I am curious if there are other singles out there that suffer from the "not enough" syndrome?

33, never married and no kids. In Utah my whole life... (I know, I'm a Utah Unicorn! haha)

Every time a breakup happens I suffer from the spiral of "not this enough, I wasn't that enough, I didn't do this enough..."

I left when I was 17... yet I can't shake that my shame and guilt of not feeling worthy or enough has stemmed from growing up brainwashed that I should be a dumb, silent, and physically perfect woman.

Am I the only one out there or am I on the right path of getting to the root of it all?

I am a nevermo but I would venture to say that you are not the only one out there :)

Me as well.
Never Mormon but never pretty or good enough.

At this late stage in life have begun to accept my 160IQ as the disability it is...when I was younger I didn't have the ability or willingness to act stupid to catch a man.

Thinking The Mormon who inspired me to find RFM might be The One was the answer. He beat me almost to death after using me for years.

Guess I'm not so smart after all.

TSCC is probably the most cruel to smart people. They have great capacity for compartmentalization and fooling themselves. The way this cult makes you treat yourself is just plain evil. Hijacking your soul for money. You were always good enough. Nobody can give you the give you the love you deny yourself. There, I mentioned TSCC’s teaching of self denial without a torrent of curse words. I must be having a good day. I only learned to love “being here” only after I left the church.

You might be trying too hard. Keep what you want in your mind, but don’t try to make it happen. Your subconscious, the part that cooperates with the hive mind, is more powerful than you think. Let it do its thing.

Age and IQ are advantages. CS Lewis didn't marry till late in life. His wife was everything to him. If you truly want a relationship, be open to it. Trust me. Not all men are typical.

You are not the only one i have a similar story. Left the church when i was 17 but came back at 29 and then left at 33 years old. The entire time not feeling enough for women because i did not serve a mission. I still don't quite have the confidence to date again yet. I am 34 never married with no children. Almost the same story. But i learned that i think i want to marry an athiest from my entire experience with mormon women.

WHY I married my gay "ex." There were many reasons. One was to get out from under the voyeurism of the leaders into our business. It was destroying me. I was 27 at the time I married someone gay. I actually can say I was pretty, but I didn't know that until I was in my 20s and worked with a bunch of men who boosted my ego. The bishop even said he couldn't figure out why I wasn't married. BUT I got off track--I thought a lot about why I married my ex and I told my therapist that I felt that there was something wrong with me and since there was something wrong with him, that he could accept me. That's how I felt about myself.

Like siobhan, I wasn't willing to act stupid to catch a guy. I didn't flirt. If I ever even tried to act like I was stupid, I hated myself later. I could have married 3 nonmormons before I was 27, but chose not to as God was going to bring my one and only. It was only required that I lived worthy to have that one and only. The joke was on me. The smart girls were the ones in the singles ward. Very intelligent and more attractive than many of my friends who married young. They just didn't put up with bullshit.

I was always trying to figure out what sin I was committing that I wasn't finding a husband. By the time my ex told me he had been cheating for 5 years, I had realized that it had nothing to do with me, him not being saved and me not being good enough to catch that perfect one and only.

I still set myself up for failure. I don't keep goals or anything EXCEPT with work as I get paid by lines of typing I do for hospitals and I always set myself up for so many lines a pay period and I very seldom meet the outlandish goals I set for myself (especially given the work goes from busy to not busy quite often and I have no control over that). I expect TOO much from myself and I've set myself up for everyone to expect too much from me.

But, for the most part, after what mormonsim did to me, I'm doing quite well and pleased that I've made it this far.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/25/2017 08:43PM by cl2.

IMHO everyone who was in a ward with 20/40 attendance with old people who remember the old glory days suffered the not good enough syndrome.

Don't give up hope. I didn't find the love of my life until 38. Definitely worth the wait.

Yes, OP, you are getting to the root of it all!

This is how the Mormon cult sucks people in, and keeps them sucked-in. Cult missionaries and leaders, first and foremost, make their victims feel inadequate, that they NEED to join and pay money to the cult. Victims are threatened, that if they do NOT join the cult, that they will be forever separated from their families, that they will burn in the second coming, etc. They are instructed that if they don't pay tithing, God will withdraw His blessings, and they will fail financially. My children and I have had many, many different Mormon leaders tell me these things, over the years. When you hear it that often, you start believing it:

"I am nothing without The Church."

Whole families believe this, so it becomes a group-hysteria way of thinking.

I went to a psychiatrist, who told me that low self-esteem is at the root of my depressed feelings. Blair Watson has a good essay, on how the Mormon church creates low self-esteem in its members--I wish I could copy it for you, but I'm not home to find it.

Already, by just being out there, you are demonstrating that you are brave, strong, and intelligent

Being single and 30 in the Mormon church can be rough! Have you ever thought that the reason you aren't married is that your instincts have always told you that you could not be happy married to a Mormon? And who make "perfect husbands" and who are you "supposed" to date? Mormon men! All the others are pushed aside into the crowd of "gentiles", who are all inferior to Mormons, right? You were taught that lie since childhood. You need to flush this lie out of your brainwashed brain! If you sincerely want to find a husband, move out of Utah!

I fell in love with a life-long friend, who was an Atheist. He was and is one of the most wonderful, interesting, genuine men I know, and we are still best friends. He asked me to marry him, when I was 18 (he was 23), and I wasn't ready yet for marriage. He married someone else soon after that. I was at BYU, and not finding any of the young men I dated to be interesting, or genuine. Most of them disrespected women. I didn't want a relationship with a man who believed in polygamy in heaven, and that women are inferior and can't have the priesthood, etc. This is not our fault, OP!

In graduate school, at another university, I reconnected with an amazing young man, from my home town, whom I had known from elementary through high school. We fell in love, but he was an Atheist, and when he left on sabbatical, my parents pushed a returned missionary onto me, who was the son of an important Mormon General Authority. I thought my parents knew him and his family, but they did not. The guy just conned them, and he conned me, too, and we got married within a few months. He beat me. Wow! Having someone almost kill me, nearly every day, for 10 months, took what little was left of my self-esteem. I didn't care if I lived or died.

Long story, but I divorced him, and disgraced my family, and had to move someplace safe, and far away, and start over. Now, in the Mormon Older Single Adults, I was over 30, and divorced. Single Mormon men would date me, and tell me that I was lucky to be invited by them, because I was "used merchandise." I actually married one of the men who told me that. I was soooo lucky that he condescended to propose marriage to me! I was saved from spinsterhood, which was the most horrible fate of all, according to my TBM family. In the next 12 years, I blessed them with some adorable children, to baptize into their cult. My new Mormon husband thought he was so wonderful, that he decided to give other women the privilege of sleeping with him, too. Repulsed, I divorced him, too.

Being single is underrated! Enjoy! Meet a variety of people--not just the men, but women, too, and make friends, first of all. See each person as an individual. A person is MORE than just their beliefs and their appearance. My old grandma gave me some good advice: "Don't marry anyone, unless they make your life better."

You deserve better!

Leaving the cult, and following your heart--that's a great start!

As a convert I never understood why everyone was trying to get me married off so soon and to so many loser guys. It took awhile before I figured out that Mormon women are considered incomplete until they are wives and then mothers. I never bought into that idea and went on my merry way having the life I wanted with no regrets. However, I heard horror stories from my educated Mormon "sisters". Their families told them they weren't married because they were too educated, to independent, too much better employed, too particular. I didn't hear a lot of "not enough" labels. Unless it was not dumb enough, or not eager enough, or not close enough to Utah. These comments just made no sense at all and made me laugh. If I had to be dumb, eager, and stuck in Utah to get married than I'd choose bachelorhood any day! So it worked both ways. You aren't married because you are either too much something or too little something. Mormon god sure has a weird prototype of the perfect woman. It's like the three bears: you can't be too large, too small, too hot, too cold. You gotta be JUST RIGHT. Problem is, every guy's idea of just right is different.

Holy shit. I am so glad I'm not alone... thank you everyone for your input. It's really helped me feel not so crazy. Lol even though I've been out for a long time, I still feel the tentacles reaching out and sliding off my shoulders. I avoid anything church-related like plague. Kind of hard to do when you live in Utah county. But, I'm doing my best. Continue to fight the not good enough or the too much. I do believe that the intelligent women get the shaft in the world of dating... not just Mormon dating. Intelligence and Independence seem to be man repellent around here!

I am the exact same way left the church when I was 17 kind of went back for a few months in my early twenties but got judged really harshly for a lot of things and didn't like having to follow such strict freakin rules then get treated like crap on top of it. I'm 27 never married no children haven't dated anyone in forever feel like there's not very many guys left they all get married off so quickly here. Ugh that's so stupid I am sorry Badass ya its super stupid that a lot of mormon girls wont give guys who haven't gone on missions a chance " oh I cant date you cause you didn't go recquit people to a stupid cult oh no!"

I really hate the mormon culture and how if your not married you tend to get shoved aside and I also never felt like I was good enough and would always hear Mormons talk about how I wasn't good enough in some form or another I never dressed myself cute enough with not enough makeup on looked like a slob, dressed myself up too cute wore way too much makeup looked like a whore, wasn't social enough, wasn't fun enough, wasn't funny enough wasn't serious, enough wasn't smart enough, wasn't ambitious enough, wasn't talented enough, wasn't chaste enough, wasn't spiritual enough you name it and I probably didn't do it enough!

I also felt like in Mormonism I needed to become something really amazing like either be super smart or super talented it felt like everyone pushed me to be SUPER smart SUPER talented and like my whole worth was based on those things and so id work really hard trying to accomplish some talent and in the end I just always felt like I failed and didn't do a good enough job and it made me feel very depressed and down on myself. Did anyone else ever feel this way? And ya once I left Mormonism I realized. Ya its great to accomplish a talent but its better to do it more for enjoyment or to bring enjoyment to others and try your best but if you never reach pro level not to beat yourself up. doing it and pushing yourself to the limit trying to get amazing at something just to prove your worth something isn't always healthy it actually just ended up causing me a lot of insecurity and stress.

Then one day I asked myself am I killing myself off trying to become marvelous for me? Or am I killing myself off trying to become marvelous for the Mormons so I can get them to shut up about how I am worthless and need to be accomplishing more in life? The answer was definitely the second one. So I stopped beating myself up about not being perfect and I actually felt a lot better. The stupid thing is a lot of these people who would put me down for not being accomplished enough in life aren't really all that much more accomplished than me....ugh

Also I forgot to add found out the true history of the church at age 24 and was like "what the hell!" Found out Joe was nuttin but a man ho & Brig was nuttin but a pig And was done for good for good haha and also there ls a episode of life with Lisa Ling on Mormons and they talk about this very subject actually and girls talk about how they felt bad about themselves because they aren't married and they talk about Mormons and perscription drug use its pretty interesting episode it used to be on netflix idk if its still on there or not though.

Oh, the failure. Yes, I'm still seeing a counselor trying to retrain my brain to get away from that automatic thought. Oh, you can sing, but not at the top of the pack: FAIL! Oh you tried eating better and going to the gym, but didn't lose an inch or pound: FAIL!

I got depressed from always trying and trying and feeling as if I didn't meet my own high-set expectations (Tryin for perfection, you know) I had failed.

Lucky for me, I have started to accept that I am perfectly imperfect. It's only taken 33 years to get there, but I know damn straight it's better than not getting there at all!

As a non-RM at BYU, I often heard the words "Yes, but..." In other words, the only acceptance I could find was qualified acceptance. I'd fallen hard for a girl in my junior year, but she dumped me for a guy who from all appearances was a dork. However, he was a dork with returned missionary credentials.
For a time, I struggled to become dorkier than the competition, and it pains me to admit that I succeeded. That is, I succeeded in becoming a dork. But I still couldn't catch a Mormon girl, which in retrospect was a blessing from god.

Following graduation and a nervous breakdown, I slowly began to re-invent myself as a non-Mormon. Lo and behold! the dorkiness faded, and girls began throwing themselves at me. The one I caught is Jewish, and we've lived happily together ever after. Our son, having never been LDS, has never experienced any problems with self-esteem.

My advice to any single exemormon women out there: Get as far away as you can from Utah County! And steer clear of singles dances. I know for a fact they are the happy hunting grounds for predatory males--even serial killers.

The community sow seeds of doubt in our minds.

Oh girl! I think many people struggle with feelings of inadequacy but it's especially pronounced in Mormonism. It's constantly taught to you from childhood that you are commanded to be perfect, God can't look on sin with the least bit of tolerance, any sin could potentially keep you from heaven, masturbating makes you the worst person in the world EVER, whatever you're doing you could be doing better, you should give everything to the church and nothing less will do, etc.
Of course those types of messages will teach a person they are not good enough even when they're doing their best. The church has a way of constantly implying you aren't doing enough so by the time a bishop or apostle gives some pat-on-the-head talk about "just do your best", you have more doubts about what your best really is and if you are indeed doing your best well enough.
My advice? I'm learning to tell myself when I feel inadequate "I'm doing the best I can with the skills I have at the time and that's good enough". Some people won't think I'm good enough but so what? They don't know my life, I do. I'm more capable than anyone else on this earth of determining if I'm good enough. The opinions of others are baseless. Rejection hurts but not as much when you realize they're judging you based on how they PERCEIVE, which isn't correct because they can't truly know you, only make assumptions. People are as short-sighted as their limited perspectives, which is why judging/rejecting others is tricky business. Learn the confidence of not allowing another person to assess your worth. Only YOU can assess yourself and judge fairly (which also takes developing a kind inner voice with yourself).
I believe you are good enough but my opinion doesn't matter. You must be the one who knows your worth. Then no one can make you question it. :)

You're definitely not alone. I suffered from it. I'm currently 35, never married and have no kids. Now that I'm out of the Morg, I'm okay with it, but I do have moments where I wonder if having a family is something I'll miss out on.
When I hit 30 (I left TSCC at 34) I constantly asked, "What's wrong with me that guys don't want to date me?" There were a few guys that had express their interest in getting to know me, but they would just string me along until a prettier "better" woman came along, and then dropped me like yesterday's trash. That would also make me wonder if I wasn't good enough.
There were a few men outside side of the Morg that expressed their interest in hanging out and getting to know me better, but I always turned them down thinking that I had to hold out for a Priesthood holder and temple marriage. In hindsight, I'm glad that I never found one.
Nowadays, II'm just doing my best to enjoy life after twelve years of neing locked inside the golden cage called Mormonism. Plus I was given a second chance at life (I'm a nine year cerebral hemorrhage suvivor) so I want to enjoy it on my own time and terms.
And if I'm supposed to have a life partner, then I'm sure he'll come along when the time is right. For now, I'm just going to fucus on loving life and loving myself.

In my BYU days I constantly felt that I was never good enough to be a member of the church. I couldn’t be perfect. I thought everyone else was.

And then, there was my sin of beating off. I promised the bishop I’d never touch myself again. I did this over and over again, but failed in my efforts. Once, on a spiritual high, I actually went a couple of weeks without making the bald bishop cry. But Satan took hold of my wiener and alas, I did stroke.

Of course, it never dawned on me that every other person was sinning too. The Morg has a wonderful way of controlling members through guilt and shame. And, I bought into it, but not anymore! Fuck the Morg and enjoy your body! The Boner.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/26/2017 06:27PM by BYU Boner.

BYU Boner Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> In my BYU days I constantly felt that I was never
> good enough to be a member of the church. I
> couldn’t be perfect. I thought everyone else
> was.

I'm glad that I was not the only one. I thought that everyone else in my ward was perfect, whereas I had a long way to go. Especially when many people would "look their nose up" at me.
So I would wear myself out spending outs studying the scriptures, praying hard, studying up on church material just to be on par with everyone else. It made me miserable.
As I got older, I realized that we are all imperfect people...even those Mormons who don't think/know they are. I would like to better myself as a person (not as a Mormon) but without the added guilt or pressure that Mormonism brings.

You are the key to your own happiness. There is no one better than you out there. You will never be good enough to anybody unless you believe that you are good enough and the world should take it or leave it.

There are so many people out there that struggle, and feel unworthy on so many levels. I realize that the shame and guilt from TSCC can shadow and destroy anyone for anything. Relationship failure, sexuality, spirituality... it's mind blowing.

I am grateful I got out when I did and was smart enough to realize I constantly felt like a square peg trying to fit a round hole. I can only imagine if I was trying to get out now vs 17.

I am so grateful for everyone's input and stories as well, it truly helps.

PS- Boner, I will never forget being disfellowshipped for my admission of such a sin at 15 to my bishop. Yes, 15.. And that was the beginning of the end. Why does something that feels so right have to be so wrong?

The answer for me was to keep plugging along ;) and ignore what "man" had to say about my relationship with my Higher Power. :)

Oh yay I'm happy for you! :) I'm glad your feeling happier :) "oh you can sing but not at the top of the pack" YES that's how I always felt in Mormonism like you just had to keep trying to be the best at everything and it got very tiring. And was very stressful. But now I have come to realize that there's always going to be someone who is better than me in... well almost everything pretty much lol but just as long as I try my best its ok not to have to be perfect. I think Mormonism really does teach you to set super high standards for yourself to be nearly perfect and that's just not always healthy.

And oh man boner you crack me up! Seriously though probably nearly every tbm masterbstes and they most of them probably feel terrible about it and thin there the only one who does it and in reality probably almost EVERYONE does it. Seriously its a normal healthy thing to do and its rediculous that tscc teaches its a sin...ugh

And YES I thought everyone in my ward was perfect except for me as well! That's probably how almost everyone feels in tscc except for the most righteous members who loved to tell me off they really ARE perfect lol

You will never be good enough...
for "them," that is.

EVER.

No matter how you look or what you accomplish, you could always have done it better, and are required to exhaust your self in the quest to please.

There is freedom in this realization.

"They" will judge & criticize because small minds need to grasp at something to keep from looking at their own s*it.

Re-Mind your self that you *are* good enough, exactly as you are!