I converted in 1974. Here's some of the BS I was taught over the years:

1. Jesus comes to the Holy of Holies and teaches the GA's.

2. Polygamy only REALLY became prevalent just before the handcart pioneers left Missouri. Reason being that a) more women than men were converting in Europe and moving to America; b) lots of men left the group to go to California to get gold; c) many were conscripted into various armies; and d) many had been killed during the Civil War. Thus, too many women and not enough worthy men.

3. The Salt Lake temple already had elevator shafts in it when they put the elevators in.

4. Jesus actually comes down to the Holy of Holies and lays hands with the 12 on any new profit.

5. 90% of tithing funds go to charities.

6. The earth is in it's 7000'th year.

7. Oral sex is an abomination. (should have left then and there)

8. Through worthy temple attendance, the Lard would provide a way to baptise everyone that had ever lived on earth.

9. The church would rescue the nation as a whole at some juncture when the government would "..be held by a thread..".

10. The "wine" in the bible was actually Welch's Grape Juice.

11. God is the same, today, yesterday and forever.

12. Every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that Joseph Smith was a Profit and that none can receive the fullness of the Gospel and be celestialized without his permission.

13. Garden of Eden was in Missouri.

14. Second coming will start when Jesus comes to Missouri.

15. If we're worthy at the second coming, we'll have to move to Missouri.

16. Utah Valley was God's choice because the Great Salt Lake and Utah River were symbolic of the Dead Sea and the River Jordan. (don't even ask)

17. The Hill Cumorah in upstate NY contained all sorts of gold, weapons, plates and artifacts.

I could go on and on....

Ron

1) children who were born disabled were more valiant in the pre-existence so that satan couldn't tempt them.

2) black people were less valiant in the pre-existence - that's why they were born with the mark of Cain.

like there have never been black children born with Downs syndrome.

1. Heavenly Mother.
2. You can get popcorn from a tree.
3. Spirits waging war on each other in the pre-existence.
4. The darkening of skin for sinners.
5. Starving yourself for 24 hours will bring you closer to gawd.
6. You need a holy oil to give a blessing, but you have to bless that oil to make it holy first. Where do you get that holy substace? an olive of course.
7. Pre marital sex will doom you to hell.
8. You picked your family in heaven(I know I would have picked better!)
9. Satan makes you use birth control.
10. The power of the priesthood!!!!!

And we haven't even scratched the surface of the things they keep "secret".

dont forget
'Joseph Smith Jnr died a martyrs death'

'He went to the jail in Carthage willingly, knowing he was about to die'

'He lived as a "type of Christ" and his death was a similitude of Christ's death'

...Your life is an arbitrary test of faith. At some point in your life you will be given an ultimate Abrahamian test in which not ONLY will you be asked to sacrifice your MOST cherished attachment, you will be asked to commit what you had understood was EVIL. Good will seem evil and evil will seem good, so the test is to choose what seems evil on faith.

Hmmm, are there any loopholes in this that might be exploited for, say, money, power?

1. Men will be shared by women in heaven because there are more righteous women than men
2. If you know the truth and leave its worse for you than if you never knew the truth

God cares about how many earrings you wear and whether you have tattoos, but he has no positon on stem cell research etc.

This is a fantastic point that I'd never even considered before.

Thanks for the laugh =)

This is something that still infuriates me:

Any justification of the Mormon men burning down homes, killing innocent men and children, and raping women because they refused to give them shelter, food, etc. After all, you aren't supposed to refuse god's annointed and if you do, this is what you deserve.

Satan has power over water.

Mo's are more likely to find their keys.

There are these 3 indian dudes who never die, and apparently like to hithhike around a lot.

I vaguely remember that story. I'll have to look that one up

The Mo priesthood can give the gift of the holy ghost by the laying on of hands.

The holy ghost comes testifying with divine power, and bestows spiritual gifts manifested by the faithful.

Jesus is a'comin to Missouri.

If you stock up on food, you'll survive the impending nuclear holocaust, but all the non-believers won't.

You can't go to heaven unless you tell a middle-aged man about your masturbatory habits.

God doesn't like the Rolling Stones. Guess he's a Beatles fan?

If you're okay with only receiving "net blessings," then you can pay a little less in tithing.

Any of the following will keep you from eternal happiness: raping a child, masturbating, being gay, or drinking coffee.

resipsaloquitur wrote: "Any of the following will keep you from eternal happiness: raping a child, masturbating, being gay, or drinking coffee."
-------------------------------------

Hey, raping a child SHOULD earn a person a place in hell or wherever the worst, most painful place is to be! FOR-FREAKIN-EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

But too many damn religions, including the Morg, protect the perpetrator and make the victim the bad guy!

That does NOT belong on the list unless of course you think raping children is okay, like being gay or drinking coffee, which really IS okay.

***MISSED POINT ALERT!!!***

Of COURSE raping a child is about the worst possible thing a person can do. The point I was making was that Mormons have no sense of ethical proportion. Drinking coffee, in a cosmic sense of things, is just as bad to a Mormon as raping a child, because it has the same eternal consequences--eternal damnation either way.

Okay.
Thank you for that clarification. I'm a little dense sometimes, and well.... can you say, "Trigger"?

We are the chosen ones.
Garments will stop bullets.
Once the leaders speaks,,all the thinking has been done.
All other churches are evil and belong to satan.
If you are not married in the temple,,it is not a "real marriage" and you are living in sin.
Leaders of the church are "chosen and ordained by God".
People who are not with us,,are against us.

Also that people like me go to Outer Darkness.

There will be a movie shown of my entire life, including every sin. God and anyone I care about will be there to watch with me.

The best way to pick a spouse is to avoid all physical contact, including kissing before marriage.

The church is a leader in womens rights. Mormon women were the first to vote, voted their own minds, and the Relief Society is the biggest bestest womens organization in the world.

Polygamy started in Utah.

Brigham Young did a great job with the whole migration. It wasn't his fault he forgot to send the supplies he had promised for the Martin and Willys handcart companies.

The SLC Valley was desolate when they got here. (Large areas were green and well watered, more than they needed. Wildlife was plentiful.)

Seagulls/crickets

God's success rate with his children is abysmally pathetic, but we should trust him with our money... lol

More...

1) Mormon Jesus wants your hair above your ears and off your collar.

2) Mormon Jesus wants you to wear only white shirts to pass the sacrament.

3) Mormon Jesus wants you to describe your adolescent sex-life in detail to a strange man all alone in an office with the doors closed.

4) Mormon Jesus wants you for a sunbeam.

5) Mormon Jesus wants outstanding Black athletes to play on his school's sports teams (BYU) but they can't be full-fledged members in his church.

6) Mormon Jesus can do anything except handle money frugally.

7) There is beauty all around when there's love at home.

Or so it seems to me...

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/24/2010 07:20PM by ozpoof.

That I could have my own world someday (with my god-husband and lots of sister wives, of course)

1. Two people living the gospel can make a marriage.

That is a bowl full of a squished out Yule log and I have in front of me the divorce papers to prove it.

Even if you lost a leg or an arm, or were badly burned in a fire.

Or if you couldn't afford a nose job, maybe you'd get a good one in heaven?

God can hear our thoughts better if our eyes are closed.

Wow Ron, same era, I was taught the same crap, which luckily I have mostly forgotten.

How about the 10 tribes will return from the north.