Well, 6 Iron, I don't have the excuse of Mormon parents or being born into it. But, one of the reasons (in hindsight) why I joined the Morg was that it reinforced my already shitty self-esteem.
One feels inadequate, weird, different, and can't make friends--then comes the, "You're special, you're chosen, we love you..." And then you're making death covenants in the temple. But, then one figures it out and yells, "How, the fuck, could I have been SO stupid!" It's cathartic and cleansing. The next step is to fix the low self-esteem.
Let yourself off the hook, Bro. Kick back, enjoy the Leafs, have a Molsons, or two, cuss a little, and be glad you're out. The Boner.
Forced to attend meetings, housed in basements and garages. The church got their pound of flesh while I grew up in false poverty (I was poor, my father was a white collar administrator). He gave a lot of extra cash to the church in the form of building and temple funds while my stomach made painful noises at school. How do you think that affected my self-esteem?
That goes through my head all the time, never forget and never forgave. My family was middle class in income but i lived in poverty, how the f#ck does that happen? Even when i had a decent amount of money in life i still felt poor, that mentallity sticks forever.
And when I was old enough to earn my own money, my Mormon family members belittled my work. I know my father was behind it. He'd lost control over my pockets, which were now full for the first time. I don't know why I put up with that treatment. I grew up wishing for parents who cared. It was hard to let go of my fantasy. A narcissist-led family doesn't care for its scapegoats. Golden children gloat and boast while the scapegoats are pushed out.
At the moment I left the Church, I realized that during my entire 30 years of membership, I had never felt very good about myself. I'd finally made the connection between that and the Church.
I thought, "Why am I doing that to myself? I should just leave," and so I did.
The moment I left, just in taking back the power of my own life, my self-esteem began to heal.
I don't know if i ever had a self-esteem if i did it definitely went down to zero in the church early in life but i thought that that was the way it was supposed to be. Just another head in the crowd of sheeple taking my money it felt like. Like a brainless factory hitting you over and over in the head with sacrament and songs until there is nothing left. I still have self-esteem probems i can barely hold a legit conversation with somebody and with women i am even worse. My entire life is recorded in my head i swear even all the singing as a kid and being totally clueless to the cult rituals around me. That sh#t was not my fault i don't care what anybody says i started to feel that something was very wrong with the organization but it became an even scarier monster later in life.
No, not really, but then I think Im just 'hardwired' with good self-esteem. Never had a day in my life that I didn't like or respect myself.
That said, for me, what kept knawing at me when I was LDS was I just couldn't believe the more crazy doctrines and I couldn't keep twisting my mind to make those doctrines "ok".
So my self broke. So, though it didn't damage my self-esteem, it bothered my conscience and need for honesty and integrity, BIG time
I wish i was hardwired like that, i definitely don't like the guy stareing at me in the mirror atleast not yet. Do you self talk or anything? Like positive self talk or something? I don't know what i am saying.
Badassadam1 Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > I wish i was hardwired like that, i definitely > don't like the guy stareing at me in the mirror > atleast not yet. Do you self talk or anything? > Like positive self talk or something? I don't > know what i am saying.
Sure I think we all self-talk, though for me, it's not about raising my self-esteem, it's usually trying to solve something or make sense of something. I'm very logical, and many things in life, especially people's behavior, are illogical, myself included.
I know how much of a struggle it is for others, like you, who don't find good self-esteem something that comes naturally. Many in my family are like that, too. If anything, I'm the odd one out in that, that is why I think it's a "hardwiring" DNA thing.
Wishing you nothing but the best Adam, and I hope you give yourself the greatest gift you can, by being your BEST friend, and not one of your worst enemies.
I just knew my life would be totally awesome if I could just stop pulling taffy. I even bought lottery tickets to prove it, but Little Joe always won out.
Babyloncansuckit Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > I just knew my life would be totally awesome if I > could just stop pulling taffy. I even bought > lottery tickets to prove it, but Little Joe always > won out.
Retrospect and reflecting on the past and sorting out my life and trying to figure out why I did what I did....all evidence points to being severely affected throughout my life by the church insisting that I was worthless as a person because I didn't quietly, reverently obey.
Hard as hell to know this and even harder to try to overcome the effects and damage to my soul...
Mormonism obliterated my self-esteem at a very young age. All that damned perfectionism was just too much. It created the perfect environment for depression and anxiety in me.
Mormonism makes it clear that our default position is the "natural man who is an ENEMY to God," and they have the means to fix us--the only means. Starting your life with this idea in mind pretty much leaves us in the Mormon rip tide of striving for perfection but never quite making it to shore as your natural self drags you out again.
However, as a TBM the indoctrination was a great success on me and I never thought for a moment my self esteem was being damaged by them. I was all too willing to accept all the blame for everything.
On one hand, the mormon machine boosted my self-esteem. I was always being told I'd be a great leader, I was given self-important positions (I was leader of all of the 'minor' priesthood quorums, MIA, etc.), and told what a great job I was doing. I was pumped up and felt self-important about my 'priesthood power.' Usually at the expense of others (which I should have noticed, but didn't until later). It fed my self-esteem and my ego. It made me think that if I stayed obedient and faithful, I'd continue to get more accolades, more power, more authority to rule over others.
And then I'd go into a bishop interview, and be reminded what an awful person I was because I French-kissed my girlfriend, or dared to date a non-mormon, or worked one Sunday night when Jack-in-the-Box called and needed an emergency fill-in. How, despite all the accolades I got, these minor infractions would lead me straight down the road to hell, and strip me of all my 'priesthood power.'
Looking back, it's a classic cult tactic: build you up with praise, tear you down, and make you wish for the praise again. Get you so you'll do anything -- ANYTHING -- to have them praise you again. Repeat the cycle over and over and over until you think the cult is the only source of praise in the world, and that anything you do to get criticized is so painful for losing their approval.
But at the time, all it did was make me one confused and conflicted teenager. Sometimes I fell for their tactics, sometimes I didn't. The guilt when I didn't would sometimes nearly overwhelm me...and I'd go crawling back in shame. One of the things that helped me leave was recognizing the tactic, and finding that people not in the cult loved and appreciated me -- whether I acted exactly how they wanted me to or not. It was a hard but welcome lesson to learn.
"Looking back, it's a classic cult tactic: build you up with praise, tear you down, and make you wish for the praise again. Get you so you'll do anything -- ANYTHING -- to have them praise you again. Repeat the cycle over and over and over until you think the cult is the only source of praise in the world, and that anything you do to get criticized is so painful for losing their approval....One of the things that helped me leave was recognizing the tactic...."
My first boss after graduating did that to me. I started looking for a new job once I saw the cycle repeating. I'd like to think I'd do same if it were my church or religious leaders doing it.
What self esteem? Oh wait, I remember. That's the mental state I had before I was 10 years old. That was before my father made sure I knew every day that my role in life was to find a husband and that I was probably going to be a failure because I was chunky and had zits.
I think I was 15 when a professor he worked with told him that if you drink yeast every day it will clear up acne (that's one of the things they know now AGGRIVATES acne). So he would mix yeast with orange juice every morning and stand there to watch me and make sure I drank it. Then I'd be burping it all day. It was horrible and abusive. One day I spit it out (not on purpose) and he slapped me and yelled "how do you ever expect to find a husband with a face like THAT?
Don't EVEN get me going about what the mormon guilt trips and my disgusting patriarchal blessing did to my psyche. So yeah, self-esteem was a foreign concept to me until I was about 40.
Sometimes on the way home from church, I'd just start crying and not understand why. I just always had this insurmountable feeling that I would never be as good as every one else and that there was something really wrong with me.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/16/2017 03:04PM by saucie.
My dad was always looking for recognition among the older fuddy-duddies that ran PH. He wanted to somehow impress those worthless bastards. Dad (who had been inactive for a good portion of my Aaronic Priesthood days) was proud that I had been recognized for my HS grades and community service. No other youth in the ward had been recognized for such a prestigious award. So after waving his hand repeatedly, the counselor finally acknowledged my dad. "What do want, Brother Goop? We're running behind today."
"My son, Messy, received a special award from the HS and.." The annoyed counselor interrupted him and I thought I was going to be asked to stand up or hear some words of praise. The counselor uttered "Uh, I suppose that's nice, but what we really need to hear is the report from yesterday's farm service project. Is Brother Dewmore here? There you are. Can you stand up and give the brethren a quick report of how the service project went yesterday?"
And that was how the church routinely snuffed out any feeling of self-worth in a conform or cast out society.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/16/2017 05:24PM by messygoop.