Recovery Board  : RfM
Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum. 
Go to Topic: PreviousNext
Go to: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In
Posted by: Anon for this One ( )
Date: October 05, 2017 06:29PM

That's what I miss the most. The religion, dressing up on Sundays, pantyhose, meh.

But the ward parties, potlucks, get-togethers with nice people (and the people in our ward were mostly nice) - I do miss those.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: October 05, 2017 06:46PM

I miss playing pool between priesthood and Sunday school with the other priests.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: sharapata ( )
Date: October 05, 2017 07:17PM

Yes, but you must realize that the Mormon church doesn't not have a monopoly on community. If that is what's important to you, there are other churches and organizations where you can find a similar, if not better, sense of community than the Mormon church. The Mormon community, IMHO, has far too much BS to contend with and your acceptance within that community is absolutely conditional on how you are perceived and judged in terms of worthiness, callings, marital status, money, etc. The Mormon community, though I agree is nice in some ways, got far too exhausting constantly worrying what others thought about me, because that's what it all seems to be about.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: want2bx ( )
Date: October 05, 2017 07:52PM

I miss the sense of community that the church used to have. When I left the church over three years ago, the sense of community didn't exist anymore and hadn't for a long time. Otherwise, I may have had a reason to stay.

That was my experience in Utah, so maybe it's different elsewhere.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: OP ( )
Date: October 06, 2017 03:13AM

I can't quite convince myself that it was all an illusion. My very first ward, in an entirely different part of the country, was very MUCH like an extended family. Whatever happened, they were there for you.

I've tried a few other churches, and the cliques are already pretty well-set there. The same in the senior centers.

I'm not much at "selling myself." Not the razzle-dazzle, retail type. Not that I can't do that; I had to for thirty years, in my job. but the (. . ."and it's - SHOWTIME!") creature that bursts from the curtain isn't really me. If you like HER, you will be disappointed with me.

My lifetime longtime best friends have died or become severely incapacitated. I can no longer turn to them.

It's kind of lonely out here.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: notmonotloggedin ( )
Date: October 06, 2017 09:19AM

You have to put in some effort to be part of a "community". Some of us, especially introverts, might have a more difficult time doing this. It's just a fact of life.

Bemoaning that you don't automatically have that as a result of leaving Mormonism is, in reality, rather foolish. Would you be willing to ignore all that you know for the sake of feeling part of that community? Push yourself to find other ways to relate to the world.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: spiritist ( )
Date: October 05, 2017 07:53PM

I don't miss the 'sense of community' because I have much more time to devote to improving the 'communities' I didn't have as much time for as a Mormon.

My 'communities' now are various 'gym communities' and various 'hobby communities'. My 'various communities' may be smaller but much more enjoyable and satisfying!

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: badassadam ( )
Date: October 05, 2017 08:00PM

It was a false sense of community when i left. I dont think real communities exist anymore like they did in the 90's.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: smirkorama ( )
Date: October 05, 2017 08:22PM

Anon for this One Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> That's what I miss the most.

That is what LDS inc was counting on !!!!!

MORmONISM is a very very expensive unmentionable secret hand shake social club support group .......SUPPORT AT WHAT COST!!!!!!

MORmON Members are supposed to stop short of doing all the calculations to see that MORmONISM is way TOO expensive.

And that MORmON style "support" is really devastating /devastation when everything gets factored out.

Support from other sources is supposed to be meaningless because it can not provide all critical "salvation" / "exaltation" as part of their supposedly inferior package.

MORmONISM insisted that MORmONISM was critical, crucial, and indispensable in my life.

MORmONISM was WRONG !!!!

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: badassadam ( )
Date: October 05, 2017 08:29PM

Still can't believe i was in a cult that entire time. I am so disappointed and pissed off at my family nobody has a clue. My life was literally ruined because they made me the bad guy scapegoat.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: druid ( )
Date: October 05, 2017 10:43PM

That is still my major piss off also. Being the bad guy, being excluded, being judged as morally depraved or under the power of an imaginary demonic satan.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: anonuk ( )
Date: October 06, 2017 04:28AM

having all your opinions, whether informed or educated, or based on direct experience, dismissed as irrelevant due to your apostacy? hate that. the frustration with this attitude can become unbearable if you let it. What is worst is their denial of behaving or thinking in this way, imo, although we once thought and behaved in the same way, our thoughts and feelings are again dismissed as irrelevant. You are no longer deluded, but they still are, unfortunately.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: anybody ( )
Date: October 05, 2017 09:04PM


Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Goldros ( )
Date: October 05, 2017 09:32PM

No, because the community was pretty fake.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: luckylucas ( )
Date: October 05, 2017 09:34PM

No, because I have met some great people in college this year :)

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Greyfort ( )
Date: October 05, 2017 09:39PM

I did for a long time, until I did try to get together with my old friends a few times and sadly realized that I just didn't fit in with them anymore at all.

All they can talk about is the Church. It's like the only thing they all have in common.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: smirkorama ( )
Date: October 05, 2017 11:32PM

Greyfort Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> All they can talk about is the Church. It's like
> the only thing they all have in common.

I think of all the old family get togethers and reunions on the MORmON side of the family, and how church related topics and influence totally dominated EVERY aspect of what went on. when people were going on a mission, or coming home, or getting married, or going to THE temple, or who has what church calling, on and on


MORmONS are SO DAMN BORING !!!!!

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Amyjo ( )
Date: October 05, 2017 10:27PM

Not THAT community, no.

If you miss/want community there are other different communities out there to fit in with, belong to, feel like an extended family, etc, without the dysfunction of Mormon.

It takes effort on your part to smoke them out.

Where I've been going for the past half dozen years is more than enough community for me. There are always events and activities going on if I wanted "more" to involve myself with. Happily I haven't felt that need, but I know if ever I do it is there.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: steve benson ( )
Date: October 05, 2017 10:58PM


Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: October 05, 2017 11:09PM

Such as it Was (filled to the Brim with Ultra-Judgmental individuals), yes, but:

Some members NEVER missed an opportunity to be Holier Than Thou!

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: The Voice of Reason ( )
Date: October 06, 2017 12:33AM

"No. Fuck no."

Tony Montana

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Dave the Atheist ( )
Date: October 06, 2017 08:26AM

I wanted nothing to do with their so called "community".

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: ificouldhietokolob ( )
Date: October 06, 2017 08:31AM

Nah.
Yes, there were some "nice" people. There were also a bunch of self-important asses, a bunch of tattle-tales, busybodies, and ignorant oafs. All tied together by a harmful cult of nonsense.

I found a better "community." One where you can talk about, discuss, and doubt anything. One where people who like you like you whether you go to their church (if they have one) or not. One that values knowledge instead of obedience.

It's called the rest of the world who are not mormons.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Atari ( )
Date: October 06, 2017 08:31AM

I used to miss it a lot, but I found other groups that provide that for me. I coach and play flag football and it really does fulfill that need for me way better than the church ever did. What is something you enjoy doing? There are usually other people out there that like the same thing.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: snowball ( )
Date: October 06, 2017 09:08AM

This can be a challenging aspect of leaving the LDS Church. We had so much accumulated "social capital" in that world. We understood how it worked, and to a varying extent knew how we fit into it.

But as Steve Benson pointed out, we also don't fit in there anymore, and when I'm at a Mormon gathering that becomes clear again. As other posters noted, it can help to find other communities. This may be difficult to figure out at first, but it can be done.

It may not be one thing. It may be a music group, and a sports team, and a new church. Or it may be one group that you throw yourself into. That's for us to decide.

We can become part of other groups. These groups don't interview us for worthiness, require home/visiting teaching, and generally the dues expected are not 10% of your gross income--unless it's a super fancy country club--but you know...

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: azsteve ( )
Date: October 06, 2017 09:28AM

My best friends now are all my best friends from when we were all in the Teachers and Priests quorum and going to highschool and church activities together, lasting for over four decades now. Most of us do not go to church anymore. One friends tells me that for him, the church is "obsolete". Another friend was excommunicated and has given up on trying to live up to the church's expectations, I resigned, and others are just inactive. We all still have friendships with active church members from that same group. One of them was a Bishop for a while. But I am pretty sure that at least for the core of my lifelong friendships, the friendships supercede any connection to the church in most cases, and I know which of them don't.

Aside from the friendships described above, I've become somewhat of a hermit compared to my former life as an active church member. I also do charity work and have some more superficial friends there and at work. I've got a sweetheart that I have a daily life together with. My point is that you don't necessarily need to re-build a social life much like what you had in the church. It probably isn't possible unless you could regain your youth and then join another cult. You can build just what you need for your social needs now through other ways to meet the same needs. If you feel isolated, learn how to open up to non-members.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Ex-CultMember ( )
Date: October 06, 2017 09:08PM

I did, until I found a new and better one to replace it.

My wife made a ton of friends at graduate school and years later we are all still really good friends hanging out on a regular basis.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: anagrammy ( )
Date: October 06, 2017 09:37PM

If you went back to your old ward today, you would be very surprised.

The kitchens are no longer for food preparation and most of the activities we look back on with nostalgia are long gone.

Green and Gold Balls

Halloween Party where bishopric dressed up as women

Road Shows

Boy Scout events where whole ward turned out

Relief Society fundraising events to support YA or Boy Scouts or MIA

As they used to say, you can never go home again. What we miss is what they used to call the community, organized around The Grange. It's a form of socializing enjoyed by a couple of hundred people who considered themselves neighbors.

There is no secular corollary in today's world. People organize in interest groups online and only meet one another at conventions. I'm serious. Interested in buttons? There's a button convention.....



Kathleen

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: saucie ( )
Date: October 06, 2017 09:43PM

No, as much as I loved the people in my ward, my anger at the church far outweighed any love I had for them.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: frankie ( )
Date: October 06, 2017 10:02PM

no I don't miss the sense of community, because I never "belonged" in the Mormon church to begin with. I grew up in texas where all of the Mormons seemed weird to me. they were all from Utah and not texas, and always longed for Utah as it was the promised land. I had never been to Utah.

from my point of view, the were weird, with terrible accents, lots of kids and weird underwear. I never wanted to be like them

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: dogblogger ( )
Date: October 06, 2017 10:33PM

Outside of scouts at 12 and 13 it was never my community. My interests and they're never overlapped

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: donbagley ( )
Date: October 08, 2017 07:38PM

Same here. Boy scouting at age twelve and thirteen was the only "Mormon" thing I ever loved.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Red ( )
Date: October 06, 2017 11:00PM

No. And by that I mean hell no. And fuck no. Mother fucking, no, I hated every last god damn second I had to engage with the 90% of the ward I couldn't stand. But Gaaaawd required me to do it, so I grit my teeth, and did it. Once I figured that it was all a steaming pile of horseshit, I no longer had to.

I don't care for 90-99% of social interactions, church being by far the worst. Since I'm out, fuck that, never again.

Sorry, but I had to be myself on this one.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: thingsithink ( )
Date: October 06, 2017 11:21PM

Thanks for that. That felt good.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: cl2 ( )
Date: October 06, 2017 11:19PM

Going to church was very difficult for me. To me, it was forced friendship. My ex always would force me to go to dinners, etc., and I just wanted to go home. I tried, but it just wasn't comfortable. The mormons actually treat me pretty good around here. There are those few . . . My daughter used to get angry at me because I wouldn't go walking with some of the women or go to their exercise classes each morning, etc. I knew them all. I like to go walking, etc., alone. I pick and choose who I want to spend my time with very carefully.

I went because I believed and for no other reason. I hated the rest of it. I would go in and stand in a corner and wait for the meetings to begin even when I had my little twins to take care of. People would come and talk to me all the time, but I didn't go talk to them.

I'm relieved I don't have to do that anymore. I haven't been active mormon for 22 years or more. I can't believe it. What a relief!!!

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Breeze ( )
Date: October 07, 2017 02:28AM

The OP writes:

"I'm not much at "selling myself." Not the razzle-dazzle, retail type. Not that I can't do that; I had to for thirty years, in my job. but the (. . ."and it's - SHOWTIME!") creature that bursts from the curtain isn't really me. If you like HER, you will be disappointed with me."

That's me--pretending to be an extrovert, when I'm an introvert (a bookworm) at heart. My callings forced me to perform on the piano and organ, and lead singing groups, etc. All this took too much energy! I haven't played the organ, since I resigned, and rarely touch the piano. The cult ruined music for me.

I like what Spiritist said about communities. You don't have to belong to ONE huge community. It's more normal to belong to several, based on your interests and hobbies and charity work.

You are free to redefine "community." My cousins are a "community." My old childhood friends are another "community." People in line at the grocery store are "community." My doctors are a "community" of people who help me.

Just today, three of us in line had a conversation with the cashier and bagger, about how lovely Fall is, and how it is our favorite time of year. That's community.

This afternoon the local elementary school had a carnival, and I went to it alone, and wandered around for a while, and enjoyed watching the children. Was I "alone"? Was I part of the community? It depends on your point of view.

Op used the term: "SENSE of community." Yes, the Mormon "community" is FAKE. We just woke up, that's all.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: waunderdog ( )
Date: October 07, 2017 11:36AM

I grew up "in the field" where the only time I saw other Mormons was at church, under its controlled conditions. There wasn't time for "community," just indoctrination.

Then the family moved to Utah. Mormons everywhere, but since I had grown up outside Utah Mormon culture, I was treated like an outsider. Also, I was starting to doubt the whole Mormon thing and didn't particularly want the church to be my social hub.

I found a bit of community when I went off to Utah State University and fell in with others like myself. We could build our own social lives without the church butting in. (It tried, but we ignored it.)

Then I returned to "the field" when I finished school and in no way was the church ever my community again. My community is made of people I actually like and relate to, not people who by accident of birth, the coincidence of residence, and some shared delusions were my allotted "friends."

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: October 07, 2017 11:47AM

Regarding 'community', I once again offer the old Mexican saying I learned at the cartel school, "Más vale solo que mal acompañado."*



"It's better to be alone than in bad company"

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Pooped ( )
Date: October 08, 2017 01:11PM

That's why I don't miss it. The company wasn't really so bad as it was clueless. I could never have a truly intelligent and deep conversation about anything substantial with the twits in my wards. Nice people, yes. Informed, no.

However, on my mission we were a close knit bunch. And with so much wasted time on our hands we often got into some relevant and thought provoking conversations on various subjects even if they had nothing to do with religion. Being far from home we missionaries reached out to one another in a way my ward members never did. I miss that and am grateful for the support I was given during those days. So sorry many of you had torturous missions.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: saucie ( )
Date: October 08, 2017 07:35PM

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Regarding 'community', I once again offer the old
> Mexican saying I learned at the cartel school,
> "Más vale solo que mal acompañado."*
>
>
>
> "It's better to be alone than in bad company"


The cartel school said the opposite. I'm telling on you.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: SusieQ#1 ( )
Date: October 08, 2017 06:41PM

Leaving the LDS Church is like leaving high school. It was fun, there were good dances, some nice parties, some friends, some rotten nonsense, a lot of pressure, but 99% of it does not continue into the rest of adulthood. The community is finished.
I like to think I outgrew the LDS Church. Matured. Grew Up. No longer needing constant reminders of how to think, dress, etc. with demands on my time and money.
Time to move on. Keep the good, leave the bad, and get on living as an independent, free thinking adult!
Lots of other communities out there that are much more fulfilling for those that find special interests and friends.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: donbagley ( )
Date: October 08, 2017 07:37PM

I see more community here than I ever did there.

Options: ReplyQuote
Go to Topic: PreviousNext
Go to: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In


Screen Name: 
Your Email (optional): 
Subject: 
Spam prevention:
Please, enter the code that you see below in the input field. This is for blocking bots that try to post this form automatically.
 **    **  **     **  ********   **     **  **    ** 
  **  **    **   **   **     **  **     **  ***   ** 
   ****      ** **    **     **  **     **  ****  ** 
    **        ***     ********   **     **  ** ** ** 
    **       ** **    **     **  **     **  **  **** 
    **      **   **   **     **  **     **  **   *** 
    **     **     **  ********    *******   **    **