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Posted by: steve benson ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 04:13PM

There, I said it, and as a stand-alone thread.

For quite some time, folks in this forum, as well as in others across a worldwide Net, have been grappling with a pre-eminent issue of our time: What accounts for the peculiar smell common to the chapels of Mormonism's peculiar people?

The The rumble on this has been a raucous, if not righteous:

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1997420,1997420#msg-1997420


Defiantly devout and defensive Mormons, of course, hotly deny that such a stench abounds within the sanctified service center of Mormon wardhouses. One such Say-It-Ain't-So Saint apparently takes this unholy charge quite personally, going so far as to declarecin the Deseret News that Mormons don't smell and that's because being non-smelly is very sacred to being Mormon:

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700026392/Lack-of-scent-is-sacred-for-Mormons.html


Still, as many will,l and donattest, the inner stink still lingers and will for sometime. Plenty of theories have been offered to explain this strange odor--the United Odor, if you will--behind it all. Culprits include, but are not limited to, the following:

-Cheerios for feeding children during sacrament meeting

-Heavy use of perfume by the sisters

-Burlap-covered wardhouse walls

-Cheap interior carpet

-Discontinuation of paid janitors, instead replaced by ward volunteers who don't know how to, or don't want to, deep clean

-A lingering mixture of various cleaning chemicals

-Wardhouse kitchens holding odd or rotting food

-Dirty diapers

-Unsanitized pews

-Lots of old people in attendance, particularly High Priests

-Mormons crowded into confined wardhouse space while in tbecmiddke of digesting their personal food storage

-Stale cigarette smoke on the clothing of wayward Mormons who come to church to worship while violating the Word of Wisdom at home

The list goes on, and I'm sure you have your own suspects to add to it.
-----

If I may, i would like to add mine. It is only one but, in my opinion, it is a big one. Perhaps even the biggest one of all.

I would like to bear my tell-it-like-it-is unsaintly Shiz that the supreme source of stink being raised in Mormon wardhouses today is--quite literally--unwashed, unchanged, unforgiving and unfettered stinky Mormon temple garments. Oh,gawd, cast this stench from my snout! (repeated three times).

Put another way (and to be ex-Mormonly honest and blasphemously blunt), I am convinced beyond a shadow of a nose-wrinkling doubt that much--indeed, most--of the sour and even rank smell wafting through Mormon and this is these, latter days, can be naturally and organically traced to ungodly Mormon garments not regularly being:

(1) changed,

(2) laundered, or

(3) had their stitched-in Masonic emblems cut out and burned with what's left turned into handy dish rags.

The reasons for Mormon garments emissions being the primary cause of wardhouse warming are as plain as the nose on your face.

The Mormon garments' bizarre, non-contoured design that creeps and crawls virtually anywhere then refuses to back out, combined with their thin, non-durable, non-absorbant, sticky-icky, fabric lead to quick, predictable, constant, unsightly and unsanitary soiling in ways not typical of normal human underwear--and certainly in ways that are inhumanely unfit for normal human fitting.

I wore this awful armor of God in the super-gooey tropical climes of Okinawa on my mission. We would come home after a hard day of tracting with salt rings encircling are trouser legs from top to bottom. We didn't take our garments off--we PEELED them off. They didn't "breathe"--leading to what we unceremoniously described as the development of "The Crud" in all of our moist personal body nooks and crannies.

Oh, and they smelled like hell.

Give me Haynes or Fruit of the Loom any day over Elohim's Uncleanliness-is-Next-to-Gross-out-Godliness garmies for the Lord's Armpit Armies. How can this sacred sweat-lodged montage even serve as a "shield and a protection" when it's bad enough getting into them, not to mention odiferously nauseating to stay inside of them, especially when they end up stinking so bad?

Yech! Talk about uncouth and uncool. It makes me wonder how Mormons can manage to ignore their unflattering bunched-up undies long enough to produce as many babies as they do. Talk about a test of faith and no sense of fashion.

No wonder they're secret.

Pssst, brothers and sisters. Before you go stinking up the chapel again . . .

https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fi5.walmartimages.com%2Fasr%2Fcf6696da-0fea-4abf-bb51-075fd0cb6a11_1.2ff2fc9040c47576d4c48b3f52bcbff3.jpeg%3FodnHeight%3D450%26odnWidth%3D450%26odnBg%3DFFFFFF&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.walmart.com%2Fip%2FSecret-Bora-Bora-Fresh-Orchid-Clear-Gel-Antiperspirant-Deodorant-2.6-oz%2F43494486&docid=TyrKxrBpaDNctM&tbnid=si08r62__VzfYM%3A&vet=10ahUKEwjygKm9-JDVAhUC4GMKHZu9BcAQMwijASgXMBc..i&w=450&h=450&client=safari&bih=559&biw=375&q=Secret%20deodorant%20stick&ved=0ahUKEwjygKm9-JDVAhUC4GMKHZu9BcAQMwijASgXMBc&iact=mrc&uact=8


Learn from the Scriptures. The people in the Book of Mormon got the hint, especially when folks started to complain.

As we read in Alma 19, verse 5, the wife of King Lamoni tells Alma:

"I would that ye should go in and see my husband, for he has been laid upon his bed for the space of two days and two nights; and some say that he is not dead, but others say that he is dead and that he stinketh, and that he ought to be placed in the sepulchre; but as for myself, to me he doth not stink."

Yo, Queen, he stinks. Get him out of those garments.

What's that sign on the outside of your wardhouses?: "Visitors Welcome. Nose Plugs Advised."

Might wanna focus less on your anointings and more on your washings.

In the name of--Jesus Christ, this wardhouse smells like ramen!



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/17/2017 04:45PM by steve benson.

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Posted by: ificouldhietokolob ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 04:17PM

Yep, garments do indeed stink.
In every sense of that word :)

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Posted by: steve benson ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 04:46PM


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Posted by: scmd ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 04:57PM

This would account for the smell being present in temples. There is no great reason for Cheerios to be (though I cannot categorically deny that there ARE) in the temple. I've brought Skittles and M & Ms in there personally, but never Cheerios.

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Posted by: steve benson ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 07:56PM

Take a look at the picture provided, then imagine this caption:

"Yeah, it smells pretty bad but just be glad you're wearing only the bottom half of your army garmies and we aren't cooped up in the elders quorum room."

https://media.ldscdn.org/images/media-library/gospel-art/book-of-mormon/two-thousand-stripling-warriors-39660-print.jpg?download=true



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 07/18/2017 02:21AM by steve benson.

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Posted by: scmd ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 05:14AM

steve benson Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Take a look at the picture provided, then imagine
> this caption:
>
> "Yeah, it smells pretty bad but just be glad
> you're wearing only the bottom half of your army
> garmies and we aren't cooped up in the elders
> quorum room."
>
> https://media.ldscdn.org/images/media-library/gosp
> el-art/book-of-mormon/two-thousand-stripling-warri
> ors-39660-print.jpg?download=true


Great image!

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Posted by: janis ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 05:18PM

That was the first thing I noticed when I started wearing those things. I'm not a real sweaty person, but suddenly I had the need to shower at least twice a day. I couldn't stand the way I smelled. Clothing that had be dry cleaned was out. I couldn't wear clothing for more than 4 hours before I would notice a smell i'd never had before.

The men and women who wear the same suits to church week after week without dry cleaning them and most likely adding more than their share to the mormon smell.

It was horrid when i'd go to my grandparents ward. It was full of elderly people who didn't seem to see a need for deodorant. Add to that hot summer weather. It was awful.

I got so I seldom wore garments in the summer. I couldn't stand being in that slimy straight jacket. I have no clue how some people do it. How do you work outside all day in those things without dying from heat exhaustion?

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Posted by: steve benson ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 07:10PM

Actually, it's pee-ewwtiful.

Once you pick up the scent, it's like noticing a smell of something putrid in a ward (no pun intended) that's set aside to assist the dying. Either that, or it's simply unpleasant.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/17/2017 07:27PM by steve benson.

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Posted by: Pew Trid ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 05:20PM

This is a sick thread.

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Posted by: steve benson ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 06:46PM

But I should have expected your denunciation--and, given your first name, I did.

Pass the Cheerios to that crying kid, Brother Trid.

And change your garments.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 07/18/2017 02:23AM by steve benson.

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Posted by: abby ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 05:38PM

I must be immune. I don't think there was any noticeable stench each week. Only when they put new carpet in and that smell lingered. There's the occasional member with a signature scent. Overall, nothing stands out.

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Posted by: steve benson ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 06:44PM

. . . the dead cat under the hood of your car.

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Posted by: catnip ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 08:15PM

My garmies never got nasty because 1) I defied the rule and wore them OUTSIDE of regular underwear (I couldn't stand the way they FELT) and 2) Aside from my fairly brief period of intense TBM-ness, I didn't wear them that often. I happily discontinued them altogether and returned to real underwear about the time I ordered my first iced tea.

On the other hand, I enjoyed (for a time) having "garmie lines," because they revealed (to the inner circle) that I was a real member of the Club. When we vacationed in SLC, I LOVED checking out other people for garmie lines. Having them myself made me feel SO SPESHUL!!

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Posted by: steve benson ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 01:55AM

would wrap both of their legs with a single strand of adhesive tape, one for each leg.

They would place this strip of tape just above the knee where the garment line would ordinarily be.

The raised line it produced could be detected by its shape pushing up from underneath the trouser and was said to be a pretty convincing imitation of the real thing.

It was also said to be a trusty way to mimick the feel of the garment line, should an interested BYU coed wish to further authenticate this promising indication of a garment wearer within grasp by doing a quick and furtive touch-check of what was lurking for the Lord beneath the levis for the ladies.

Bottom line, so to speak: The story was that the ploy looked and felt like an actual garment line. I do not have any elders quorum executive session notes from my days as the EQP in the Provo 78th Branch referencing any case study research efforts to return and report in real time on just how well the tempting tape was doing its job at reeling in TBM wife bait.

The claim, however, was that it was a convincing look-'n-hook lure in attracting hits from hungry females eagerly working BYU's teeming RfM streams for a worthy temple prospect to sign, seal and deliver them to the altar with their coveted MRS. degree.
_____


Congrats, by the way, for following your way out of both garments and the Mormon Church behind a tempting glass of iced-viced tea. :)



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 07/18/2017 02:24AM by steve benson.

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Posted by: ificouldhietokolob ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 09:14AM

steve benson Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> ...a quick and furtive touch-check of what was
> lurking for the Lord beneath the levis for the
> ladies.

I played golf this weekend with three never-mos.
Due to a run-in on the course with a Quebecois, the question of how I knew French came up. So I explained the mission, growing up mormon, leaving, etc. briefly.

One of the three asked if I had gone to BYU. He wanted to know because he'd heard stories that it was a hotbed of marriage-making and not a "real" university. I told him that it was more of the former, but a bit of the latter.

Then he asked if it was really true that students would be expelled if they had unmarried sex...

Yes, I said. But they get around that with "levi-lovin'."

Quizzical look. Quick google search on phone. Raucous laughter at the absurdity of the practice. And it kept the other three distracted enough for me to take 6 skins :)

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Posted by: steve benson ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 08:16PM

. . . as the righteous were enticed into wickedness by the Anti-Knee High Levites.

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Posted by: NevermoinIdaho ( )
Date: July 19, 2017 09:11PM

Just to throw this in, given my nevermo status, wanting to know about somebody else's underwear as a factor in a dating decision is CREEEEEEEEEEPY WEIRD.

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Posted by: Thinking ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 08:19PM

You are on the trail, reminds me of Pepe Le Pew. I think a pheromone is let off that not even the sacred "g's" can cover up when somebody believes in BS. Especially thick in Mormonism. Kinda like I want to eat one thing, but my digestive systems says "not so fast".

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Posted by: Anon370855V ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 07:28AM

...and then there are the folks who only bathe on Saturday nights and won't use deodorant because it'll give you cancer. Or is it Alzheimers?

"Speaking" as a short person, when one gets one of those "AW, c'mere!" type hugs, one's nose is right at the level of the armpit. Phew!

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Posted by: steve benson ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 07:57AM

If you can't take the heat, get out of the garments. Otherwise, you're just making it worse for the rest of us.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/18/2017 07:58AM by steve benson.

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Posted by: cutekitty ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 03:03PM

VINEGAR!!!!White vinegar is supposed to take out yellow stains, like pit juice from g's.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/18/2017 03:15PM by cutekitty.

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Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 03:15PM

One More Reason not to visit an LDS chapel (as if needed, ha ha)

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Posted by: samwitch ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 08:50PM

Also, they rarely empty the trash cans in the "mothers' room," which are filled with dirty diapers and things that have been spit up upon. That smell can permeate the entire building.

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Posted by: steve benson ( )
Date: July 19, 2017 02:01AM

Which is merely another name for Mormon modern-day revelation.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/19/2017 02:00PM by steve benson.

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Posted by: presleynfactsrock ( )
Date: July 26, 2017 12:53PM

The abundance of nauseating smells freely and abundantly advertises the shitload of crap the church sells for members' fees of 10% plus.

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