If you knew a young, vulnerable woman engaged to an "over the top" Christian man, who was systematically isolating from her friends and family yet so far has done nothing overtly harmful, what would you do?

He has the earmarks of a control freak. He uses his Christian point of view to tell her who and what is good for her. My fear is that she will marry him. He will continue to control who she has contact with and ultimately totally isolate her and become abusive. When I hear stalkers and abusers described, and how the relationship develops, the pattern is right there.

Any suggestions?

Edit to add that she is NOT a family member.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/22/2017 01:58AM by auntsukey.

If she has a TBM-style testimony of the image she has of their future together, it's unlikely you can do anything, other than, in six months, shake your head at how wrong you were, or start thinking of ways to be there if she decides to get out from under his controlling thumb.

I would be worried as well.

Isolation of one of the parties in a relationship is a first step in many different kinds of dangerous interpersonal relationships.

How much does this young woman know about this man's background?

His former male/female relationships?

His family relationships?

Does he have a criminal record (even if it is a sealed, juvenile record)?

Does he have a history of setting fires, wetting the bed, or abusing animals?

Is he belligerent, verbally abusive, or does he get enraged with strangers who are driving in his proximity, restaurant employees or store clerks, or kids or other people around him that he finds annoying?

Does he expect that he will be the dominant person in a possible future marriage? The "lord" (in a Christian family sense) that she should obey, defer to, and keep happy, no matter what?

He is already disrespecting her as a human being, as an adult, and as a woman, and this pattern is highly unlikely to change in any positive direction in the future.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/22/2017 02:33AM by Tevai.

I echo Tevai’s concerns. Unfortunately, love tends to put rose-colored lenses on folks. As a friend, you can casually ask a few questions, but be prepared to get “twitterpated” responses. The isolation component, itself, is a big red flag. Maybe, that’s the place to ask some gentle questions—“I miss our friendship, can we get together? Are you okay with him not allowing friendships, etc...”

I saw that happen once. The girl was of legal age, so of course nobody could stop her. But the guy basically did all kinds of things to divide her from her very loving and caring family. None of them were religious, so that wasn't a factor.

Fortunately, she wasn't a total wimp and she divorced him eventually. He was having an affair, and there didn't appear to be the danger so much of him wanting to cling on to her. But it was too bad that she wasted so many years and was so unhappy.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/23/2017 12:01PM by seekyr.

This is the gist of good approaches:

https://www.glamour.com/story/the-exact-words-that-could-help-a-friend-in-an-abusive-relationship

These are general info for readers:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/10/13/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/early-signs-of-an-abusive-relationship_us_588e6c63e4b06364bb1e2730

I can understand why you're worried about your friend but its

been my experience that unless she askes you for advice she's

not interested in getting it. I wish her well and I hope this

guy doesn't turn out to be a nightmare controler .

My Relief Society visiting teachers tried to warn me in advance of my marrying my ex-husband. They were both married to inactive Mormons and described how difficult it was for them and their children to be hitched to non-believing spouses.

My ex was a non-practicing Catholic, which was two strikes against him.

He was religion aside, very controlling which was something they did not know as they hadn't met him before we were married.

If I had taken their advice I might've saved myself a ton of grief. It would have been for the wrong reasons though, because based on our religious differences that wasn't the real reason we were incompatible.

Except maybe for our being "unequally yoked." That was partly why.

You can't tell the young woman what to do, because she's going to follow her heart. She'll find out soon enough if he's overly controlling or abusive. Maybe let her know you're there to offer support should she need it down the road.

She may wake up before they marry, and call the whole thing off.

I would tell her that engaged/married women should make a special effort to stay close to loving family members and friends, and that she shouldn't get so wrapped up in her relationship with her fiancé, or his opinions, that she neglects her prior relationships. Tell her that is a big mistake that women can make.