Fuck it. The rich life would only weaken me as i have seen it do to others. Do i really want to turn into a general authority? Fuck no. I want them all to acknowledge my existence though, you made me now face the consequences. Some of them are still in the same positions from when i was a kid, damn dictators, fucking narcissistic bastards, that pretend to be righteous continually. Turn me into the bad guy. Fucking have a million meetings and conferences to pat each other on the back and continue their brainwashing. Cold weather makes me very hateful, i swear i would be living by the beach as a successful businessman right now if i wasn't born in the church. But all dreams die when you are raised in a cult. Life-sucking vultures, blood sucking vampires that never die living into their nineties while my friends died in their twenties. What is wrong with this picture? I can barely function in this weather why aren't the vitamins working yet.

Don't hold back, tell us what you REALLY think!

<grin>

Haha this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I’m BYU Boner, and I endorse the swearage!

Hahahahaha how does this shit get into my head every day boner? Its like a new suppressed thing rises to the surface.

It’s okay, you’ve never been around me when I loose. I tone it down for RfM! Your fellow cusser and wanker.

I don't know if i am going to make it boner but you have been one hell of a friend that is all i got to say. There are just too many things wrong with me, i don't think i could save my ass with a million dollars and i am being serious.

Badass, please write down the suicide prevention hotline. Call them. I’m worried about you right now. I’ve had friends who were suicide completes. Not you, Adam, for FUCK’S sake, NO!

Yell, swear, vent, get the fuck out of your place, and get around people. You’re scaring the shit out of me! I care deeply about you, Badass!!!!!!!

What can they really do besides lock me up? That just is not my style, been locked up before and don't want to do it again. Do i know mormonism is at the core of everything? Yep. Is there a pill on the planet that can fix the damage? Nope. I probably have atleast ten more years of counseling ahead of me. I never really feared death because i never really fit in in this life. If you are different you get locked up and that is a fact. I am tired of being locked up and i am tired of being in pain everyday and i am tired of being broke on top of it. Everyone has a right to die boner and i have friends on the other side waiting for me. There is not much i can do besides suffer i think. Unless this upcoming surgery turns things around i am f#cked. Family has cut me off from any help because i am against their church. There is a price for standing up for what you believe in and i paid a horrible price in life. Sometimes i wish there really was a real god that had honor but there isn't there is only the badass.

And don't worry i will probably live no matter what lord knows i have attempted in the past and failed. I think it was blocked personally, i had a perfect and peaceful death blocked now who would not be pissed about that, and so i have suffered everyday since trying to fix myself but it is fucking impossible i think maybe. Not a good suicide completer over here so i'll wake up tomorrow and continue to try and get my health back to normal just like every other day. And deprogram the nonsense in my head at the same time. I would bet that mormonism is the leading cause of suicide in the western states. It is that powerful of a mindfuck even after you leave.

Badass, thanks for responding! I’m hoping the neck surgery gives you relief. And, I agree, fuck the fuckin’ Morg. Keep safe, Adam!

I hope it works as well, setting it up has been a long process and now the cold weather is here and i am really paying for it like i thought i would. Been taking the right vitamins for all my deficiencies but i guess it takes a while for viamins to do something. I am probably going to get a cpap machine today because my nuerologist says i have sleep apnea. I guess i stop breathing during the night, i am exhausted in the morning so it definitely makes sense. Hopefully that machine will make a difference. But man this cold weather is brutal on the body. I need to make an escape plan to a hotter state.

getting out and getting some sun if there is some would probably help. There is sun here today and it isn't as cold as yesterday.

I think you will actually get to a point where you won't care what happens to those GAs, though I sure was happy when Boyd died. and also happy when the bishop of my teen years died this past summer.

I wished for years that something bad would happen to my ex and his boyfriend and when I quit caring whether they would break up, they did. Now that I don't want bad things to happen to my ex, they have. You actually do eventually get over the wishing they'd all get their just dues. I think they will. I think GAs and other leaders cling to life out of fear of what comes next. My dad wasn't afraid to die. My uncle, the SP, was horrified. Hinckley fighting cancer right to the end in his 90s. Sounds like he was afraid, too. His wife had died a few years before. All my dad would think about was to go be with my mom and died 2 months after she did.

No better reward than dying and finding out they aren't who they think they are. They obviously already know that it is all bullshit.

All dreams aren't gone. I thought that, too. NOTHING in my life has turned out the way I planned it. There is that old saying "Life is what happens while we are making plans." Yep. I never even thought about having twins. Many girls hope for it. I never even considered it. I had twins, boy/girl. It has been quite a ride, sometimes not so great. My dogs have been such a surprise to me. they are my best friends, all of them. Then having my old boyfriend come back into my life at age 47. At age 38, I was a huge mess all on up to age 47. I was very overweight (had always been too thin when younger). I lost weight when my boyfriend came back. Haven't lost it all, but quite a bit. I am 60 and I feel better at 60 than I ever did at 38 to 47. You never know what is to come. I love something Tom Hanks says in "Castaway." And I hoped for years that my boyfriend would come back and he did. It still shocks me.

I KNOW there will be better days for you. I know it. I don't know if there is a God--but most people on this board have found better days after leaving the church.

I have lost everything twice in my life and i am looking at cheaper places right now that are kind of in the ghetto. I am excited for the possibility of getting off of my d@mn street though. That will be a big deal i think. No more father no more mormon bullsh#t on my street. Even if i live in the ghetto i do not care.

Is there really a ghetto in Pocatello? Because even if there is, I still don't think you should aspire to living there.

Leaving the church aka cult doesn't mean to sacrifice your living standards. Not saying to live beyond your means. Only to find something that is self-respecting.

You've probably already seen this list, but these are some of the low income housing available in Pocatello. There are waiting lists for them, but it would be worth it. They look pretty nice.

https://www.lowincomehousing.us/ID/pocatello.html

Old town is the ghetto. I think i would sacrifice my living standards to get the fuck away from certain people at this point.

Old town is the ghetto? It could've fooled me last time I visited there. It's houses are some of the historic old homes there. Sure it's in the downtown area, but how is that really ghetto?

Does it get worse at night? By day it looks very ordinary to me. People go about their business, and the houses look okay for older homes.

The downtown supermarket (grocery store,) is one my family shopped at when I was a toddler, and pre-school. We must've either lived downtown or very near to there. The city's grown up around it.

Some of the homes are bearly standing, how do you not see it as a ghetto?

can be scary as hell - I've been there and lived to tell the tale - but when you look in the mirror and see a free man looking back, it will all be worth it.

Go for it, bro.

I was a few years older than you when I stood on my own two feet for the first time (after first marriage). There were times I felt so terrified, I wasn't sure I would make it. But somehow, each day, I got out of bed once again, and kept going.

And it has been worth all the scary, dark times. Imagine yourself, one day, many years from now, telling a scared young person, "I've been where you are. . ." and keep the song of freedom going.

There are definitely a lot of scary times but i know i am doing what i have to do to save my life. I am not doing this just to be free, people that think they are free really are not free and i don't want to make that same mistake, i am doing this because i am a dead man literally if i don't and i have experienced my brushes with death literally because of a cult even when i was out i was manipulated by family in a cult, this is mental warfare constantly not just against the cult but the way society wants you to think and keep you frozen in your place with television for example. Will i ever feel free? Probably not, maybe if i was a farmer making my own food then maybe, totally self-sustaining.

It's not too late to reinvent yourself. I went back to school in my mid-30s to change careers. It was tough, and I was desperately poor while I was in school and for some time after. But gradually over the years I have built a modest prosperity.

Don't worry about the Mormon elite. Many of them have built wealth and power over two generations or more. You may or may not get rich, but you can definitely build a prosperous life for yourself. Take the time to get well, and then get moving.

I am tired of reinventing myself, i have reinvented myself many times but i need to fix somethings before any reinvention which is what i have been doing.

It's time to grow up, Badassadam1.
Not everyone is perfect, including me and you.

What does growing up entail because i want to know. From what i have seen from grown-ups the badass is not impressed.

We never grow up... we just grow taller.

D@mn right. It kind of reminds me of what i said to my grandma once. I don't think i can grow anymore, been the same size for a long time.

Boeing is hiring thousands. Go work on West coast. Venice.

The white picket fence is tied more to the American dream as a whole, and not really a Mormon thing exclusively, or religion.

The mormon dream is to be slaves till death.

The GA or nothing more then modern day Pharisees!!!
Matthew 23
23 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faith. These you ought to have done, without leaving the others undone. 24 Blind guides, who strain out a gnat and swallow a camel!
25 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you cleanse the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of extortion and self-indulgence.[f] 26 Blind Pharisee, first cleanse the inside of the cup and dish, that the outside of them may be clean also.
27 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. 28 Even so you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

Wow, i don't think i have ever read or paid attention to those versus.

Badass,
What the hell is going on?

Don't worry about your friends on the other side. It is a myth remember this.

Spring is just around the corner. When are you getting your neck surgery? Main thing is to keep warm and toasty at all times. When I get cold to the bone, it is hard to shake it off.

I agree with moving. Your dad has seemed to be the bane of your existence living where you are. Maybe a new address, even if it is the ghetto, will help you have a new view on things? No feeling like they are spying on you.

Also, if you are indoors a lot and not getting enough sunshine, try vitamin D supplements. A lack of vit. D can make you feel like caca.

Everyone here at RfM loves you and wants you to be happy and succeed in what ever your endeavors may be. I believe in everything non-mormon that you WILL be happy someday, maybe meet a guy or girl who you can share life with and truly be a happy BADASSADAM!!! And who knows, you are still young (34) to maybe have a family of your own??? And the white pickett fence to boot! I am sure you are a lovable person. I enjoy your rants and posts....

I have a huge amount of neck issues and they wanna cut on me but I am afraid. My hands are numb most of the time, but I keep going.

Basically its cold and my body is suffering for it. Basically suffering is going on. Neck surgery is coming but keeps getting delayed so there is not a set date but it is definitely in the works just have to do the right things for insurance. It would be so awesome if i could repair myself but i can not with this neck problem. I have started vitamin D a few weeks ago but it needs to kick itself into gear still. I was pretty deficient on the blood test and deficient in iron and calcium. It makes sense because i am allergic to dairy and avoid it like a plague. I will probably get a cpap machine today for sleep apnea. F#ck i am getting stressed just thinking about it. And mormonism sh#t is still in my head, one side of the brain is programmed with the fantasy while the other side is logic against the fantasy. I am just in a weakened state and wish i had no pain issues at all.

Me too, Adam. Life goes on, one day at a time. You will survive. I did and I am much older than you. I have cried out for gawd to help me when I was in distress, numerous times-no answer. We are all we have in this life. If we have a friend here and there it also helps.

God is a disappointment if he even wants to exist still, never an answer, no healing of my body i had to pursue it all my fucking self, spent close to 90 grand in the last five years trying to fix my health issues and fucking survive. Have to deal with the mormon abuse constantly, never stop knocking on my fucking door. You would think they have done enough damage but nope they still keep beating you until you hand your money over to them. I know have a self-esteem somewhere to not deal with this shit anymore.

Well i am also glad i am not the only one that got no answer from god, the mormons made me feel hated and singled out like god had a grudge against me.

BADASS,
DO NOT hand over ANY Money to the morg. for any reason. You are contributing to temples being built. Your money is precious right now. Do not blow it on stupid church things. Please?

I am not giving them money but you get my point i was actually able to get the bishop to pay my rent this month, i have not officially resigned yet so you are a better person then me but i will, my name is on the record for survival purposes just in case of possibly getting some tithing back like i did this month. I am a traitor to myself for not resigning yet but i am not at full strength yet and i literally have nobody besides my counselor that gives a flying fuck in this town i do not need the extra drama of a resignation right now thats for sure.

I am glad you got your rent paid. What a huge plus for you. You are not a traitor to yourself, just being cautious. Let them help you all they can to prove their word on "caring" about you.

((((hugs)))) and :):):):)

cutekitty Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I am glad you got your rent paid. What a huge plus
> for you. You are not a traitor to yourself, just
> being cautious. Let them help you all they can to
> prove their word on "caring" about you.
>
> ((((hugs)))) and :):):):)

Are you telling me to smile??? I am at a doc appt. right now, will this never end?? It takes f#cking foorever to get healthy and out of pain. I didn't have a clue what it would take to get all things resolved and feel normal again.

One less worry for a few days. I think most people don't get the picket fence. There are so many things in life that people face and we often don't know they are. My mother's parents were both deaf and she was their oldest daughter. She learned to sign before she learned to talk. She was their voice the rest of their lives. Her childhood was NOT EASY. They were very poor. She was their voice even with her younger siblings. I didn't know that until she died and my aunt told me. She dealt out the discipline, etc., after her parents told her to do so. Then she got married, had 6 children. Her 5th child had a stroke at birth and the doctor never told her. He drank paint thinner at 18 months and got hit by a truck on his bike when he was 5. She worried herself sick over him the rest of her life. He is living on his own at age 52 in my parents' home, but we watch out for him. Then another brother had a stroke at 42 and has been disabled since. She lived with anxiety and depression. She worried herself sick. She never really had a time in life that wasn't a heavy load. She didn't get the picket fence and neither did her parents. Her father was the son of a polygamist.

If you look around, so many don't get the white picket fence, BUT there are good things along the way. I hope this neck surgery helps you with your pain. I do know when you have no money that you can't get the things you really need. I had to look for the "little miracles" in my life to make it here. This past week has been good to me where my daughter is concerned, although there will always be problems with her, but things are much better than they were. I feel lucky to be where I am.

As for God, I have a hard time with the whole idea, but I don't know anymore what to think. I look around at all the suffering and think "Who came up with this idea???" For me, it is easier to not worry about if there is a God anymore as I just don't know, but if there is, he has a lot to answer for.