good memories. If your reunion is going to be nothing but judgments and abuse, why sign up for it? Stay home and do something fun.

Save your sanity and your childrens' mental health. I have suggestions that take money...

Couple of options:
Go, but make reservations for a motel in the nearest town so that you can escape as needed at a moment's notice(When the shaming begins. Do not accept abuse!).

Or:
Decline, but if it would feel like a nice gesture on your part, you could even send some money toward your "share", if your family does this the way mine has in the past, splitting the total cost.

Then for the next one down the road, decide far enough in advance whether you're going or not, so that space for y'all isn't reserved.

If they are going to judge you anyway, I'd make up some reason to not be there. It's going to be stressful being with people who judge, pity, condemn you for days on end - especially since they are doing it unfairly. I think the unfairness of it all bugs me the most. Also, probably a lot of conversation is going to revolve around the church/their beliefs/callings etc. So will it really still be interesting to you?

I wouldn't go but if there is someone you'll be really sad that you missed seeing, find a reason to visit that person later on this summer. Good luck with your decision.

Doing what we want, going when and where we want, etc. Life's short, too short for that kind of thing! Been there, done that. They want to see me, they can come to my home, one small group at a time.

bumping this up....hoping for more comments! =)

I guess I'd ask you if there will be anybody at the reunion you may want to see. We all may leave the church, but we remain members of our families. We may be able to preserve some of those relationships even though we have parted ways in our spiritual lives.

I had a similar thing happen shortly after I exited the church. My departure was very high profile in my family and spread quickly among the family grapevine. I remain the first exmo on my mom's side since the family arrived in Salt Lake in 1849.

I was surprised when my mom asked me to go with her to the family reunion. She probably thought some family member would step forward and set me straight.

I had an aunt who I dearly loved that was battling cancer at the time, and I decided to go hoping for a chance to see her. I am so glad I did. When I found her we shared a big hug and had a long talk -- about everything but the church. It was a wonderful time and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I noticed lots of sideways glances and cross looks that day, but I had a smile on my face all day long.

I was (and am) free. And I have a joy in my life that I would love to grant to every member of my family. So I'll keep active with them as long as they'll have me. And maybe I'll offer some hope to some of them.

Just as a general observation: isn't mormonism destructive?

Then consider the source when the criticism comes.

You know your family. If it going to be miserable, I'd make excuses. If you think it might be fun, give it a try, but have an escape plan just in case. Staying at a hotel or at least having your own lodging is a good idea.

The news of your apostasy is too juicy. Someone will leak it. "Promise not to tell?" is the one promise nobody keeps.

If you are a newly minted exmo in a TBM family, the last place you want to be is somewhere like a family reunion where you have a rented cabin and leaving would be awkward.

I would tell everyone and address the situation in a place and time when you can have one foot out the door.

Unless of course, you are very gutsy and love to shock. Then it could be a blast and you will get enough cocktail conversation out of the event to last for years.

Don't go. For the sake of your kids alone, don't go. Don't force them into rough waters.

If you could make a deal with them upfront to not talk about religion then you could attend. Otherwise don't bother going.

It depends. What type of relationship do you guys have with your DH's family? Does it realy matter what they think? Your son is almost or is 8 (if he's suppose to get baptize soon), is he close to his cousins? Do you have other children, if so, how old are they? How would he/they would be affected by the DH's family reactions? Can you have an escape route? Is it close to home that you can choose to what you will participate in? Is it worth what it will cost both materially and emotionally?
We can give you only advices according to our own experiences. I think blueorchid is right when he says that the news will be leaked anyway.
I personnally don't care what my extended family thinks about me and I'm not much for huge gatherings.
But I like the idea of going and if things don't go well, saying goodby as soon as possible and leaving and go do other stuff either nearby or back home just your little family.

So many things that I have not experience with enter in the equation, ulimately you'll have to make the decision no matter what we offer has a suggestion. But I wish you luck and hope things turn out good for you.

As others have already stated, you know your family best. They proclaim that families come first, but sometimes we find that to not be true.

I have been the gutsy type. I take advantage of the oportunities to be with family and showing that I have no regrets for my decision to leave the church. I wore a sleaveless shirt to my TBM family reunion last year with a black sheep on it. I did chicken out from wearing my "pink sheep of the family" t-shirt though.

I have a SIL and a couple of cousins that send me e-mail or facebook messages with their testimonies. One cousin stated I was the strong one that helped her return to activity. Hopefully they can see now that I am the strong one to show them they can break free from TSCC.

Don't do it. DW and I have been "apostatizing" from the beginning of our marriage just under 6 years ago...that is also the year that the family reunions started...All MORON based...I couldn't stand to be around that 24/7 even when I was in the church.

We didn't go the first year, then the second year DW was preggo, and we had our baby right before it began anyway. Third year, we tried and survived 1/2 a day...long enough for us to provide food for them and that was it. Fourth year, DW was in the middle of a hard pregnancy again, so we didn't go. Last year, was supposed to be our year to plan (I'm 5th out of six kids, and planning was going down the line) but all the sisters (oh yeah, I'm also the only boy) decided that because I didn't go all the other years, they would just skip our year to plan it and so we didn't go again, because last year we did not have enough $ for it.

This year, Mom and Dad took their grown up children on a cruise for the reunion...it was initially booked as a BOM cruise...DW and I chose out of the cruise, again for financial reasons, but also for school for me. There have been talks of doing a mini reunion, but when DW and I suggested we explore the cultures of other people here in the Salt Lake Valley, my mom put the kibosh on that saying, "I'm the Matriarch of this family and I WILL NOT BE HAVING MY GRANDKIDS EXPOSED TO OTHER RELIGIONS!!!!"

Suffice it to say, that this was our last attempt at trying to deal with the TBM crap that is my family. They can all suffer on their own and see how happy we are out of it when they see the crap that they are in.

So to make a long story even longer, Don't bother with them. Either way they are going to judge you and it is not worth it to have them rubbing the crap in your face.