The following "CLARIFICATION" (original emphasis) was recently posted on the World Wide Web in the name of the Utah Mormon Church, assuring people and health departments everywhere that the actual mechanics of the secret Mormon temple ritual of necro-dunking all the planet's dead people so that they can become Mormon gods and goddesses with their own planets doesn't involve the literal watery submersion of rotting bodies:

"The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints explains the practice of proxy baptisms as follows:

"' . . . People have occasionally wondered if the mortal remains of the deceased are somehow disturbed in this process; they are not. The person acting as a proxy uses only the name of the deceased.'"

(Andrea Stone, "Mormon Church's Prior Baptism of Dead Jews Could Raise Concerns," on "Huffington Post," updated 26 January 2012. at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/25/mormon-church-mitt-romney_n_1229322.html)
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Whew! For a minute, I thought that Mormons were crazy!



Edited 8 time(s). Last edit at 01/27/2012 12:40AM by steve benson.

We necro-baptizers are not a weird people. You see, it's necessary for most of you to be dead before you're able to accept our religion. Statistically, it's easier to convince a deceased person of the truthish nature of Mormon doctrine. Those who are yet living tend to giggle at such concepts as demon-resistant underwear and god embryos. We prefer to work with the unliving, as they rarely object to our conceits. Keep in mind that we don't literally dunk dead bodies, as that would be ridiculous. Instead, we take your kid and dunk him in the name of, say, Benito Mussolini. See how rational we are?

"We're not grave robbers !!!! We're not ! We're not ! We're not !"

I thought it was obvious that they weren't baptizing corpses when the church was caught baptizing Jewish Holocaust victims.

Isn't this a scam to keep COJCOLDS' conversion numbers up, or do these "conversion" numbers go on another list?

Good catch, Steve. That's hilarious!

Steve, from what I have been learning about the church from you lately, I was half expecting the word "anymore" to pop up. It really wouldn't have surprised me at this point.

We don't actually baptize dead bodies you understand. We baptize live human beings who are pretending to be the spirits that have left these dead bodies and ascended from the physical realm. Please try to understand this point because it's really important to us that you see how normal Mormons are.

Hey, wait a minute!

Aren't dead people waiting around in the spirit without their celestial bodies because they HAVEN't been baptized?

Why doesn't God just let them have their bodies and let them choose in the next "sphere"....like Jesus' plan.

Instead, we force it on them just because they are dead? And we marry people to their secretaries...

Ah HAH! Didn't the Mormons marry Dwight Eisenhower to Mamie AND his secretary, Katherine????????


Anagrammy

If God did that, how would Mormonism Inc. earn money? Because people paying for the opportunity for force Mormonism down the spirit throats of dead people is the main source of income for that ummm... church.

...that keeps believing members going to the temple on an ongoing basis and therefore, keeps them PAYING TITHING TO THE LDS CORPORATION on an ongoing basis.

If you understood Eisonhower, then you would know that he would have preferred the secretary. By all evidence, having a 20 something year old to be his secretary in WWII, who thought he walked on water and who really loved men old enough to be her grandfather, was the happiest day of both Ike's and Katherine's lives.

Because it would be just so unsanitary to be digging up dead bodies. Besides, what would they do with the cremated people?

When you consider all the money that could be made looting corpses, I am really surprised they don't.

by "Huffington Post" poster "LiberalMormon":

"Your use of the phrase 'necro-dun­king dead non-mormon­s' is (probably intentiona­lly) misleading and sensationa­l. As I am pretty sure you know, LDS baptisms for the dead are done by living people as proxies for individual­s who have died. 'Necro-bap­tizing' might conjure up a good cartoon, but it is not reflective of what actually happens in LDS temples."
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My response:

What is "sensation­al" (not to mention grossly insensitiv­e) is the Mormon church's secret practice in bizarre temple rituals that turns Holocaust-­slaughtere­d Jews into Mormons by bringing them to the LDS Jesus through proxy dead-dunki­ng [not to mention doing it without the knowledge or consent of the family of the victims).

As to your complaint of mispresent­ation of what LDS necro-dunk­ing really is, one ex-Mormon has astutely observed:

"[quoting CA girl from RfM]: We don't actually baptize dead bodies, you understand­. We baptize live human beings who are pretending to be the spirits that have left these dead bodies and ascended from the physical realm. Please try to understand this point because it's really important to us that you see how normal Mormons are."


(For the thread in which the above answer appears--pending moderator approval of it--see: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/25/mormon-church-mitt-romney_n_1229322.html)
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As to defending the term "necro-dunking" itself, it's an easy proposition and here's why:

I've seen the Mormon "baptism for the dead" ritual procedure first-hand, having at one time been a temple worker in the Provo temple assigned to the dunk tank, where I was tasked with making sure each person being dunked went completely under the water.

If asked by the media to describe what goes on behind Mormon temple walls when it comes to so-called "baptisms for the dead," I would not hesitate to employ the "dunk" term--and here's why (which I would explain to the interviewer):

--The dunking involves dully and rotely reading from a scrolling list of names on a proxy poolside screen.

--Young stand-ins (often provided from the ranks Mormon teenage youth groups) are herded into the ox tub.

--Several dead people are vicariously dunked in rapid, monotonous succession via each warm-bodied vicarious volunteer--the latter who is repeatedly and mechanically put under by the priesthood baptizer reading off the screen.

--The soaked stand-in is then herded out of the tank, given a towel as they drippingly emerge and pointed toward the changing room.

--Then comes the next compliant stand-in.

--Over and over and over. The process has all the charm and spirituality of taking a number at a barbershop. It is a virtual cattle call, conveyor belt, numb-minded operation that literally put me to sleep just watching it from my vantage point alongside the tub.

"Dunk" is, therefore, a very appropriate term.

Attempts by some to liken the term "dunking" to the "F-word" is a silly exercise in non-comparability--a water-logged effort to protect feelings at the expense of facts that doesn't hold H2O and which sinks like a rock.

So, I say dump the facade and cut to the facts.

Indeed, when talking to the media about "vicarious" Mormon baptisms for the dead, the term "dunk" fits right in as an apt descriptor not only for the reasons I cited but because of the fact that working in the media, I know how reporters appreciate access to telling, accurate details--particularly when practitioners of the secret arts want to keep the details to a minimum.

Now, if offended Mormons have a problem with the "dunk" term being applied to their temple baptism dopey hokey-pokey, tough. Cry me a filled font. They are not in the least bit concerned with how offensive this cult practice is to the memory of the devout dead who died for and/or in their religion of choice, not to mention how insensitive the ritual is in trampling on the feelings of the dead's family.

If non-Mormons are troubled by such explicit descriptions of what really goes on in the Mormon temple dunk tank, then they need to remember, as Benjamin Franklin observed, that the sting of the reproach is the truth of it.

Mormonism's post-mortem watering of the dead is a dull, dumb, desensitized dunking exercise--and that's what, if asked, I would publicly call it.

--As to using the the term "necro," well, as the Mormon Church would say, "Death--Isn't It About Time?"

I say give the masses and the media the facts and let the inconvenient cult chips fall where they may. Telling the truth about this "sacred" Mormon practice is, in my opinion, a definite slam dunk.



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 01/28/2012 12:30PM by steve benson.

reminds me of a dream i had when I was little and had just heard about bftd.

I dreamt I was in a horrible accident before I was able to get baptised and in a full body cast and I died in the dream. Then I dreamt that they were dunking me in a swimming pool full body cast and all.

I was like 5 at the time

TRAMATIZING

I still remember it....

Have you noticed that the church at all other points says to avoid letting anything else spirit like near you? Yet your supposed to be getting baptised for someone and with full emmersion your going to bet they will need it as much as you so your going to be invitieng a foreghn spririt to ride around in your body for a wile.

The deceased are basking in the light and love of the hereafter and this sick cult is fleecing believers for 10% to "save" their deceased. You just can't make this stuff up... oh, yeah, somebody did.