How do you handle custody/children issues when your ex remarries?
My tbm ex is insisting that I go through his new, decade younger wife to discuss any scheduling changes with the children. In order to talk to me, she must be conferenced in on the call. He prefers to communicate via email, and I'm pretty sure she is the one who responds as the content is not reflective of his writing style.
I don't get this. They are not her children. He should man up and deal with his responsibilities instead of shoving them off on his know-it-all wife. SO FRUSTRATED!
How have you handled custody?????

Oh HELL NO!

My ex's wives, girlfriends, whatever, had no say ever in how visitation was going to go.

Everything was between Us. period. If he had something to say it had to be in person on the phone.

H____ NO!!! That would never fly in court and tell him so. Tell him to act his age and be a DAD. He is probably saying that since she takes charge of kids, activities, etc. He wants her to have a nice schedule. TOO bad jerk. Deal with your ex the proper way.

My ex would tell everybody if I phoned her house that I was harassing her --Then if I did not call she would tell the kids that I did not care for them -- So I got smart and got them both cell phones --problem solved --

JB

My ex is the same, though my son is a little too young for cell phones. We do make it a point to allow him to call and talk on the phone with the other parent, whenever he misses them. However, occasionally, when I am at work I can not take these calls, and she gets up set. On the other hand, if we call her while she is at work, she goes ballistic, because she is at work. She does not see how it is the same thing.

My point is, divorce tends to twist a parents view of how both they and their ex are handling the bond. We all want to be the better parent, so we tend to over analyze everything the other parent does. All you can really do is understand that this is natural, and remind yourself what you are doing, whenever you get out judging. Remember, you both love the kid, even though you no longer love each other.

To the OP, it is about control, not laziness. Your ex sees the mediator of his new bride as a means to control you. I don't think it is laziness or being a man as much as manipulative, passive aggressive behavior.


Now onto this matter--

just browsing Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My ex would tell everybody if I phoned her house
> that I was harassing her --Then if I did not call
> she would tell the kids that I did not care for
> them -- So I got smart and got them both cell
> phones --problem solved --
>
> JB


My ex would get on the phone in the middle of my conversation with the children and tell me I have talked enough. She would take away the phone (unplug it) on weekends, and she would shut off internet or remove their access to it 24/7. She complained that I called too much or that the children (some aged 16 & 17) were too young to have internet.

So I got them phones/texting because of these same complaints. She took away the phones/devices. I got them an internet connection through Clear 4G & a netbook with front camera so I could web cam with them regularly. She took it all away and broke the netbook.

The courts frown upon this kind of activity, but she is careful to only take it away and never admit on phone or by email that she does it. She uses the excuse that the children are behind on homework or house chores to limit their time online/phone.

Bringing it up at court got her only a "highly encourages" to allow web-cam and regular phone contact. Documenting this helps, but in court, it's her words against mine and the court has sided with her, being a SAHM and views me as an absentee father because I lost my job and had to move to another state to maintain a financially functional level of pay.

I've had to get my kids connected through secret means just to keep in contact at times.

However, when my 17 yr old son came to live with me, I immediately got him a cell phone and she calls him whenever she wants on it (which is barely once a week). He has a webcam on his own computer and no limitations on communicating with her (but she rarely does).


It isn't about the kids for the ex, it's about punishing the wayward exmo parent and bitterness at being divorced.

He can put her on the extension, or tell her what plans are made, but the discussions are between both of you; especially if you are sharing joint physical custody.

I have watched my DD go through this with her ex (raving TBM) try to duck things as he got remarried. He married a real TBM who decided his children, who only visit on Wednesdays and every other weekend, are part of his household.
She went to the school after telling the children she was going to talk to their teachers and get all the information about what she could do with their school work. It seemed she planned to place herself in a position where he and she could petition the court to take the kids from my DD. Since my DD has left the church, and at best is Buddhist, they obviously felt they had the right to raise the children as LDS since they believed and lived in Utah!

My DD called and e-mailed the private school where the kids attend and informed them of the new step mother's intentions. The school teachers and principle circled the wagons as it were, around my daughter and told the step mother they could only deal with the father and the mother. Only if the father was there with the step mother could she be appraised of the children's progress or lack thereof in the school.
My DD has a government grant or voucher that makes it possible for her kids to attend the school and they are thriving in Utah because of it! The teachers respect the beliefs of the family and my grand kids have had very little flack about not being believers in the TSCC.

The other part of this was the father had shown NO interest whatsoever in his children other than being able to bring them to family reunions as his status symbols in front of his family. My DD had to tell him no, he could not take them up to the cabin with his parents and siblings and their kids because she knew they would not be properly supervised. There is a lake at the cabin among other things and her ADD/ADHD special needs kids were ages 3 to 9 and she could see that weekend as an accident waiting to happen. Boy did she catch the disapproval from the in-laws!
I'm so proud of her. I've helped her stand by her guns and keep his TBM family within safe boundaries where her kids are concerned. They are learning slowly, but they learn.

Do not let your ex get away with trying this typical BS that moron guys like to do when the 'apostate' wife leaves with the kids he wasn't interested in, but his new wife is. The new wife typically wants to 'save' his children in the 'gospel' and be seen as the heroine.

Make him and only him, discuss plans with you regarding the children. She can sit on the side of the room, or listen in on the extension, but she can only be at the school meetings if he is there.

Be sure to inform the school she does not have parental rights other than aa a bystander. I believe they are obligated by law to separate the non custodial step parents from discussing the kids without the custodial parents consent, and a note from the court.

Let me ask you this. If you got involved with a new man, would you act as if the new man was the new dad? Because in our situation, that's what happened. Ex remarried (twice actually) and each time treated her husband as if they were the original daddy and cut the ex out of his kids' lives.

Now, I am my husband's second wife. I am a good person. I'm not LDS and never have been, but I'm not the anti-Christ. And I was not the cause of my husband's divorce. Nevertheless, I was blamed for it... I have met my husband's daughters once for less then 48 hours and was immediately labeled a "bad influence". They haven't spoken to my husband since 2004 and call ex's 3rd husband "daddy", even though my husband is their dad and supported them financially.

It's hard when there's a new spouse. I don't know what the new woman in your ex's wife is like, but she just might be okay. And she may be the one expected to handle child care in your ex's home. If you don't know her and are sharing custody, I would encourage you to give her a chance if you can. Because if she stays married to your ex and you are the kind of mother who cares about your child maintaining contact with their father she will have some influence.

Before you write off your husband's spouse, I would urge you to take a moment to think about it and determine if she is worthy of your anger. She didn't make a vow to you. Even if your ex cheated, he's the one who broke a promise, not her. And even if she is younger, that doesn't mean she's a bad person.

I agree with you. I liked dealing with the new wife via email because she was straight-forward and all about the business--what time, where to pickup, who and for how long. On the other hand, talking to my ex was always like opening an old wound, he would hang up abruptly before the important time/place scenario had been decided. He would ignore emails, but she never did.

Over time, I grew really fond of the new wife and knew that my children were in good hands having good food now that a woman was in charge. No more bachelor meals out at the old Am/Pm.

I felt sad for me when he dumped her, but she dodged a bullet and as a fellow mother, I was glad for her. She has since remarried and my ex found a cold bitch to match his own temperament.

Anagrammy

I like these. I grew up with divorced parents. My parents in a sense did compete. There was a lot of stuff that went unsaid when they parted and there was a lot of tension left over. A woman's nature..by nature is to take care of children and if she seems motherly why not make it as less stressful on the child. I have really bad TMJ now and clenched my teeth all growing up.

Correlation...I feel there is. I had way too much anxiety as a child. It wasn't necessary, and I feel like my parents sort of in some ways hid behind their children and made statements through 'their' children. Children don't belong to you...they aren't yours. They are people that you are raising and I feel if you are a parent you should rise to the occasion.

Try and reach some agreement..for the children's sake.

The visitation is between you and the other parent. Others have no say in anything. They are not part of the agreement that is usually court ordered.

My view: stick to email only . Presume he answers and confirms dates and times as court ordered.

...we made the decisions together concerning the kids. When his new wife came on the scene, we were all friends, since he lived with her before the wedding. Even so, she tried to or he let her handle more of the "arrangements" with the kids until I found out they weren't communicating well and issues I'd discussed with her weren't getting passed along to him. It wasn't intentional on her part, their communication skills needed some tweaking.

But this was years ago. We made it through bumps and bruises but now I feel fine talking with either him or her, doesn't matter, because the scheduling gets done.

We had a collaborative divorce and have been amicable. We also left the morg together which has helped with many decisions involving the kids. Good luck.

I can't tell you how much I dread this. My soon to be ex has had a girlfriend (he is still treated like the injured party and what a brave soul and has a TR and everything)almost since I filed for divorce. I live in Northern Ca.-so does he- and she lives in St George.I don't know when they will marry,but he has decided on the custody arrangements. Every 2 weeks they will switch homes. Back and forth from Utah to Ca. Sure. He barely gives them the time of day when he has visitation now (Sat. 10-7:00.)but he wants them 50-50 after he moves. I know this will never happen,as it is ridiculous. And I have so much garbage on him he will be lucky to not have his time reduced. But the soon to be wife is very pushy and demanding. Neither one of them are giving any concern to my 8 year old dd and 11 year old ds.

for loveskids.......I can't imagine any judge on earth giving 50/50 for kids that age where the parents live so far apart. has he even thought about school?! seriously? it's almost laughable, so i'm glad you aren't worried about that aspect. hang in there.

that said, my living nightmare is my ex's new wife. i could go on and on and on, but let me just say to the original poster, to do whatever you can to keep communication between you two. he will likely shirk any responsibility to her, and let you two gals handle it, but only if you let it happen. stand your ground. you are the parents. think of it this way, if it something about the kids that you would have discussed as parents when you were still married, then it should be discussed in the same manner, regardless whether your married to one another. this has helped me tremendously, to define boundaries as well as obliging my responsibility to share information with the other parent.

because *fat* chance that could ever happen in my case !

because my ex was such a vicious fat repulsive hog that no one will ever remarry her and I damn sure wish some one would just to show her exactly how good she really had it when she was with me!


(she paid her message therapist to have sex with her and he did once and then just could no longer stomach the deal)
I asked for my MIL (her mom) to get custody out of our mutual concern for the kids due to her daughters OUTRAGEOUS behavior which included turning my former 14 year old daughter into the neighborhood tramp, well at least the younger neighborhood tramp. My MIL was on my side. I never asked for any special favors, I simply asked the system to do the job of some semblance of properly evaluating the situation
( which should have been really easy to do considering what was going on) and then doing the best to protect the kids. That was way too much to ask!

I was treated so poorly by the courts, that I simply gave up!
Oh, I know many ppl will be outraged at the notion. but after the way I was treated by the court in the deal, there was no way I was going to continue in being ABUSED by my ex with the law on her side, even to see the spoiled rotten brats that were supposed to be my kids, so I just gave up.

and yes I blame the damn MORmON church, I listened to so much shrill empty LDS bull @#$%& rhetoric about the need to be married along with the bull @#$%& SWK any man & any woman as long as they live the gospel MORmON model of marriage that I had no real idea of how to have a real marital relationship, and worse yet I had no idea of how to acceptably get out of a terminally flawed *eternal* (hell of a) marriage once I made the grevous mistake of finding myself in one!!!! Because the insane ideals of the MORmON corporation ALWAYS COME FIRST above anything else to the point of drowning out any sanity and any chance for a decent life.

when I think about the things I did to please my MORmON parents, it blows my mind. My kids turned out total wrecks, they never had a chance with their psycho whore mother in action even though we had every major LDS point checked off for our bull @#$%& holy secret handshake temple marriage. Early on, I was so busy trying to work, trying to go to school, tryng to pay bills, trying to pay tithing, trying to establish a career, trying to do church callings, trying to please everyone but me, there was NO chance I could be any kind of a father and intervene. ANd what did the ASSHOLES at LDS INC tell me?
- that it was good for me to be that engaged in the work of the lord! Now go even harder! and after all the kids were being raised in the church with the wonderful church programs that surely superceded any efforts I could make as a parent, so there was nothing to worry about. later when it was profoundly too late for my kids, who was to blame? -ME! I must not have been working hard enough! I simply could not take it when the MORmON judge started in on me. Who outlined this BULL @#$%& overwhelming PROGRAM and LIFE STYLE! it must have been me!
(and then I failed at it!) because GOD KNOWS if it had been any one else it would have worked, and since it did not work IT must have been my fault! The kids wanted to be with their rotten mom and why would nt they? Its where they had been by design all along anyway while I was grinding myself into oblivion to build the MORmON kingDUMB of god!

I said "Great!" since how I suck so much, you can count on me not to screw things up anymore, because I am no longer going to be any part of any of this.

Its wonderful no longer being any part of the master plan
for god's work! I dont have to worry about what time, or what day, or what weekend visitation is going to be on, I dont have to worry about being late, or early or the meeting place or any other BULL @#$%& BECAUSE THERE ISNT GOING TO BE ANY FUCKING VISITATION! I dont have to worry about talking to the police or a DCFS case worker about the latest Bull @#$%& accusations against me that supposedly happened during visitation BECAUSE THERE WASNT ANY VISITATION! I dont spend any time worrying about how some ass hole my ex might be dating is going to feel about our visitation schedule or whatever else, because there is no context where it matters to me! Yes, my POS ex wife is pissed off because I dont have visitation, but guess what, she'd be pissed off anyway even if I did. This way is best
because there is no time when I have to listen to her bull @#$%& whining, see her disgusting face, or ever even hear 2nd hand accounts about her disapproval of whatever.

When I got divorced, I got a real divorce, the kind of divorce when a person no longer has to deal with in any way the spouse that they wanted to get away from, and I recommend it! In a way I'd like to thank the MORmON POS in the court system for making things so impossible that they were not really workable. (They are your kids now, assholes!) They set me free. I refuse to cry over the kids that I had and lost. They turned out way too much like their POS mom for that. If I was going to cry about any kids it would be ones that I never had, ones that dont have any DNA of that POS I was married to, ones that are not two legged reminders of the biggest mistake of my life -my insufferably crappy MORmON marriage!

THATS how I handle visitation !

WOW! This is wild. You have been to hell and back!

Hey anona,

I just want you to know that you aren't the only one. My husband hasn't seen his kids since 2004. The ex simply made it impossible. I'm sorry for what you've been through... Or anyone who has to deal with an uncooperative former spouse. Most of all, though, I feel sorry for kids who end up being used to fight their parents' battles.

thanks for not just flying off the handle and viciously attacking me for coming up short as a parent while having impossible conditions jammed down my throat, as is so fashionable to do. having two parents is a privilege, not a right. kids will have to learn the hard way, just like the rest of us, when they think its sporting / fun to follow the lead of the toxic permissive parent that's unfairly getting their way with the courts, and then get on board with bashing the other parent that's been treated unfairly, those kids may just lose that parent's presence in their life. Its called consequences.
I NOW know very well that I made really stupid decisions at the direction of my parents at that same tender age that negatively effected me for the rest of my life, like committing very early to serve an LDS mission and then doing it.

I am not saying that I was such a great parent, but I know just as well that I wasnt THAT bad either, not that bad as in not deserving of the world class hatchet job that I got, the hack job that the kids laughed about so much at the time.

just to prove the point about a lack of fairness and objectivity in this instance, its not just me that has been villified and punished beyond any reason for the sake of my ex's out of control ego and by the court's horrible ineptitude. My former in Laws, her parents, (as well as my parents) have not seen those kids at all due to their daughter's hateful vindictive behavior since BEFORE the marriage blew up, since before I saw them last by over a year. in that time grandfathers on both sides have passed away and with the way things work in mortality they wont be coming back to make up for things when or if those poisoned kids ever come to their senses.

as for me, I have value as a person in my own right and a life of my own to live beyond just spawning offspring and then groveling at the court's impossible whimsical demands to entertain everyone else while I have to live in Hell if they have their way. thats right, I am taking my ball and going home. to hell with those that dont like it. I have a limited amount of time, too much of which has already been wasted by others and their BS demands, and what I have left I am going to be spending on myself. and I believe many others would be better off if they had an attitude more like mine instead of insisting on being a parent at any cost. a person cant be much of parent after they have been destroyed anyway.

Listen... It's not that I advocate being an absentee parent if you can help it. But I have seen with my own eyes what can happen when you're dealing with someone who is simply crazy and unreasonable. Life is short and divorce is supposed to be a remedy when a marriage becomes unworkable. I don't blame you for being angry and not putting up with abuse. It does no good to teach kids that abuse is okay, or that they can treat you with contempt.

Maybe you will get bashed by someone, but it won't be by me.

I do not blame you whatsoever. You have to think about yourself too. She sounds like a typical 'wounded' LDS woman that can't take claim for anything and has/had no room to change and grow. She is a bitter person. YIKES!

It's parental alienation at its finest! It's one thing when an ex-spouse alienates a child's affection for the other parent - it's a whole other thing when a religious organization and culture is behind it too!

Some ex-spouses and their new spouses can be very difficult to deal with. In the end, it's the kids that will get hurt. We still have not heard anything from my husband's TBM daughter after what her TBM mother fed her with - lies, manipulation, fear, etc., and we probably won't hear from her for many years to come.

Life's too short, and the kid turns out OK. :)

Do you have to go through her for child support payments too? That must be fun. ;)

Ron

I think issue here is that your ex is being subjected to the demands of a needy and jealous new wife.

Send him an e mail saying you still really fancy him and it was great to see him the other day. She will go stark raving nuts.

this sounds about right. I think the new lady feels inferior or jealous of you in some sense.

My sister is going through the same stuff. She has one son-- she was married to his dad for maybe two years...she was just out of high school. They should have had a MUCH longer courting period. My nephew lives with his dad. The dad is remarried but seemingly still sort of likes my sis. My sister has the utmost respect for her only son's dad. Their son is just so cute, smart, a really cool kid. I think the new wife is a tad jealous of him too. My nephew means everything to his dad too. I think it gets under the new wife of a couple years skin.

To me, that's grounds for a super unhappy marriage.

Oftentimes someone will attempt to use custody matters as a means to control the lives of others. So many people out there really are controlling SOB(s). Thus they use verbal conversations as a means to try to emotionally manipulate and wound the person endlessly. That's why most sane people advise to keep it all in a paper trail so it's easier for custody evaluators and sane people to analyze if there are dysfunctions and it helps prevent abuse/manipulation. I once heard of a shocking situation where a person tried to get their EX on the hook to be under their control in managing their kids' relationship with their EX once the kids were adults by forcing in the divorce settlement something about the EX having to pay for their college and it going through the Almighty "I am more equal than you" Parent. That's a parent-child matter and one that an EX would only interfere in if they are a control freak. What they all should be doing is working hard 40+ hours/week on their careers bringing home dough so they can help put their kids through college. When young adults see their parents working their a**es off (instead of just destroying the relationship of their chilren with their other parent) it earns their kids' respect.

My DH had to pay for his daughter's college education at BYUH (he's never been a Mormon) because of a court order they had in Oregon - it was set out in the decree that he was to pay her the child support directly. The TBM ex-wife then lies about the amount of child support that was due just before the DD graduated high school (to the tune of $20K) and then contacted Child Support Services in WA state to go after my DH. The state came after him and he wouldn't pay the $20K as she was lying AND he was recently unemployed. We then hired 3 attorneys - one in WA, OR and ID. Child Support Services then garnished the $20K out of his IRA account and there was nothing he could do about it. So, he ended up paying his ex-wife a lump sum payment of $20K for four years of college for their DD to attend BYUH (she's getting her degree is MRS.). She announced this summer that she will be done with school in April - that's 2 years at BYU.

I'm exactly the counterpart to your story. I married a decade-younger-wife. And what I find interesting is that my ex prefers to talk to her when scheduling the kids - which pisses me off. These aren't my wife's kids, they are mine and my ex's kids. My wife doesn't mind doing it, but she always thinks it's strange when the ex communicates directly with her.

I refused to deal with her at all. I would not permit her to be mentioned in the visitation agreement as having any rights whatsoever. I would not communicate with her at all. If I had to mail anything to ex, I would pay extra for it to be hand- delivered to HIM only, because she would attempt to intercept it.

Once I had a postal worker call me and tell me she screamed like a banshee with rage and demanded that he hand over whatever it was to HER, rather than to my ex. (It was airline tickets for my son to visit me. I knew that she would shred them.)

She attempted to get between me and my son every time we tried to communicate; this was before cell phones and email. We eventually developed a system whereby I sent letters and parcels to the home of a school buddy of my son's, who would them pass them along to him. So we kept Herself out of the loop.

Since my grown son now lives about 10 minutes away from me, (and has for years) he and I communicate all the time. Tootsie - aka wifey #2 - and I have not exchanged any kind of communication for more than 20 years. Nor, do I expect, will we EVER.