For years I had seen the doctrine as conflicting and false and the leadership as controlling and overreaching. My parents and older siblings were fanatical. They were not shy about expressing shame and disgust for me while expecting me to crave and work for their limited approval. I wasn't happy but this was before the internet and in my limited circumstances I did not know of other exmos. I was alone.

I had no idea I could leave. To me, that would be like a Chinese worman turning into a Swede.

I was wrong. One bright morning I woke to realize if I didn't want to be mormon, I could give it up. Just like that! I had a right to make my own way in the world and leave mormonism behind.

Why? News to me then, mormonism is nothing like race. We can accept it or reject it if we're willing to take the consequences.

That's what I did and the dark depths of self loathing and depression began to lift in an instant. Hopeful relief washed over me. I assumed I might have to live like Silas Marner as a hermit which seemed an exilerating alternative to living under mormon bondage as a cardboard cutout doing the bidding of an abusive cult.

Some might have a lifelong exmo goal of supporting mormonism and learning to live within a close mormon familiy and never making waves.

I knew that wasn't for me. I took the plunge into full freedom and haven't been sorry since that day in 1967.

Anyone who says mormonism must be like race or tribe is wrong. If that's their choice, it isn't mine.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/23/2012 05:36AM by Cheryl.

Mormonism was my culture. I realized I was Mormon simply due to geographical location of birth and generational familial linage.

Then, I grew up. I knew I had not only a choice, but a voice. I alway questioned how adults could fall for Mormonism and convert to such an odd structure.

I love my family, accept they are still in the cultural world of Utah Mormonism, but I keep a peaceful distance these days.

My folks converted when I was 9 which means I had a pre-mormon existence. My "intellectual" mormon existence only lasted till I was 14. I left the cult an my family for good shortly after I turned eighteen. Haven't had anything to do with the cult since.

Did it ever feel like I had left my tribe or culture or essence? Not in a million years. It was more like escaping from a concentration camp. I did and still do love those I left behind, but as long as their priorities revolve around the cult, I'm content to love them from a distance.

Whatever their feelings toward me might be is of no account.

I am my tribe, culture, whatever. I simply couldn't be "me" within the strict confines of mormonism.

Again, I don't think one can begin to "recover" until one completely disconnects.

Great post, Cheryl!

Timothy



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/22/2012 03:53PM by Timothy.

I agree Timothy. Moving away from where I grew up at 30 helped to lose alot of the "tribal" bonds. In my 40's I started major boundries for my children. Dealing with aunts, uncles and cousins.

I won't allow them or anyone for that matter to make me feel bad for my views about religion, politics, or pretty much anything.
If your not paying my bills you don't get a vote.

Luckly my parents have loved and respected my life and I have had a relationship with them all my life. I realize in alot of cases it doesnt work. They expect you to cater to there "true" beliefs.

If it were to ever become different I would keep my distance.

If it's some kind of "tribe" it's a very shitty, godawful, ridiculous, petty, damaging "tribe."

One that has NO problems casting children out over simple things.

And as a "culture?"

Good lord. Shallow doesn't even begin to describe it.

That is part of my experience also. As a Protestant convert, I would never learn to think like a "born in the bed" Mormon! :-) I sure tried though. I was plopped right down in the middle of Mormonism in all it's facets when we lived in married student housing at BYU when I was a member for about 1 1/2 years. I had just recently married an RM in the Logan Temple. I was a fish out of water!

Even though we thought we had just joined another Protestant church, and I had been very active in my past church, and had received all the "discussions" from the missionaries, I didn't know...what they left out! Boy oh boy was I in for a surprise!! It seemed like I learned something new every week. Some of it shocking. But I persevered -- I was a newly married young woman and thought I had made the best decisions. Well, I did, with the information I had at the time, of course.

It was sink or swim for me! I got busy and paid attention to the teachings, claims, how it was lived, the importance of the generational heritage, etc. I tried to learn to talk and walk and think like a Mormon. :-)

It wasn't until years later that I realized I had been led to believe there were real ancient records aka Golden Plates. We had even made a set out of wood and cardboard for a visual aid. (I chuckle at that now! )

I wanted facts. I had worked for CES and I knew there was a lot that was left out. I wanted those original, primary facts. And I knew where they were!

Belief by faith, I "know" testimony was just not sufficient for all the Red Flags that were practically blinding me !

Now, I live my life with out the trappings of religious teachings for the most part - what's not to like about: Love One Another!... Now there is no fear, no shame, no guilt, no regrets. Lots of peace of mind and lots of fun and laughter and joy !!

On the other hand, if religious beliefs is what others want, which seems to be the majority of human beings that ever lived or live now, or will live, I'm passionate about their rights to those choices. If that is what they need and want, I'm fine with that.

I found my personal code to living my life on my terms with a life-long Mormon believer and the friends and relatives that are also believers. I want to keep all of my positive relationships (which may exclude a few), regardless of their religious beliefs - all 8 to 10 of them among my friends and loved ones. I can do that without negative emotions/feelings getting in my way. Leaving the LDS Church opened up a whole new world. I had been busy living "in the world but not of the world" as they taught me, now I let that idea go and dived into the Big Wild World of Ideas! And I love it!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/22/2012 02:18PM by SusieQ#1.

Even though I was born into it, I never saw it as anything more than a building full of people that were artificial at best, and abusive control freaks at worst.

No matter how hard I tried to overcome that perception I couldn't. There was always someone there to re-enforce what I knew.

It should be required reading for all Mormons on anti-depressants.

Ana

That pretty much says it all for me.

There's an interestingly oblivious post up there. I know exactly what motivated Cheryl's original post, and yet... spin spin spin, "I can hold two conflicting opinions at once and believe them both!"


For my reply: I'm sure some of my family feels hurt at how I have utterly rejected the teachings of my "goodly parents". But I can not compromise my own integrity so far as to ever be comfortable belonging to such a sick "tribe". They don't want to see themselves the way I do, and frankly I don't blame them.

It goes in cycles and gets even more strange before it finally crashes.

Then it starts all over again.

Timothy



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/22/2012 05:06PM by Timothy.

Ya kills me!

Timothy

At least we get a few days off, once in a while.

What is it, almost quarterly, more than monthly?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/22/2012 05:05PM by WinksWinks.

Just depends on how things are going on Facebook.

Timothy

Loved reading this post - and everyone else's.

Eureka... people, you can leave. Just admit 'your' I mean ol joe lying sex-offender smith's creepy religion is wrong.

Maybe the church house down the road who are only allowed to wear dresses will smirk, turn their noses up, try and convert you to their church but maybe just maybe it will be the undoing of all religions that are based on lies. Science has freed me

It always sucks going first. Everyone on here knows that. Winks Winks wrote about not compromising integrity. That's what it is all about with me too-- I want a better brighter tomorrow and now lets shift to the new age era. Where people are more self- sufficient, want a good healthy life...buy local again...not work so much...and if we are working--run it like Zappos.

You guys really do amaze me. I enjoy reading here. It gives me hope.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/22/2012 04:59PM by holistic.

One of the things I love about Cheryl is that she looks just like a Relief Society president, and then she opens her mouth and says her wonderful non-Mormon and anti-Mormon comments.

In that same melodious voice. I love it!

Looking forward to seeing you and Jerry again.


Anagrammy

I knew an ex-Mormon BIC couple, who (before I met them) were living in an intensely Mormon area and had, of course, been raising their children as Mormons. Both of them were getting increasingly upset with the Mormon-ness of their lives (it was feeling like a "concentration camp" to them), and they were feeling actively trapped.

One Sunday after services, as they were going home, the husband said: "That's IT. We're not going back."

And his wife said: "You mean we can DO THAT?" (The thought that they could just stop going had never occurred to her.)

And he said: "Yes. We're never going back."

And they never did.

His wife told me that it was the most amazing concept to her. The idea that they could just STOP GOING had literally been unthinkable to her before her husband voiced it.

For me I felt like I was locked in a casket or mummy case. I think that's why I have a touch of claustrophobia. In medical situations I hate the feeling of being restrained or trapped.

I have the same problem with medical situations, and I wonder if it's related to issues with Mormonism and priesthood authority. I don't trust doctors - especially here in Utah, especially for issues dealing with pregnancy and birth. Why is it so difficult to find female OB/GYN doctors? How can a male doctor believe he knows more than a pregnant woman does about her own body, and expect the woman to defer to his authority without question? I see a LOT of boundary violations in this area, and hospitals not recognizing the need for informed consent. I'm standing my ground on this, so I'm going to be a very difficult patient. :D

I am sure you will get some suggestions from the women here.

Ana

I think the claustrophobia is a reaction to the extreme control and feeling penned up in mormon culture. I also like a female doctor if possible because with male authority figures I tend need to know why they do and say and proscribe everything and if I overdo it, that gets in the way of the patient/doctor relationship. I think the mistrust comes from priesthood guys who misuse what they see as their authority. I don't like to be bossed by someone who is putting one over on me or who assumes I'm not smart enough to understand the whys and wherefores.

I also have a bit of claustrophobia, which is something I didn't have before Mormonism. It's not just in medical situations, I get that same trapped feeling when I'm at some church and it's going on longer than an hour.

I have claustrophobia too, but it is specifically related to confinement BY or in close proximity to other people.
My MORmON dad's favorite game was to tickle past all enjoyment. Right through crying and squirming to get away. It always wound up with him pinning me on my back with my arms over my head in one of his hands, straddling me with his knees, crushing the breath out of me, and still "tickling" my sides hard enough to put spasms in my rib muscles.
No air, only a silent screaming face pouring tears that he always insisted looked like enjoyment. And then I was punished and shamed for being upset because that hurt HIS feelings.
My mother tried to introduce safe words(of all things!), but with no air, mouthing the word was ineffectual. She promised over and over she would stop him from doing it again, and then stood by with "mormon woman happy-neutral face" while he did it again. Must maintain a pleasant expression at all costs!

Now, reactions to this story always go two extremes: 1)It was just tickling, why do you have a problem? 2)OMG you need rape counseling!

While there was nothing sexual about it, I can see it as a power ploy paralleling sexual abuse's power ploy. He certainly stole my enjoyment of close personal touch.

My story has never failed to get anyone to see why I have claustrophbia under certain conditions.

I think only someone with a vicious mean streak to treat a fellow human being with such cruelty.

I'm sorry your dad did that to you.

Thank you.. I didn't think he was human for a long time. He has actually gotten counseling and improved himself, although that doesn't help me. We are trying to start anew, but I can't/won't forget my past.
My mom however, insists nothing is wrong with her, and has escalated the manipulation over the years, and now fits the description of a narcissist very well.

I hate that anyone else knows exactly what I described. :( It is good to be grown and autonomous.

I'm not ticklish anymore because of it. I also have some odd responses to pain stimuli but I don't know if that's related to abuse or having Asperger's. It's horrible and I'm really sorry you went through it.

That is how my sister dealt with it. She learned to "turn off her tickle".
Also she's two years younger than me, so my mom actually rescued her once in a while, and she got two years less total of this tickle torture than I did because eventually he was persuaded to stop.

She doesn't think it was a problem any more, even though she and I used to hide crying afterwards and make vows that he would never touch any child of ours. I will never have children, so this is not a concern to me any more, but she is dutifully making mormon babies...

Revising history. Maybe if I had been the younger one receiving comfort I could get past it, but I was "bad" for feeling hurt, AND responsible for calming her too. Major scapegoating.

WTF? I seem to recall hearing that tickling can be used as torture in ancient China. That's really cruel to do to a child.

Now THAT is interesting. Leaves no marks, doesn't count as abuse... to some people.

I have never understood a parent watching abuse take place of any kind. In some ways they are more evil than the perp.

I would have to call the police and the news, be sure the arrest was caught on tape for all to see.

So sorry you had to endure this with your mom doing nothing.

A church is a church is a church.

My convert wife told that to the RSPrez during an attack on our decision to leave. RSP nearly went pale. I on the other hand, thought it was my tribe and identity and that by the upbringing I had as a kid believed that I would be hated by God if I accepted all the proof I had found. So for her it was a lot easier to accept that it was simply just another church (personal temple experiences notwithstanding).

Probably the thing that helped me to see that it was no longer my tribe or identity was the removal of key doctrines and teachings from the Gospel Principles manual. Those things had been held over my head as lost blessings if I dared leave, but then a few months later they were not to be taught to our children or investigators, and to be forgotten by those who knew.

That happened well after we had left, but it was one key in helping me to unlock the tribal handcuffs of identity. The other was the shunning from family and the friends at church.

A church is a church is a church. Some are better and some are worse, some acceptable while others border on the preposterous.