My mom is pretty extreme in her methods of justifying coffee use as medicinal. I just sent this text message to her. She's coming up today for Thanksgiving: "If you want to make a big ASS pitcher of coffee, please bring your own ground coffee. I'll get my old coffeemaker out of my garage.".

I don't drink coffee regularly. When I do, I make delicious instant(I know, I didn't use to think those 2 words could be in the same sentence, but it really is). My mother makes a whole pot of coffee for herself. Yes, my Mormon mother is a coffee connoisseur. Her delivery method leaves a lot to be desired though. She does coffee enemas. Daily coffee enemas.

Years ago, my mother used to see a LDS homeopathist in Las Vegas. She took us to him too. I found out a few years ago that he'd lost his medical license in Oregon because he treated a little girl with cancer with homeopathy & naturopathic remedies instead of having her go to a real dr. The parents sued & he lost his license. So he moved his family to Las Vegas & opened a clinic there. The things he did were bizarre to say the least. He diagnosed my 5 siblings & I with a ton of allergies & put us on this horribly restrictive diet. Thankfully it only lasted a few years.

Apparently, weekly coffee enemas were a standard treatment he prescribed. My parents began doing them & were amazed how great & energized they felt. Yeah, they got a huge rush of caffeine. Before long they were doing them daily, sometimes more often. My folks divorced &. My dad stopped the enemas, but to this day, my mom does them daily. She reconciles this with it being "medicinal." my mom does not have, nor has ever had bowel or colon problems. She just needs her coffee pick-me-ups.

We were mostly teens when they divorced & we just LOVED making obscure jokes about coffee, etc in the presence of the guys my mom dated. My 2 older brothers drank coffee, so the references were easy to come by. It was great seeing my mom turn beet red & seeing the befuddled look on her boyfriends' faces. Lol. To this day, at family gatherings, we still make offhand jokes about mom's coffee use. We did this at family gatherings among her parents & siblings too, who are all TBM to the extreme. My oldest brother even gave her a Kona blend for Christmas in front of all her family once. He'd brought it back from Hawaii after returning home from being stationed there. Lol.

After I left home, my 2 brothers still at home decided to show my deluded mom, who denied that she was addicted to coffee, just how addicted she really was. They bought a can of decaf & dumped it in one of her used cans & replaced her coffee with it. I got lots of phone call updates from my brothers & sisters. Mom was having headaches, feeling exhausted, dragging, etc. my brothers finally told her after a few days. She actually laughs about it today, but she's no longer in denial about what the coffee does to her. She honestly thought it merely cleaned out her bowels.

That truly is amazing, I don't know what to say!

I'm with freeman - kind of speechless (which is unusual for me). :)

Ha-ha-ha-ha! I loved the way you got her to realize she was addicted. What a hilarious visual--two boys switching the coffee in the can, in your mother's bathroom, next to the enema equipment. LOL!

Well, it's less invasive than injecting something into your veins, but much more trouble than snorting something.

My TBM bishop uncle used to take 2 No-Doz every few hours, yet he would not give people a temple recommend if they drank coffee. Our relief society president lived on Excedrin all day long. She was young, and didn't exercise, so she didn't suffer from any pain--but when a few hours went by without her fix, she would get a headache.

Thank you, Eloher. Happy Thanksgiving!

Best pun ever!

is that a "big-ass pitcher of coffee" or a "big ass-pitcher of coffee"

without stories about your mom and her coffee enemas. *HA*

Thanks for the funny story. :-D

There was a CSI episode about a woman that soaked her tampons in vodka. At least she did not drink.

I would ask some of the members and evangelists of the AA faith if they feel this womans coffee 'addiction' is an incurable, progressive, and terminal 'disease' as they claim the behavior of alcoholism is.

Thanks for sharing it again. :D

Something I want to add, is you won't believe some of the wierd shit people do for health reasons. This isn't even particularly shocking, but it is HILARIOUS!

DH and I were just talking about a friend of his who did this and he made the tired old joke about the best part of waking up is Folger's up your butt.

Honestly, though, most of the people in leadership positions in my ward drink those little energy drinks (the ones in the shot sized servings that are supposed to last hours). Both the current and former bishop and various others all have not problem drinking them "when necessary". But here is what I want to know:

If I have an affair, that's adultery. If I think about having sex with another guy, I've committed adultery in my heart.

If I drink coffee, that's a violation of the Word of Wisdom. If I drink something with the same amount of caffeine (or more) but fewer health benefits, that's OK. That's not breaking the spirit of the law - that's not breaking the WoW in my heart. That's complying with the letter of the law.

Really?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/23/2011 08:09PM by CA girl.

I remember a neighbor of mine in rural Utah telling me that she needed the coffee enemas to get rid of her "worms." She was convinced that she could see them in the bowl when she evacuated the coffee.

She also claimed the enemas had restored her health and energy.

At the time I was puzzled as to how she could believe that she and she alone suffered from chronic worm infestation when the rest of us are fine. She answered by saying, "Everyone has them, actually, and doesn't realize how much better they would feel if they got rid of them."

Leave it to some grifter to figger out that he could sell the benefits of caffeine as the result of his homeopathic "health plan." I guess I shouldn't be surprised since Mormons who know about the hat and the rock translation and the Book of Abraham being a fraud still continue to "have faith."

Anagrammy

I don't think your mom is whack. I would also wager that she's probably not all that Mormon underneath the hood. Rather than bust her chops you ought to buy her coffee for life.

My favorite.

can 1 individual do an enema alone?


Please... don't make me sorry I asked!

yes; most of us here Know that ChurchCo specialises in the Outward Appearances. CC has put Millions back to the days/times/mentality of 'the carnal commandments'.

Life is so good that one must drink coffee, made strong and tasty. God hath told me that Indonesian and East African coffees are the ones that are good for man and will make him walk and not be weary, run and not faint.

I can't think of anything more frustrating than to smell delicious coffee brewing and knowing you aren't going to drink it but ....

I kinda wanna try it.

I had never even heard of coffee enemas before reading about them on RfM!

My mind is still boggled!

I guess they worked reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally well for him.

The absorption rate for caffeine is extremely HIGH when coffee is used as an enema. DON'T OVERDOSE!

If ya wanna clean yer bowels, eat some salad and fruit (papayas, pineapples are especially good for this). Cleans out everything. This ain't rocket science folks.

...and a poster wrote:

"The best part of waking up, is folgers in your butt."

And BTW, she's probably very addicted to caffeine.

I do enjoy potty humor.