Date: July 16, 2017 11:24AM
No one's story and pain are redundant. The recurring themes belong to the evil that is TSCC.
How to move forward? That's it, and where it begins... Keep.Moving. Don't let the anyone with the LDS disease stand in your way or pour their filthy toxic tar onto your path. Toxic is toxic, however they might be genetically connected to you.
It takes time and work to develop antitoxin prevention and remedies. You describe an event when you allowed a toxin to nearly take your life. That toxin (aka brother) has made the choice to be toxic to you. You can't control his choices, but it is possible to control your own.
I'm not one who will put my life or emotions on hold waiting and hoping for someone to change. That doesn't touch on reality for me. You are correct; you are mourning a loss, and it will get better. If your toxic brother ever cleans up his mental mess, you then can decide if you can trust him, but for now, he has shown himself to be untrustworthy.
You must develop an independent resistance to the toxins you still allow into your life. EXPECT toxicity, brace for it, don't expect it to be non-toxic.
Think of it this way - they are members of a toxic cult, and there is no way that they can free themselves of that filth, except to leave. If and when you go within the sound of their voices, you must be wearing your own bio-hazard suit and oxygen supply. You never know what contaminants will spill onto you. They will mention your toxic brother, talk about the birth, the toxic rituals to which that that poor, innocent child has been subjected. It is all emotional acid, with the capacity to burn you.
It would be unnatural for them to try to avoid such talk. You can request that they do so, but it is not within your power (or rights) to try to control them. If you choose to be around them, you own the consequences, so, suit up for toxic.
On a personal note, the beauty that was my partner was shunned, BP, and took his own life. The toxins kept living their lives as if nothing had happened, except for the pity parties they scored, whilst bragging of "how hard they tried" to "help" him. NOT. Not unless one translates "help" as "shun."
Sammi's post rings true. I think my partner never learned to love himself without their approval. I think he could not feel his own beauty, could not embrace the fullness of life separate from them. In the many years since, I've come to accept that a part of that was the mental illness, BP that went from black immobility to hallucinations. They never had him diagnosed or treated, because that would spoil the (false) image. Neglect of a dependent that should have been prosecuted, IMO.
He never had that justice, never any resolution that he was not at fault for being who he was born to be. He never learned to love himself.
Please read Sammi's post again and ask yourself if it's possible that you are only pretending to love yourself? It's what mentally healthy people do...? You might be fooling everyone else, but you can only fool yourself for so long.
Acknowledge and excise the toxins that you are able, keep moving, and learn to love yourself. Allowing the poison in may make it more difficult, but understand that their words are all about them and never -NEVER - about you as an individual.
Sorry this was so long. I think some of it may be things I never got to say to my partner, because back then, there was so much I didn't understand.
Keep reading, keep posting. ;) Keep being "redundant." It is the redundancy of the pain they inflict that lets us know that it is them inflicting the same wounds to all whom they touch. It is not us, and none of us are alone.
Peace and love to you.