I had no idea until i came on this site that so many women felt that way!

The pressure to put on a happy face while being overwhelmed is probably one of the factors for the anxiety meds and anti depressants.

then came the lectures and scoldings from the pulpit.
then some gossip got back to you.
then they pass around the clip board for volunteers.
then someone asks you why you didn't sign up.
then it was off to class for more of the same. etc. etc.
What was i thinking? I don't know how i lasted as long as i did.

Yes, I remember when my kids were little that there was a prevailing feeling amongst my friends that during the child-raising years, you weren't going to get spiritually fed. Your job was to pop out kids, bring them to church on time and tidy, keep them quiet and well-behaved and jumping through their hoops, then put them in Primary or nursery and take care of other peoples' kids (i.e. do your calling). This usually took you out of Relief Society, which meant even if your kids were big enough to be in nursery or SS, you weren't going to get any uninterrupted spiritual time anyway. Most women just felt these years were a write-off and they'd get back to getting benefits from church when the kids were grown.

The worst part of Sunday for me was the pre-Church meltdown. Because no one was ready, on time, in clean, ironed clothes. Someone was always presenting me with something to iron at the last minute that they should have given me the night before. Kids dawdled over breakfast, couldn't find their little ties, forgot to brush their teeth etc. and frankly, DH takes longer to get ready for church than I do. I was shrieking by the time I left for church, just to find we got to church a few minutes late, had to climb over everyone and know that everyone thought less of us for not being able to be on time, after all we could do. So we looked sloppy and scattered and probably everyone looked pretty grumpy. When I quit caring about the church and only went occasionally because of DH, Sundays immediately got happier because I didn't care when we got to church. Of course, avoiding church entirely is the best option ever - especially when there is a good football game on.

That was when I started asking why I even bothered to go, when all I was getting back was snagged nylons, spit-up on my dress, and frazzled/exhausted by the time I got home.

Kids wear what they want, I wear what I want, I drop kids off with paid caregivers. Get a pager in case the kids need me. Go to sanctuary, pass by tables asking me to sign up. Everyone greets me warmly. I sign up for what I want to sign up for, no hard feelings, sit through an uplifting professionally prepared service (paid musicians, educated pastors) Pick up kids, they show me the cool things they made, go home and do laundry.

Yes, this is the idealized Sunday, but it happens pretty often.

presbyterian

I'm happy for you if you like your church. But i don't know why you feel a need to be on this site to constantly tell us about it.This is not a recruiting site. If i want to know about presbyterians i will look them up.

I think that is just and example of how different a Sunday can be.
Presbyterian sounds nice, and point out that having a professional clergy might be nice.

If you want energy and volume I live right in between two jump-and-shout churches I could tell you about. More drams but still less blame than LDS services..

+1 on the post.

It used to be; wife screaming to get the kids ready. Her putting on the ugliest outfits because they covered all her garments. Kids yelling in the car I hate church. Me dressed like a funeral director wishing I was dead with a tie rash. One hour of making the kids stay put and shut up. Bad breath of all the old farts. Second hour of kids come but hearing the same lessons over and over again for the last 30 years minus details. The peterpriesthood meeting in a tiny room with guys who litteraly teach the same lessons again.

My wife and I would actually fight with each other to get to stay home with a sick child.

Now no rush go in jeans and flip flops, Drop the kids off at a place they want to be. Listen to music and enjoy an hour of being with others and then take everyone out to lunch. And if I don't want to go no one calls or cares even if they come over later that day.

One of my favorite days now.

Until you find a member of the clergy that is in it for sheer money. A female Presbyterian minister just robbed a local Presbyterian church in West Virginia blind.

Not only did she take all their money, the entire congregation collapsed.

So much for "paid clergy".

Presbyterian, I didn't get the impression you were trying to convert. I have gone to different churches since leaving and WHAT a difference! A few years ago I went to an LDS service, I've blocked out the reason I was there, but OMG the noise, the cheerios, the tremendously boring speaker saying the exact same things I heard way back when. I kept thinking "is there anybody in this chapel who is actually enjoying this crap?" It was always the woman's job to take loud children out...never the man. I guess it was more important for the man to be spiritually uplifted (if you could call it that). Boy this thread really made me remember how exhausting the day of rest was. At least other churches serve coffee after!!!

OK.....Sorry.

Mia - I can relate to what you wrote. I've come to realize that the Church presses all the wrong buttons with me - especially the anxiety, guilt, frustration buttons. Who needs to feel that way almost every Sunday??

I don't sign up on every clipboard that is passed to me. I regularly participate in several non-Church service organizations, but all that means ZERO with TBMs, including my DH. Kind, thoughtful acts and being a true friend doesn't mean anything if it isn't counted as visiting teaching/home teaching or friendshipping for missionary purposes. We have "missionary moment' in RS so sisters can brag about how they have touched someone's lives by sharing the gospel in any small way.

I had major surgery for cancer a few years ago. My TBM hubby told the RS that I didn't need their help. My nonmember neighbors took such good care of me...with lots of food, visits, entertainment, household chores, etc. We didn't need to deal with my visiting teachers' baggage with quickie guilt-driven service.

I'm about as "good" as I want to be.... I don't need or appreciate the Church constantly pressuring me and I don't like others meddling in my life because they're being pressured to do so.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/11/2011 08:38AM by almafudd.

I've had the same experience. Word for word. Amazing.

Hope you are well now.

Thanks, MIA. I have regained my physical health and now I am working on my mental health. I long for peace of mind and I know the Church is the last place I'll find it. Leaving is going to be a challenging road for me. I have a TBM husband. He is very by the book - all is black & white. I'm afraid the deterioration of our relationship may become collateral damage.

I am glad you made your way out and wish you well.

Yes, what were we thinking? I felt that it was all my fault. After all, I had been brainwashed from birth that the Mormon church was perfect. Until coming onto RFM, I was convinced I was the ONLY person in the whole ward who felt deflated at church. So, I kept trying harder, thinking things would get better.

Yes, I thought that things would get better when the kids got older, or when I had only one calling instead of three, or if I bought the kids new Easter outfits, but it only got worse, and my children's complaints made more and more sense!

For a while, I thought the stress was from getting the kids ready, so we would carefully lay out our clothes Saturday night, and I would fix breakfast ahead of time, and we would get up in plenty of time. But--we were even more unhappy. We had now lost our Saturday night, spent ironing and laying out clothes, instead of enjoying ourselves.

We tried everything, and nothing made us like church.

We go to the Lutheran church, when we feel like it. I'm agreeing that religious worship can be an uplifting community experience. I feel something I never, ever could feel in Mormonism--PEACE!

Forestpal, OMG. Yes. I tried everything I could to "solve" MY problem with why Sundays were so horrible. Preparing meals, clothes ahead, carefully changing nap/nighttime schedules, quietbooks, homemade games, etc. I am a good problem-solver and Nothing worked. I literally spent years doing this and feeling like a failure.

It was only when I realized that church was the problem, not me that it all made sense.

I realized only after I left TSCC that mormons do not have weekends, They have 2 days of getting everything "ready for Sunday" on Saturday and then "Mental Abuse" day as has been pointed out. I used to DREAD the weekends for that reason. Now, I absolutely LOVE the weekends, because I have 2 days to decompress.

Is it any wonder why Utah leads the nation in anti-depressent use?

I was BIC also. watched my mothers and sisters all go through the same misery. It was my normal. There always seemed to be someone in the ward who did it better. had better behaved kids,more dedicated hubby, better ancestors, the competition was fierce. I grew up in oregon. can't even imagine the whole utah scene.

Now the kids are grown. My husband and i both left the church. Last sunday my son and dil came over and we had wine tasting dinner. It was fun. We have only been out since june. it seems like a lifetime ago. This is the best family decision we have ever made. If we get dressed up, its to go to one of the kids weddings. My son got married at the lighthouse in Mukelteo Wa. It was beautiful. Not the nightmare,crazy house, like my temple wedding. nobody was making death threats. How normal. We have a lot of living to make up for. Best thing is, my grandkids won't be raised in this church.

You're lucky that it was a family exit. Your son's wedding sounds like it was beautiful!

a couple months ago, and someone asked what their least favorite day of the week was. A good portion of them admitted to disliking Sundays. Surprising (that they would admit it, not that they hate Sundays)

That is the #1 reason why I left the church. Sundays were so miserable growing up that I didn't care if the church was true or not--I wanted NO part of it! As a kid, we would have to go a half hour early so Mom could set up her Primary room, and stay at least a half hour late so she could chit chat. Dad was in the bishopric so we never saw him anyway. When we got older and could drive ourselves to church, there was presidency meetings before church (somehow my brother and I always found ourselves on some presidency or other) and then firesides that evening. That's A LOT of church in one day. It was draining, not uplifting. And lets not forget early morning seminary and Saturday service projects...

I quit going to church the day I moved out of my parents house at age 18 and have never regretted it. I've had spiritual moments in many places, but never in an LDS church. If there is a God, I don't think he's hanging out in there.

Yet so many Mormons manage to convince themselves the nagging was uplifting.

Taking kids to church is not easy. Our kids are grown now so we watch the young couples deal with it, we step in when needed. One old bat got up during F&T meeting telling all the mothers (not the fathers) not to leave the chapel during the sacrament unless it was a matter of life or death because it was a SIN. Do you think the bishop corrected that at any point - no, he did not.

I loved going to church with our kids because my wife just wanted to go to bed and recover when we got home. Of course we had to make love in order for her to calm down enough to sleep and forget the morning. It was the best of times - oh boy church is almost over - old joe is a happy boy.

I totally agree that LDS church was awful and a waste of time. That's why I gradually decreased my attendance at meetings start at age 14 and completely quit going at age 17. Since I was single, I used Sundays to go skiing, camping, fishing, bicycling, hiking.

My TBM parents didn't agree with my decision to quit church, but they allowed me to do it without giving me a hard time about it. Guess I was just lucky!

I posted in the other thread about how awful it was to watch the kids being miserable every Sunday while their tired, overwhelmed moms tried to corral them. What I forgot to mention was that this was going on while I was in college (East Coast, state school, non-LDS affiliation). Anyway, a bunch of the college kids in the ward liked to goof around with the kids and we'd often invite them to sit with us during Sacrament Meeting and keep them entertained a little bit. The moms, understandably, were incredibly grateful for the help and several of us ended up landing pretty decent weekend babysitting gigs as a result when the parents wanted to go to the temple or on dates or whatever. Well, one Sunday the first counselor marched up to us students before the service and told us we were no longer allowed to sit with the kids or their families during Sacrament meeting, and that the kids needed to sit with their families and be kept in line by their mothers. He was SUCH an insufferable old goat, and his arrogance was unlike anything I'd ever seen. So we dutifully sat in the rear of the chapel and the kids went back to being unruly and miserable with their parents and the idiot who lectured us went back to thinking he had all the answers. Nice.

Reading all of your posts about the difficulty of going to church with kids reminded me of how difficult it was going when I couldn't have kids. Everyone thinking that my fertility was their business, giving me the looks, slipping me articles about how the first presidency approves of adoption. I think the best part was getting "called" to nursery right after a miscarriage.