Is it normal or acceptable for married person to have an opposite sex friend that they text as often as every single day for a straight month? The texts are pretty innocent for the most part, but contain lots of just checking in to see what the other one is doing, trivial small talk BS about what each other is having for dinner, and requests for that person to continue texting them tomorrow. I am a jealous loon or am I right to be a little bit unsettled by a discovery such as this?

This would bother me. It might not bother others, but it would bother me. A lot.

May I add. I worked with a lot of men when I was young and single. When we weren't at work, I only associated with them with their wives around and never alone.

In fact, I became very close friends with one man I worked with, but I also became close friends with his wife. Everything I wrote went through her, too. They moved away and were gone for years and all my mail went to both of them and if we talked on the phone, I talked to both of them.

I just think this is inappropriate.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/11/2017 06:00PM by cl2.

eating at lunch or snacks apart? or commenting on shared sack lunches if it was good or what they liked most?

does you spouse text you making small talk through out every day when youre separated physically?

does your spouse initiate texts to you

is your spouse rarely replying or replying with very few words whe you text them?

what does the whole picture look like!

further I have never had my spouses work best friend or work wife sharing spaces supplies schedules etc ever infringe on my own time with my spouse, that includes texting him during his time with me, or him texting a work buddy male or female while at a meal or living room or on bed with me. once there was a death of another colleague and my husband got texts from an old female special colleague to him which is just so rate, but his male friend had passed away.

realize in my opinion, we are different people in relation to who we are relating with; my spouse doesnt talk or move the same way in relationship to me as he may to another.

if it appeared to me that another person, actually male or female, was receiving the same treatment or attention or affection or time or resources which had prior been reserved only for me, Id be upset. thats saying alot for a former team sport coachs wife/ oh wow all that time away.

ask yourself what are you receiving in attention, in texts, in communication.are,you at least being treated as attentively paid attention to in positive ways routinely through each day apart and together as well,
as attention flows through texts,out to this outsider.

what are you agreements? see a --- buddy woildmt even have a relationship like this, they just get physical contact at sgreed upon times not meals, not sharing not daily texting, not sitting down and talking about life or like intimacy. intimacy is reserved for relationships, physical -- thats just a person to be with.
so I think as a spouse itsmreasonable to want to be treated like the person in relationship with intimacy in words spoken and texted, not just a person to sleep with leave early come home late etc.

as the years my spouse spent coaching and matches late night mid week and weekends, and matches and tournaments around holidays limiting family traveling-- I would say sensitivity to maintaining those polite small talk and manners my way that would be the wifes way, and not lobbing them out randomly or sporadically when daily politely small tslking with an outsider unless its the fund raiser during a team promotion. even then, the only super political glad hander media figure I know couldnt pull it off no longer has a wife. but theyre very polular, its like theyve come into their own, using texts and posts sort of redefining themselves socially separate from the man who has that wife and child he used to promote in texts and photos posted before....

so in that light I think about ratios and how much you receive texts, positive small talk, humor fun and good times that ots not all used up elsewhere and husbands is home or tired or out of good humor / yet is using good manners humor fun in texts elsewhere youre not in the loop. thats not cool.

It's too much. An occasional lunch, sure. Texting every day, no. Definitely not okay in my book.

"If you (contact) another person on a daily basis, and it makes you happy doing so, you're in love with that person, whether you've admitted it or not."
- - Judic West, Therapist to the top 1% of the 1%


I agree with Mr. West. Even when it's two heterosexual members of the same sex (Bromance), like me and The Boner, it's tomfoolery to deny the growing fondness.

Sounds like an emotional affair.

Texting small talk every day? If you're uneasy about it, I'd ask your spouse about it.

Hell yes you are right to be unsettled.

I'd be concerned.

What I'm wondering is, do you and said spouse still share small talk, enjoy each other's company, etc?

I'd ask the spouse, as suggested by Boner; I'd also take an honest look at my own interactions with my spouse.

I've always thought that behavior you described was inappropriate in that it's risky; every marriage goes through uncomfortable desert times; if you try to comfort yourself in those desert times by developing a relationship with someone outside the marriage, especially someone of the opposite sex, instead of working to rebuild emotional intimacy and mutual satisfaction within the marriage---you're skating on thin ice.

Since you are not the person doing the daily texting---I'd ask the spouse, and I'd also be looking at what you might be doing or not doing to contribute to an emotional desert at home.

Marriages and romance in marriage needs to be intentional, and nurtured, and we need emotional intimacy and romance. Best get it at home.

Does your spouse share with you every text received and sent? If so, your spouse is not hiding this relationship and is sharing it with you. If not, the lack of sharing quite rightly breeds lack of trust in the spouse 'out of the loop'. Perhaps your spouse has had this relationship longer than the marriage, in which case, you should have been made completely aware of every aspect of their history and continued contact. Friendships not shared with a spouse show a married person keeping their options open, ie, not fully committed to the marriage, whether they realise this or not.

No-one else should be the 'best opposite-gender friend' of your spouse except you. It does appear that you and your spouse need to do some talking about what you expect from each other, how you each feel about the other's deeds, and whether or not either or both of you are willing to please each other, rather than just pleasing self with no thought to how the spouse feels about one's actions.

An affair of the heart can be deeper than one of a sexual nature. Honestly,we are capable of loving more than one person at one time. Acting on this isn't always realistic. As good as it feels to share and chat with this woman whom with you obviously share a connection, it can be dangerous. I'm not judging believe me. I was in a similar situation. While happening it's like walking on clouds, until it hits youbwith certainty that the two of you will hit a wall. When it ends, both of you may find yourselves overwhelmingly sad. Best Wishes.

I agree with other posters. That's not normal in a committed, monogomous relationship. It sounds like it could be an emotional affair...whether they see it as that or not. Inappropriate.

This was the first sign for my son in law that my daughter was having an affair. If you tell your spouse that this bothers you and they don't stop, then the writing is in the wall.

My daughter is about to wreck her life and there is nothing I can do about it. She is shocked that I am not supportive of her.

"My daughter is about to wreck her life and there is nothing I can do about it. She is shocked that I am not supportive of her."

Good for you. I know people that have had affairs and ruined families. They change friends to find people that will condone their stupid behavior. They don't think of the collateral casualties, like children, that they ruin. Again, good for you.

+1

Another consideration is that IMO the spouse in question is absolutely ripe for having a full-blown affair -- if not with this person, than someone else down the line.

Dear Jealous Loon,

In the first place, you are erroneously assigning the emotions as both jealousy and crazy.

So, starting over,

Dear Betrayed and Angry,

What everyone else is saying. Say nothing to your spouse, and start rearranging your priorities so as to be prepared. Gather evidence. Document. Plan to be freed from someone who seems to be good at pretending to be your best friend. Control the outcome by controlling yourself. The good news is that you now know the character and nature of this person, and you can take the long end of the stick, using this info to your benefit.

Give plenty of rope to let the disloyal spouse hang him or herself. Cheats are all about the "now." Play a long game.

You don't need luck. You need professional advice and a plan.

My now-ex had this kind of relationship with the woman he is now married to. They both kept insisting that they were "just friends," but he would get up at like 3:30 or 4:00 in the morning and have long phone conversations with her, about anything and everything.

To me, he would say things like, "Don't forget to take out the trash," or "Did you pay the light bill?" Yeah. Topics of significant emotional connection - NOT.

I tried and tried to get him to talk to ME, asking questions about how his day went, how was this or that situation working out, yada, yada. Finally, one day, he snapped at me, "What is this, are you playing 'Twenty Questions?' "

I finally decided that they deserved each other, and I got out of the way. They have been married for ages. From what my son says, theirs is the most emotionally sterile household he has ever set foot in. Good for them. My life is a lot nicer without them in it.

she is now blowing up on me and saying that they are purely friends, nothing more, and there is nothing there. She is making me out to be the bad guy for having such a low opinion of her and not trusting her. Oy. I know what my own eyes and ears tell me!

Blowing up? Bad sign. Go to a therapist with her and ask the therapist if this is normal.

cl2 Wrote:
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> Go to a therapist with her
> and ask the therapist if this is normal.

Totally disagree. He doesn't need the approval of wife, doesn't need the agreement of therapist. If they can even get an appointment quickly or whatever. That's why message boards are infinitely better than therapists.

OP, do not ask any therapist if this is 'normal'. Like you said, you know what your gut tells you. If you had every therapist on the planet saying it's not 'normal', you're still in the same boat and your wallet is lighter. Don't waste anymore time and money.

This is called "gas lighting". Basically, turning the tables on the suspicious person to get them to think they're crazy. Don't fall for it. Trust your gut. I can promise you that their relationship is a lot more advanced than you imagine. Like others have said- don't be reactionary, get your financial ducks in a row. I'd skip the therapist and spend your money on a P.I. and a lawyer. Sorry.

In exactly the same circumstance.

I had never heard of it before, but my best friend, an "old movie" fanatic, told me (after I had related a particularly bizarre incident), "They are trying to MAKE you crazy, just like in that old movie, 'Gaslight.' Don't you remember?" I didn't, because I hadn't seen it.

Your situation sounds eerily similar.

Start assessing your resources, at least mentally, start rehearsing a plan for escape - this is no joke. Document everything, and talk to an attorney.

Guilt behaves like that. I agree with StillAnon: get a PI (if not too expensive because they may just be texting at this point) and start visualizing your life free from her. She has made her choices and she is defending them. She should go to the mat for your marriage, not try to blame you for her lame ass 'friend'.

So stupid! So, you be smart and outwit this dumbass! But don't be open about it. If you keep reacting and ask her to stop doing this, start doing that, you will show your cards.

She made her choice. Now it's time for you to choose accordingly.

Not all women do this stuff. Lots of women are loyal and very nice to be with. You deserve a lot better.

Very nice response....loved this advice...+1000

anonymous on this Wrote:
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> she is now blowing up on me and saying that they
> are purely friends, nothing more, and there is
> nothing there. She is making me out to be the bad
> guy for having such a low opinion of her and not
> trusting her. Oy. I know what my own eyes and
> ears tell me!


Classic guilty behaviour. When a guilty person is challenged they deny, express anger at your distrust and then play the victim. It's just gaslighting, as others have pointed out and is unacceptable behaviour.

Do as a previous poster said and plan your separation so she cannot take the house and all your money and leave you debt ridden for years. I know a couple where before they split, she ran up lots of huge credit bills in his name and left him paying for it. Do not let this happen to you - every woman is capable of bleeding you dry; but most of us are not that selfish to betray another like she has betrayed and is still betraying you.

All the clues are there - you can accept the result that they point to or not, that is your current choice: stand up for yourself, or get walked over and taken for granted forevermore. It is sad to say but her heart is not completely yours, which imo makes her a terrible wife. You deserve better, much better.

My wife of 18 years did the same..started off w/ innocent texts to a coworker...always very benign. She'd say, "oh he's just a friend...he's married..it's okay for me to have a friend..dont' be paranoid." Then one day it was raining while they were getting off of work...he let her share his umbrella as he no gallantly walked her to her car. Gave her a innocent hug...blah blah blah...next thing you know they're having sex in the family van after work every night. Trust me when I tell you that she may have absolutely NO inclinations that way...but that dude wants something from your wife. If I had to do it all over again (post divorce and 5 kids)...I would have confronted him. That man texting your wife is a POS. Draw your line now.

So you say the guy wants something from your wife. But the wife didn't want something from the guy?

And you say you should have confronted the guy. True he is at fault, but isn't the wife just as guilty? Confronting the guy won't fix things if the wife is still into him.

Had a guy at work come home to find his wife in bed with a guy. My coworker beat the guy up and ended up in jail. I asked why he didn't also beat up his wife, equal rights and all.

No answer, but apparently not allowed to hit women, and somehow she was a victim even though it was consensual.

Different standards.

I'd be bothered, too. Even if the relationship hasn't yet crossed any lines, it probably wouldn't take much for it to do so.

Interesting to see that the property paradigm of relationships is as firmly entrenched among exMos as it is among Mormons.

Property lines must be firmly marked and defended, because otherwise.....what, exactly?

my brother wound up homeless and in a mountain of debt as a result of her actions before they separated.

Took years to pay off all the debts - couldn't move on emotionally until he did.

Oh you must be referring to my comment. I was in TSCC from birth to 40 years, and have never heard of the "property paradigm of relationships" relative to Mormonism. Don't get me wrong, Mormonism is one f'ed up religion. However, I think in our society when men and women get married, there is an expectation that other men/women should be hands off another spouse, i.e. hands off the relationship.

Seriously? You think this is a "property" issue when people express discontent w/ poor behavior like this. That is a boundary that is reasonably expected by everyone in American society/culture. I don't know about other cultures. Has nothing to do w/ Mormonism. It is a reasonable boundary. Any man who goes after another man's wife should be confronted in a non-violent way. I had the cable guy hit on my wife the other day. He knew we were married. I introduced myself, and then left to go back to my office. When I came back my wife showed me the texts that he sent her, "hey if you want to hang out some time...let me know. I think you're really pretty." Well I confronted him for his poor behavior. It's not about "property" BOJ, it's about respect and honor. My wife is not my property - if that's what you were alluding to. If anything the heritage of Mormonism does not respect marriage where the founder routinely went after other men's wives.