In spite of my screen name, I’ve never been promiscuous. I had internalized Mormon values about sexuality, but my moral values have changed since leaving Mormonism. It’s not just about blindly following the rules any more. I hope I’ve learned to be less judgmental, especially after what I’ve experienced.
At the time I met my current husband, I was still married to my ex-husband. It wasn’t a happy marriage. Our personalities were incompatible, I had stopped believing in Mormonism, and the subject of divorce had already come up, but we had agreed to try to work things out. While we were both deployed, I met my current husband and told my ex-husband that I wanted a divorce. Interestingly, he told me at the time that he prayed about it and got an answer that we should get divorced, but he told his family that the divorce was my fault and that he never wanted to get divorced.
I was actually under investigation by the Army for adultery, an offense punishable with jail time under the Uniform Code of Military Justice. I was ordered not to talk about the investigation, and since I couldn’t give an explanation, all kinds of rumors started. I was sick at the time, feverish and unable to keep any food down due to a poison thorn in my leg that I hadn’t noticed. When I was taken to the doctor, I was required to have a gynecological exam, as part of the investigation, in addition to being treated for my sickness. I still don’t know what that exam accomplished other than being humiliating. The investigation found no evidence and the charges were dropped. I felt completely betrayed by the Army. I had been working nonstop, day and night, on a tiny outpost in the eastern mountains of Afghanistan, one of the most dangerous parts of the country where we were attacked on a weekly basis. I worked hard and risked my life – and they wanted to send me to jail. A year after I got back, I found the paperwork for a Bronze Star in my file. The paperwork had been conveniently misplaced, so I wasn’t ever presented with the award, but I did earn it, it had been officially approved and it is part of my military record.
My ex-husband and I both are happier in our current relationships than we ever could have been if we had stayed together. It’s true that I met and fell in love with someone else while I was still married. Many people, Mormon and non-Mormon, would say that was morally wrong. I’ve been judged by my ex-husband, his family, and all the soldiers who spread rumors about me. Now let’s see what you think.

Did they investigate the person with whom you were supposed to have had an affair with? Or was this person not military?

Btw I am horrified that the military would do this to you.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/04/2012 07:23AM by rqt.

He's the interpreter I worked with, an Afghan citizen, not military. They questioned him as part of my investigation, but he wasn't subject to an investigation himself. Some of the rumors were that I was supposed to be having sex with all of the interpreters in a mass orgy. I don't know what the official charges were other than "adultery".
As far as the morality part - I also lied and told them I didn't have his phone number. Of course I stayed in contact with him, since he was the only person I could trust at that time.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/04/2012 08:05AM by sexismyreligion.

We've clearly been in Afghanistan and Iraq too long. Virginity tests are something repressive religious regimes do in other countries, not ours (or so I thought). How ridiculous and shocking.

A virginity test can't show whether a person is guilty of adultery anyway, since you have to be married to commit adultery which means you are not a virgin. My guess is that they wanted to try to scare me into admitting something.

I am so sorry that the military treated you with such humiliation and lack of appreciation for your service. I will always remember your story, THANK YOU so much for sharing it.
What type of "adultery test" men are subject to when suspected of the same?
You might have fell in love while you were married but you ha enough courage to get divorced instead of staying in the marriage for years while having an affair. Nobody on Earth can judge your choices and actions. We should all try to do our best and learn from our past to create the future we really want :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/04/2012 09:11AM by angelina5.

... sucks, sexismyreligion.

The military BS I mean.

So you got out of a bad relationship and into a good one. What's wrong with that?

As for the gyn exam, I'd go see your local VA rep and ask a few WTFs? ... That ain't right, that's just WRONG! ... They're there to help.

So sorry you had to endure such humiliation. We all knew we'd get screwed when we went in, but that's just way over the top!

Timothy

Wow, they can tell whether or not a person has committed adultery by a gyne examine? .......... ?

You did nothing wrong. We are not in control of our feelings. We are in control of our actions. I'm sorry that the military put you through that, especially under such adverse circumstances.

Have you considered contacting your senator or representative in order to get the bronze star which you earned?

For a long time, I figured the ethical, honorable thing was to end the relationship you're in before looking for a new one. It's based on the classic idea of treating others they way you would want to be treated. I wouldn't want someone cheating on me, so...

But, over the years, due to other stories like yours, I've realized things aren't always so cut and dried. Life gets complicated.

Plus, it doesn't necessarily sound like she went 'looking' for a new relationship.

I know I've randomly met a few people I've clicked with, but since I'm happy with DH, it never goes further than meeting. I can easily see how if things are bad at home, and divorce has already been discussed, it would be easy to end up much closer to the person that makes you feel like you matter, whether you were looking for it or not.

There are plenty of people who think that the ethical thing to do is to wait until the divorce is finalized before getting involved in a new relationship. I would have thought the same thing if I hadn't had this experience. At least I learned from this to be less judgmental.

There were few people as "virginal" as I was. Someone asked on this board if there were any true mormon virgins and I was one. We won't go into everything else that happened with my gay/straight marriage down the road.

So--for the last 7 years or so I've been in a relationship with the one who got away when I was in my 20s. I am now 54. I am still married to my gay "husband"--but have been "separated" for over 16 years. I need health insurance. Without it, I could not afford my medical care or mental health care that has certainly helped me get through the trauma I've experienced.

What it comes down to is being true to yourself. I am in a committed relationship and I am monogamous. My husband started cheating on me 2-12 years into the marriage. We were married in 1984.

So--tell me which is the REAL relationship? The gay man I was married in an LDS temple or this relationship?

I am an adulteress and I wear the badge with pride.
____________________

BUT--what was done to you was a travesty. I remember you posted another story about what else you have been through. You have a lot of courage!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/04/2012 10:18AM by cl2.

Amen. Being true to oneself is very important to me as well.

Thanks for sharing your story. First I would ask if you knew about the adultery law within the army. If yes, the you knew what you were doing. I don't like the army and never will get involved into, if so I will investigate anything they will interefer with my life before I jump in. So if you knew this clause you should feel betrayed. Second, it is ok to don't like your marriage and look further outside BUT first you should divorce first. When you get married you make promises and commitments that you shouldn't break that easy. As far as your ex lying and blaming it on you... shame on him. But what is the matter anyway? are you happy now? that is what matters.

Have you been through the process?

I think you may want to reconsider the "shoulds."

My husband had an affair a mutual leader. I was devestated because she was suppose to be my friend. Her husband did not seem upset. I was 6 months pregnant and it continued until after the baby was born.

The funny thing is that he said that I was not taking care of him sexually, but we were having some hot sex in during the pregnancy. He was basically lying to her.

I wanted a divorce, but found myself, in all the confusion, pregnant again. I think he wanted me pregnant so that I would not divorce him. At four months into my pregnancy (and my son was only 9 months old), my husband was sent to the front line of Desert Storm.

The mutual leader was stalking both him and me and I finally got tired of her threats so I called the bishop and Stake President over to confront her when she came over to talk to me.

This is where I lost it. The Stake President took her side! With all the stress and the activation of my husband to the front line, I miscarried my baby in the mid-term.

When my husband came home, the new mutual leader threw a huge return party for him. I thought she too was my best friend, but she went after him too. I was pissed. But what really pissed me off is that my second=grader was had oral sex done on her by cousins in the family (for which they were turned in).

I went to the bishop, the Stake President, and then a GA, and they all said I was psycho. It was then that I turned to another religion.

I agree with Summer. Contact your senator and/or representative AND the VA regarding the Bronze Star you EARNED and were never awarded. You deserve the recognition you were denied.

It makes me ill that you were treated this way by the army, but sadly it doesn't surprise me. You may want to contact the GI Rights Hotline http://girightshotline.org/en/ 1-877-447-4487 to investigate your options.

I did receive the Bronze Star. It happened without my knowledge and I never had it presented to me. But officially, I do have it.

Re{ The Bronze Star should have been given to my husband too, but because of politics he did not recieve it.

Also, adultery goes on in the military all the time. I really think that there are some promotions and benefits this way, but they keep their mouths shut.

Do not be horrified that the military would do this to her.

BTW, my husband should have had the Bronze Star, received the had papers written up for the Bronze Star, but then had it turned down by his commander(a coward), who took the Bronze Star and recieved an Article 15 at the same time. It is all politics.

Sorry, I need to preview my writing.

Stray Mutt, I totally agree with you. I personally believe in Karma, but the world seems totally unethical.

The UCMJ is antiquated and out of touch with reality. The adultery rules, just like the gay issues, are ignored unless a spouse makes a stink or someone wants a reason to harrass or throw someone out.

There were many gay men I knew in the military, and no one cared. It wasn't until a captain and I butted heads that they took action to discharge me because of homosexuality.

The same as in any office setting, adultery can cause issues within an organization. This is especially true if there are perceived favors.

Several years ago I had transferred to an office that had experienced the fallout of an office romance. One lady felt I needed to be filled in on the issues. I told her I didn't want to hear any of the gossip. Her response was it was all true, not gossip. I still didn't want to hear any of it.

the Mormons only 'respect' things when it's convenient.

In the Bible & BoM, Christ says adultery is the ONLY justifiable reason for divorce.

When I pointed out to leaders (DW#1 divorced me b/c of 'apostacy') that I hadn't committed "A", they just Yawned, said it "Didn't Matter".



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/04/2012 12:16PM by guynoirprivateeye.

My father served in Vietnam. On a mission his helicopter got hit by ground fire and he was knocked down and fell almost 150 ft... thankfully he survived!! For valor during the mission, he was recommended the silver star.

Long story short, he was married but found out his then wife was cheating on him. My dad met my mom and they began to date--as the divorce was already in process between my dad and his soon to be ex. Well, soon to be ex found out about them dating and got my dad in trouble. My dad's CO stuck up for my dad and prevented a court martial.

However, because of this, my dad never received the silver star. He says that in the end, he got the best reward one could want: My mom and me!

Edit: meant to say reward not award.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/04/2012 12:21PM by mike.

@ontheDownLow--I agree with you and how it should be (and Not wanting to start an argument).

However, when you volunteer for the Armed Forces, you agree to enter on their terms.

Yes, things should change, but at this time they are not so. It's just like when you wear the uniform, you can't criticize the President. It is punishable.

The fact that the military did that to you is a violation of your constitutional rights.

I don't care if you were having an affair. The military has no right to treat you the way they did. I would hire a lawyer.

As far as falling in love with someone else while being married, I don't know how to view it cuz I don't believe in the Bible anymore.

I do feel that the rule of "doing unto others" applies.

But it appears to me that your Ex has some hurt feelings. It is a betrayle of sorts even though you both split up. If the shoe was on the other foot, you may not have liked it either.

But I am not judging you, I am just trying to present the objective facts as I see them.

My ex-husband does have hurt feelings, even now, even though he quickly remarried a Mormon girl he's much happier with. I think it's mostly pride - that he feels like he wasn't good enough for me. If I could have ended the marriage without hurting his feelings, I should have done that. I just don't know how that would have been possible.

Your statement that they probably did it to make you admit something bothers me too.

In a civilized world, you don't get to do "exams" on women for anything.

I think there are some disturbing issues behind the need for women to have "an exam" for things like adultery, virginity, etc.

In a repressed culture, easy sex and viewing women are "forbidden." Men tend to deal with this by subjecting power over women and inventing reasons to have access to get a little buzz. This is an act of aggression but I personally think it is in the same category of porn where they humiliate the women and get off on it.

It's their little way of getting some access to women that would otherwise not be accessible.

Whether it be checks for virginity, or having to make someone strip to check them for crimes, the women is used for a sexual purpose IMO.

I'm mortified this was done in the military. I know why they do it in the countries where they have a repressed religious practice that allow men this little "luxury" at the expense of women. But the military? This should be getting addressed legally. I think the public here would be outraged as I am.

I don't care who you screwed. How dare they think they should get an opinion.

Islam is especially scary in this topic. The Catholics had the same kind of thing going in the witch hunt age when they would need to check the woman's body for devil marks. They just wanted an excuse to see women naked and humiliate women.

It is interesting to note that the US Supreme Court this week decided that the Police are allowed to strip search anyone they want that is under arrest, no matter how insignificant the crime is.

"The Supreme Court ruled Monday that people arrested over traffic and other minor offenses can be strip-searched even if there is no reasonable suspicion that they are concealing weapons or contraband."
http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/opinionla/la-ed-strip-search-supreme-20120404,0,6507648.story

That is going too far, IMO. It's going to be used inappropriately.

All people have to be subjected to that because someone MIGHT be concealing something? Shudder. We're not even talking about airplanes.

When a relationship is failing or has failed, people often get into a transitional relationship, one that provides motivation and support to get out of the failed relationship. Sometimes that transitional relationship is just that--transitional and temporary. But sometimes than new relationship becomes permanent. Been there myself.

Wait, the army SPONSORS and regulates brothels during wartime, like they did in Hawaii and Japan in WW11. Don't tell me they checked to see who was married before they were allowed to go to the brothels, or to get treatment for VD.

Such hypocrisy, and misogyny.

hello Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Wait, the army SPONSORS and regulates brothels
> during wartime, like they did in Hawaii and Japan
> in WW11. Don't tell me they checked to see who was
> married before they were allowed to go to the
> brothels, or to get treatment for VD.
>
> Such hypocrisy, and misogyny.

Maybe I'm biased because I was a military brat. When I turned 18 I took the ASVAB and wanted to join but was rejected because of a medical condition. I tried and failed. With that said, here's my $0.05 aka my opinion. I don't know anything about WW2 and regulated brothels. Back then, also, there was a draft. This is an all volunteer military. I am not wanting to start an argument. I even agreed that terms in the military are outdated. But, for the time being, if one volunteers by their own choice and signs an agreement by their own choice, it's a choice that is made. I do hope things work out for sexismyreligion! That is all I have to sa