Once two Utah mountain lions met after not seeing each other for many years, one was fat and the other famished.
The fat one asked, "Hey Pete, you don't look so good, are you getting enough to eat?"
The other replied, "I don't understand it Joe, I catch plenty of Mormons, but I just can't seem to gain any weight."
"Well, let me watch you in action, maybe you're not doing it right."
So they went to Pete's favorite spot where he awaited an approaching Mormon. As he came near, Pete sprang at him from a big boulder with a horrifying roar and quickly devoured him.
Then Joe said to him, "I see your problem, Pete, you're scarring them too much. When you scare the crap out of a Mormon, there's not much left!"
near the state border. Riding along a fence line they came upon a sheep with its head caught in the fence. The Utah Mormon asked the Wyoming Mormon whose turn it was to free the trapped sheep. To the surprise of the Utah Mormon the Wyoming Mormon jumped down of his horse and dropped his pants and started to "service" the helpless trapped sheep. Being completely caught off guard and disgusted by the his actions the Utah Mormon jumped down off his horse and promptly stuck his head through the fence.
Joke #1: How can you tell if you're at a Mormon wedding? The mother of the bride is pregnant! Joke #2: Did you hear about the BYU coed who went home early cause she was pregnant? The mother says "Well, you're certainly going to marry this young man aren't you?" The coed says "I can't marry him, he smokes!"
1) You drive to Idaho (or Arizona) to pick up a gallon of milk so you can play the lottery. 2) You learn about the Mormon Church by taking history in elementary school. 3) You have more children than you can find biblical names for. 4) You think living dangerously is attending a different Sacrament Meeting. 5) Every time a new family moves into your neighborhood, the local elementary school has to hire a new teacher. 6) Your idea of a wild party is a six pack of Pepsi and a PG-13 movie. 7) You make a toast with red punch at your wedding reception. 8) You think Jack Daniels is a country western singer. 9) Your family considers a trip to McDonald's a night out. 10) You were an aunt or uncle before you were three. 11) Your spouse's mother was pregnant at your wedding. 12) You believe that you must be 18 or older to order coffee at a restaurant. 13) You say "provo", "salt lake", or "palmyra" without the state and automatically assume that the whole world knows where those places are. 14) Your 14th and 16th birthdays are the best birthdays of your life. 15) You "Bless this food to nourish and strengthen" your body before eating doughnuts. 16) There are more women pregnant in your ward/congregation than not. 17) You think it's all right to watch football on Sundays as long as a direct descendant of Brigham Young is playing (OK this for baby boomers). 18) You have more than one religious picture/statue in your home including in your bathroom and the rooms of you and your siblings. 19) You have never had your own room and will never have your own room because you go from home to college and college to marriage. 20) Your family spends more than 500 dollars on groceries each month at Costco.
Jews don't acknowledge Jesus. Protestants don't acknowledge the Pope. Mormons don't acknowledge each other in the liquor store or strip club or Wendover or Las Vegas or .....
Q: Why should you always take TWO Mormons with you when you go fishing?
A: Because if you only take ONE Mormon with you, he'll drink all your beer.
BYU Joke: Q: How do you get a BYU graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza!
Q: How can you tell when the "Prophet" is speaking as a man?
So it was the 23rd of July, 1847, and the Mormon leader was sick with mountain fever in his wagon, but determined nevertheless. He summoned two scouts, Orson Pratt and Erastus Snow, and bade them head into the valley and bring back a report...
They returned near sunset...
"Oh Brother Brigham, it's a wonderful place. There's a large, fertile valley drained by a number of streams, and a big lake to the west that's full of fish. We'll be able to plant our crops and spend the rest of our time fishing and making love!"
"Salt the lake!" came the booming voice from the wagon...
when the news cameras were rolling, the Rabbi put a silver menorah into the casket, next to the body. The Priest placed a golden rosary on the dead man's hands. Not to be outdone, the Mormon Bishop wrote a generous check and put it in the dead man's pocket.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/22/2010 07:09AM by forestpal.
Thomas $ Monson dies and goes to the pearly gates, where St Peter is standing watch. T$M starts to walk right on through without acknowledging St Peter. St Peter says "Hold on there, who are you?" "Why, I am Thomas S Monson, the prophet of the Lord's only true church!" Monson replies. Peter breaks out his book and starts flipping the pages looking for his name. "churches.... churches...Monson....Nope, I don't see your name. What church was that again?" Monson says, "The church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! Now, let me in." St. Peter says, "Hold on a second, be patient..." He starts flipping thru the pages of his book again. "Monson.....Monson.... Religions...Religions.......Oh, there you are! You're under Real Estate!"
Young man goes skinny dipping in Bear Lake. He ends up swimming all the way across the lake. Exhausted, he falls asleep in the tall grass at the shoreline.
To his horror, he awakens in the middle of a relief society picnic. He grabs and empty paper bag, puts it over his head and dashes to the lake. He jumps in and swims away.
Sister #1: I didn't get a real good look at him, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't my husband.
Sister #2: Same here.
RS President: Well I got a real good look at him and I'm pretty sure he isn't even a member of our ward!
A BYU co-ed was just told by her doctor that she was pregnant. Ask if she knew who the father was,,she replied,Well I had a couple of boyfriends,,but are you sure it is really mine?
Brigham Young is riding in his carriage and sees a strong, tall young man working by the side of the road. He directs his driver to stop and asks the boy "You're a strong handsome young man. Who's your father?"
"Mister, the prophet Brigham Young is my father" he replied.
Brigham Young is riding in his carriage and sees a beautiful teenage girl walking by the side of the road. He directs his driver to stop and tells the girl "you are beautiful and I can tell you have a rightous spirit. I feel inspired that you should become one of my wifes".
The girl replies "Oh daddy, you are such a jokester".
Bishop Smith loves to golf, but with his bishop calling he hardly ever has the time. One Sunday, after not having played for months, he decides to play sick, and sends his wife and 8 kids off to church without him. Then he heads straight for the golf course.
Up in the celestial kingdom, Heavenly Father looks down, and scowls at Bishop Smith skipping his duties to play golf. So he calls Jesus over, and tells him to go punish Bishop Smith for his selfish act.
Bishop Smith steps up on the first tee, a 425 yard par 4. He hammers the best drive he's ever hit -- the ball sails down the fairway, takes two hops onto the green, and rolls right into the cup for a double-eagle hole in one. Bishop Smith is jumping and yelling with joy.
Heavenly Father, seeing this, calls Jesus back over. "I thought I told you to punish Bishop Smith?" he says.
One Sunday morning, with a guest preacher in the pulpit, Pastor Jake decided to check up on children's church. He eavesdropped on a few classes, then pulled up a chair to some fourth-graders and listened in. He decided to test their Bible knowledge.
He asked a girl, "Who led the Children of Israel out of Egypt?" "Moses!" she answered.
He asked another child, "Who walked on the waters?" "Jesus!"
Then he asked a boy, "How did the wall of Jericho fall down?" "I don't know," he replied. "But I sure didn't do it!"
He turned to the teacher and asked, "What kind of answer is that?" He answered, "He's a very well behaved boy. His family is quite responsible. If he says he didn't do it, I believe him. I don't think he did it."
Quite flummoxed, Pastor Jake returned to the sanctuary. Next Thursday night, at a deacon's meeting, he related what had happened. "This does not reflect well on our children's program at all. I need to work on Sunday's sermon. I want you to discuss this, and I'll join you in an hour or so."
When he returned, the head deacon addressed him. "Pastor Jake, we've discussed this at considerable length. We don't want to embarrass the family or alienate the kid. In order to handle this discretely, we decided to set up a designated fund, raise the money, have the wall repaired, and then forget about the whole thing."
Young Johnny lived with his divorced mother in a small two bedroom apartment. His mother was inactive, so Johnny had only attended church a few times.
Johnny's primary teacher, Sister Smith, decided to make Johnny her pet project by picking him up for church on Sunday. After making the arrangements, Sister Smith picked up Johnny the following Sunday morning.
After a long and tedious sacrament meeting, it was finally time for Primary. After a lot of pondering and prayer, Sister Smith decided that she would teach her Primary class about prayer that day in effort to reach Johnny.
She began her lesson by asking each child in the class whether or not they prayed in their family. Of course, each child answered "yes". Then Sister Smith asked Johnny the same question. Johnny looked confused and asked Sister Smith what prayer was. Sister Smith explained that prayer was when people talk to God.
Suddenly, a big smile lightened Johnny's face as he answered that he heard his mother praying almost every night went after he went to bed. Sister Smith then asked Johnny what does your mother say.
Johnny then loudly responded that his mother screams and moans "Oh my God, I am coming!"
Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 10/06/2015 02:41PM by merryprankster.
Gordon B. Hinkley dies & finds himself at the Pearly Gates. He meets St. Peter & asks if Joseph Smith is here. St. Pete says "Yes- he's up those stairs" GBH climbs a flight of stairs & opens a door, sees a guy & asks "Are you Joseph Smith?" The guy replies, "No- I'm Moses- Joseph is up stairs" Wow-thinks GBH, Joseph is more important than Moses, as he climbs another flight of stairs. Opens a door, sees another guy & asks "Are you Joseph?", No- the guy says, "I'm Jesus- Joseph's upstairs". Now GBH is blown away. He walks up another flight of stairs, opens the door & sees a man & asks "Are you Joseph Smith?" No, comes the reply- "I'm God- please come in". GBH is beside himself with excitement as he marvels that Joseph & God must hang out together. God asks- "would you like a beer"? Hinkley thinks, well I've always wondered what a beer tastes like & I've made it to heaven. Plus I'm really thirsty from climbing all these stairs, so he tells God, "Why yes- I'd love a beer". God claps his hands and a servant appears. God says "Joseph- bring us two beers".
A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is showing him around. They come to a long hallway filled with doors; the man opens one and sees a huge dance party. "Who are they?" he asks St. Peter. St. Peter replies, "Those are the Pentecostals."
They come to another door, and the man opens it. This time, he sees thousands of people with cocktails, drinking and talking and laughing in front of an endless bar. "Who are they?" he asks. St. Peter says, "Oh, these are the Episcopalians."
The man opens yet another door and sees endless rows of pews in an infinite, white room, with people here and there sitting quietly, doing nothing. "OK, who are they?" he asks St. Peter. "Ssh!" St. Peter scolds him, "These are the Mormons; they think they're the only ones here."
An Israeli bus driver and a pious rabbi die on the same day. They are brought before the heavenly tribunal, and the bus driver is immediately admitted to heaven. The rabbi is told to wait; his case must be examined more carefully.
The rabbi is outraged: "I know for a fact that that bus driver was a totally irreligious Jew, while I gave a Shiur in Talmud every day."
"That is all very true," the heavenly angel tells him. "But when you taught Talmud you caused many people to sleep. When that driver drove his bus, everybody prayed.
South Park has a running gag about the fresh arrivals at the pearly gates being told by mishie angels that they have chosen the wrong religion......the correct choice was Mormonism.
Where would Mormonism be today without Parker and Stone?