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Posted by: evileric ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 12:31PM

I have been on this journey of learning all I can about the lies I was taught from a very young age. Primary, Sunday School, Sacrament meetings, Priesthood meetings, my mission and temple marriage all indoctrinated me and I believed it all. I knew it was true. 10 years ago, I started questioning and finally was forced to admit to myself that it is all a lie. I think of all the family camping trips I cut short so we could make it to church meetings, the hunting trips and so many other things we did that had to be cut short for church meetings. The years gone when I could have been with my sons and daughters and my wife. I am so angry and bitter and wonder when I will be at peace. Lost time can never be made up. I know the healing and mourning process is different for everyone but I would appreciate any thoughts. Thank you.

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Posted by: helenm ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 12:46PM

You came to the right place.

I'm a no-mo with a lot of LDS friends who are closeted non-believers.

idk if your wife or family knows your position of the church, but my advice to you is to not give them the power by being angry too long.

In the meantime, you could get rid of some of your LDS materials like your BOM. Doing something as small as that is one step to letting go of what you grew up believing.

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Posted by: paintingnotloggedin ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 12:49PM

camp now. before the snow sets in avoiding fires camp at the beach Dance

find explore your station ; utilize free Pandora or online radio to find your beat. Dance again

Be just hug and breath

stand up get up Dance watch sports call your kids
enhance this moment thats what lifts the pall. and in tiny moments pull back the curtains and see what keeping the commandments has done all the camping trips fun cut out of lives
but right nie turn away

turn your eyes away from the past & be this moment. and dance
play again.

so drive along the dessert roads and up to day trip near the high mountain peak trail head when your knees need recovery but dance. carry a cane jeep ride keep your coffee nearby but dance

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Posted by: badassadam ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 07:48PM

A long time man is all i have to say, i still get angered and triggered all the time by all the wasted years and i have been away a year now and i thought that i was wrong once because i left twice in my life. I really dont know how much anger is still in me but i know its a lot and i recommend counseling to anybody that leaves.

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Posted by: saucie ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 07:54PM

It takes as long as it takes, but its ok. It took me a few years, but it does go away little by little.

I think what helped me was being here on RFM and just listening
to other's stories and shaing my own... we all vent our anger here. Its healthy and healing. The more you can feel it and get it out, the faster it will go away.

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Posted by: donbagley ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 08:24PM

I'll let you know if it happens.

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Posted by: saucie ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 08:26PM

You've got extra extra donbagley.

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Posted by: catnip ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 08:52PM

pent-up negativity into marvelous stories.

I can't imagine what it would be like, trying to recover after having been BIC and raised well into adulthood in Mormonism. I was a convert, and only spent 17 years in the church. (Funny, that's how long I spent in my starter marriage, as well.)

I think it may be easier for converts to leave, because we have experienced other religious backgrounds and have more of an idea of what's out there.

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Posted by: badassadam ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 09:00PM

Yea i would think that converts would have it easier.

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Posted by: unbelievable2 ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 09:12PM

For me, a long time. The betrayal, lies, and abuse was deep over 36 years. Healing the soul is a unique process. I have suffered great losses throughout my life. My father was murdered when I was 15. A cousin committed suicide 6 months later. My sister died of a rare disease 9 months later. My childhood was dysfunctional and at 14 I ran away to the cult in 1974 not knowing of their scam. I was in pain, numb, empty and searching for God, truth, peace. I thought I found it. Decades later I find out it was all a lie, there really are no words to describe this type of evil. My identity was impacted, not just my time, talents, money, belief system and other life choices. Now that I left three years ago, everyday is different. I suffer from PTSD, take meds, exercise daily, eat well and focus on the things I can control. I am discovering my inner truth and make decisions carefully now.

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Posted by: unbelievable2 ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 09:35PM

I have spent the last three weeks reflecting on the losses and suffering millions of people are experiencing from the hurricanes, Harvey and Irma. Many families lost their homes, some lost their homes and businesses, and some lost their homes, businesses and a loved one. They were all innocent and were helpless to stop the hurricanes. I don't know that we ex-mos could have known any better under the circumstances with the cult's scam. We did our best and actually did learn to choose truth over error. So we left the lies and scam of the cult. That is behind us now. That fact, if we choose to envelope ourselves in, may leverage our inner power and real truth to build a new, healthier life and future we can be comfortable and confident about. Learning to love and forgive ourselves is the task at hand in removing the cult from our consciousness and life. Letting go of the anger is hard because the trauma and shock of what the cult did to us is like going through a hostile, bitter divorce. I got into dialectical behavioral therapy for six months and that helped tremendously. There are new decisions to be made based on truth, authenticity and care.

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Posted by: badassadam ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 10:36PM

Everyday is different for me as well i too have PTSD. I cant really describe what i am going through to people.

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Posted by: cl2 ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 11:03PM

getting through a lot of the anger and bitterness, but there are things that come up to cause some more pain and anger, like a TBM daughter.

This board (and an exmo therapist) helped me come to terms with with my gay/straight marriage and the things the leaders did to us before we married. I never went back to them again for "help" after I found out he was cheating and I wouldn't allow him to. He wanted to go tell them all off. I suggested that since the kids and I were living in this neighborhood, it would be best if he didn't. But when I came to this board, I admit I hated gays because of what my ex had put me through after he left. And then I read their stories and I got to know some of them, and I found out that I had always been anger at the wrong people. And I found it healthy to be angry with church leaders. You mean I DIDN'T HAVE TO TREAT THEM WITH RESPECT!!!!

Now my ex and I are best friends and we share the house we bought together over 30 years ago. I have a boyfriend. He just broke up with his.

But we have that sweet little TBM daughter who can make life difficult at times. I'm come to terms with many things about my life, but there are still things that cause me pain because of the mormons. I've been out for over 20 years. This board has helped I think more than anything else.

Sorry for the typos. Not going to look for them to fix.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/13/2017 11:04PM by cl2.

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Posted by: badassadam ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 12:22AM

I hate the church authorities more than anything especially the ones at the top.

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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: September 13, 2017 11:06PM

I intend to hang on to it for a while.

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Posted by: Free Man ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 01:39AM

A lot of it depends on your personality. The more sensitive types hang on to anger and resentment longer. And those types tend to have believed in it more strongly. I've discovered most members only had superficial belief - it is mostly the social network, with doctrine as an excuse to get together and feel superior and safe.

Unfortunately, sites like this can prolong the anger. Kind of a herd mentality, feeding frenzy, and pointing out every little problem with Mormonism. Reminds me after I left the church, I went to a non-mo therapist. She really liked promoting anger - beating on pillows and cursing about your bad dads, as everybody has bad dads, and about bad religion, etc. It did feel good temporarily after you did the anger thing.

One day she mentioned in a group session that some day we could be as successful as she was, and she never dreamed she could have the big house she had. At that point, I realized I was paying for that house with all this anger crap. Another scam.

What helped me the most was gaining understanding. I finally figured out human behavior. Church is mostly just one form of tribalism. People like clinging together in a group for comfort and survival. Other groups are gangs, political parties or ideologies (liberals/conservatives), football teams, races, nations, etc. Pretty rare person that puts principles above allegiance to their tribe. Hard to admit when that applies to your spouse and mom and dad and siblings.

You also realize the church is just one of many scams, and not the biggest. There is the scam of government, as most programs and wars are BS. Then there is feminism, which cherry-picks info to promote faith as does the church.

Then there is the marriage scam. I discovered I was not my wife's first love, but the church was. Also when I had career troubles, she threatened divorce. Marriage vows are a joke. To her, I was like a job - a source of benefits. And when you find a better job/husband, you make a career change.

If you watch people, you realize most are lying multiple times a day, or at least avoiding blame and responsibility. Denial everywhere. People believe what they want.

Life is pretty much a mess. If we had been informed of that from the beginning, wouldn't have such a problem when those who couldn't deny reality discovered it. But of course, most parents don't get it, and the so-called educators at our government schools certainly aren't going to spill the beans on all the scams. Too much politics and money involved.

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Posted by: badassadam ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 11:30AM

The marriage scam i like that, i am definitely going to remember that one.

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Posted by: Free Man ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 02:10AM

Let me add that the only thing worse than losing all that time to the church is losing even more time in anger and regret.

Might have to spend some time restructuring your outlook, and working out relationships, but then move on.

Anger about the church means they are still in control. Just try doing what you are, if you can figure that out. Most of us spent much of our lives being what others wanted us to be.

And having to rebel means they are in control. Not everything about the church was bad. To be a good exmo, you don't have to get tattoos, do alcohol or drugs or use the F word 5 times per sentence, etc. I liked the lifestyle, especially considering so many train wrecks I've seen outside the church. Seems a lot of people just can't figure out how to live decently without the fear of god.

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Posted by: readwrite ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 03:31AM

It doesn't do it on its own.

Recovery takes efforts, practice, processes.

TSCC did it to you. Don't keep doing it to yourself.

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Posted by: anonuk ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 08:03AM

It will not leave until you decide to move on from it. Anger is one of the stages of dealing with grief or a loss of some sort and everyone responds to loss differently, depending upon the depth of the loss or betrayal. You have 'lost' your expected future and feel like you have lost all those years (and money) spent as a believer. If, like many of us, you have extended family in the cult then you have lost their fellowship and respect purely for leaving and worse - they still believe the lies.

I tried to move on a couple of times; the first time I tried it became apparent after a while I wasn't really able to move on completely. My daughter was picking up my anxiety and frustration and so we both tried her new 'tool' for dealing with her worries, we got a little worry box. The idea is to write down things that worry you and put the note in the box and once a day we had only ten minutes of 'worry time' where we opened the box and discussed the notes we had put in. If a solution could be found the note was removed from the box and destroyed and if no solution was found it was put back in and the box closed. We were not allowed to discuss or even think about frustrations until next 'worry time' - we were to write our worries down and put them in the box as soon as we realised we were worrying.

This helped my anger a great deal since most of it was directed towards my extended family for 'repeating a lie' and refusing to read the new admissions that previous 'lies' were in fact truths. Having a regular 'worry time' let me train myself to stop obsessing over things.

It was still another year before I was completely anger free and able to see my family as an outsider would see them - brainwashed. Further, I was able to let them have time alone with my children with the knowledge that they would not discuss anything church related with them. If I am present, anytime they mention anything church related, I voice loudly that the church told us lies and the conversation topic is immediately changed. This used to frustrate me but now I find it quite predictable and funny and wonder how many weeks before another 'lapse of memory'.

You have to work through all your issues until you feel they are solved or at least accepted as unsolvable for now. Every once in a while you may feel all the anger bubbling up again, but it is up to you to decide whether to let it ruin your day or whether you are going to control your feelings and acknowledge you are angry/cross about something but will not 'be' angry anymore.

You can do it.

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Posted by: unbelievable2 ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 08:26AM

Anger is one of nine core emotions humans have. I lived angry most of my life. My rebellion against my alcoholic parents and dysfunctional childhood was a set up to cling to the cult at 14 years old. I am still angry at myself on days about my past allegiance to the cult. I was broken and didn't know better then. But I know the truth now and that helps give me perspective and purpose. I can't change my past and can choose joy and peace today. I recommend you read a useful book by Ruth King, "Rage". Depression though is an illness and requires special care on many levels. Taking care of myself is something I am learning to do now after being addicted to taking care of everyone else and letting go of the believe, I am responsible to save the world through missionary and temple work. Let go of the lies.

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Posted by: evileric ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 12:41PM

I really appreciate your comments. I got converted when I went to Ricks (now BYU-Idaho) in 1979. I had just quit drinking and smoking in July of 1978 and trying to get my life in order and the bishop recommended I go to Ricks. I was very vulnerable and swallowed everything they told me there. I gained a testimony and went on a mission. Yes, I am a very sensitive person but also very tough. My wife is TBM but does not know the extent of my unbelief and apostacy. I know this will take time for me to heal and deal with the lost years and all of the money I have tithed to the church. I feel like such a fool. I have not been to the LDS church in at least 5 years but I am still a member.

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Posted by: badassadam ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 01:00PM

I feel like a fool everyday by just going along with it with everybody else just to get along. Now these days i cant afford to be an idiot.

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Posted by: cl2 ( )
Date: September 14, 2017 01:01PM

It allows me to voice my anger, get it out, and then the rest of the time, I'm just living my life. If I still had a lot of anger, I would not be friends with my ex or friends with my neighbors or have bought my daughter's temple clothes.

Anger isn't a bad thing in the right place and right time. I recognize that I have a right to be angry or IN PAIN when my TBM sister causes CONSTANT problems in the family. She has divided the family. When my TBM daughter posts that she loves all her moms on mother's day and posts her "mormon moms" next to me.

When I first got back with my boyfriend from my 20s over 12 years ago, he asked me why I didn't get angry at some of the things some people were doing to me. I asked my exmo therapist and he taught me that anger is a good thing in the right place. It is part of the healing process.

Anyway, coming to this board and being able to vent helps me. It hasn't been a hindrance to me at all.

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