I just realized that this is something I've always wondered, and there is no place like right here, at the RFM board, to ask! We have been out of the church for 2 years now, but we have LDS friends on Facebook. So many of my son's LDS friends are getting married, it seems...some, after knowing their mate only a very short time. Would any of you be willing to share what it is like for Mormons on their wedding night? I know that not all experiences are the same, but we are talking about 2 people who are so naive sexually, suddenly being faced with sexual intimacy on their wedding night. I have always wondered how that must be! I am a convert and lived with my husband before we got married. Hope this isn't too personal to ask!

Two wedding night virgins ?

It will be the blind leading the deaf.

... wow.

Considering the amount of babies born to Mormons within 12 months of their wedding night, I'm pretty sure they figure it all out quickly enough. We were all virgins once.

Exactly! It's not like they know nothing you do learn some things in school and from friends even in Utah and through media..just because your family isn't forthcoming doesn't mean you are completely clueless.

“virgin” and “naïve” are not synonyms. We did just fine.

My wife & I had sex for the first time on our wedding night.

It was great!

Honestly it was a pretty great setting for having sex for the first time. We were both quite comfortable with each other and confident of our commitment to one another.

It probably helped that my wife had done her share of masturbation and dry f@#king so that she knew how to have an orgasm.

I had read a couple how to sex books - she had read some too I think - all encouraged by TBM relatives.

In fact it was the first time either of had touched the other sex's privates. We had an hour drive between the temple and the reception and did some great exploring on that car ride along the LA freeways. My wife had some serious cleaning up to do before the reception ;)

Of course we soon after discovered that we are pretty much sexually incompatible and are still trying to deal with it 17 years later...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2012 03:27PM by ronas.

Thank you for sharing that Ronas! That's the kind of thing I'm curious about. I have imagined it being the opposite...two people having NO CLUE where to start! And I am sorry that your sexual compatibility is suffering. I think it is a real challenge to keep things exciting in the sexual arena.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2012 03:40PM by thinker.

not sure how many details ppl here want;

seems to be counter-intuitive since you both "started out from the same place" (as virgins)?

is Desire of frequency the main issue?

(speaking for myself) Sorry to hear this... Really.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2012 03:36PM by guynoirprivateeye.

And before I get accused of being a creep for knowing she's a virgin, that's information she volunteered! I didn't ask and wouldn't.

Anyway, she and her fiance have purchased a human sexuality book and the've taken turns reading it. In fact, they may have read a few chapters together. They may be virgins but they won't be completely ignorant on the wedding night.

I like to think my liberal stance on sex has allowed my daughter the option of educating herself. Many of the Mormons in this neighborhood would be scandalized.

I worked with a Mormon young woman who was getting ready to be married to her HS sweetheart, both virgins. I advised her to take it slow on her wedding night. After her honeymoon, she confided that "we couldn't even get it all the way in the first night" and I started cracking up and told her to buy some Astroglide for a little extra help.

This was recently, but BF's niece married in December. She told me and her aunts when a friend recently married, they decided not to have sex on the wedding night "because that's what everybody expects and it's just embarrassing," so her friend and new hubbie coloured instead. His nice announced that she and her new hubbie would just watch movies that night. I confessed to her aunt I thought this was a little strange. She reminded me that "Well, when you're told DON"T DO IT for so long and then suddenly you're allowed, it feels scary and still forbidden." I laughed and replied, "I guess it would be a little intimidating in that circumstance. it's been so long since *I* first have sex and I had a completely different exprience and POV about it."

I am SO glad I left TSCC before any of the temple nonsense.

lol on the coloring on the wedding night because it was embarrassing - since I'm already probably in the TMI on my other post:

My wife & I were both exhausted. Our wedding time at the temple was 7 am or something. And we had an hour drive into LA. So we had all been up since 3 or 4 in the morning. Having not slept great the night before.

On our way from the reception to our hotel, we talked about how we were exhausted and that we would take a nap first before doing anything.

Yeah right! We were on each other within seconds.

LOL to that one!

Here is uninteresting blog post that goes into detail of how this new bride felt on her wedding day/night. It's long, but I thought it was worth the read.

http://winkelnutter.blogspot.com/2011/06/stroll-down-memory-lane.html

In reference to the wedding night...

"Speaking of sharing my bed - I was having a mild identity crisis because so much of my identity in my adolescence was defined by my virginity. It's sad, but that set me apart from so many of my friends. And now, that had changed. That kind of weirded me out."

I watched it, Louise...got me teary! Thanks...

Wow, that's one of the saddest things I've ever read. Saddest of all - that she thinks that's an uplifting story.

I never ended up getting married, but when I was younger, I found close married friends, who were completely comfortable being asked lots of questions. So yeah, inexperienced doesn't always mean naive.

I always did wonder how it was managed psychologically though. You go from one minute it's wrong to do this, to the next minute, just because you said, "I do," you're supposed to do it.

How do you make that sudden mental switch?

It's not much of a mental switch.

It was a this will finally be OK once we are married. There are plenty of "logical" justifications that make sense at the time that all add up.

The time before the wedding is definitely odd. I want to have sex with her. I know she wants to have sex with me. It would be really evil to do that, but in a few days it will be the most righteous thing to do in the world. It's fairly common I believe for engaged Mormon couples to not quite make it to the wedding night before going at it. Then they just don't say anything and feel guilty. Often they will confess many years later and the bishop will just kind of giggle and tell them it's so far in the past that they have felt plenty of guilt through the years and they are forgiven.

Probably pretty much like two teenagers trying to figure out sex in the back seat of the car after prom or something. Everyone has to go through the whole first time thing sooner or later, although you don't always have two virgins going through it together.

It's just like that except you are older and you are committed to this person for life (you believe) whether the chemistry is any good or not. No test drive - just have to make your best guess that it's a car you want to drive forever.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2012 04:14PM by CA girl.

These kids will figure it out on their own and possible struggle at first. That's part of growing and maturing in a relationship. Most people go through this in the early stages of a relationship especially the first sexual relationship. Unfortunately for young Mormons this is typically after 2 or 3 months of knowing each other and a marriage is on the way.

The biggest problem won't be the wedding night. The biggest problem will be the sexual compatibility issues that start to crop up once the honeymoon phase is over.

That's when the real problems start. Once you realize your incompatible and married for eternity the real depression sets in.

That is just so sad....

My wife and I tried to have sex for the first time on our wedding night. However, she had consciensciously avoided masturbation throughout her life, and I had only masturbated for seconds at a time, at the end of my rope - though plenty enough to know how to please myself. My wife was plenty horny enough, but we were both completely inexperienced. That day was the first time I ever touched her privates, and the second time she had ever touched mine.

It was a long day. There was a big mix-up in the temple and my tuxedo got taken by someone and put in the back of a car. I needed it for our luncheon, and to avoid paying for it in full for losing it. After going to great lengths to find out what had happened, I finally tracked down the person who had taken it, who was 45 minutes away, driving home in a hurry to make some appointment. I ruined their day by having them turn around, and was pretty late for my luncheon, causing it to go way over.

After the luncheon my new wife and I had a little down time, which we took into her little brother's old room in her parent's house, where we did the first touching. We tried penetration right away, not knowing what we were doing, and to our dismay found that I didn't fit (in reality my wife wasn't properly "prepared" through stimulation, but we had no idea at the time) This caused my wife to freak out, thinking that there was something wrong with her, sexually, and that she was "broken." Memories of early-childhood abuse probably fueled this.

We then went to our reception, which was supposed to be one-hour of greeting and one-hour of celebration. Since nobody had paid attention to the the starting time, it ended up being 2 1/2 hours of greeting the perpetual stream of newcomers, followed by blowing off the rest of the line, hurriedly opening our presents, getting asked by about a dozen people how we should approach this or that little problem with finishing the reception, and eventually telling everyone to go screw themselves so that I could get out of there.

We drove an hour to the reserved hotel and got there about midnight. It was a frustrating day, but we tried sex again. This time, with effort, we finally uncomfortably got me "in." There were some tears.

The next day we didn't have a care in the world. On that second day we learned how to really have sex, and we've been getting better ever since.

Wow, thank you for being so candid, anonymous! I can imagine how frightening that could have been, thinking you might never get it right!!

About 6 months ago , I was invited to a "honeymoon shower" for a friend's daughter we have known for years. Not knowing her status as experienced or not, I made sure to get her some lacy stuff from VS, flannels from their college alma mater (go Huskies), some mints,and a bottle of tylenol. On the card, before she opened the box,I wrote for the honeymoon, the afternoon and the full moon. In the box, I also wrapped up the book "Joy of Sex" and put her and her fiance's name on it. It said "Do not open until honeymoon".
I got a thank you note signed by both and the "ps" said-thank you for the reading material, we are studying very intense for the exam.

What a clever and insightful gift!

We were both virgins that fateful night. She had not done any self pleasuring previously but I had. After a wedding in the SLC temple at 8am we had gone home to prepare for the reception that started at 7pm. First there was the pictures to be taken that started at 5pm. Followed by the reception that started at 7 and was supposed to go until 10pm but by 9:30 I got tired of standing around with no one coming through the line any more so I grabbed her hand and we fled. I had reserved the wedding suite at the Hotel Utah but when we arrived it was a dirty crappy room with an adjoining room that had been opened up and a couch and chair put in there to make it into a "suite". Effing church ripped me off on my fricking wedding night!!!

Anyway, we attempted for a while but in the end nothing happened. Turned out that she still thought of sex as wrong and dirty and in the following 31 years of marriage we were intimate perhaps 15 times total.

We are no longer married because of the programming she received and accepted completely from the morg about the dirtiness and wrongness of sex. Well that among a few other problems that lasted the entire 31 years. The wedding night was a complete disaster. Thankfully I was out of the church when I married the second time and our wedding night was everything we could have hoped for and more.

Anonbecuz, that is the type of story I kind of expected to hear, to be honest. I am sorry that your marriage didn't last, but it sounds like you are happy now.

Two virgin RM's. He was totally uneducated and unprepared. I felt like it was his duty to get informed before the big occasion. I'm not going to say more now, but thank goodness one of my closest friends had given me an educational booklet that I took along on our honeymoon. I wish we had waited to try until we got to our honeymoon destinations. On top of everything, his mother had a really dirty mind. Oh, but I promised I wouldn't go there.

I was a convert, and my ex-wife and I had to work hard for a year to get married in the temple. We had been living together and both got disfellowshipped for having premarital sex, so getting "worthy" and temple married was a difficult difficult journey.

The wedding night was awesome because we both felt a sense of accomplishment being "chaste" and we were both brainwashed at that point to think that the sex we were having was finally approved by god.

Funny side note. I was hypersexual starting at a very young age, and got caught having sex by my parents with lots of different girls all through highschool, to the point where they gave up trying to discipline me.

They didn't know my ex and I had sex before, so on the morning of the wedding my dad says to me "now she's always been Mormon and doesn't have your experience because she is a virgin. Be gentle and patient with her tonight.".

I just said "ok dad".


But many of my Mormon friends confided to me about honeymoon nightmares. They just had to work through the issues over time.

One of my friends had his wife call me to convince her (a couple of years after they were married) that because he wanted to try anal sex didn't mean he was gay. I just said "gay men receive oral sex...does that mean he's gay for liking blowjobs?"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2012 08:47PM by Lost Mystic.

Lucky us. Neither one of us were virgins.

We had sex at the rest area between the wedding and the reception.
We had gotten a new car for a wedding present, thought it was a great way to show our appreciation.

The whole virgin thing is way overrated.

Sex is (or can be) an expression of love. As such, you probably don't care how much or how little experience a loved partner brings to the bedroom.

But it is also a skill. As with any skill, putting two novices together to teach each other is not the most optimal way of doing things.

IMO there is a knowledge base to sex that can to a large degree be conveyed through books, but to a significant degree can not.

Sometimes I think that if Spencer W. Kimball had ever had a really good, solid *BLEEP* he would not have been such a humorless individual with quite so many silly, harmful thoughts on his mind.