I know many of you have been there, done that with regards to leaving The Church. Any tips or advice on how to break it to friends, family etc that are staunch members? This is the hardest and loneliest decision I’ve ever made. It will change relationships for sure and I know some serious opposition to this decision is coming as well as severe judgement. My reasons for leaving is solely because of the massive deception of Mormonism which has taken many years to finally become the reality for me.
Thanks in advance!!

... Come here as often as you need to, and think about meeting up with exmos in real life.

But stay away from my girlfriend!

No worries there mate!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/14/2018 08:22PM by saffainoz.

Too late.

































just kidding

As a wise man once sang:

Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan
Don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free. . . .

There must be 50 ways to leave the Mormons.

Great song ha ha!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/14/2018 08:22PM by saffainoz.

You don't mention whether you are married or have kids. If you aren't married and don't have kids, that makes it a lot easier.

You don't have to tell anyone, really. You could just stop going. They will think that you are “inactive.”

If they ask, you can tell them that you are taking a break from Mormonism, or you just don't think it is right for you. Some people are inactive their whole lives.

I wouldn't bother trying to explain the fraud to them. It won't make any difference, and at that point it becomes about them and not about you. You don't need to explain to anyone why you don't go. You are not like a Mormon, who has to convince others to follow your path. It just isn't your thing should be good enough for anyone. If it isn't good enough, that isn't your problem ultimately, it is their problem.

Normal people allow others to live their own lives as they see fit. It is called respect.

As for the "friends,” based on how they react to you, you will find out if they are friends or just "church friends.” And yes, there is a real difference.

Good luck. Ultimately, I think you will be happier living your life on your own terms rather than on others’terms.

My one caveat: if you are dependent on TBMs, then I would play along and say nothing until you are able to support yourself.

My advice has to always stay focused on the relationships with your family. No need to argue with people about the why. Have your good "why" reason ready to go. I always kept it simple, "I have studied the church history and there are new things I have learned that I find difficulty believing". I like to keep it vague and avoid discussing the issues. Be the best, honest, most sincere loving family member you can. Tough to argue with that. Good luck. Life truly gets better, sweeter, and more enjoyable being uniquely you!

Take a break from church. Just find something else to do. Once you’re out of the closet, Mormons will think there’s something wrong with you (actually there’s something wrong with them) so take it slow on that. Make new friends so you’ll have a support system when your fair weather friends go away.

Also, since their identity is tied to the church, any attack on TSCC will seem like a personal attack against them. They can’t handle the truth until they’re ready for it.

I’m a 38 year old married woman with three kids. Good advice about not trying to explain all the finer details of why I’m leaving. I know that mindset as it was mine a few years ago.
Good to hear it gets better with time as well. Very encouraging!

Yes. I could write many pages on the subject.

Everyone's situation is different, but it does seem that Mormons are restricted to only a few reactions, so that does simplify things.

Maybe some of us hesitate to give you an "exit plan", because our own plans didn't work out very well for us.

I can tell you that even though your exit might bring about the Mormon reactions you fear most, whatever Hell the Mormons might put you through after leaving is nothing compared to the Hell they have put you through when you were a member. Like they say about drugs: your worst day free from Mormonism is better than your best day inside of Mormonism. I never imagine I could be this happy! I have been out for almost 10 years, and my children left with me.

I'm glad you are thinking of an exit "plan." You will know what to expect, and you will take each step one step at a time. Remember (contrary what Mormons have taught you) each individual and each individual relationship will be different.

Set personal boundaries as you go. Some have to be more strict than others, and some will change, as time goes on. Be flexible and open.

I don't know your situation, but if you are dependent on your family for financial support, and/or a place to live, postpone leaving, until you are more independent. There's a lot of good advice here on RFM on how to live with Mormons.

You will be angry, as you discover more and more lies, but try to not hate anyone. Remember that Mormons are brainwashed, and their responses are mostly rote, Pavlovian, and un-thinking knee-jerk reactions and memorized scripts. You will come out the other side with a very different view of Mormons.

Your exit plan will be your own--and that's part of the fun. Yes, getting rid of lies and opening up a whole world of possibilities can be FUN and invigorating!

Stay positive. Criticizing Mormonism to Mormons is counterproductive.

It's useless to debate with brainwashed Mormons, as they don't think like rational human beings. Still, you can drop little seeds of information, that might eventually take root and grow in the mind of a loved one. Stand firm in your right to worship how you choose. Quote that Article of Faith that says so.

The bottom line is that the Mormons will probably not listen to you. Not one Mormon has ever asked me why I left. A lot of Mormons have TOLD me why I left. No, I'm not offended, lazy, or a sinner, or a follower of Satan. I had some success in telling Mormons what I DO believe in. I do believe in unconditional love, I believe in Christ and God, I believe that Christ's Atonement saves us ALL (not just obedient Mormons).

Demonstrate to your family that you are the good person you have always been. Now is not the time to get a tattoo or start swearing or drinking. It took years, but the neighborhood ward Mormon shunners can look across the street and see a dedicated, loving single mother, someone honest and genuine, a successful career woman who has raised great children. They see us together as a family, happy, kind, helping others, living a full life, outside of any organized religion, and having a lot of fun together. It might confuse them, but a REAL (not photoshopped) picture is worth a thousand words.

Develop more self-esteem, as Mormonism is a demoralizing, soul-sucking religion. Stop being a victim. Learn to say "NO" firmly and politely, with no excuses or explanations. You owe the Mormons nothing (they owe you) and they have no power over you. The "power of the priesthood" is all made-up. The Mormons can't tell God what to do, either. God will not punish you for leaving a godless cult; in fact, life will reward you for that.

I left quietly. I thought I could leave politely, without insulting anyone, but that didn't work for me. My children and I were harassed, abused, maligned, gossiped-about, and threatened. I'll spare the details, but it was BAD. (Luckily, my career couldn't be damaged by Mormonism.) After we formally resigned, 80% of the pestering stopped. Now we are being shunned. Shunning isn't personal--it is just SOP for Mormons. Not all people are mistreated in this way, but I was a single woman, and didn't have a husband to protect me. Anyway, plan to leave as quietly and politely as you can.

You can simply stop going to church, as is your right. You can go to another church. You can gradually taper off, and begin by quitting your least favorite calling. Family will start asking questions, and pressuring you more. I let my family find out for themselves, and, as I said, they never bothered to ask why we left. I don't think you can leave without the Mormons getting mad at you. (They are a cult of hate.) Still, for your own sake, you will need to stand up for yourself, if they accuse you of being gay, or evil, or offended, or whatever. I had to stand up and be strong for my children's sake, too.

As far as what to say to them--happily, you have come up with your own perfect one-liner: To quote Saffainoz:


"My reasons for leaving is solely because of the massive deception of Mormonism which has taken many years to finally become the reality for me."


Be honest. Be real. Be loving. Be proud.

I don't have to tell you to "be happy", because you will be.

Congratulations on finding the Truth and following your heart.

Thank you exminion! Your words are so encouraging and you’ve shared some very valuable advice. I’m the first in my family that will be leaving, and I believe my husband and children will eventually too. But I will most likely take the rap for “causing the whole family to leave” even though my husband is very aware of the Mormon fraud. He is a convert and a big people pleaser, and very well liked by the members. It makes me mad that he will stand by and let me jump first but it’s not worth the conflict or stress of trying to get him to do otherwise. I’m just going crazy with continued church attendance, with my understanding of how things really are. I can’t do another Sunday!

As I have read down through this post some important details of your life situation have become clearer. My exit was less complicated but have seen others in your situation. Some observations-not personal experience.
1. The first and only person you should tell is your husband. Don’t ask for his unbiased support-demand it. Make it known that in no uncertain terms this will not affect the marriage or your feelings for him. You expect similar feelings.
2. Depending on the age of your children you may discuss with them especially if they are nearing leaving the home for school, possible mission or military service. Less than that age no.
3. Resign from all callings. Do not turn in your temple rev if you have one. That starts the gossip parade quicker than anything I know.
4. Stop going. Stop paying tithing.
5. Discuss in depth your feelings with DH when he asks. Ground rules are no raising voice, arguing, especially in front of kids and no veiled threats to tell the rest of the family.
6. Find a a way to serve in the community. I use the food bank.
7. Return and report

Gatorman

Hi Gatorman!
Great tips. I have refused the last church calling, kept my temple recommend and started talking with the kids who are school age about having concerns with some aspects of lds doctrine and history. The rest still needs to happen. The few things I’ve mentioned to my staunch siblings and their spouses, along with my parents, have only been met with the typical reactive and emotionally charged responses and judgements of “you’re not exercising enough faith, Satan is influencing your thoughts and putting doubts in your head, etc,etc”.
Thanks for your message.

There is a link on the main page on how to resign. It has helped hundreds.

Resignation takes you off the books. Usually means they leave you alone.

If you just stop going they'll start to pester you to find out why. Fake friends will invite you to lunch. Cookies will appear at your door. Search "love bombing" on this site for examples.

Remember you owe the church nothing. No explanation, to reason.

Now family is another matter. Only you know your husband and kids.

The way my wife "told" me she no longer believed is she stopped wearing garments. First at night. Then at night and at home. Finally all together.

If you have parents that are part of the church, they may find out as well. Often the church tattles but....each year members get a report at tithing settlement that says if you have kids and their status. Many parents find out at this time when all of a sudden a child falls off the report.

Good luck.

Thanks, I found the resignation letter. My only hesitation in sending off one straightaway would be that I’m not sure how long it will take for my husband and kids to make their exit. Sounds worth it though to avoid the love-bombing, ‘surprise’ cookies and new fake friends dropping in.
Thanks for the encouragement;)

Hi saffainoz, glad to see you back. Don't know if I have any good exit advice. Pretty sure I didn't do it the right way. I was reactionary and angry. I burned a few bridges and damaged others.

If I have any advice it would be to be patient with your family and others. Remember, they don't know what you know. They may never be ready to receive what you know. Don't try to force it on them unless they want to know.

It helps me to come here. I mostly come here to learn new perspectives and share a few. I also enjoy reading about others frustrations and ways of dealing with them. It helps me somehow to know others deal with similar things.

It really helps if your husband listens and understands. I would also not try to discourage him from doing what he wants. What is most important is if he truly understands and doesn't fault you for doing what you feel is right for you.

Take it slowly and keep us posted on how things progress.

Hi Felix!
Good to hear from you again:)
Your advice to be patient and not to try force my viewpoints is great advice. It’s so easy to feel angry and I have many moments of frustration and anger. I’m trying to focus on the positive’s of having a husband that does understand and seeing Gods hand in many things.

You can either stop going right away or take some time to dial back your church attendance and involvement. By dial back I mean resign from your callings first (give the bishop a firm date when you are through, and simply cite "for personal reasons,") then attend church intermittently or only for SM.

One thing that is a possibility is that your kids and even perhaps your husband will become targets. Once you stop going, there may be an extra effort to make sure that your kids stay involved and active. It is possible that some members may try to usurp your parental authority. It is also possible that your husband may be viewed as "available" for picking off by women who no longer respect you. This may or may not happen, but be aware that it might.

I would give people the minimal amount of information that will suffice. You can try going inactive at first and simply state that you are doing so for personal reasons, or for health issues, or that you need a break from church. Eventually you might state that you have become aware of some facts about church history with which you are personally uncomfortable. Whatever you decide, keep it very simple and *do not debate* people about it. You do not need to prove to them that you are right or justify your reasons for leaving.

Before you leave you might want to have some exmo and/or nevermos friends in place. There are exmo meetup groups everywhere. Many, perhaps most people are open to friendship, and no one will think less of you for seeking friendship. Strike up friendly conversations, and if someone seems open, issue an invitation for lunch, an excursion, or a movie matinee. When you are just getting to know a potential friend, shared activities work best.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2018 01:15AM by summer.

Hey Summer
Good to hear from you. I’ve learnt quickly that the less info for others, the better. Already had a 3 hour meeting with Bishop ‘popping in’ to discuss my concerns. It only left me feeling more frustrated than ever as he avoided the real concerns I had and instead tried to do a psychoanalysis on me, trying to find some other issues other than the ones I’d talked about.
Thanks for the tips about the potential for my kids and husband being targets at church. That’s a very real possibility.
Will look into ex-mo groups more. I’m in Perth, Aus.. so pretty isolated.

Summer wrote, "One thing that is a possibility is that your kids and even perhaps your husband will become targets. Once you stop going, there may be an extra effort to make sure that your kids stay involved and active. It is possible that some members may try to usurp your parental authority. It is also possible that your husband may be viewed as "available" for picking off by women who no longer respect you. This may or may not happen, but be aware that it might."

Yes, this. The ward will almost certainly come after your kids, especially if they become less active. They may also try to use your kids to get to you. Not only might Mormon women go after your husband, some might try to do some matchmaking for him with a more "worthy" candidate. This sounds crazy, but I've seen it happen multiple times.

Talk with your kids about boundaries; role-play situations with them if you can. Help them prepare responses for love-bombing, intrusive questions, doorstep invitations, and other likely scenarios. They need to understand that no one at church has any authority over them at all, and they should not share info about themselves or family members with anyone from church.

Do talk with your husband about your faith transition and about the various things that might happen to him at church as you become less active or non-active.

Prepare for lots and lots of gossip. People will assume you're doing terrible things-- maybe abusing your kids, getting drunk every night, or running a meth lab in your food storage room. They might even be so sure about these untrue things that they contact local authorities. It happens.

"I'm taking a break right now," is probably the explanation that will inspire the least backlash. I know several people who've used it successfully.

Don't resign yet....

Just find new friends & activities.

IF you live in Utah or Idaho or Arizona, it might be more difficult than other places....

Find a exmo group.

Have you been to Mormon Spectrum for location of groups & contact info?

Our group in N Orange County CA meets once a month.
exmo-K@juno.com



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2018 01:01PM by tutu.

Hi Tutu
I’m in Perth, Aus.
I don’t know of any groups but I’ll look a little harder.

I've never been LDS but have a convert SIL who is married to a TBM who has a whole raft of LDS extended family. That's why I visit this site regularly..it has helped me understand some of the totally weird stuff they do.

Anyway..what I was going to say is that I also live in Perth, Aus ( south of the river and on the train line to Mandurah) if you ever want to meet up for coffee in the city, Freo, Garden City I can be available most days.

I'm currently on holiday but I'll be back in Perth later this week.

Hey Lindy
That would be great.
What’s the best way to contact you? Thanks

The First Rule of Wing Walking: don't let go of what you have until you have hold of something else.

In other words, create a new social circle and family before you exit the church so you won't miss the old ones, so you won't be lonely, so you'll have people in your life saying positive things instead of condemning you.

Hey waunderdog
Good advice. It’s scary how the church gets into the head so much and the level of control it has when it’s infiltrated every part of ones life. I’ve chosen to just hold onto my belief in God and will hold to the bible. I’m hesitant to join another church for now. I’m sure new friends will come as the old ones fade away. Will pursue some of my interests and hobbies too. :)

Congratulations on deciding to leave. Your husband and kids do not realize it yet, but your example is going to help them all. The TSCC is such a waste of time, money and effort... I had the best Sunday yesterday... took my youngest son to the park to kick the soccer ball, took the family to a Vietnamese restaurant for dinner, washed my car, worked on my hobby. All things that I would have felt guilty doing as a TBM.
My advice is to have wonderful Sundays for the rest of your life... and to enjoy Starbucks and a glass of wine from time to time.

Thanks Chipace
I’m looking forward to those kind of Sunday’s!!
I hope you’re right about my husband and kids - maybe if they can see how much I love my new free Sundays, they will join me sooner rather than later;)

Be ready to set very hard and firm boundaries as you leave, including with friends if they push you about the church. Your husband and kids are the only ones that have the right to ask why. This may be a good time for a lesson about honesty, and about fraud. If your or your husband's parents put pressure on you or your kids about the church, be prepared to tell them that access to their grandkids is conditional upon their respect of your choices, and to enforce it by calling the police or going to the courts, if necessary. Find ways to reward the family by doing fun things together on Sundays, or by purchasing something for the kids and telling them that you could have never afforded it if you were still paying tithing.

I recommend finding a really good non-LDS counselor to go for Couples'Therapy. It's very important to hold your marriage together while you go through this transition. One of the best ways to find a good counselor is to go to the Social Work department of a local university and explain your situation to a few professors and ask who they would go to.

Also if you and your husband could read a book together and discuss it - something like "Rough Stone Rolling" anything that is still considered acceptable for members to read, but enough to cause questions in your husband's mind.

I was the 1st to leave in my family, and I was sending off for photocopies of the original documents (via my University Inter-Library Loan) mentioned in books I was reading. Having those originals, rather than just the mention of them in books seemed to make an impression on my husband.

If you're financially dependent on your husband you may wish to consider the possibility of "what if he threatens you with divorce?"

Your children need to have friends outside the church, otherwise the emotional need to stay connected to church friends will hold them tighter than anything you can say or do.

Emotion is what drives people, not the intellect. The book "The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion" is very important to read to understand why emotion will probably hold your husband to the church more than anything else. I was lucky my husband didn't have close friends in the church, only acquaintances.