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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 01:45PM

I came across this delicious line in a book and I do believe it succinctly points out a problem we have with moving on.

"His brain sits before its cash register again, charging him for old shames as if he has not paid before." From the book "Less" by Andrew Sean Greer. Hit me like a frying pan over the head.


Deep down I understand and forgive myself, but I always have this nagging feeling no one else could ever forgive me. I think that comes from having been raised Mormon with being perfect as the only acceptable state of being.

I'm so tired of those nights waking up at three in the morning and being haunted by all the things I should have done differently. I really need my "cash register" to say Paid in Full just once. But somehow it seems that I am still paying off just the interest.

So this line from this book made me realize how important it is to let others know we don't hold a grudge, do get over things, and do forgive them when it is sincere. Not because some church person said you HAVE TO.

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 02:03PM

Done & Done Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> Deep down I understand and forgive myself, but I
> always have this nagging feeling no one else could
> ever forgive me. I think that comes from having
> been raised Mormon with being perfect as the only
> acceptable state of being.


What you wrote touched my heart. I, too, could have written this except I wasn’t raised in the cult. But, I had very strict parents who demanded perfection.

So, D&D, consider this...you are whole in all your imperfections. Your imperfections and my imperfections are what make us unique humans. This uniqueness makes us genuine. We are perfect (whole) in our imperfect humanity

When my doubts and worries creep in, I remind myself that I’m a genuine person—no better, no worst than most of my fellow humanity. What I tell friends who are worried about their faults is simple, “Your uniqueness is a gift for all of us. Embrace who you are.”

And, friend, other than self-righteous TBM who don’t have a clue about their own fucked-up-ness, others really don’t worry about their or our imperfections.
A big ((((hug)))) from a very imperfect, but whole, Boner



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/01/2017 02:07PM by BYU Boner.

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Posted by: incognitotoday ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 02:55PM

What da Boner said is spot on. My Father is getting ready to see the angels and asked me to speak at his funeral. He is well known and very respected by MANY. I’m really stressed about it because I feel so unworthy. Still trailing much that I haven’t forgiven myself for. Keep going back to the cash register. We were all trained to feel small and worthless by tscc.

I believe that the fact you (OP) brought up this topic means you are a valuable and worthy human being. Look at the back side of the waterfall of your life. You’ll see I’m right.

teddy

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 06:18PM

The perspective that you can give as your father's loving child is unique. Try to think about funny stories or other reminiscences that reveal your dad's personality. His friends and associates will love you for it, and will empathize with you deeply because they have loved your dad as well.

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 07:15PM

As always, Summer’s post reflect deep wisdom and truth. Incognito, may this be a holy time with your father. May you see each other for the beautifully unique, but imperfect, men that you are. And, may you experience deep peace when speaking about your father. ((((((Big hugs))))))

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 02:23PM

The process of judging yourself implies a standard against which to measure oneself.

Atheists have it easy because we recognize that there is no standard, other than what we accept, be it personal, situational or community based. Once we are comfortable with our behaviors in these situations, at least for me, life flows pretty darn smoothly. And these self-identified standards have the blessing of being contained within movable lines.

Yes, there can be situations where past behavior requires present 'repentance', but not everyone makes this connection between past behavior and current peace of mind.

Personally, I don't think there will ever come the time when certain behaviors in my past, when recollected, don't make me wince, in shame. Fortunately, this doesn't happen often and I am left free to savor the much better person I've become. And it's not that I've forgiven myself, it's more that I've accepted that, contrary to what you read in all the papers, I am not capable of perfection. But I'll always be capable of trying to raise my game.

Reading this over I have no idea if this even remotely responds to the OP, but that's the beauty of RfM: we use it to our benefit and it sits there and takes it. Yay RfM!

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 02:25PM

I love you Dawg! You have a standard, admittedly it’s low, but I love you all the more for it!

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 02:28PM

Fortunately it's low enough to include you, my fine feathered friend, whom I plan to meet this Spring when I go to Orem for my oldest daughter's 50th birthday.



Scared?

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 02:36PM

No, I’m overjoyed! But, there are no feathers, only hairs :)

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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 02:38PM

The idea of forgiveness is very abstract for me. Like "faith," I never understood it.

The ONLY part of forgiveness that I understand is that I can't forgive myself. For anything.

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Posted by: donbagley ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 05:30PM

+1

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 07:22PM

Kathleen and Don, I don’t have answers. But, the two of you are insightful, compassionate, and beautiful friends. I hope that whatever imperfections you may worry about, you’ll know and feel that they are unimportant and don’t reflect the true worth and quality of the genuine you.

Don, your stories help many of us heal. Kathleen, you’re always there for us as a warm, funny, and smart friend.

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: December 02, 2017 12:25PM

Ka-Ching Kathleen. I know the feeling. I can handle it during the day but for some reason when it hits me, it's alway 3 AM when even small things seem to be unfathomable ominous.

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Posted by: Dorothy ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 05:44PM

Following.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 06:34PM

Catholics strive for perfection as well. There came a point when I started to see that quest for perfection as being a very unhealthy thing. I call it "staring into your own navel syndrome." There is a thing as too much (incriminating) self reflection.

I got a different point of view when I studied the Taoist faith in high school and university. The Taoists embrace imperfection, seeing it as an inevitable part of life. Taoist artists will even include a deliberate imperfection in their paintings to reflect that point of view. Also, if you look at a Taoist painting, often the person depicted will be only a small part of a picture that is really about the larger majesty of nature. It's like the artist is saying, "You are a very small part of a much larger picture. Don't take it all so seriously."

Look at the banner at the top of the linked page. Try to find the human!

http://www.chinaonlinemuseum.com/painting-lan-ying.php

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: December 02, 2017 12:22PM

You have mentioned Tao several times in some of your posts I believe. I have not thought much about this philosophy in the past but re-read much on the subject because of what you have said here. What really caught my attention this time was this:

"Duality. Lao Tzu pointed out that all qualities in the world possess meaning only by the existence of their opposites. Something can only be big if there is something else that is small by comparison. "Good" exists in the world so long as "evil" exists as well. One cannot do without the other."

Of course we have reduced it to "you must taste the bitter to know the sweet."

So I guess in context of the cash register factor, perhaps our misgivings could be reminders of how far we have come and how much wisdom we would be missing without our stupid(?) mistakes.

Thanks for your post. I enjoyed my excursion through what I could find on Tao this morning. It inspires the trusting of one's own tuition I think.

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