1) God won't listen to your prayer as well if you don't use Old English.
2) Some of the Native Americans came over in early, poorly constructed submarines.
3) Nephi was instructed by God to build a full ship despite having no training.
4) God would put a hit on you for talking about the temple ceremonies. (Before the changes to the temple, of course.)
5) People only leave the church if they are tempted by worldly sins, deceived by the devil, or were offended.

My eternal spirit looks JUST LIKE ME (Before or after I lost the weight? or...do spirits gain and lose weight along with their host bodies? Sounds a bit parasitic to me)

It's ok to eat food without saying a prayer if someone else "already blessed" it.

God will soften the hearts of the wicked (pharoah, etc.) to get them to do his will, but we're on our own. And if we screw up, we're fucked.

Semen, like American flags, should never touch the ground.

Apparently, they lose their Jesus approved, bullet-proofiness if you do.

God thinks boys are born with too much cock.

North America is truly blessed with Corn on the Kolob for Mormons to eat on Thanksgiving Day.

Haha, that's awesome, thanks for the laugh!

More crazy talk: the opposite sex and any associated feelings while on your mission are "the devil". You can understand anyone's testimony in any language by "the spirit".