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Posted by: Confusion ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 10:28PM

So, a little bit about my situation. I have been in a relationship with someone for about 8 years. We actually left the church together so long journey.

Anyway, he has a criminal record, which makes it really hard for him to find work. I personally believe if he really wanted to, he would figure something out, but I understand that it's hard.

After much convincing, he is finally going to school for a field which is lenient about past convictions, so that is something.

Unfortunately, however, this summer, with all of his classes online, he still has not found any kind of work. He also will not clean the house, saying that it's too messy/it just gets messed up/he doesn't know what to do without my input. I would help, but I am working my @ss off to keep us afloat, and we are really struggling.

It makes me sick that he sees me struggle and work like this...and does nothing. I am at a point where I can't take it anymore and am thinking about leaving. I would like some advice. Perhaps this is due to how men are viewed in the church.

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Posted by: siobhan ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 11:07PM

Yeah. I had a Mormon housemate. When I told him one time too many to get a job he beat me half to death.
I am nevermo but, yes, I do think it is due to how Mormon boys are raised. They either want to be the only breadwinner so the wife will be the family slave or they think they don't have to work because having a penis is enough.
Hope I haven't offended too many people. Just my opinion based on my experience.

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Posted by: epic ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 11:36PM

It doesn't matter WHY he is using you; it matters WHY you allow it.

You said a long road, so I assume this has been going on for ... more than a year?

Here's your answer: Leave.

If he loves you, he will get his ass in gear, pay his own bills, clean up after himself, try to win you back.

If he's using you, he will hound you for awhile, make all kinds of promises of the doing the things he could have been doing all along, maybe use threats, but shortly will find someone else to use.

Get packin', sweetie. Life's too short to shackle yourself to a user.

A man (or woman) who loves you wants to ease your pain and burden, not add to them. Clear your head and THINK. You've been sucked in.

And change all of your account numbers and passcodes, ASAP.



Here's the really sad part. Someone who loves you will do all the things you've been doing for him. You're on a one-way street, and I'm sorry.

Get mad. Get going.

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Posted by: Confusion ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 11:37PM

Thank you. I believe you're right.

It's sad because everyone tells me how great he is and how lucky I am; he seemingly treats me well, but people don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I appreciate the input.

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Posted by: siobhan ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 01:09AM

Exactly what happened in my case.

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Posted by: CateS ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 06:06PM

Epic is totally right and expressed it perfectly. Especially the part of how he'll act and what it means when you leaves. If it's the latter, don't let him trick you into coming back.

You can so do better than this guy.

Good luck. Consider yourself lucky for not having married and (god forbid) had kids with him.

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Posted by: Heartless ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 11:38PM

I am not sure the type of convictions your friend has but a friend of mine was able to get his record expunged.

Of course he'd been clean and out of trouble many years but it may be something to look into.

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Posted by: bobofitz ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 12:03AM

Yes, good idea. That will be a good project for him to work on when he's on his own and not using her anymore.

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Posted by: anonuk ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 06:52AM

that guy doesn't want to work and the situation you provide means he has no NEED to work, either. He is behaving in a very immature manner - there are other threads discussing how being raised mormon tends to stunt people emotionally so they do not fully mature their cognitive functions, eg rational thinking.

Stop being a doormat - you deserve better, even if 'better' is single for a while so you can learn where to place your boundaries when it comes to relationships.

Just because you left church together does not mean you have to spend the rest of your lives together, no matter what his (or your) family say about the matter.

One thing is clear, however, and that is that the two of you are NOT on the same page, do not want the same things and do not value each other equally. He needs to pull his weight and take his place in the team rather than continue to be an individual who shares a habitat with you.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 08:32AM

Given that you had to work rather hard to convince him to go back to school, he seems to lack ambition. It's possible that he might develop it as his skills and confidence increase. But for right now, I wouldn't expect anything different.

One thing that I think would be worthwhile is to take the time to train him on how to clean each room. Women tend to pick this up from their mothers, but men don't always, especially if they were raised in traditional households.

How long will it take for him to complete his schooling?

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Posted by: cl2 ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 12:36PM

His 2 full-time employees spent time in prison for drugs. My ex works for a very large company and only needs those 2 employees. But he has used some part-time people with records, too.

There are jobs. These 2 guys who are full time (I know them well) have had many jobs before this one.

He's lazy or lacks ambition. That is one thing I have learned from Dr. Phil. Years ago after my ex had left me, I was watching him on Oprah and a woman told Dr. Phil how her ex would come by to have sex, etc., but didn't want to be married to her. (Mine's gay, so not an issue.) Dr. Phil asked why he did that and the lady thought for a few moments and said, "Because I let him." Dr. Phil said, "Bingo." I learned a HUGE lesson that day.

I still tend to let people walk all over me, but nothing like I used to. My ex and I are friends now. I don't let my boyfriend treat me like my ex did. I don't stand up to my kids like I should, but I do stand up to my sister when I used to let her walk all over me. I no longer have anything to do with my sister.

He isn't going to change as long as you keep putting up with his behavior. (Oh, don't you leave, you KICK HIM OUT.)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/17/2017 12:36PM by cl2.

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Posted by: CateS ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 06:09PM

Dr. Phil is so wise.

Best line from Dr. Phil. "Best indicator of future behavior is past behavior."

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Posted by: rubi123 ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 01:31PM

He sounds like a real loser. You, on the other hand, sound like a winner. You just need to believe that and move on from him.

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Posted by: ikandee2000 ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 06:14PM

I've been on both sides of this coin. I was married to a narc that used me for money, and refused to assist in his share of the household responsibilities. I have also been unemployed and too depressed to move, get out of bed, get dressed, clean, or look for a job. So, is he using you, or is he depressed? They can look very similar. Either way, I wish you both well, be it together or apart. If I were to impart any advise I would recommend you listen to your intuition. It's always right.

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Posted by: janis ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 06:34PM

Something I told my kids until I sounded like a broken record, and then still kept saying it:

When someone tells you who they are, believe them the FIRST time.

This person has made it very clear what they're all about. Believe them. No more free ride.

Change all passwords, account numbers, especially credit cards or any way he can take your money.

I'm going to guess he's not on the lease? Tell him he's got x amount of days to take a hike. Don't feel safe? The police will escort him out. Be sure you have new locks at the ready, and change your locks if you stay there.Have someone come and stay with you. A father figure is a good type of person for this.

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Posted by: SusieQ#1 ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 10:18PM

My question is: why are with someone who will not contribute to all facets of your home, relationship, etc.??? As an outsider, it looks like you've attached your star to someone who has a failure-whoa is me complex and wants a mother-keeper to take care of him.

Why do you think this is all you deserve? You know that you want more out of your life, relationship, home.

My advice is to let the dead weight go!

My view? You know what you need to do. Now do it. :-)

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Posted by: NeverMoJohn ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 10:58PM

DTMFA (Dump The Mutha F Already)

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Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 11:32PM

How old is his 'record', & what for?

Any repeats?

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Posted by: Tiare ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 01:51PM

Men are supposed to provide and protect. I understand some are more feminine, and if you're the worker bee that's fine but he should clean and cook and run all Of the errands so when you get home you can relax.

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Posted by: SusieQ#1 ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 02:24PM

I just noticed you signed this: "Confused". No. You are not confused, you know what needs to happen.

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