I'm a 32 year old male. I read the "Journal of Discourses" (church published history books) on my mission which only added to already existing doubts about the church (from how the church treated me for being gay.) My spouse and I eventually had our names removed in 2010.

Since leaving, the hardest thing for me has been not having a sense of community anymore. We're not into the gay scene (it's just not our thing) nor are we believers in religion (I consider myself agnostic) so going to a church isn't appealing. I have many friends and a big family who are mostly all TBM's but they completely accept and love me and my spouse (I realize I lucked out since I know not every gay mormon gets that from friends / family) I live in another state now so I don't get to see them very often, just social media (which can be anxiety inducing for a number of reasons!)

What are some things you've all done to reclaim that sense of community? Things that don't involve joining a church or any extremist group...after growing up Mormon, I try my best to avoid extremism and live in moderation. But, it's lonely without a community. I realize I'll never have what the cult offered. And not being open to religion or participating in the gay scene only adds complexities for a solution.

I started by not worrying about myself so much, and worrying about other people.
I left right after coming back from my mission, and right before returning to college, so...

I volunteered to tutor incoming freshman that needed help with math at my university.
I volunteered at a local library.
I volunteered to teach GED classes at the local jail (*that* was an adventure, but ultimately a really good one!).

Through those things and more, I met a whole bunch of good, kind, generous people -- most of whom weren't very religious. Some of them became lifelong friends. They introduced me to other cool people. We'd all get together for happy hour free food and cheap drinks at the local hang-out places (we were almost all poor college students). We formed a softball team, and joined the local rec league. I dated several of the girls in the group (<grin>). It was a great bunch, and I felt far more "social" than I ever had in mormonism.

Just start doing things for other people, things you're good at and can do well. It's a great way to make friends and expand your social group.

Ific...Do you believe in anything? I think I read you are atheist?
I can't quite get a grip in my mind of nothingness? Please advise me, if you will.
Is it your math/science brain that allows you to accept nothing as something to believe in? Or is there no believing to it?
And, don't you think 'doing for others' is part of your ingrained mormon ideas of 'be of service'? It never really leaves us. I see why you do it, but? I do it too.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/16/2017 09:33AM by cutekitty.

A lack of a belief does not constitute a belief.
Keep on beating up your strawman.

+1

Ok.

I participate in a Jewish setting for community and fellowship. It's very open, tolerant and diverse community. I haven't jumped into any conversion classes, I just show up.

They've been very accepting of both me and my children. They don't proselytize or support religions that do.

Just throwing that out here as a possibility since you asked. I felt the same as you when I left with my children, first in my 30's and later after a short interim, in my 40's.

I still need that sense of community, and have found out of the several (more than a few) of religious denominations I have been to, Judaism works for me - without feeling obligated to jump in and immerse myself further. Some converts have more than me, but I'm fine with that. They weren't LDS either. :)

If you explore a Jewish group in your area, if one exists, I recommend either a Conservative or a Reform group. Orthodox would be difficult to absorb unless you were born and raised Orthodox IMO.

I feel your pain im 34 without a community as well and it is extremely lonely but im not quite sure what to do about it still but i will never be a part of any organization for the rest of my life probably i know that much. I just focus on my health primarily right now its by far the most important thing to me.

But it isn't necessary for happiness or survival.

It's like marriage or family. They're to be appreciation if they work out, but they're not as important as being a strong independent individual.

I agree with this 100 percent

I agree!

I joined a writing critique group and started writing short stories. That's been fun and I love my fellow authors some are beginners like me and some are published.

I also started attending the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, they're more of a coalition than a church. Anyone who believes anything spiritual can attend, but they support all kinds of amazing community outreach programs. There are some LGBTQ members, some Jewish, Catholic, Methodist, Hindu, Buddhist. Most of the Hindu and Buddhist who attend do so because there aren't many Hindu or Buddhist temples nearby.

It was hard for me to find a place to settle where I wasn't constantly forcing myself to stop rolling my eyes.

I roll my eyes and shake my head a lot these days its a good sign i feel because i realized how stupid i was in the past.

When I left I have been taking care of my 94 year old mother who has advanced stages of dementia. So I don't have the opportunity to join another group now, nor do I want to. I need time to recover from the cult. When I am free in the future, I would like to travel, eventually make some documentaries and write books. I have options to socialize when I am ready.

Im taking my time as well before i jump into any kind of partnership or relationship, that can wait for way down the road.

Badass.... Read Panama's excellent rip and follow this advice, please.

I was going to tell you to: get a piece of paper and a pen or pencil, and write down 10 things YOU like/love to do. Doesn't matter, just ten things. Pick 1 to start.

Then, figure out where you would go to promote enjoying that item, whatever it is. Look up such a place in yellow pages or wherever.

Go there with your badass self and check it out, whatever it is. You will be engaging your pleasure center of your brain so, hopefully, you will feel like you BELONG. You maybe can contribute something of yourself to whatever you are checking out. This will be your new community being with LIKE-minded individuals. Even if for 15 minutes. You will make a contribution to the world exerting your badassadam self to society!

For ME, cutekitty, My new community is RfM. Everyday, it's my connection I am not ALONE in this scary world of new information that rocked my religious world, AND I am in touch with like minded individuals.

Well i like rocks and mixed martial arts and heavy metal for sure i think so thats a good start.

I have recently re-discovered heavy metal myself. Before I became a sheeple at the ripe age of 21, I was IN LOVE with Robert Plant.

TSCC told me I had to give up that music......not conducive to the spirit........

So, now, 40 years later, I am discovering Led Zep. concerts I've never seen and words to songs I never knew. Funny thing now, Jimmy Page has white hair, and RP has wrinkles on his face. This coming Sunday, the 20th, RP will be 69!!!!!!!!!
YIKES!!!!!

I went to a korn concert a couple months ago and it was awesome. Its crazy to see a band still going that you first heard in junior high and now im 34 and watching them kick ass on stage still. I like led zeplin as well even though its a little before my time.

They only put out 9 albums, but they all rock, still.

Yes they do indeed.

Do you have a local YMCA? Ours is very active and community oriented. They have lots of volunteer opportunities available and plenty of other activities in addition to the work out faculty.

I got involved with Habitat & the American Red Cross



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/16/2017 12:51AM by GNPE.

OP, what do enjoy doing?

That's where you'll find like-minded individuals.

Do you enjoy:

sports (team / lone?)
geology (digging exploring exploding)
animals (dogs cats horses whales?)
arts (genre)
geography (travel history languages)
food (preparing, eating, dinner parties)
learning (teaching, expanding, sharing)
politics / law (words words words)


So many, many things to enjoy, and all of the old rules pertaining to choice are gone - trash. No limits.

You need a pre-bucket, bucket list. You will find your community(ies) in your greatest passions. When you love what you do, those who love it too will be drawn to you.

Want to climb a mountain or swim in the ocean, bat a ball out of the park and/or teach a kid how to do that?

Go. Get moving, get your hands wet. These things won't knock at your door like VTs. The world is your community, and they're waiting for you to add your unique gifts, understanding, and joy to the mix.

I ended up creating my own community. We meet most every Sunday at a local coffee shop and just chat about life. I have met some very wonderful people and I have been able to improve some relationships that were damaged in the process of me leaving.

The problem is there is no one true way to replacing a community that was lost. Find what works for you and enjoy the journey in finding it. I wish you only the best.

We used to have a large vibrant gay contingent in our Utah Atheists group.

I think a lot of them moved out of state.

I had that same issue. Eventually I just learned to deal with it, but I have found ways to have a community in other ways.

I deal with bipolar disorder and I have found the same sense of community with people from a partial hospitalization program I went to. I also have a new community at a kickboxing club I go to.

My suggestion to you is find things to do with like-minded people (through meetup or some other means of connecting with people) and give that a try. You can get that sense of community back, it's just a lot harder to find outside of religious organizations. You can do it, you just have to get out there!

Can't go wrong with animal rescue.

This just happened today. I had breakfast this morning with a friend from one of the bands we both play in . We go out once a week to a local breakfast place. When I returned home, my wife asked if George, another band member, would like some homemade chicken soup. George's wife is dying from ALS. Just as she asked me that question my cell phone rang. It was George. I will be delivering some chicken soup to George and his wife this afternoon.

You never know where you will find community. Being with like minded individuals, in this case music, can be the start of friendships and community. The common interest is simply a catalyst. Good luck. It takes some effort.

Yes, I agree.

Eric, what does OP mean? Not in the glossary.

OP = original post or poster

I finally joined up with them,... Whaddyacallem... Unitarians. They're always nice and liberal, and they always make coffee in the "common room"--you know, cultural hall. It's very different going to church there, because it's not just boring white people. We got about 3 gay couples, black people, a really cute girl who wears Daisy Dukes, a kick-ass jazz pianist who gives us a mini-concert at the end of every meeting, curmudgeons, a former NPR host, and a fearsome female pastor. Try to find an LDS ward like that.

I think that the best common denominator is volunteerism. You can get the same feeling of fellowship without any of the bullshit religion. Usually it's easy to find a cause that you can feel good about giving some time to. Often you realize that lots of other people have lives that are much more bleak than your own. So you do what you can to help, and meet similar kinds of people as yourself, doing the same thing in the process. I often think of life like that game of rock, paper, sizzors. No matter which one you are, there is always someone who can trump you in whatever you're doing. Things tend to equalize more when you're doing what you can to help others.

Here are a few good rules to live by as a volunteer.
1.) Never agree to anything you don't want to do. It's your time and you get to decide what you want and don't want to do when you give your time.
2.) After you agree to do something, keep your commitment, just as you would do at a paid job. Never let people down (no show, leave early, etc) because they're not paying you anyway.
3.) Keep in mind that things might not be as fun or easy as you initially thought. If the result is something good, keep in mind that this is your paycheck. One common joke says "we're going to have to add another zero to your paycheck".

I am on the board of a charity and my primary job in that position is to manage the business of the charity. I show up at service activities just often enough that a lot of people don't know who I am. When new volunteers who I am working with ask what I do, I often say "I am just a sherpa here" (in the context of low level worker). Since others in the organization manage the operations, I just work alongside of everyone else. There's no one to impress and I try not to manage things unless they need me to, which isn't often.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/16/2017 11:49PM by azsteve.

A Bp of mine (Carnation, WA) asked what we could do to engage more with our community, I suggested 2:

1. monthly community pot-luck dinners
2. Invite the local Habitat affiliate to meet in our chapel.

BOTH IDEAS REJECTED.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/16/2017 11:27PM by GNPE.

The church was never my community and I grew up in it in the revered 60s and 70s

Your sense of community was an illusion of people doing what you do simultaneously. They never cared really. And since I wasn't interested in what they like to do, I never even had that.

Wow! I wasn't expecting so many great replies. I appreciate everyone's suggestions. I'm going to look into some volunteer opportunities as well as some meetup groups in my area. I even found an ex-Mormon group so may try that too. Thanks again eeeyone, I really appreciate you taking the time to post. :)

The "sense of community" started dying off about twenty years ago. The classic fraternal organizations and many churches have been hit the hardest. As soon as the baby boomers start dropping in mass numbers, a lot of those groups are going to go with them.