My MIL (Catholic) has been jibing me consistantly. Despite my wife's objections, I finally sent her a message:

Dear MIL,

I thought it would be easier to organize my thoughts and send a message than talk in person.

Lately, you have been taking a few potshots at me, and I'm not sure why. (During one event), Little Mystic made some comment about his itouch, and you said "I'll bet Lost Mystic is thinking about some video game or something on his phone he could be doing.". Truth is, I wasn't...

You told me that when your niece made that FB post, I was the first person you thought of and that you think Satan has control over me. Knowing what that would mean to a believer, it gives me the impression that you don't think very highly of me.

Then today, (the only time she saw me, and the only thing she said to me), you told me how I came to your mind when watching the news on phone addictions or something.

It just seems you are having a lot of negative thoughts about me lately, and I'm not really sure why...

When you make these remarks, it hurts my feelings and quite honestly, it makes me a little angry.

Just wanted to let you know...

I love you, and thought I should let you know my thoughts and feelings.

Love,

Lost Mystic.





Here is her reply:

So sorry Lost Mystic. Never meant to make you angry, or hurt your feelings. Will try to watch what I say to you in the future.

Love MIL






This is the most hollow apology I can imagine. She will watch what she says to me in the future? How about addressing that what she is saying is inappropriate??

It sounds similar to "I'll try not to punch you in the face in the future".

Great. I look forward to that.

I wish I could video the regular interaction to give y'all a better feel for what has been going on for as long as I can remember.

I'm fed up.

Like if she was too furious to respond and asked a friend to do it.

I think you might be right...

Hide her on your Facebook page, find somewhere else to be when she's around, etc.

But that's how I deal with toxic people.

Your letter sounds just fine to me and you sound to me like a fine person. If I was having differences with my son-in-law, I would be happy to receive such an honest, open and heartfelt letter. I would have called you immediately to thank you for caring enough to send it with love. Then I would apologize for anything I had done to hurt your feelings and assure you that it won't do it again.

Also, I think her "trying" not to do something anymore is possibly her sneaky way of getting around the fact that she may not really be interested in making things work out. It could be merely a deceptive tool to make you think she is. Passive aggressive thought process, possibly. If she really meant that she wanted to do better she could have said, "I had no idea I was being so rude to you. Thank you for explaining it to me. It will not happen again and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings."

I also like that you wrote MIL the letter because it doesn't put your wife in the middle. Because it is between you and the MIL. I think your direct approach is admirable. By your MIL constantly saying snide remarks about you to her daughter, she may be trying to put a wedge in your marriage. If you don't involve your wife and put her in the middle of the dispute, it might take some of the power away from your MIL.

She does sound toxic and you can never win with people with that mindset. No matter what you do, it probably won't be right with her. I usually ignore folks like that, because they are are poisonous to me. But because she is your MIL, you may just have to keep her at arms length and avoid her as much as possible. You can be cordial and leave it at that. I feel for you...doesn't sound like fun.

I think you worded your message very well. I don't know what else you can do at this point, other than try to minimize contact with her. Hopefully your wife can recognize the effort you've made to get along with her mother.

That's the tricky part. My wife wants me to just ignore the comments from her mom. She said "that's the best apology you could have hoped for."

I try to ignore these endless jibes but they get under my skin. I'm not able, currently, to be like the Buddha...lol

Plus, my 3 y/o daughter is getting an earful from MIL about me as well. Just the other day she said "mommy can't eat those white crackers like grandma and pa can because mommy isn't married in the church. I want you to marry mommy in the church."

Great.

I have to fill out an annulment packet which requests a detailed sexual history among other things, in order to potentially receive an annulment, in order to get our marraige blessed by the catholic church.

Ugh. :(

I would no longer let that toxic woman have
Unsupervised visits with my child! Ever!

She cannot be trusted.

You don't have to be saying "No you can't be with my kid."

You just make sure you are there when she sees your child.
You can be in the next room and hear what she says to your daughter.
You owe it to your daughter. She cannot be subjected to Grandma's bad behavior.
Your silence and letting your child be alone with Grandma Toxic could send the message that Grand ma is telling the truth about you, and you agree!

Also if you have to constantly correct the toxic words, your daughter will either have to learn to not tell you anything, or defend you to grandma, which she is too young and inexperienced to do!!!


Your unsupervised 16 year old Daughter would be able to see the toxicity, but not your vulnerable 7 year old!

Please be wary of the poison your MIL is to your children!

Lost Mystic Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

>
> When you make these remarks, it hurts my feelings
> and quite honestly, it makes me a little angry.
>
> Just wanted to let you know...
>
> I love you, and thought I should let you know my
> thoughts and feelings.
>
> Love,
>
> Lost Mystic.


Are you just a *little* angry and do you love her?

I do love her. She has a lot of good traits as well, and we have had great times in the past.

I am quite angry though. Very much so.

I've written a letter to my MIL who acts much like you. Now we have nearly no relationship because I refuse to put myself up with her bahaviour.

I feel uncomfortable around you. I find it difficult and awkward. I would prefer a distant civilised relationship.

After this, I basically left the room whenever she became uncivilised, and she is on her best behaviour, and doesn't make mean comments but is manipulative as ever. My next act is to send an e-mail if she writes me that her behaviour is manipulative and emotionally abusive and I no longer with to have a relationship with her.

I would be pleased with the agreement of MIL to be more careful in the future. She was spouting off (shooting from the hip as they say) and didn't know it was bothering you. Happens.
Good for her. I find her reply adequate for the situation.

What next? My view? Let go of the negative emotional attachment as it only hurts you, and you don't want or need that.

This example is information you can use in setting your personal boundaries in the future. You learned things about this person that will help you to make wise decisions about how you relate to her.

I don't allow people to bother me very often. It has to do with "taking your power back and owning it." It's very empowering.

But...once in awhile, I'll make a decision, based on attitude and/or behavior and comments that tells me there are certain people I don't want to interact with. And I don't. I take them completely out of my thinking processes, and get on with what is really important in my life.

That's how I would react.

I fail to see how she didn't know that telling me in front of my children that I have Satan in me and that I'm under his power, wouldn't be offensive to me...

She did think it was offensive. She's trying to control everyone, including you, but more especially your children. I find her offensive and agressive and not at all Christlike. And I'd put a stop to it by addressing it and if it didn't stop, I'd not allow her toxicity around the children. She's trying to alienate you from your own family. I wouldn't let it happen.

Lost Mystic Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I fail to see how she didn't know that telling me
> in front of my children that I have Satan in me
> and that I'm under his power, wouldn't be
> offensive to me...


That's because she doesn't think like you do. We often forget that.

It's more than that.

Unless she is a sociopath. Otherwise, I totally disagree...

I want to minimize contact, but that's where my wife comes in.

She wants us to see her mom all the time, and it creates a huge source of contention when I state that I prefer not to visit, due to how I'm being treated.

Oh yeah. MIL lives 1 mile away from us!

Oh boy. Well, for me, when I'm forced to be around that kind of behavior, I come up with a mantra that I repeat each time these things occur. Something along the lines of "I don't appreciate being denegraded in front of my loved ones. Please stop. It's ruining the good feelings I have for you." Say that, or some version you're comfortable with everytime she does it and she'll eventually stop. It works for me, and might work for you.

I've also found it helpful to have a few one-liners that I repeat when I have to deal with people who are chronically difficult. It allows me to respond while not having to be more emotionally vulnerable than feels good for me.

Maybe Lost Mystic can negotiate with his wife for less time with MIL. "I'll go every third visit or something." Might also be helpful to learn more about wife's attachment to having him go, too. What is she trying to fulfill with that?

Oh, and MIL's response struck me as rather backhanded and subtly blaming, like her behavior is fine but Lost Mystic is oversensitive. Passive-aggressive. Who would think, huh? :p



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/26/2012 05:01PM by robertb.

I think y'all have a good idea...

A response that I could use everytime she jabs me.

Someone doesn't have to be a sociopath to engage in this sort of behavior. You are overreacting a little bit.

If all she is thinking about is religion, satan, or even something like illegal immigrants, sensitivity soon becomes irrelevant. Instead, proclaiming the truth, or changing peoples minds, or anything like that, becomes much more important than whether a person might or might not be offensive. A person like that doesn't even think about being offensive or not.

To deny that this exists outside of the realm of being a sociopath is silly.

But, of course, you do know her best and would probably know if this were the case.

My sociopath remark was a sarcastic reply to the comment that perhaps my MIL didn't know she offended me by saying I'm possessed by Satan.

She isn't a sociopath. But she knows I would find her remarks offensive.

did you REALLY read that letter i mean the "apology" really? cause here is what struck me as a VERY real insight into her thoughts...:
"Will try to watch what I say to you in the future."

well isnt that just so gracious of her... the key word that seems to be ignored is ...SAY to you in the future...so that means what she THINKS will not change...she will just try not to tell you what she thinks of you... i see that as ahugh family problem...if it was a friend...no big deal... dont see them anymore...but this is family and his wife sees that email as much of an apology as her Husband is going to get!! to me that phrase is not even passive agressive..thats just agressive!

so it seems to me!

You nailed it on the head...that was exactly how I interpreted it!

That was my first interpretation too, but she might actually have meant that she wasn't aware that she was being hurtful and will be more thoughtful about what she's saying in the future. I don't know her though. Has she always been hostile to you?

bignevermo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>He asked how would you react.
I stated how I would have reacted, considering I have experienced all of that and much much much worse.

First of all, I stop taking any of it personally. I can't stress how important this is.

Then I set some boundaries on what I will accept. And I have.


And I stop TAKING offense. I own my own power which means I don't give others permission to offend me. It's just not worth the energy to get all riled up over what other people say and do that is because of how they think and how they are different than I am. Their comments are about them, not me anyhow.

That's how I do it.

Why? Because it leaves me empowered, gives me the freedom of NOT taking other people's comments personally, and makes it impossible for them to hurt me over some words.

That my friends, is empowerment! Try it, you might like it!! :-)

Otherwise, stay upset, TAKE offense and be miserable trying to control other people's comments. ......which won't work and only make things worse anyhow.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/26/2012 05:49PM by SusieQ#1.

That's one way, and I'm glad it works for you. In many situations it would work for me too, but I prefer, to those I have to interact with on a regular basis, to ask them to be responsible for their behavior around me. That includes how they treat me. If I don't find them to be kind to me (and that doesn't mean I can't be critisized) I say so and ask them to improve their behavior or I don't spend time with them.

Your way alone, makes for a less civil society.

no suzie you cant make me upset...so i dont need all that advice that you just gave out... i am incredulous maam. i am incredulous as to the fact that you dont see that his MIL is just plain agrressive to him...the OP sees it... and me so upset? nahhh i can turn this and you off anytime! :) Susie you just seem to want to see the good in other people(almost always the TBM's) and seem to discount the fact that when a TBM is aggressive towards a poster they have a right to be upset and may need to have the issue resolved...you dont seem to think anyone should be upset..you advise people to just let it go...the other person isnt bad...you should just let it go..adjust to the TBM's wishes or their good ...not the posters....which can be infuriating to the posters that are hurt by their families words or actions...the issues need to be addressed at the family level and the OP is right to be upset in my opinion...see right here susie:
"I find her reply adequate for the situation"
i think that the reply is aggressive as does the OP... what would susie do?? i guess susie already has decided to side with the MIL... seems kinda typical response to me...one i sure dont agree with... because what people say does matter...and how they say it does as well...which is hard to judge over cybespace...so you would accept her letter and move on...OK and when she is aggressive again> just be demure always huh? just suck it up and take it huh? i would not live like that! my opinion would be heard...thats fore sure!

edited to reply to this comment too:

"Otherwise, stay upset, TAKE offense and be miserable trying to control other people's comments. ......which won't work and only make things worse anyhow."

i am not miserable nor controlling nor upset susie...and i am glad you decided what will and what wont work for me... :)



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 02/26/2012 06:21PM by bignevermo.

Some people don't get it and some people are insensitive and disattached enough to say things like that and think it is normal. That one a huge sign of religious extremism, and it isn't uncommon.

You know her best, so I would go with your own judgement though.

You could tell her she should see her priest about her negativity towards you. She could very well be under the influence of Satan. ;)

Sounds to me like mother-in-law wants to see something bad in you. Her mormon brain demands that the non-mormonness of you reveal itself as something negative. Anything will do.

It's telling that the worst she can come up is rather mild when you think about it. I mean, even if it were true, how damning would a phone addiction be?

Mother-in-law puts on her special mormon viewing filter and looks for signs of your fallen nature. You can't win in that situation. If one is only looking for failings or weaknesses, one is bound to find something.

Her confirmation bias is working overtime. She has no time left to consider your virtues, nor even to judge your virtues as virtues.

She's busy. Very busy. You are not that easy to condemn, but she will not give up trying.

Conversely, mother-in-law probably reserves her best self for interactions with your wife.

"And you thought of me ... why?"

Then, after she's finished stammering and spat out her first lie, I'd say, "Actually, this seems to be happening a lot lately ... blah blah blah [examples and points from your note]."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/26/2012 06:00PM by munchybotaz.

I think her response was fine. What else can she do but promise to do better in the future?

Give her some immediate feedback when she messes up again, i.e. "ouch!" or a "quit picking on me" with a significant look thrown her way. I'll bet that she gets it.

Changing how one interacts with others is not the work of a day.

One more thing that is probably the most effective: In this specific case, I'd have the wife talk to her mother, tell her to stop being so negative about her husband. This is about how she interprets what is going on also.

That's a decent apology in my opinion, although the last sentence sounds a bit like you're the bad guy.

I'd accept it and then, if she does it again, what I suggested in my other post.

think about that statement...it aint good...just sayin!