"Capricorn You’ll discover a brilliant legal loophole that will both get rid of that annoying guy at work and force the Department of Justice to serve you any meal you want.
Aquarius You firmly believe that everything has a soul, which explains why you think your tape dispenser is a bad person.
Pisces The jury won’t be able to really feel disgust at your habit of eating your murder victims, because, hey, who doesn’t love deep-fried food on a stick?
Aries The rest of the year will seem to fly right by, along with a few hundred others, after you’re frozen in a giant block of ice.
Taurus Despite the efforts of literally hundreds of singers to tell you “let’s go,” you have yet to actually go.
Gemini You’ll come face-to-face with many of life’s mysteries next week, none bigger than why the Angel of Death looks like a younger, slimmer Roy Clark.
Cancer You’re not usually the kind of person who cries at weddings, but this one’s of a former lover, you’re at a strange place in your life, and soot gets in your eyes when the whole church burns down with everyone inside.
Leo It’s sad to think that when they tell the story of your life, you’ll only be remembered as one of two guys whose most notable achievement was to walk into a bar.
Virgo You and a man with no arms will be stuck in an elevator together for three and a half hours, but it’ll only take you eight minutes to piss him off with insensitive questions about ass-wiping.
Libra Just when you start to think that you haven’t seen the strange men in lab coats for a while, bam, there they are in line with you at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
Scorpio After your 17th time around as an underpaid office worker in the late-20th-to-early-21st centuries, you’re really starting to become disenchanted with the whole reincarnation thing.
Sagittarius Sometimes you actually hate yourself for going out and drinking until five in the morning, but most times that’s just what you tell people."