I woke from a dream one morning. All night I had been scrambling to escape mormons chasing me with sledge hammers and cleavers. I finally turned on them in outrage and they shriveled and slunk away. That grand morning I awoke elated and finally realized I didn't have to be one of those pathetic mormon creatures. There was more to me than mormon faith and family. I was a free woman.

Did you have an illuminating moment? Or did to come into your own gradually? Was it a happy realization? An angry one? Scary? Or was it Some other driving emotion or thought that freed you?

I remember when Deenie the Single Adult posted about walking out of church for the last time. She did a happy skipping dance to her car and noticed how the world looked brighter and the sunshine was more vibrant that ever in her life.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/02/2012 10:17AM by Cheryl.

Glad you woke from that nightmare Cheryl and got out.

I was already having questions and doubts but I remember the exact moment and where I was when I knew I was leaving that church.

I was standing in the dining room in our home when we lived in Germany and I knew I needed to leave the church but couldn't make the jump. I was standing there thinking why can't I just leave? Then I started thinking about our daughter and she was already learning Mormonism from ME. She loved questions and answers and I'd ask her questions like "Who was the first Prophet?" - "Joseph Smith" "Who is the Prophet today?" - "President-a-Kimball?" "Who is our Bishop?" -"Bishop-a-B______."

It hit me like a bolt of lightening....and I thought, "Do you really want to teach your daughter Mormon doctrine/beliefs?"

I knew that at the moment I would be leaving the Church.


My posts from yesterday.

I had relief when I KNEW I was leaving

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,405023,405813#msg-405813

And I had fear

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,405023,405822#msg-405822

One of the best gifts I ever gave myself was permission to leave that church.

I remember Deenie the Single Adult's post. May she RIP. I miss her here.

...is of being in my studio apartment, a block from McArthur Park, in Los Angeles, with the large window open, sunlight streaming in. I was 24 years old. So there I was, when it hit me, "Oh wow, I'm an atheist. I have been all my life, but I was caught up in the Mormon church." The realization was followed by the classic burning of the bosom and lifting of the stupor of thought.

I had been inactive for several years because of my life circumstances. I had gone inactive because I didn't want to deal with the authorities again over my marriage situation and I knew if my husband was ex'd or "found out" or left, that my kids would be treated poorly (as I was growing up because my dad wasn't very active mormon). So--then I had life issues to deal with and I always thought I'd go back. I'd go and sit on the couch in the foyer sometimes and listen to SM--trying to find some hope in life.

Then I think it was the year my kids graduated from high school--that summer. My best friend's daughter was getting married and if something went wrong with the wedding plans, she would say, "The church is still true, so what does it matter." I couldn't get that out of my head. And after thinking about it for days, I sat down and wrote something in an old journal (the journal I kept when I was dating the nonmormon at age 20 who I am with now)--and I said, "It mattered to me." And some other things. That was it.

I was in a Sunday school class listening for the umpteenth time the negative emotions you’d feel if you weren’t living in a way to have the holy ghost in your life. At the time I had been going thru a serious depression and recognized all those emotions as symptoms of what I was experiencing. My mind came alive as I realized I wasn’t a weak or unworthy person. I looked around at all the people I didn’t like anyway and thought this is the last time I’m going to let these non inspiring & uninformed people make me feel bad about my life. I got up and walked out and haven’t been back since. That was in 1990.

... my best friend had gone JuHEEsus Freaky on me which wasn't unusual back in the day.

Upon learning he was leaning toward the SBs, I opted to intercede by telling him all about Joseph's Myth and the Book of Morons (every member a missionary don't-cha-know).

My pal was eating it up. Rarely had words flowed so eloquently from my lips. Probably could've baptised my bud that same afternoon. I was definately cooking with gas!

And then, without warning, I suddenly stopped.

When my friend axed what was wrong, I told him to forget everything I had just said. When he axed why, I told him I didn't believe the s**t and never did.

That was sometime around 1972. I was 14 or 15 at the time. Didn't have no Internet or RFM back then. Just had to figure it out on my own. Happy to report that my friend, who sadly died in 2000, backed-off the religious thang as a result of our conversation.

Wasn't until 1998 that, thanks to RFM, I discovered there were others. Not no handful neither.

I feel pretty lucky.

Timothy

I was at BYU. Something about the church just felt dead to me, but I still believed and nothing had triggered any doubts--I was still up to my eyeballs in the "milk".

A friend gave me The Miracle of Forgiveness to read. I read one chapter, and KNEW, that Spencer W. Kimball was ignorant beyond belief or a liar. I knew that book was poison. No way was he a prophet. I trusted my own gut for the first time. I knew instantly that the church was a lie .

That took about twenty minutes and I hit the ground running. Happiest moment of my life.

I was on the summer break, spending a month home after my year at BYU.
Before this, I emjoyeds breaking all honour code rules, but still wasn't sure if I wanted to still be a Mormon or not. Then I found about about Brigham Young's racist rants thanks to the computers at the BYU library and was pissed.

The first Sunday I was back in my home ward was F&T, and I really wanted to know how if I still felt anything was true about TSCC. I walked up to the podium said a little speech, got to the end and realized, "Nope, I don't believe this church is true anymore." and simply ended my untestimony with "In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." without any of the brainwashed repetoire we all know and loathe.

Several months later, when my mom realized I was done with TSCC. she tried to throw the "testimony" back in my face and I retorted, "Did I SAY I knew the church was true and that JS was a prophet! NO!"

I came home from work. I heard the news that 2 million dollars in cash that had been used for the 2002 Olympics bid bribery scandal had been traced back to LDS INC.

Previously, I had watched LDS INC chase after the Olympics like a mining boom town preacher going after a mining boom town whore that he has fallen for. Just a few days earlier
I had watched Gordon B.S. Hinckley say that LDS polygamy was "not doctrinal" on Larry King Live national TV, while he tried to make PR points over how MORmONISM really stands for morality in the wake of Bill Clinton's troubles with MOnica Lewinsky.

I had made the declaration then, that if LDS Inc gives any sacred funds in the form of cash directly to the olympic utah effort then I was quitting.
and it came to pass!


Most amazingly, Most MORmONS currently will attempt to argue with me over these events, and firmly declare that it never happened.

"Most amazingly, Most MORmONS currently will attempt to argue with me over these events, and firmly declare that it never happened."

Ahahahaha! That's the tail of my tale too!

I finally decided, I just up and went to the bishop and told him I needed to be excommunicated for apostasy. No, I didn't believe in Joe, no I didn't support the fogies, no I wouldn't be back.

I asked him to be my "proxy" in the court of love because I was on that council and didn't like most of them anyway. 30 days later, I got my letter.

To this day, my ex, our old friends... virtually everyone but the bishop in question says that's not how it went, regardless of the fact that none of them were there.

Ron

2 instances, and I don't remember which came first...

1. sitting at computer researching first vision accounts, lectures on faith #5, changed BoM scriptures concerning god. The thought came into my mind "Joseph made it all up". Everything fell into place like puzzle pieces. It was like my mind was lit up with insight and understanding. I laughed out loud I was so filled with joy. It felt like a weight was lifted off me, and shackles and chains had been broken from me. I was free.

2. Woke up one morning and every fibre in my body knew that JS and BY were evil, bad, BAD men.

Yup, it all makes sense once you realize it was all made up. Mopologists are there to keep members from coming to that realization. BS is the mortar holding filling the gaps and holding their testimonies together.

One Sunday after church I was in my kitchen talking to my husband who'd been sick so he hadn't attended. I was relaying the events of the day...the lesson and the comments. I actually listened to what I was saying and realized that attending Church was turning me into someone I didn't like...a bitter, negative person. Done.

I was reading about JS and his women on Mormon think. It hit me the way it hits you when you find out the relationship you've been in isn't what you thought it was. In fact its been packed with lies and deception and theft. All the while you were doing your best to make it a wonderful eternal relationship,
You dig a little deeper, and find that they knew all along that they were lying to you. They demanded total honesty from you, and you did your best to give it. You have been giving and giving, and they have been taking and taking. They had you convinced that they were the best thing that ever happened to you. Stunned at first, you keep looking at the evidence. Shock turns to anger, anger turns to sadness,and then acceptance.
Then you realize you're free. Free from the pointless demands on your time and energy. Free to eat, think,do, be, and live the way you have always needed to. It's exhilarating!

The day I knew I was free was when I moved away to college.

I had been back from my mission for about a year and knew it was all BS. As soon as I moved out of my parents house to go to school, I knew I would never set foot in a chapel again.

I was driving up State Street in SLC, screaming at the top of my lungs, realizing that I was gay, that it was not going to change, and that there was no way I was going to fit into the Morg in the 1970s.

That breaks my heart. I'm so happy you had the strength to leave.

My story of leaving was more gradual, but the moment of shock for me was when I was about 10 years old & I realized that there was absolutely not a shred of 'inspiration' or 'discernment' when my father met a GA. My father, as I have said in another post, is a pedophile and had been for 20 years prior to this, that I know of, where he was a priesthood holder, received many callings, including as a second counselor...but somehow, in those 20 years, not one single other priesthood holder had ever 'divined' any of this.
I realized that this thing that mormondom hangs all its rightness on was just a big lie.

After learning that native americans are from china, I was sitting at the computer reading about JS and pondering all of the other inconsistencies and how to make it all fit. Suddenly the beginnings of a thought formed in my mind...I was afraid, this thought was "forbidden" God would know I had thought the thought and would not be pleased, i felt like a traitor for even allowing such a thought to form in my mind...it was a real struggle but the thought formed: "is it possible JS was a fraud?" OH. MY. HELL. WE HAVE BEEN CONNED.

Strange to think about it now--how can a thought be a betrayal? Paraphrasing Hugh B Brown, if something is true it should be able to withstand any inquiry. It should not be forbidden to consider things. Was i (all of us) brainwashed or what?!

After the stun wore off, I did feel super happy about not having to beat myself up for all the bs Joseph's church said I should be doing. Saddness, grief, anxiety, overjoyed--I went through all of those and still do. Sometimes they are all mixed together at once.

Santa isn't real. The church isn't true. Those are facts. Even if it were possible, I wouldn't want to go back to the fairy tale. Superstition has no hold over me. I accept the real world and have faith in myself and my ability to live happily during my time on the planet.

I don't know when my exact moment was. My husband and I started down this path last summer, but attended church until December. I do remember, it must have been sometime in November, that the bishopric read a letter in Sacrament meeting encouraging people to contribute extra funds to help families in the ward to have good Christmases. My husband (amongst the two of us) asked the question: Once they've received sufficient funds for those families' Christmases, what do they do with the rest of the money they receive? Give it back? Roll it over into next year's Poor-Family-Christmas fund? They definitely don't give it back, and the next one is doubtful. Not to mention ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? In light of what we'd been learning about the Church's financial spiderweb and spending, it was infuriating to me that they were asking MORE money from members to go toward that.

I think it was this day that I came home and said "That alone makes me want to stop going."

But it took me a little longer. I'm glad I have a one-year-old who helped me stop going sooner than I otherwise might have. She was just getting more active and mobile, which makes it hard to sit in classes - not to mention church always screwed with nap time - so I'd sit in the car while she slept and I'd read.

It also took me a while because I had the whole thing about "Satan will deceive you," in my head. It took me a long time to trust myself and my feelings, and as everyone else has said - the burden that was lifted and freedom and light I've felt has been AWESOME.

Over the years I've heard bishops say to give money to the church instead of the actual individual. Their reasoning was they knew what peoples needs were better than we did.
Just another way to skim $$$ off of people.
We always gave direct to the family we wanted it to go to. We were reprimanded for doing that. Now I know why. They wanted it for themselves.

It began about 3 years after I was baptized. I moved ahead of my husband to AZ in 2003 and visited Deseret and bought a book on Emma's life to read. In it she said she saw JS through a hole in the barn with Fanny. Later in the book it talked of him marrying numerous wives at God's command. This rattled me. From there I tried to accept it. I wondered why it didn't bug other women and they could still respect JS. Then I felt unloved by HF because he put us women through that. I read more on the subject until I finally asked myself the question. Is this the God you knew and learned of before you became LDS? No. It isn't the one I learned of. He valued me more than that. The church lost its specialness. In general, I fell out of love with its people and no longer found them interesting or admirable for their faith. The subject matter, I had already read all of it. It held nothing for me anymore and I didn't believe in any of it, so I left after the 2009 Smithmas morning sacrament meeting and never went back. I felt like Emma after finding out JS cheated on her. Betrayed and no longer in love.



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 02/02/2012 01:48PM by suckafoo.

I had a few "huh?" moments then the final straw:


I already started having some doubts before this but I remember sitting at General Conf. when GB Hinkley said something about "beware of false prophets" (circa 2003 maybe?, maybe it was 2002?), when the thought came in my head very prominantly "what if you are the false prophets that the bible warns about?"

I also went to Utah for the first time in the summer of 2003 (I spent a week there and went to church as well), I came back telling my BIC roomie "If I lived in Utah I would leave the church". She couldn't understand why I thought that, but after that I realized if I couldn't live in Utah, the hub of mormondom, I didn't think it was for me.

I eventually stopped going a few months later, once I found some excuses to not go to church on Sundays (started dating a nevermo, who is now my hubby - we made plans every Sunday). Then a few months after that I was wondering if I should go back or not and I decided to find out about Mormonism by doing my own research. Eventually found RFM, this was the spring of 2004. The exact moment I decided to leave & resign when I was at work at lunch reading about JS and his polygamy. It hit me like a brick. I felt so sick to my stomach about everything, I had to get up and take a walk. At the same time I felt so happy. I decided to never go back and have my name removed immediately.

I was sitting in my home office after dark and they could see me as they came up the walk. They knocked and knocked louder and then knocked again then opened the storm door to knock on the wooden door. Then they left a few slices of bread wrapped in saran wrap full of loose crumbs and a holiday card on the doorstep before they left, glancing back at the office window a couple times as they retreated. They had left rice krispie treats the 2 years before, which had gone straight to the trash. Who knows what their kitchens looked like? I had been a complete non-believer for a few years, but I was tired of them knocking and mailing their newsletter every month, and decided right then to go ahead and resign.

What I can't remember for the life of me is how I knew I had the option to resign. The last time I was actively attending church in the very early 80's I believe you still had to get yourself excommunicated to get out, and I didn't find this site until I was searching for the address to send the resignation letter to. Oh the mysteries of life. ;-)

That is downright disgusting and rude. Did card say it was to feed the birds?

Good grief, anyone who can't do better than that needs to give it up!

I think mine was more gradual, but there was an incident Oct 2008 at the ward Halloween party when some dude showed up in black face - supposed to be Obama - acting like a total douche bag and everyone loved it.

At that point I was like I can't be associated with these fucking idiots anymore.

My story is sort of ironic.

I had been a complete non-believer for about 3 years. Had told my wife about 5 months before that I no longer believed.

I had continued to attend Sacrament Meeting and Sunday School to make my wife happy.

I had wanted to resign for at least a couple of months but knew my wife wasn't ready for me to do so.

My wife was going to meet with the bishop about problems in our marriage including me viewing porn. I knew the bishop would convene a court over it.

I had previously told my wife I would not attend sacrament meeting anymore if I were not allowed to take the sacrament because I wasn't going to be publicly humiliated for something I didn't even believe was wrong and I felt public humiliation for "sins" in general is evil.

So I was going to be done with attending church.

But then I realized something. If I were no longer a member, I wouldn't be taking the sacrament because I wasn't a member not because I was "sinful". I don't mind not taking the sacrament as a non-member. In fact I enjoy it - I kind of feeling like I'm spitting in everyone's face at their stupid belief or something - passive-aggresive I guess. I suppose this is pretty screwy, but not taking the sacrament because I am being punished is completely different than not taking the sacrament because I choose not to be a member of the church.

So I told my wife that if she were ready for me to resign that I would be willing to continue attending sacrament meeting with her (at least most of the time - I skip out occassionally.) She was ready.

So in the end I resigned from the Mormon church so that I could keep going to sacrament meeting with my TMB wife!

How's that for ironic?!?!

I was reading an E-mail from my bishop telling me he had been looking into my concerns, but just had no answers for me. He offered to try to set up an appointment with a GA. I went to places like this and read what Kool-aid answers GA's give (the higher the calling, the more vague the answers).

It thought to myself, "That's it. I am out of here!"

Anybody who has seen Monty Python's Holy Grail will know what I am talking about when I say that the nice little bunny rabbit had just become the most "foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent I ever laid [my] eyes on". Run away! Run Away!

Oh lord bless this thy holy hand grenade that with thou might blow thy enemies into tiny bits...and the lord did grin and the people feasted on the lambs, sloths, orangutans and breakfast cereals...

Coming up on 4 Mothers Days ago... it was beautiful outside and the last thing I wanted to do was sit in a building for 3 hours on MY day. So we packed a picnic lunch and headed to the park. Haven't been back (but for two baby blessings) since. I hadn't believed in it for a couple months, and that day seemed just right to be done.

What you didn't want to spend 3 hours of mother day hearing talks and lessons about why you weren't a good enough mother?

Why in the world not? ;)

Nah, I'll skip it. :)

Also, I did not agree with how morgbots followed authority without question, instead of listening to their conscience, and standing for what was right. This was immoral, and unacceptable to me, but it is how they operate. Reexamining prayer, along with other evidence, led me to see there was no divine being.

There were many things, and my attendance became even more sporadic than usual, as I asked members my questions, and thought more about it. I had many wtf moments as I realized how many members were unable to stand by a moral judgment, but were experts in making excuses for immoral authority. They are programmed to defer; men have even more privilege in LD$ society than they do in the rest of the U.S. Also, thanks to an emotionally abusive bishop, SP, and others, attendance was traumatic.

I remember in May, and June I was withdrawing, trying to figure out how to leave; I really no longer believed, but attended a few times on autopilot. I think my mind was processing it, and finally overcoming the programming. The last Sunday I went was in July; I was clearly at a breaking point. I knew I no longer believed in gawd, and that TSCC was corrupt. I could never support or be associated with an institution that operated the way they did. I knew the day I walked out of the building that I would NEVER be back, not only as LD$, but I knew I was an atheist.

It still took me years to completely rid myself of the programming, and the mindset, and I had to wear garments longer than I wanted, because of allergies. Finally, I am sorting through the last remainders in my life as I do my housecleaning (just last week I recycled some old f.a.r.m.s. catalogs, and shredded some talks). I am still traumatized when I go out, but I can rid myself of TSCC in my home.

My life was so chaotic I did not have my name removed for a few years, and when I did I had to request again, and again. At the time this was difficult, because I needed TSCC's assistance. I never have enough income, even with my tithing back, but it is not in my nature, and I am not able to fake belief to get help. Also, they are extremely destructive to people they consider lower in the hierarchy. People like me are there for them to take advantage of, and abuse. Rarely are there any genuine, kind people. I know a few, very few.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/02/2012 04:45PM by atheist&happy:-).

I know we read about the anger people suffer and rightfully so.

But I think there are also many of us who went through some of those early stages before we left. I'm reading here that many shared my elation at leaving.

I was so stupid that I didn't know I *could* leave for a long time. I thought being mormon was like being chinese or native american not just an organization.