Apparently I have VERY tight boundaries. I knew I was more strict than most people but sometimes I wonder if I go overboard. Is this a function of my LDS upbringing?

I don't like to be touched. I still knock at my in-law's house even though they keep telling me it's not necessary. I won't touch things that belong to others even though I don't care about them touching my stuff.

My wife asked me the other day why I didn't open a letter that was addressed to her. I thought the answer was obvious, it wasn't to me. The letter was clearly from someone we both knew and wouldn't contain anything private or secret and she thought it was very funny that I would think I wasn't entitled to open and read it. Am I really that strange? I wasn't this way as a child. Anyone else noticing a major change in their personal space requirements since leaving?

I've always had those space requirements and so mormonism was extremely difficult for me to deal with--especially things like INTERVIEWS.

If you're weird, then so am I! I even knock at my step-dad's house even though my mom lives there too.

Possibly, because I was brought up in a home where my mother never acknowledged boundaries. She felt perfectly free to rummage through my personal possessions at any time, even throwing out things that she felt were just "clutter."

When I was about 11, I got a gift - a diary that LOCKED shut! My mother demanded that I give her the key. I refused, because the key went with the diary and the diary had MY name engraved on it, so it was all MINE. She was beyond furious that I might write something that she didn't have access to!

I kept the key with me at all times and kept the diary hidden.

Half-a-century later, my husband asks me why I don't open mail addressed to him and "deal with it." I tell him, "Because it's yours, not mine." He says, "I don't keep secrets from you! You can open anything addressed to me!" But I still don't. Somehow, that's just a boundary I don't feel comfortable crossing.

why should you touch other people's stuff ? you wouldnt' go through your guests' things

why would you open someone else's letter unless it was a bill?

you wouldn't open someone else's birthday card would you? that would take away all their fun! why would you open a personal letter from their friend or old friend or sister or whatever? opening it is part of the fun!

why would you open someone else's email account and read their email?

you wouldn't open their professional email would you? you wouldn't open their professional files, projects, accounts or mail from public agencies and supervisors at their job at work would you? that would get into their job!

you wouldn't go online into their online gradebook if they were a teacher would you? you wouldn't get into the confidential data of their students would you? you woudldn't grade their math or physics or essay papers would you? or change their grades?

why would you consider any of that? maybe the person who asked you to do that has no boundaries and they need some-

PS when visiting any couple's home= knock. They might be having sex. KNOCK

what are you thinking! were these people possibly some from a gorup with no boundaries expecting you to violate personal space? create fau pauxs? get in the way of other people's intimacy? interfere with established friendships & build resentment or isolate your spouse from former and current friends by not allowing them individual space in that friendship? (although you know them- that card or note is STILL a communication between friends- the one its addressed to)

no its not about you.
does your wife or her family have boundaries?

PS the mormon church doesn't give females permission to their own thoughts choices friends private gossip its all up for discussion pervue survellience at committee meetings, father's interview, bishop's interview. no holds barred.

They're a very close family which I don't have anymore. My FIL is VERY quiet and wouldn't dream of just walking in to my house. My MIL is the complete opposite. We get along pretty well after we had a big fight soon after we first met. The boundaries were established. I follow my rules and so does she.

My wife has pretty clear boundaries but not about her mail I guess. I could dig through any of her mail, her phone, her stuff on the computer and she would think it odd but it wouldn't make her mad. I doubt she would even mention it.

I grew up in Utah Valley. All the neighbors knew our business. My father has NO boundaries whatsoever so I've assumed I developed mine in response to his lack.

I don't think you are extreme at all. I am just like you and maybe I'm this way because my mother didn't respect my boundaries at all. I raised my children differently and they are all respectful of personal space.

My husband, The Best Man Ever™ is too! We are both door-shutters when we go to the bathroom as well. Not that we have not seen everything the other has- and adore it all- it's just that we do believe in boundaries. We don't shut the door for showers, just potty stuff.

We each have our own computer. I only access his when he asks me to fix something on it.

And no, we don't open each other's mail.

except that my aversion to touch is strong enough that I can actually get red, irritated skin if someone strokes it for any length of time. (Found that out when I was married.)

I'm very uncomfortable if anyone goes into my personal space. Someone could simply go into a drawer to put away clean socks and I get really squicky about it. I guess this stems from my mother who would go into my room and go through my stuff. She would throw away my things and it didn't take much to find something to use against me in some way. My ex-husband did that too. I don't usually walk into a home that is not mine unless I'm actually staying there for a couple of days or if it's a busy party and there are lots of people there anyway. With my mom and dad, I'm a little less formal around the door bell, but with the in-laws, I wait for them to open the door. I don't open mail that's not addressed to me unless it's a bill and I open up my childrens' mail because they're little. Unless it's a card from gramma, I get first dibs on the contents. Even that makes me feel a little guilty. :)

Healthy boundaries are to be valued.

so said my mother when they'd enter by the back door, calling yoohoooo and suddenly appearing in the house. She was horrified and told them to kindly leave and next time please knock.

They got the message, until another lot decided to do the same.

In those days, it was safe enough to leave the rear entrance unlocked but these intrusions caused a change in her security measures.

I visit my children regularly and always knock, though they know it is me and usually call out - 'come in mum!' 'kettle's on', as I've usually telephoned first.

Manners - pure and simple. Mormons need to learn some.

Briggy

My nevermo mom used to lock the front door half an hour before the in laws were due--to make them knock! I didn't know (realize, I guess) that she also locked away all the mail/papers she wanted kept private--closed drawers or closets didn't keep those folks from going through personal stuff and asking questions, aparently.

Growing up I thought their incessant personal questions were a grandparent thing until I realized my cousins, aunts and uncles were all just as nosey. An amazing contrast to my Irish Catholic family branch, who made a lot of noise screaming and yelling through the house, fought with their fists, and made up with (sometimes) handshakes. Smoked like fiends, too. But you said please and thank you, asked permission and minded your own business.

You sound like a perfectly normal human being with a healthy sense of self and normal boundaries--who just doesn't like to be hugged. Recovery is an ongoing process and that's what this board is here to help with. Give yourself a pat on the back and get on with it, you're doing fine!

actually pretty normal to me.... however i do go over almost every Saturday to a couples house( i have known them for 25+ years).... and i just walk in and yell...."HI HONEY i'm home!! :)... but thats just me... you seem to have normal boundaries..

I'm 41. I haven't lived with either of my parents for at least 20 years.

I still knock when I go to my dad's house, even though it USED to be my house too. I don't live there anymore. I am a guest in his house when I am there. I do this because I expect the same respect for my boundaries. I would consider it the height of rudeness for my dad to just march into my house.

At my mom's I do not knock, but I should because she packs heat and lives alone. LOL. I might get my head shot off if I tried to surprise her.

Bottom line, I think my boundaries have gotten more firm and tighter since I left. I value my privacy more and do not blather on and on, telling complete strangers my life story or explaining every physical ailment in complete detail. (I save that for my close middle-aged friends, who share theirs. haha) I don't discuss religion, politics, or my sex life with mixed company, or with anyone I don't know very well.

It's just healthy boundaries.

I have trouble with this also. The thing that puzzles me is knowing what is proper and acceptable and what is me being oversensitive. I do not like being touched or being forced to hug someone or accept a hug. I have issues with people knowing my business and telling other people. I hate when someone knocks on my door without calling first.

I detest unannounced visitors, it does my head in.

I would not dream of pitching up at someones home if they weren't expecting me.

Isn't opening someone else's mail a Federal offense?

My pervert brother used to rummage through my and my daughter's suitcases, whenever we'd visit my parents. I got combination locks, and we kept them locked after that. I complained to my parents that some of our underwear was missing, and the next day they miraculously appeared under the bed. Creepy.

I was manipulated into having my brother stay with us, during family reunions, funerals, etc. He would go through my tax documents, and publicly comment on how much money I made. After that I would take all my personal files to my office, and lock them up there.

Another brother and SIL stayed with us for a week, a short time after my husband had abandoned me and our children, and I was desperately trying to make ends meet, work full time, and go to school. The kids had jobs, too. My brother and SIL asked to borrow my car early one Saturday to go to the temple. The kids did their paper routes with their bicycles, and walked to their jobs. My bother brought the car back--wrecked--and said, "Oh, by the way, we dinged your car in the temple parking lot. We didn't see a lightpost, ha-ha!" He didn't offer to take it in to be repaired, or even pay for it. It was worse than a 'ding,' and would take several days to fix. I couldn't manage getting to both work and school and drive the kids without a car!

A neighbor I was dating came to my front door at about 10:00 at night, and surprised me with a car to use while my car was being repaired. I was so grateful, that I gave him a big hug. It was the only time we ever embraced. My SIL saw me hugging this man, and spread romors throughout the family, that I was "throwing myself at some man."

I waited for the right moment, during a family reunion, and overheard my SIL talking about my "man," and went over to the group and said, "You were SPYING ON ME in my own house, at 10:00 at night--and now you're gossipping about it! That "man" was my GAY neighbor, and he had just brought me a car to use while my only car--WHICH YOU WRECKED--was in the garage for four days being repaired. I was grateful to him, because I desperately needed that car to keep my life going."

I was always having to straighten our my SIL's gossip. Eventually, the family caught on to her. The only way to keep our privacy was to not tell her anything that we didn't want the whole world to know.