God i hope this works it could be life changing and i wont have to post as much to distract myself. I know everybody is happy for that, its been a long time coming.

What are nerve blocks?

Injections that numb the nerves causing pain i guess.

I think they have i got them done at 10am and they seem to have helped in the areas they were done but i still have the bulging disc problem and i have nerve pain in my legs for some reason. This is all very frustrating trying to find a solution to every problem.

Based off of other posts I read of yours today, you have had a bad reaction...


Hope all is well now

Based off of other posts I read of yours today, you MAY have had a bad reaction...


Hope all is well now

Probably but my anger has been building for a WHILE so it might be good to finally get set off. It might help me to beat the sh#t out of somebody right now and let it all go preferably realitybites. Maybe thats the cure i really need.

Badass, I feel for you. I remember being in constant, 24/7 pain after my leg and ankle surgery (when I started to put weight on it again,) so I do get how discouraging constant pain can be. Hang in there.

Its discouraging and i wish i could do surgery on myself today for everything and pretend to be like everybody else enjoying life cause aparrently its a f#cking cakewalk for everyone.

Badass, did you request the other thread be closed? I was typing a message to you, but if you're done with the subject, I'll leave it alone. My best thoughts are with you.

I dont know i got set off really bad by a couple of people, the people that look over the board probably closed it but i do hope some of my messages were read because i am really pissed.

Yeah, I don't know who the creep was, but I'd bet that that poster's IP (internet ID) has a red flag on it now, placed by the admins. There's always gonna be haters, and they are cowards.

I always read your messages, as do many others. You are cared for.

Do you want me to post a message about the other subject on this thread or leave it alone?

I dont know my mind is boggled and heated with anger right now maybe i should break some stuff and get it out of me. The saddest part is that those people push me even harder in this situation. And most likely they are teenagers because this is how i got ridiculed back then. But you are a survivalist so you know how it is sometimes. Sometimes you get into a jam no matter how hard you are trying and how hard your intentions are. I have burned through 88 grand trying to put myself together over three years and i still have surgeries to go to live in a world i have never loved. I have dealt with snakes and pieces of sh#t my whole journey for reasons i dont know. People dont understand i really dont want to be here with you, i had a horrible 3 decades of hell born in a cult with a cult family and abusive father. That is a horrible f#cking start to this life. All my suicides were blocked in life by someone on the other side that guards death probably a god. So i always have to think twice if death is my best option or will it be blocked and i will be hospitalized by force. So i have been on a mission to repair my mind and body as fast as i can but it has not been easy. I have ptsd and plus debilitating injuries. I worked very hard in my life so i wasnt lazy. I didnt even know how the system worked because i was just depending on myself for so long but the systems aid is very slow and barely anything besides their health insurance. So i was surprised that the help for somone in duress is not very good and not very much. But according to the mormons this is all my fault so i should just f#cking give up like so many others that barely escape the abusive church and their family. I have three friends that are dead because of the rejection they felt from their family and religion. But their family will never admit to that. But that is exactly why they are dead. I have said enough i probably wont survive the next three months i am a realist to my situation i gave the best effort i could over this last year and it still isnt enough and especially with winter coming its going to kill me.

My heart is breaking for you, because you're right, I understand.

I also know how strong all this shit has made you, maybe a little too stong, so strong, you're cracking a bit under the pressure.

Look, I am incredibly proud for you that you actually made it onto the property today, and the next time, you're going to make it farther because you're badass. Every step you take is a step farther away from abuse, and closer to health, remember that. Every step.

You got totally tweaked out, totally triggered today, and it takes some time for it to wear off, but it does wear off eventually.

You ARE moving forward, but when you get flooded by adrenaline, coming down from that can be really depressing, It's like every nerve is on fire, then... nothing. It's rough. Then - where do you go, what do you do to feel better.

And it's okay that you didn't get through the door today, it will be easier to make it farther tomorrow.

And you know what else?

FUCK that prick. Totally. What a POS COWARD. You are the SURVIVOR, YOU HAVE ALREADY WON.

Remember that too. Damnit. You know what a counselor told me once? I was in a place like you are now, and he said, "They can kill ya, but they can't eat you."

I finally got it. You will too. There's only so much they can take until there's nothing but pure badass left. And then god help them all, right?


Some stuff to do to come down from a trigger -

Beat a pillow on your bed with a bat. (If your back can take it) It helps, and nothing gets broke, no mess to clean up or new stuff to buy.

Take a nice hot bath with good clean smelly stuff. Scrub all the parts you've been skipping and trim all your nails. If you shave, do that, if you dont, get out your scissors/trimmers and make all that msn hair real pretty. Trim those nose hairs. You'll feel better.

Watch comedy you like. It helps break the funk for awhile.

Clean, but don't over do it and hurt your back. It always feels good to get things straightened up.

Go ahead and effin cry. It's like leaking poison out of your system. Then take your bath.


I'm thinking about you, badass. You lived through the worst shit, and now it's your turn to LIVE.

Im just doing what i always do when i am pissed crank up the music and drive but i do feel like i need to beat my pillow or take a bath. I feel like sh#t right now. I dont think i can cry i am too dead in that area and i havent let my anger fully explode either but there is a lot. Maybe i do need to get angry as f#ck and be a pure unleashed badass. The world could use that i think. I have to convince myself it is ok to ask for help outside all of the abusers. I have to find a real support and if its the catholic church so be it. I got to do this survivalist, my friend told me to stay alive no matter what before he died this is a true story. So i have been trying to climb the ladder to an easier and REAL life for a while now whatever the hell that is but i have to figure it out. Everything i learned growing up was incorrect and abusive so i have to learn to live what i think is a real life away from all abusers and bullsh#t and be my genuine self in all of its entirety. I dont want to feel like i am barely surviving with pain anymore, life was not supossed to be this way.

I'm sorry about your friend, and he was right - live, no matter what. He must have been smart, and a good friend to you. I'm sorry he's gone.

Music is good, too, and driving okay so long as you're okay to keep your mind on the road. Feels good to blast music in the middle of nowhere, singing and screaming along.

Remember to drink plenty of water, you need to heal, and you can't do that if you're dehydrated.

Pain will make a person angry and depressed, all by itelf, even without any help from triggers. Those are normal reactions, and brace a little for what I'm about to say.

For me, the pain helped me to find my anger, and man, was there ever a lot of it. All my life, I was never "allowed" to be the mad one, because it had always been my job to calm things down. All the while, I was being abused, but of course, was always told it was my fault and that I deserved it. You can bet your sweet bippy I was building up and holding in the anger.

I never cried either. I wouldn't show weakness. I was sort of like one of those wildebeasts, trying to stare down a lion. I came off like - I don't know, like, "Do what you want, you can't break me."

So, when my back went out from all that abuse, it was so freaking unfair! I had just gotten away from all of them, started healing emotionally (so I thought), and WHAM! I stood up from a sitting position, and couldn't move. Screaming, white-light type pain, like broken bones, from the waist down.

I told the docs to fix me, to operate, do whatever needed to be done. Nothing could be done. In my case, surgery had only s tiny chance of helping, and a much greater chance of making it worse. They did the injections, not much help at all, gave me fist loads of narcotics, which ended up going down the drain. The pills made the world a "happy" place, where there was no such thing as a problem. I don't like pain, but I liked the idea of becoming addicted even less, so I got rid of the pills and told them no more.

So the pain came back, and if I had kept the pills, I would have taken them. Instead, I had to deal with the pain. What really made me angry, besides all of that, is it felt like the abuse was happening all over again. I was finally free to learn how to express my rage for my abusers.

The better I got at expressing my anger, the more free I became to get to the sorrow that was underneath the anger. And it was kind of sudden. It was like the anger was a big weight, holding the sorrow down, and I was chipping away at the anger, off-loading it, bit at a time. All of a sudden, I could cry, and at first, I cried at the drop of a hat. No kidding. I cried at the sight of certain strangers, at how vulnerable baby geese looked, when I heard a baby's voice giggle, when someone had a birthday or wedding. I cried over documentaries.

It sounds silly now, but all of those things would trigger a thought or memory, and I had a lifetime of sorrow to catch up on.

Your emotions can and will heal. If you want to believe in something, believe in that, believe in yourself, your ability to heal. I think you might be chipping away at your anger, and that's a good thing. No one should have to carry that weight around his entire life.

Keep chipping, dear badass, dear Adam, we're here for you.

I am chipping i think but i always wondered if i would start crying for real out of nowhere. I have been so stoic and emotionless for so long, i think its the way i am supposed to be. I dont know how a normal human being is supposed to feel like at all times everyday but i know it isnt like me. But i dont think i am dead quite like i used to be.