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Posted by: fred ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 01:11AM

Not sure what to think about this. This is from a sibling, who I was close with. I never flat out told her what happened around my leaving and the shunning that made me, DW and kids go no contact. I recently unblocked everyone out of curiosity. Here is her text.

"Hey, just wanted to say I miss you guys. I have no idea what went down with you guys, because our family who can't communicate never talk about it (they talk about memories of you guys, but never specifics of what happened). Anyway I didn't even know anything until almost a year later.

So I have no foundation for actually knowing what happened. Anyway, I'm babbling. Basically I just wanted to say whatever it was, i miss you guys! I respect the decisions you have made, and I know that our family has a tendency to be traditional and hard in a few different aspects, but I hope that I personally didn't do anything to offend you guys or not feel comfortable around me.

I hope you guys and your kids are well!"

Thoughts?



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/16/2017 01:13AM by fred.

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Posted by: anonuk ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 01:37AM

"but I hope that I personally didn't do anything to offend you guys or not feel comfortable around me"

still talking churchspeak - still into church. Possibly wants a relationship where no religion is discussed, but we all know that turns out to be pie in the sky because the mormon church is their life and therefore they cannot help but to talk about it; leadership and membership alike.

I had a similar conversation with my younger brother - he said the right things but the emotions that should have accompanied the words were not there. My brother was merely going through the motions but only to minimise or eradicate any feelings of guilt, and only doing what can only be described as the bare minimum.

It might go well with you and your sibling, or she may just be playing the long game to get you back in. Only time will tell. Don't expect too much, then you won't be disappointed or cross with yourself if it all goes wrong somewhere down the line.

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Posted by: gatorman ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 01:45AM

Answer honestly but generically- "we are well......give a few accomplishments at work, school,kids,etc...perhaps mention a recent vacation..."

Make no comment or commitment on uniting or meeting. At this stage do not give email..then wait. Why the sudden text is speculative-guilt, she was nominated by rest of clan to make contact or she is wanting out herself. Time will tell.

Gatorman
Wait and see..

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 02:27AM

It's a start, an opening. Begin a conversation, and see where it goes. You may need to establish some ground rules at some point in a friendly but firm fashion.

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Posted by: Bang ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 03:09AM

You know your sibling better than us, so you are in a better position to determine if they are being genuine or not.

I was stuck by this line ""Hey, just wanted to say I miss you guys. I have no idea what went down with you guys, because our family who can't communicate never talk about it (they talk about memories of you guys, but never specifics of what happened). Anyway I didn't even know anything until almost a year later."

"I didn't even know anything until almost a year later."???? Really, a year later?

They talk about their family not being able to communicate, but did he ask what happened?

Evidently, there was a lot of time between the "event" and them reaching out to you, if they didn't know anything, why were they not in contact with you much sooner?

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Posted by: bradley ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 05:58AM

That's what it's like inside the bubble. Whatever reason you were offended, we're sorry you think that way, so please come back so we don't feel guilty about not saving you from being dragged down to hell.

The problem with having a relationship with a TBM is that you'll always feel like your being judged even if it's not personal. If they like you but don't like your kind, that doesn't work. It's why there are so few blacks in the church.

It's like someone who stopped using deodorant wondering why you don't like being near them. If you tell them, they'll say "Nope, I don't smell anything". It feels weird to have a friend with an air of superiority, unless they actually are superior. If they're the fool believing blatant lies and looking down on you for not believing, that's offensive. That's why when I look back at my TBM days, I'm embarrassed at how big an asshole I was.

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Posted by: Dave the Atheist ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 06:22AM

"traditional and hard in a few different aspects" ... mormonspeak for "we will continue to disrespect you and shun you."

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Posted by: carameldreams ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 12:52AM

Dave the Atheist Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> "traditional and hard in a few different aspects"
> ... mormonspeak for "we will continue to
> disrespect you and shun you."

Yeppa. Or fake, superficial 'reaching out'. Then said sibling can report back to The Family. It's always fun to be the one with the juiciest gossip.

No one has to 'hope' they didn't offend. Ask! 'Where have I been offensive? How have I made relationship impossible?'

ASK, don't 'hope'.

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Posted by: nonmo_1 ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 08:41AM

I'll tell you what I would do, if I was the person sending the text.


If I was wondering about you, wanted to catch up, find out about what -you- have been doing...I would call you...

Texting (not just for mormons), has become the passive-aggressive way to communicate....when you do NOT want (possibly) undesired feedback.

I think your friend has an idea what went down, but wanted to say, it wasn't their fault...


just my opinion.

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Posted by: peculiargifts ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 10:57AM

Well, some people may use texting in a passive-aggressive way, but the huge majority of people I know don't. Personally, I like texting (and *sometimes* prefer it over calling) because it gives the recipient a chance to think about a response, rather than putting someone on the spot for an immediate response. It seems more considerate, especially in any situation which may be even a little touchy.

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Posted by: nonmo_1 ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 12:47PM

New school v. old school. I am not saying that I am right and you are wrong. Maybe in my reply to the OP, I that's how I feel, but in general.

I use texting for immediate communication of information-
"be there at 7."
"What do you want on your pizza?
"Are you coming over?
"What time does the party start?"

If I wanted detailed info as to where someone has been or what they were up to, then I would call.

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Posted by: dagny ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 01:19PM

Hahaha. The curiosity is killing them. Make them beg for information.

Remember that for their world view to work, they need to validate that you did something wrong. Simply studying your way out or outgrowing the church puzzles them.

Don't rant when you finally unload to them. Keep it high level and factual. When they start getting the pin-wheel testimony "pray about it" eyes, that is the sign they have gone into defense mode.

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

Good luck.

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Posted by: Anonsometimes ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 10:03PM

Sounds like she is baiting you for a response so she doesn't feel so guilty or get information on you.

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 10:28PM

My deconstruction:

Makes too big a case of her innocence to be innocent.

Throws in the "offended" word. Classic Mormon insult.

Didn't know what went down? Really? In a Mormon family?

Found out a year later? Really? In a Mormon family?

Says nothing about herself, how she's doing, things she would want you to know if she were actually wanting to get reacquainted.

Mormons ARE socially challenged, so you could give her a break on that basis if you choose, but my guess is they decided the shunning didn't work, you didn't come begging to be let back in and allow them to forgive you, and so the fishing expedition.

Maybe she is sincere but inept. Only one way to find out. Ask her what's new in her life. Leave religion out of it. See if she wants a real relationship. She might.

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Posted by: Jonny the Smoke ( )
Date: July 18, 2017 11:29AM

Wow! I'm surprised (well maybe not really) at the tone of the replies to this post. Seems most are making a judgement about this siblings intent and it's quite negative.

Here is what I make of it....

"Hey, just wanted to say I miss you guys.

> I think she genuinely misses you, especially if you were close as you said you were. She's a sibling first, not a HT or VT or EQ leader or RS President.......well maybe she is, but I don't think that's where she is coming from. She's reaching out to a loved one.

I have no idea what went down with you guys, because our family who can't communicate never talk about it (they talk about memories of you guys, but never specifics of what happened). Anyway I didn't even know anything until almost a year later.

> She's letting you know she wasn't intentionally shunning you. Life gets busy, the family doesn't communicate, she lost track of things and pretty soon a year has past and she realized something was up with you and didn't know anything about it.

So I have no foundation for actually knowing what happened.

> Letting you know she isn't judging you, because she has no info to make a judgement with, but knows something happened regarding you and the church.

Anyway, I'm babbling. Basically I just wanted to say whatever it was, i miss you guys!

> She genuinely misses you, and doesn't care about the "issue" or what ever it was.

I respect the decisions you have made, and I know that our family has a tendency to be traditional and hard in a few different aspects, but I hope that I personally didn't do anything to offend you guys or not feel comfortable around me.

> Again, she telling you isn't shunning and hasn't made a judgement about you. She's acknowledging that the TBM family is stuck in mormonism and that can put people in a difficult family situation, but she wants you to know you can feel safe with her. She know's there will be no reuniting if you, the exmo, don't feel comfortable around what she knows is a situation made more difficult by mormonism.

I hope you guys and your kids are well!"

> She hopes you and your kids are well....:)

That's what I think. I'd be open to getting back in touch with her. You have a say in this thing too, so say it, and see where it leads. It might lead her somewhere new too. And you can always block her again if it goes south.

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