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Posted by: Feeling guilty ( )
Date: August 11, 2017 06:01PM

Before I was married I was a gung ho Mormon. One hundred percent. I planned on marrying an RM and going through the temple.
Then I met my husband, a handsome, hardworking fellow who had pretty much apostatized in his teens. But he liked me, so he started going to church. He decided to go to the temple. He had his life planned, so he didn't change his plans for a mission, but I accepted that.

We got married in the temple, and I was weirded out. He thought it was very symbolic and wonderful. From that point, he started becoming more of a believer and I became more of a skeptic and an unbeliever.

Several children later, I couldn't take it any more. He had been a bishop and in the stake leadership. I was still a 100%-er in deeds, but not in thought. I was in angst all the time. I didn't want my children to end up like me, so I made the decision to quit.

This wasn't sudden. I was becoming more and more unhappy. I felt like a hypocrite. I toyed with the idea for several years, but I think my husband never thought it would happen.

When I did it, it was cold turkey. All my children have followed me.

But it makes me very sad that I was the one who brought my husband back into activity, and he became a believer. And then I abandoned the whole idea. And now he's alone in the family in his beliefs.

How can I live with myself about this?

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: August 11, 2017 06:13PM

My dad was raised Episcopalian, but he agreed to marry my mom in the Catholic church and to raise his kids Catholic. He made that accommodation because he loved my mom. He never formally joined the Catholic church. He always put family well ahead of any church requirements or demands.

I would not fee guilty about the decisions that your husband has made. I think the fact that you had different reaction your first time through the temple tells the tale. The church works for him. If your marriage is good, I would not let your husband's church involvement trouble you.

SusieQ#1 has written a great post (that she reposts periodically) about how to make it work with a believing spouse. I don't know if this is the most recent version, but this is what I pulled up:

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1274642

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Posted by: Chicken N. Backpacks ( )
Date: August 11, 2017 11:01PM

Episcopalianism is Catholic Light

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Posted by: wiggins ( )
Date: August 11, 2017 08:43PM

Please consider this: You may be "guilty" of the things you wrote, but should you feel *shame* about your behavior?

Who lied to whom? Not you, not him. Tscc lied to both of you, and you have both suffered from those lies. Neither of you acted out of malice or ill intent.

I find it a loving thing that you now wonder how to help him through the misery that Tscc still imposes on him; you love him enough that you feel his pain. You are not the one imposing that pain.

I would ask that you consider this. If you had a sister who was being beaten by her SO, would you feel shame because you were not also being beaten? Of course not.

That is what is happening. Your DH's misery is not due to your freedom, but to the fact that he is not (yet) freed. It is a mo mindset to think that you are somehow at fault. He is an adult, and he now chooses* to remain a captive, rather than join the rest of his family in freedom.

It IS sad, but it is not your choice, nor your responsibilty.

*chooses - I use that word loosely, because in mo-dom, there are other emotional and logistical considerations. And, seeing "mo-dom" written like that brings to mind mo-domination, and I think that's quite apt to the abuse.

I hope this helps, and I wish you the best.

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Posted by: anagrammy ( )
Date: August 11, 2017 09:28PM

My heart goes out to you because it is only a compassionate, loving person who thinks like you do.

Your thoughts are going off into the weeds of "if only I had done this instead of that" It is a common trap that happens after a traumatic event. Everyone has a thought like that but it is a delusion that a given trauma is your "fault" because you turned right instead of left.

You can understand how wrong this thinking is when you apply it to a trip you urged someone to take. They took it and were injured in a skiing accident. Is that your fault? NO.

You gave your husband information which someone else could have given him, or which was available on the internet. There are many reasons a person chooses to be converted to Mormonism. Many of them are not healthy, they come from deep emotional deficits which have never been addressed.

The motives behind his conversion are complex and only one facet of that was you.

He can still have a happy life if you base your family on the principle of tolerance and diversity. SuzyQ#1 did it and so can you. Remember, plenty of people stay in Mormonism KNOWING that it is completely false. We know this. They stay because it meets their needs and they don't give a damn about any of the doctrines, historical facts, history of lies, misuse of funds, sexual abuse, failure to .....on and on.

He doesn't care. And if you want to stay married and raise your children together, that has to be ok with you.

This is not easy because it had to be NOT ok with you in order for you to make the decision to leave. The tolerance towards those who don't care about the truth is a real spiritual growth element for you, a real challenge. You will grow stronger as a result. Stronger and kinder.

And you are setting a wonderful example of family priorities for your children.

Your husband's a lucky fellow!


Kathleen

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: August 12, 2017 07:20PM

This is beautiful wisdom, Kathleen.

For Feeling Guilty--people grow and mature regarding their world-views. You are not the same person today as you were when you introduced your future husband to Mormonism. He is not the same man now as he was then.

Celebrate your love and marriage. Acknowledge that you both grew in ways you couldn't fantom years ago.

Your children are also growing and changing. As a couple be there for them. ((((hugs))))

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Posted by: PollyDee ( )
Date: August 12, 2017 11:39PM

I completely agree! My children followed me out, however, for various reasons, my husband remained TBM, and I respected his choice. I used to tell him that I was praying for him (snicker)...but still, it took over ten years for him to find his way out.

My advice... simply love him!

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Posted by: feeling guilty ( )
Date: August 11, 2017 10:34PM

Thanks, everyone.

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Posted by: Free Man ( )
Date: August 12, 2017 06:18PM

Not only were you involved in a church scam, but you were also indoctrinated into the scam of marriage. Not your fault.

We promise to love each other, then we change and we can't.

The only vow in marriage should be to help raise the kids. Otherwise, you should be free to leave.

As soon as the kids are grown, bail. And never get married again.

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