Recovery Board
: RfM
Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum.
1. We believe in Gold, the Eternal Fiscalness, and in its Kin, Silver, and in the Holy Moolah.
2. We believe no man will be punished for being an Asshat, but shall flourish as to the measure of his Asshattedness.
3. We believe that through the Receipt of Extorted Thithes, all Asshats may be enriched beyond their wildest dreams.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Asshat are: first, Short-term memory and denial of history; second, the Opression of Women; third, the Spreading of Bullshit to prolong the reign of the Asshats; fourth, the changing of doctrine in a timely manner to avoid discovery.
5. We believe that a man must be called by prophecy, and by the layering on of Bullshit by those who are in possession of said Bullshit, to preach the Bullshit and administer in the weird-assed ordinances thereof.
6. We believe in the same organization that existed in Masonry, except we changed some shit up to make it fit our own devices.
7. We believe in the gift of tongues, namely, making out with teenage girls and other men’s wives (particularly when we send them on foreign missions), prophecy that befits our needs, revelation that we write on napkins while eating at Denny’s, visions of sugar plums, interpretation of salamander, and other shit.
8. We believe the Bible to be okay if it says what we deem to be right; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be…well, we don’t know what we believe about it because we’ve had to make over 4,000 changes, with more to come. It has some cool pictures in it though.
9. We believe all that God has revealed (except that shit about people of color and that blood oath thingie and the Quakers on the moon..), all that He does now reveal (except what Asshat Packer said about gay folk, we needed to edit that), and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of Asshats (we reserve the right to edit or otherwise alter anything in the offing because it might not fit our agenda).
10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built somewhere in Missouri (except those Reorganized, Josephite fuckwads own the site and we’re gonna have to sue them up the ying-yang) that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory. We also believe in the building of malls far and beyond the original budget and fuck those Haitians. Let ‘em eat cake and live in tents.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the latest version of Asshat Handbook of Instruction and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may, because, in the end, those dickwads will all burn in any event.
12. We believe subjecting all Asshat Followers to humiliation, poverty, psychological abuse and browbeating. Kings, presidents, rulers and magistrates be damned! This is OUR show, and you’ll by-damned kneel and worship us!
13. We believe in being dishonest, untrue, chased by elephants, and in screwing all men; we may say that we follow the admonition of Bob—We lie about all things, we hide lots of things, we make our followers endure many things, and hope to make them endure many more things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek to interview it and ask if it masturbates.
Jesus Smith
2. We believe no man will be punished for being an Asshat, but shall flourish as to the measure of his Asshattedness.
3. We believe that through the Receipt of Extorted Thithes, all Asshats may be enriched beyond their wildest dreams.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Asshat are: first, Short-term memory and denial of history; second, the Opression of Women; third, the Spreading of Bullshit to prolong the reign of the Asshats; fourth, the changing of doctrine in a timely manner to avoid discovery.
5. We believe that a man must be called by prophecy, and by the layering on of Bullshit by those who are in possession of said Bullshit, to preach the Bullshit and administer in the weird-assed ordinances thereof.
6. We believe in the same organization that existed in Masonry, except we changed some shit up to make it fit our own devices.
7. We believe in the gift of tongues, namely, making out with teenage girls and other men’s wives (particularly when we send them on foreign missions), prophecy that befits our needs, revelation that we write on napkins while eating at Denny’s, visions of sugar plums, interpretation of salamander, and other shit.
8. We believe the Bible to be okay if it says what we deem to be right; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be…well, we don’t know what we believe about it because we’ve had to make over 4,000 changes, with more to come. It has some cool pictures in it though.
9. We believe all that God has revealed (except that shit about people of color and that blood oath thingie and the Quakers on the moon..), all that He does now reveal (except what Asshat Packer said about gay folk, we needed to edit that), and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of Asshats (we reserve the right to edit or otherwise alter anything in the offing because it might not fit our agenda).
10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built somewhere in Missouri (except those Reorganized, Josephite fuckwads own the site and we’re gonna have to sue them up the ying-yang) that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory. We also believe in the building of malls far and beyond the original budget and fuck those Haitians. Let ‘em eat cake and live in tents.
11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the latest version of Asshat Handbook of Instruction and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may, because, in the end, those dickwads will all burn in any event.
12. We believe subjecting all Asshat Followers to humiliation, poverty, psychological abuse and browbeating. Kings, presidents, rulers and magistrates be damned! This is OUR show, and you’ll by-damned kneel and worship us!
13. We believe in being dishonest, untrue, chased by elephants, and in screwing all men; we may say that we follow the admonition of Bob—We lie about all things, we hide lots of things, we make our followers endure many things, and hope to make them endure many more things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek to interview it and ask if it masturbates.
Jesus Smith
assclownery.
Synonymous. :)
Covert it into a .pdf file, reduce, print and laminate. :)