There's been a lot of discussion on this board about Mormon weddings, how we ex-Mormons aren't good enough to be invited to the wedding but they're more than happy to have us bring them presents at the reception.

Believe it or not, they've gotten worse. My husband and I recently got a wedding announcement for the daughter of a friend of mine. That was it - an announcement. Not even an invitation to a reception.

The announcement has the names of the bride and groom, the date and place of their wedding (which occurred several weeks previously and was not in the temple), and the names of the parents. At the bottom of the announcement were directions to their gift registry on Amazon.com. That's it!

I was wondering if maybe the couple eloped, or if an unexpected pregnancy necessitated the wedding. But no. I looked them up on Facebook and there were lots of pictures of a well-planned wedding, and there's no way they bride could have been pregnant in the very tight dress she was wearing.

I know I won't ever be invited to a temple wedding, but at least we usually get stale cookies and Kool-Aid in the cultural hall when we hand over the expected gift underneath the basketball hoop. But nope, not even good enough for that.

I had a couple of great suggestions for gifts from coworkers. One suggested stamping the announcement "Unpaid" and sending it back. Someone else suggested sending them eclipse glasses. (If the wedding has already happened, when not send them items for an event that already happened?"

My husband thinks that the couple wasn't satisfied with the gifts they received at their wedding so they decided to send out another set of announcements to the second tier friends of the family to improve their haul. I believe that the lowest common denominator of bad taste has once again been lowered. Needless to say we will NOT be sending a gift!

Eclipse glasses! That is so funny!!!!
:D

Very funny +++++

I hate mormon weddings, they used it to supress me and feel superior, that will not fly now.

A possible reply letter:

"How nice! Congratulations on your wedding!

Had I known about, and been invited to, the reception...I might have brought a gift. As it's too late for that, and since clearly you didn't want me at your reception, I'll instead spend the money on something nice for myself, and just send you my best wishes.

Regards,
bezoar"

"…the Democratic Party…"

I wouldn't send a joke gift. If you don't really know the couple or don't want to send them anything, just ignore the announcement.

If you know the couple well enough to want to help them out, then send them something useful, not necessarily something on their registry.

Or, if you're feeling snarky, a copy of Sagan's "The Demon Haunted World" would be a nice touch.

You're a better person than I am. I was all for sending a joke gift but my husband wouldn't let me.

IIRC, my nieces' and nephew's wedding announcements that were sent to us were like that; my brother knew we wouldn't hike to Utah for that BS so they probably didn't care what we thought about it.

It didn't bug me much because I knew it was par for the TBM course.

And I "forgot" to send a wedding gift. oops.

I would send the announcement back with a note back saying you are making a donation in their honor to SAPGT---Society Against the Prevention of Greed and Tackiness.

Ignore them. We received a reception invitation last month. We had no idea who the bride and groom were. We finally figured out it was the son of an lds couple about 8 houses down that walks their dog past our house every evening. We've talked to them maybe a dozen times while we're outside in the yard. We pet their dog and my wife gave him a few dog treats on occasion. That's the full extent of our interactions. I'd be embarrassed to send invitations to a neighbor we barely know and never met their kid. Mormons are greedy.

Yes, growing up many times brides/grooms would take the Ward Directory and send invitations (to the reception) to all the ward members. Especially when they still live with their parents, or had just moved out recently for college or come home from a mission.

I didn't want to invite the entire ward because I didn't want a large reception and since I was marrying a non-member, I didn't want any negative remarks about it from the members. Maybe I underestimated them, I don't know. At least one neighbor did say they were sad that they were not invited to my parents afterward.

Yes. A new low has been established. Can't say I'm surprised.

These weren't Mormons but I think it's pretty bad anyway:

A couple put the wedding registry on their wedding announcements and then added that if all the gifts had been spoken for, the invited guest could contribute to the honeymoon by sending cash to a named bank account.

This may be old fashioned etiquette but the bride's side of the family is supposed to pay for the wedding and the groom pays for the honeymoon.

This wouldn't be quite so bad if the honeymoon hadn't been a blowout affair in a five star, celebrity resort in Africa and the same kind of "first night" in New York City. This honeymoon was easily in the ten's of thousands of dollars. My thinking is that if you can't afford a honeymoon like that, don't ask someone else to pay for it. Tacky and cheap people shouldn't advertise it.

I got the Amazon Registry URL printed on my invitation, along with the name of their bank, the account holder's name and the wire transfer info, bank routing number and the account number on an enclosed little slip of paper.

I bought over $100 worth of items on their wish list. That was before the wedding. It didn't bug me that nothing was said at the wedding, but it's been almost a month now and not even an emoji-laden text...

to send out one's banking info far and wide?

I just thought it was standard practice among Mormons to never send a thank you note. My mother sent wedding gifts to all the Mormon elders that ate at our table and taught us the discussions but not a one ever sent a thanks.

I would print out the CES letter and send that.

Greatest gift they could receive... honestly.

Announcements are fine as far as good manners go. It is not necessary nor required that you invite everyone you know to a wedding or a reception.

However, asking for gifts (unless with a shower invite sent by a friend) is NEVER APPROPRIATE.

You announce the wedding and that. is. it. period.

Under no circumstances should you ever send out anything indicating you are looking for people to give you gifts.

Just the announcement is okay etiquette, but anything about where to buy them gifts is not okay.

If they just sent us an announcement of the wedding I would have sent them a nice gift. But a wedding announcement with a link to the gift registry just feels like a scam. As my husband put it, we're not going to reward bad behavior.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/20/2017 06:34PM by bezoar.

I am not bothered at all when I see where someone is registered on an announcement. Why play the game of having to call, text, email, send a message asking. It's annoying! Give me the information so I can go online and get it done.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/21/2017 01:24AM by abby.

It is no longer a bar, it is a curb and we have to step up and walk over it. It is not just Mormon's either, I have had the same thing from some of my friends kids. I toss them in the trash.

I'd seriously consider sending them a dollar. A crumpled up, well used, dirty dollar bill.

That would get their attention.

synonymous Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I'd seriously consider sending them a dollar. A
> crumpled up, well used, dirty dollar bill.
>
> That would get their attention.

+++++++++ 1,000,000... LOL!!!

On the flip side, how often do we see the situation where the parents of the bride and groom send invitations to everyone on the ward list? Don't want to exclude anyone who will complain.

It's a no win. They complain if invited, are not close, and bitch about having to get a gift.

Or, if not invited, they bitch about being excluded.

Love the passive / aggressive behavior.

the last words that I ever spoke to my super ass hole MORmON male parent and resident MORmON enforcement agent were about this.
I told him that it was utterly absurd that his MORmON religion would not let his own mother into their temple, as we both knew that she was a very honorable person while they would also make an associate of mine into a bishop even as he was well acquainted with that person and that person had done quite a lot to carry on like Joseph Smith with the women folk.

In true MORmON fashion my MORmON male parent responded by saying that he wanted to kill me.

The family that cut me out financially and emotionally sent me announcements for their childrens' weddings in temples.

I had no response.

I know EXACTLY how that feels.

Send them a bottle of wine :-)

If you know the daughter, I would send her a congratulatory wedding card with a personalized note. I don't feel that wedding gifts are called for without an invitation to the wedding (or in the case of Mormons, at least the reception.)

I've never met the daughter, or any of their children. I've only seen the father once since we graduated from college in the 1980s.

Then maybe send a note to the mom.

And what is with the parents tacking up the announcement of their kid's wedding on the office bulletin board?

Am I invited and the parents are too cheap to give everyone their own invite? Am I not invited but still expected to give or contribute to a group gift?

I never saw this before moving to Utah. Is it a Mormon thing or just a tacky Utah thing?

I don't know if the behavior could actually be worse than barring parents and other family from weddings; in my book, it would be diffucult to get lower than that.

But, yeah. "It was a great time, but all we want from you is stuff" is repugnant.

Send them a package of pickleloaf and a loaf of white bread, if they're that hard up. Throw in some packets of MickyD ketchup. You don't have to let them know who it's from, just sign, "Heard you couldn't afford wedding guests and are asking for stuff, now. Hope this helps."

/snark

Fuck it. Go to the wedding and stand out front with a big wrapped gift under your arm.

How do you know it was a mormon wedding ? Were both mother-in-laws pregnant or something ?

I hear you.

Some years ago when I was still a TBM I received what I thought was a wedding invitation. It was from a young man who grew up in our area and was attending BYU. I knew his parents and once in a while would get a chain email from him that was sent to people he knew in our area.

Anyway, I opened the enveloped and read the "invitation". I was genuinely happy for him and for being invited. I automatically read the invitation a second time and felt something was missing. I read it a third time and I thought it had the names and dates and the SLC temple reference but it had no time and no place for reception. I even think it said something about family only at the temple.

Some years later when I found myself here on RFM I asked and the good people here and they confirmed to me that it was an announcement with a likely expectation of a monetary gift. I thought it was low, especially because wedding gift expectations, mormon and non-mormon, already rub me the wrong way.

I've seen that before. If a couple is having a small reception, they might send out an announcement to the rest of their friends. Adding the gift registry - especially right on the face of the announcement like that - is tacky when there is no invitation involved. I got one like that last year, but without the registry information. I figured since I wasn't invited to the wedding, I was under no obligation to buy a gift of any sort and just thought "OK - nice to know" and threw the announcement in the trash.

I think they probably planned to do this all along and weren't just fishing for better gifts though. They had their A list who were invited and their B list who were informed. Their big mistake was to infer that the B list should even consider getting gifts for the couple. They shouldn't. Period.

I have seen a few lately (non-mormon, but it would work great for mormons), where they just had an insert card with a URL for their wedding site. The wedding site had tabs for pics, their engagement story, their registries, directions, info on hotels, etc. It also had easy links to RSVP. I liked it so much better than putting the info on the registry right in or on the invitation. And it was really fun to see their site.

Yes, I love that. I received a formal wedding invitation from my nephew and his (then) fiancée, but they also contacted wedding guests via email with a link to their wedding website with all the particulars.

NormaRae Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I have seen a few lately (non-mormon, but it would
> work great for mormons), where they just had an
> insert card with a URL for their wedding site. The
> wedding site had tabs for pics, their engagement
> story, their registries, directions, info on
> hotels, etc. It also had easy links to RSVP. I
> liked it so much better than putting the info on
> the registry right in or on the invitation. And it
> was really fun to see their site.

My DD did this and it worked out great.

I grew up in a very stcrict, San Francisco country club society.

Wedding announcements were sent to business friends, acquaintances who would want to know, distant relatives who would exchange Christmas letters and attend once-a-year reunions, etc.

It is proper etiquette to NOT send a wedding gift, if you received only an announcement.

If you receive an invitation, you are socially obligated to send a gift, whether or not you attend. Sometimes we were invited to the wedding only--usually a big church wedding, with lots of seating--and the reception would be a dinner for family only. I don't recall ever being invited to a non-Mormon reception, without being invited to the wedding ceremony, also.

A wedding reception without a ceremony does exist in the non-mormon world--it is called an "Open House"--and is given in honor of a bride and groom who were married in another state, far away, or who were married several months before. Sometimes, circumstances, just as jobs, Army deployments, or general travel problems prevent a couple from having a reception right away.

An announcement just "announces." No gift is expected or required. Don't let someone's lack of manners, and lack of consideration manipulate you into to giving them a gift of money.

Also NO REPLY IS NECESSARY, when you receive an announcement.

"Open Houses" do not require a gift. People sometimes bring gifts, if they want to. These are mainly to honor the bride and groom. The bride didn't wear a wedding dress at half of them, though all of them had a "reception line" format.

Since "etiquette" seems to depend on where you live, and on what social groups you belong to, then Mormons can call their open houses "receptions" and troll for gifts.

I think including the gift registry with the invitation is TACKY, but it is the norm, in Utah. It is especially rude, when you aren't invited to the wedding at all!

If we haven't ever been inside their house, or even their yard, if they have never called us just to chat, if we have never met with them socially, then we don't have to go to their receptions.

We have a large family of relatives that we know well, and we are happy to give them gifts, even though we don't go to the temple anymore. We are just glad to get out of going. For me, it's worth the postage to send a gift and our regrets.

I remember getting invitations dropped on my desk when I worked for BYU-I. They always dropped them on my desk when I was out of my office so I wouldn't know who delivered them. When I'd open them I didn't have a clue who the couple was. I'd ask around and find out it was the child of some co-worker, usually in another department or another floor, that I didn't even work with and whose child I'd never even met.

I did not respond and did not send gifts.

>>If you receive an invitation, you are socially obligated to send a gift, whether or not you attend.

I disagree with that. I think you are socially obligated to give a gift only if you attend the wedding. If you don't attend, a gift is entirely optional.

I remember having 1 pot, a bowl, no vacuum cleaner. I wanted to enlope but not allowed.I am so grateful to those who came go the wedding, stayed for the pot luck dinner and homemade wedding cake! Someone gave us 2 cops of quarters to do laundry.They had mucked up the car with happy wedding so that we had to go to the cae wash. Standing there in the chesoest wedding dress on the rack ( parents despised mormons) a man gave my husband a 100.
Back to work day too me about 9 months to send thank you cards with mil reminding you at evwry curve.;;

I sent somebody $10 billion dollars once.
In hyper-inflated Zimbabwe currency. Decent looking banknotws though... :-)