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Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum. 
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Posted by: Phillip ( )
Date: November 21, 2010 02:01PM

This board is looking awfully serious right now. I'd love to hear some good mormon jokes!

How do you keep a mormon from drinking all your beer?
Invite another mormon to the party.

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Posted by: Crathes ( )
Date: November 21, 2010 02:04PM

Ok, I want to play. How many boring high counsil speaker jokes are there in existence? NONE! They are all true!

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Posted by: dino not logged in ( )
Date: November 21, 2010 02:15PM

Once two Utah mountain lions met after not seeing each other for many years, one was fat and the other famished.

The fat one asked, "Hey Pete, you don't look so good, are you getting enough to eat?"

The other replied, "I don't understand it Joe, I catch plenty of Mormons, but I just can't seem to gain any weight."

"Well, let me watch you in action, maybe you're not doing it right."

So they went to Pete's favorite spot where he awaited an approaching Mormon. As he came near, Pete sprang at him from a big boulder with a horrifying roar and quickly devoured him.

Then Joe said to him, "I see your problem, Pete, you're scarring them too much. When you scare the crap out of a Mormon, there's not much left!"

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Posted by: Anonymous User ( )
Date: November 21, 2010 02:18PM

somebody else posted a few days ago; funny:

Christian: One God
Mormon: One God per planet
Hindu: One God per village

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Posted by: better anon this one ( )
Date: November 21, 2010 03:04PM

near the state border. Riding along a fence line they came upon a sheep with its head caught in the fence.
The Utah Mormon asked the Wyoming Mormon whose turn it was to free the trapped sheep. To the surprise of the Utah Mormon the Wyoming Mormon jumped down of his horse and dropped his pants and started to "service" the helpless trapped sheep. Being completely caught off guard and disgusted by the his actions the Utah Mormon jumped down off his horse and promptly stuck his head through the fence.

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Posted by: Anonymous User ( )
Date: November 21, 2010 05:11PM

Joke #1: How can you tell if you're at a Mormon wedding? The mother of the bride is pregnant!
Joke #2: Did you hear about the BYU coed who went home early cause she was pregnant? The mother says "Well, you're certainly going to marry this young man aren't you?" The coed says "I can't marry him, he smokes!"

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Posted by: jw the inquizzinator ( )
Date: November 22, 2010 09:45PM


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Posted by: jw the inquizzinator ( )
Date: November 22, 2010 10:16PM

Shamelessly put together from other lists I like.

1) You drive to Idaho (or Arizona) to pick up a gallon of milk so you can play the lottery.
2) You learn about the Mormon Church by taking history in elementary school.
3) You have more children than you can find biblical names for.
4) You think living dangerously is attending a different Sacrament Meeting.
5) Every time a new family moves into your neighborhood, the local elementary school has to hire a new teacher.
6) Your idea of a wild party is a six pack of Pepsi and a PG-13 movie.
7) You make a toast with red punch at your wedding reception.
8) You think Jack Daniels is a country western singer.
9) Your family considers a trip to McDonald's a night out.
10) You were an aunt or uncle before you were three.
11) Your spouse's mother was pregnant at your wedding.
12) You believe that you must be 18 or older to order coffee at a restaurant.
13) You say "provo", "salt lake", or "palmyra" without the state and automatically assume that the whole world knows where those places are.
14) Your 14th and 16th birthdays are the best birthdays of your life.
15) You "Bless this food to nourish and strengthen" your body before eating doughnuts.
16) There are more women pregnant in your ward/congregation than not.
17) You think it's all right to watch football on Sundays as long as a direct descendant of Brigham Young is playing (OK this for baby boomers).
18) You have more than one religious picture/statue in your home including in your bathroom and the rooms of you and your siblings.
19) You have never had your own room and will never have your own room because you go from home to college and college to marriage.
20) Your family spends more than 500 dollars on groceries each month at Costco.

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Posted by: Phillip ( )
Date: November 21, 2010 06:59PM

Prophets,Presidency,Patriarchs,Prieshood,Payees,Prozac

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Posted by: Mnemonic ( )
Date: November 21, 2010 07:24PM

Jews don't acknowledge Jesus.
Protestants don't acknowledge the Pope.
Mormons don't acknowledge each other in the liquor store or strip club or Wendover or Las Vegas or .....



Q: Why should you always take TWO Mormons with you when you go fishing?

A: Because if you only take ONE Mormon with you, he'll drink all your beer.



BYU Joke:
Q: How do you get a BYU graduate off your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza!



Q: How can you tell when the "Prophet" is speaking as a man?

A: His lips are moving!

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Posted by: SL Cabbie ( )
Date: November 22, 2010 01:57AM

So it was the 23rd of July, 1847, and the Mormon leader was sick with mountain fever in his wagon, but determined nevertheless. He summoned two scouts, Orson Pratt and Erastus Snow, and bade them head into the valley and bring back a report...

They returned near sunset...

"Oh Brother Brigham, it's a wonderful place. There's a large, fertile valley drained by a number of streams, and a big lake to the west that's full of fish. We'll be able to plant our crops and spend the rest of our time fishing and making love!"

"Salt the lake!" came the booming voice from the wagon...

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Posted by: rallychild ( )
Date: November 22, 2010 03:51AM

What happens when you bring alcohol to a BYU party? All the girls pull their panties up and leave...

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Posted by: forestpal ( )
Date: November 22, 2010 06:41AM

when the news cameras were rolling, the Rabbi put a silver menorah into the casket, next to the body. The Priest placed a golden rosary on the dead man's hands. Not to be outdone, the Mormon Bishop wrote a generous check and put it in the dead man's pocket.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/22/2010 07:09AM by forestpal.

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Posted by: Misfit ( )
Date: November 22, 2010 10:58AM

Thomas $ Monson dies and goes to the pearly gates, where St Peter is standing watch. T$M starts to walk right on through without acknowledging St Peter. St Peter says "Hold on there, who are you?"
"Why, I am Thomas S Monson, the prophet of the Lord's only true church!" Monson replies.
Peter breaks out his book and starts flipping the pages looking for his name. "churches.... churches...Monson....Nope, I don't see your name. What church was that again?"
Monson says, "The church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! Now, let me in."
St. Peter says, "Hold on a second, be patient..." He starts flipping thru the pages of his book again. "Monson.....Monson.... Religions...Religions.......Oh, there you are! You're under Real Estate!"

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Posted by: ennen ( )
Date: November 22, 2010 11:09AM

What's the difference between mormons and other christians?

The temperature of their caffeine.

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Posted by: delightsome ( )
Date: November 22, 2010 01:43PM

Young man goes skinny dipping in Bear Lake. He ends up swimming all the way across the lake. Exhausted, he falls asleep in the tall grass at the shoreline.

To his horror, he awakens in the middle of a relief society picnic. He grabs and empty paper bag, puts it over his head and dashes to the lake. He jumps in and swims away.

Sister #1: I didn't get a real good look at him, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't my husband.

Sister #2: Same here.

RS President: Well I got a real good look at him and I'm pretty sure he isn't even a member of our ward!

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Posted by: unworthy ( )
Date: November 22, 2010 04:45PM

A BYU co-ed was just told by her doctor that she was pregnant. Ask if she knew who the father was,,she replied,Well I had a couple of boyfriends,,but are you sure it is really mine?

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Posted by: pkdfan2 ( )
Date: November 22, 2010 06:10PM

Contemporaneous w/ B.Young:

Brigham Young is riding in his carriage and sees a strong, tall young man working by the side of the road. He directs his driver to stop and asks the boy "You're a strong handsome young man. Who's your father?"

"Mister, the prophet Brigham Young is my father" he replied.

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Posted by: Anonymous User ( )
Date: November 22, 2010 08:26PM

Q. Why does a mormon congregation change bishops regularly?

A. So all the kids in the neighborhood don't look alike.

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Posted by: Mnemonic ( )
Date: November 23, 2010 01:14AM

Q: What's the difference between church and state?

A: In Utah, about 2 blocks.

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Posted by: battlebruise ( )
Date: November 23, 2010 01:28AM

What do you get when you cross a Mormon with an octopus?

I don't know but it sure can pack tuna.

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