From being a little brat sitting on a wooden bench in junior Sunday school with the other Sunbeams, I was told that one day Jesus would want me to be his sunbeam. I was oh so excited! 'To shine for him someday' 'in every way try to please him' yeah yeah.

Then we sang songs that 'I hope they call me on a mission'. That also gave me hope that one day I would be a missionary, just like I was supposed to be, if I was good enough. Again, I was excited to be what they wanted me to be.

In time I was asked to give a prayer, give a 2 1/2 minute talk, sing in the choir, pass the sacrament, attend Seminary, and all of the crap that young people have to do to keep the peace with Parents and leaders. None of this was "me", but what someone else wanted me to be.

Then came the mission. Oh Jesus, the mission. This is where the rubber meets the road. No more hiding, no more faking, I was knocking on doors and talking to strangers face to face pretending like I knew what I was talking about. I was a missionary, and I didn't like it. I was being and doing what someone else wanted me to be and do.

Later in life I was required to be a home teacher and visit 4-5 families every month that wanted me there about as much as I wanted to be there. It wasn't "me" and I strongly disliked it to the point that I eventually refused to go and had several "talking tos" by the bishop. Elder's Quorum Presidency was where I had to convince other Elders to to their home teaching. Temple Prep instructor, finance clerk, scout master, yeah, I had to do all of that too, and it wasn't "me", it was me being what someone else wanted me to be.

/time passes: For half a century I was what my Parents wanted me to be, my fully indoctrinated wife expected me to be, and my church leaders demanded that I be. My Parents are now gone, wife passed away, kids all married and on their own, and I can finally relax and, , , well, , , just be "me". I resigned from the mighty morg, and have a live in girlfriend now. And, best of all, I don't have to be what someone else wants me to be, I can just be me! And I like it!

Who are you?

I like your post, Sunbeep!

Good question: "Who are you?" I hope people answer this, as it would be interesting.

I was all the things I was supposed to be, too. There were moments that were happy--mostly because of the good friends I made in my home ward. I was in the same ward from birth to marriage, and a lot of my friends were, too. We went to BYU together, and were each other's bridesmaids.

I was a performing pianist, accompanist, organist, chorister, leader of the choir, etc. When the church banned the "good" music the Mormons used to borrow from other church, and also banned "The Greats", and allowed only Mormon-written drivel, the music died. I am no longer forced to perform, but I enjoy the symphony and opera and 60's rock and some metal. I never did like the heavy, muddy sound of the MoTab choir.

My taste in food is different. I've always been a light eater, enjoying fruit, mostly, and vegetables (we grew our own, sometimes). I never did like fatty meats that much, or greasy fried foods. I hated jell-o.

I'm a private person, and praying aloud in front of an audience made me anxious. I never obeyed the orders to bring my friends to church, and to try to convert everyone, and "every member a missionary." I respected my friends and their beliefs. Turns out, I am not the extrovert I was supposed to be.

I am relieved that I don't have to "set an example" or be a "leader." I don't like to perform, as the music people forced me to do. I hated giving talks, and lived in fear of being chosen to speak in a meeting. This extrovert is now an introvert.

Still--I'm willing to be assertive in my career, when I feel it is important. I can speak in front of 200 colleagues, because they are a friendly audience, and what I'm telling them is the truth, and it is (fairly) important, and helpful, and it is pertinent to what they are doing. I can work with difficult clients. But, I don't share my personal life with anyone. I was the victim of Mormon "affinity fraud", too many times. I trust no one! I'm friendly, and loving to my children and grandchildren, and nice to workers, and people around me--but I shut down, if strangers try to get too close.

Fantastic sunbeep!
Great post. Nailed it right on the head.

Isn't it fabulous to be the real you?

Thumbs up, sunbeep, happy for you!

Great post.

I was like you. I did exactly what I was supposed to do, I did my duty faithfully all the way through. I was what they wanted me to be. I didn't even consider who I really was or what I wanted to be. This lasted all the way up and through the mission and then to BYU where I was still planning on getting married in the temple even though I was gay. I think the extreme behavior required of BYU may have been part of what finally allowed my real self to bust out and I became me for the first time ever. I figured out the church was a lie the beginning of my last year there and felt a euphoric relief--the most beautiful feeling ever. Flew under the radar until I got the diploma and then fled never to be what they wanted me to be again--their personal ATM.

I had to work very hard to excavate my personality and polish it up, ready for use finally.

My mother was recently cleaning out some drawers and sent me some old papers of mine. One was the very last tithing receipt I ever paid. Such an odd thing to see. I couldn't even afford to buy a candy bar while I was in school, but there was the rather large amount I had paid in tithing from my nearly full time job while I put myself through school.

We're OUT!

I was also one who did everything (almost) that I was supposed to do.

I finally started to balk at things people asked me to do like pray in meetings, in public. I didn't even pray in front of my husband. Prayer was too personal to me to put it out there for ridicule. I was asked many times and many times turned it down. I had a bishop, just after I got married, tell me that I needed to practice praying so I could feel comfortable praying in public. That just made me more determined I would never pray in front of a mormon audience. I'm sure that is why my ex is still gay.

I just realized as I"m typing this how strong I had to be to go against all the teachings when I was supposed to be trying to save my ex. I needed to be perfect and I wasn't. And I kept failing. I'm still blamed for him not "being saved."

I was my parents' most devout child and they were very shocked when I left the church, but they listened.

But I'm where I NEED to be. I'm more me than I've ever been. I live a very unconventional life and to mormons, a very sinful life. I don't have a live-in boyfriend. We tried that. We don't live together, but I have a boyfriend, never plan to marry again. I am an apostate adulteress. ha ha ha ha I wear it well.

I've always been an introvert and I knew it. I also forced myself to do things I wasn't meant to do like teach R.S. for 4 years. I got the teaching our kids about sex lessons. I don't talk about sex, so that was tough. They wouldn't release me either. It was when I was ready to go inactive. I finally said, "I'm done after this month." And just quit going. I also had to play the piano for many meetings from mutual age on up, but I wasn't all that good. I don't know why they kept asking me. Then they asked me to play the organ in the singles' ward. I didn't know how, but I tried because I didn't turn down callings. I wasn't the only one, so I wasn't the only fool. I actually don't even play the piano any longer.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 11/12/2017 06:51AM by cl2.

I've mostly lurked for years, but I just wanted to say that Sunbeep has been by favorite poster. :-) I knew Sunbeep came from sunbeam...but why beep?

To answer the posts' question, though,...after 10 years out of the church I'm still trying to figure out who I am.

In Junior Sunday school, one of the Primary songs that they sing is Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam. When I was little I would hear the older boys in the back say Sunbeep instead of Sunbeam with loud heavy emphasis on the beep part. The chorister would stop the music and chastise them as they giggled to each other. The song would start over and these boys would repeat Sunbeep and it was funny to me.

The chorister made the disobedient boys stand in front of the whole group while everyone else sang the song to teach them a lesson and the proper words. I was a dumb innocent little kid and when the time came I loudly said BEEP at the proper moment because I knew nobody else would say it. The music stopped and other teachers in the room cracked up as did the piano player. Everyone laughed except for the chorister. I unknowingly beamed with pride because everyone was laughing.

When I started posting and needed a moniker, Sunbeep just came to mind. Sorta my own small way of defiance.

Hahaha, wow, that's a hilarious story! Thanks for answering what I had been wondering about for a while...I knew there was a good story in there! Pat yourself on the back for making everyone but the chorister laugh.

I knew the hymn, but I was a covert and entered as a laurel, so I skipped all those traumatizing childhood LDS years. Congratulations on being out and being you.

I've always liked your moniker because the beep part reminds me of how cuss words are edited out of television shows. I knew your story already, but in my head when I read your name I hear the beep part as a censored cuss word. Very funny, as is your story.

I always like it too but for me it always brought to mind the RoadRunner.

Thank You all for responding, it warms my heart to feel accepted. Later today, around noonish, I'm going to O'Dunkin's Draught House with my Brother and his Wife for sandwiches and a couple of Pear Cider Ales. If any of ya wanna show up, lunch is on me. Having a delicious draft beer on Sunday is always a pleasant luxury to me as I think of what I would have been doing had I kept a hold of that iron rod while wearing a white shirt & tie and pretending to be something that I wasn't.

Great post Sunbeep.

As a natural introvert I so agree with you.

Didn't Joseph Smith say "it feels so good not to be trammeled?"

Mormonism wants us to believe that unless we are what they say we should be, then we are sh!t. Reject the church and we will become sh!t again. We will spin out of control and end up in the gutter.

Nah, we just end up relaxed.

Jesus wants you for a Sunbeep.

Life is good. :)

Sunbeep, your post reminds me of a talk my old stake president gave during priesthood session--probably twenty years ago.

He was going on about the evils of apostasy and how we must never stop going to church, paying tithing, fulfilling our callings, etc.

Then he said something that really struck me. He said "many of you young men think that you need to have a little more freedom than the church allows. That you need time and space to 'figure out who you are.' Let me tell you right now, if you don't know who you are, ask the person sitting next to you. I am sure he will be happy to tell you who you are."

No room for individuality in that group, no room for exploration or introspection. Blech!

I'm so to be out and living my own life!

sunbeep Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> Who are you?

It's hard to say. I based my major life decisions on asking myself what would the LDS church want me to do? There's no use going into details, but I'm stuck for the rest of my life in this hell. I look forward to death because I'm dead. There's no polygamist heaven, I'm not forced to be married to a man, I won't have sister wives. The agony will be over.

I am still relieved at times knowing Jesus doesn't hear my every thought, I don't have to waste my time and money on the church, and I can do small things for me without feeling it's wrong.

Interesting note on m census:
think it was in the 80-90’s there was this slow, unspoken development creep for home and visiting teachers to contend with, and no one wanted to frankly address it.

At that point in time, it was given to the higher members of the group— the usu “born in the covenant”, both spouses from active families and parents, missionaries, educated and more moneyed(vehicled), etc.
They had been “blessed” with the skill sets to deal with the growing number of people to visit— ones who did not return the call and home teach or visit.
So a rather limited few would “graciously” accept the calling and task because “more was expected from them, because they had been given so much”.
Times were always cut short because of the expanded itineraries!
It never was more than 4 per 2 teachers.
But now at 5 and occasionally a few more tells a story of serious attrition.
Because 2 visitors should visit 2 members or families, and there is nothing lost or gained. But when you double or triple that, that becomes stressful, and costly in terms of time and money.
Will say that our visiting teachers were super people, all, credit to them each.