Recovery Board  : RfM
Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum. 
Go to Topic: PreviousNext
Go to: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In
Posted by: anonforthisone ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 05:26PM

I'm just blown away by what our TBM family did this time. DH, I and our children left tscc a few years ago. We tried really hard to make it work with DH's uber TBM parents & siblings but we were either being shunned or mistreated by them, so we gave up and stopped responding to any of their communication about a year ago.
Recently, I guess, they had a family reunion that we were not told about or invited to, but they sent us the videos and the professional family pictures of them at the reunion. This is just crazy to me. I come from a convert/liberal/inactive Mormon family so I've never really identified with true Mormon culture. But this can't really be how Mormons behave towards their exmormon family members? Just curious to hear peoples thoughts on this.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: ..... ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 06:14PM

why be shocked about it? non temple types can't attend temple weddings so the abuse is spread all over...

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: gatorman ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 06:15PM

Yes it is. Take a family pic of all of you giving the middle finger sign and send it back....

Gatorman
Militant and tired of these stories

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: janis ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 05:09PM

I would be temped to dress my family up in swim wear, put a cocktail in everyones hand (even the baby), and cigar in every mouth. Send them the pic saying "wish you were here where its warmer."

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: janis ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 05:22PM

I cut 90% contact with 60% when in my 30's.
In my 50's I cut 100% contact with 100%. And that means just that. I'm done. Had enough. My biggest regret is that I didn't go 100% in my 30's.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: anonforthisone ( )
Date: July 17, 2017 02:58PM

Thanks for this. We're in our thirties and we are probably 90% no contact right now. Some contact is still getting to us. But I'm very ready to go 100% no contact. I could see me saying the same thing at 50. I just need to keep finding more ways to block them.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: NeverMoJohn ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 06:16PM

You could always just send the photos and videos back.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: logged out ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 06:21PM

but only after shredding them.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: summer ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 06:23PM

I think it's time for complete honesty. Email the parents and siblings back, saying that you are confused as to why they sent the pictures given their past behavior to you. Mention the shunning and mistreatment. Tell them that you are interested in having a healthy, loving relationship with them that is not conditional on you being church members. Then say that you have maintained distance from them since they can't seem to manage that much. I would maintain a respectful attitude in your email, but don't be afraid to lay your cards out on the table.

I'm sorry for your situation. I know it must be very difficult.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: anonforthisone ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 06:40PM

We tried that with them. DH called his parents and siblings to try to talk about their behavior several times. They would deny, lie, avoid, pretend like they don't know what were talking about. He even said if this behavior continues were not going to be attending family events anymore. They not only continued the behavior it got even worse.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: summer ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 07:16PM

Then it is probably time to block their emails and phone numbers.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: mav ( )
Date: July 15, 2017 10:36AM


Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 06:39PM

Slap in the face Mormon style.

I would send the photos back with a note that says, "These were sent to us by mistake since they are obviously intended for family only."

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Elder What's-his-face ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 08:30PM


Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Bite Me ( )
Date: July 15, 2017 12:32PM

Totally.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: cinda ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 06:48PM

I agree with what summer said.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: ificouldhietokolob ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 06:53PM

Yes, it can be and all too often is *exactly* how they behave.

They don't want you to be a part of their "family" as you are now. But they want to rub in your face what "wonderful" things you're missing because of your "sin." So they'll do things like take a "family portrait" someplace you weren't invited, then send it to you to let you know "Hey, you could have been in this if only you were back in the church!"

Yeah, it's disgusting. It's also very, very mormon.
I'm sorry. :(

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: donbagley ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 06:56PM

I was cut out of the family for not believing. They were happy to send me bragging photos about their big Utah houses. Daddy Warbucks paid for it all with the money he saved by depriving his first few children. The youngest ones were given everything. These people have to be blocked. They're insufferable.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: cl2 ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 06:57PM


Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Babyloncansuckit ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 07:20PM

Apostates, those who were once Mormons but "fell away", are the Mormon equivalent of dog poop. They hate having dog poop in their family, so they will always try to reform you. They can't understand that you're not what stinks. This is what Mormonism really does for families.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: notmonotloggedin ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 08:03PM

At one point, their behaviour was so egregious that I confronted TBM MIL. I was not rude but I was to the point. It felt wonderful to finally call her out on her actions. There was no mistaking she understood me. But it was as if it went right. over. her. head. Similarly with TBM SIL who was unbelievably rude to us in a particular situation and cost us a lot of money.
I let it go. However, about a month later something forced her hand (I know I'm being vague here) into making an excuse for her behaviour-the excuse was a blatant lie and I knew the facts. I called her out on it and she called me "mean". Mean for speaking the truth. Nevermind her The only thing I can tell you is that they will NEVER be wrong-never.

Flash forward to recent visits (visiting is one-sided which is a whole other issue). When we are in from of them they are always bemoaning how far away we live and how much they love us.

They aren't fooling anyone.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: William Law ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 08:17PM

Happened to me too, exactly as you describe. Might be in the playbook.

Luckily, I don't care any more and they have no power over me. I came to the realization that it only bothers me if I give some credence to the Mormon idea of family.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Et ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 09:01PM

That shunning behavior is so cult like.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: No god ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 09:04PM

Shunning is emotional and psychological abuse. Shame on TBM who always use this tactic even on their own families

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: SusieQ#1 ( )
Date: July 14, 2017 09:08PM

Unfortunately, some LDS are ill equipped to deal with anyone that left the church. I think part of it is fear. They are afraid free thinking will rub off. So they circle the wagons. The idea of a testimony is apparently so delicate and weak, the littlest thing can send them into some horrible "sin" and bingo - the testimony is gone. Just like that. Over. Done.
Fear. Yup. Lots of it.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Breeze ( )
Date: July 15, 2017 03:13AM

Yes, definitely yes. Shunning is a part of true Mormon culture.

The GA Mormon Royalty side of my family had shunned me completely. The other side of my family also go back to the earliest Mormons, but they were not polygamists. They are more intellectual (male and female professors at BYU and other universities, doctors, writers, business men, women politicians). So, there are exceptions. When the children and I resigned, I lost all of my Mormon neighborhood "friends."

Do not buy into their insanity. Those photos were mailed to you deliberately, to make you feel left out of the picture--and the family--entirely. Just because THEY think their Mormon fanaticism makes them special, makes them desirable people, makes them a family someone would want to belong to, doesn't make it so. You think of what you and your own family did on that same day, and you will realize that you were happier than the people in the photo--and you are happier every day--without them criticizing and judging you and giving you orders. Whew! My TBM Ga family was exhausting! I had a career and children to concentrate on, and no time for all that so-called "music" and busy-work. I used to be in charge of all the reunions, and they were huge, and I had to pay a large portion of the bills--and now I'm not even invited.

I think of the shunners as rude little playground children, who never grew up.

You are better off without them. More important, your children don't need that kind of rejection. Being treated like dirt can crush a person's self-esteem. I cried many tears, before I finally realized that we really didn't want people like that in our life.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: lucyloo ( )
Date: July 15, 2017 12:12PM

You are dealing with the effects of not completely nailing that coffin lid shut, so, not only did they offend you, but you allowed it. Before you think that too harsh, please finish reading this.

If by "sent," you mean "emailed," I would set an email rule not only to block, but also reply a message that you are opting to "unsubscribe" from any messages which contain attachments, and will not receive them as a function of email rules.

The reason I say this is that I cut off all communication with my family more than ten years ago. Not knowing if my mother is dead or alive is horribly painful. It doesn't matter how she neglected or abused me as a child and adult; I still want to know and I'm not even sure why this is. Maybe I want the final release it might bring. Maybe I'm tired of explaining the "Mother: Unknown" on medical questionaires.

Since my family are neither wealthy nor famous, I don't / won't have the luxury of comfort in expecting any deaths to be a news item. I have to discover by accident or go searching, but can't even be sure that it would be publicized in any way. I found out about a sister's death about a year and a half later, and a brother's - can't remember - six months to a year later.

I'm saying that shunning as a two-way street solution can also hurt the shunner, no matter whom or why.

I consider the way that your family behaved to be abusive. I give no religious excuses, such as TBM or LDS brainwashing, because as those types will unendingly advise you, religion is to be a free choice. To say it is a free choice to also be abusive is a "respect" for their spoken choices. (Caveats given for young brains.)

Make them use words if you don't wish to block them entirely; block attachments. Don't allow them plausible deniability. You stopped responding to them, and expect them to reciprocate with "normal" behavior. They are not "normal" in that they are members of a cult. Your expectation is not reasonable. The "culture" that you "never really identified with" is "cult." They were unable to completely brainwash you. Converts are never equal to BICS, in their eyes.

Read up on cults in general, any flavor, any stripe, and you will know what to "expect." You will remove their power to "shock" you.

Those are my thoughts, and it is my hope that you find them useful in some way. I wish you peace.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Trails end ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 04:21PM

You seem to expect more from pigs than grunts...this pegs the tird meter for outright mean and nasty imo...then to deny just ices the tird...its a mean game you can't win ...like arguing with an idiot...they'll take you down to their level and beat you with experience...id return the pics as was stated...block numbers or emails...or take the family pic with the middle finger salute...id just hate to let them think their meanness was getting to you...perhaps no response is the most powerful...bullies hate no response the most...been there...those four years of no contact whatsoever were better than therapy

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Recovered Molly Mormon ( )
Date: July 16, 2017 07:52PM

It is just another passive aggressive behavior to try and make you feel guilty. It is their way of saying "see what you're missing?"

Options: ReplyQuote
Go to Topic: PreviousNext
Go to: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In


Screen Name: 
Your Email (optional): 
Subject: 
Spam prevention:
Please, enter the code that you see below in the input field. This is for blocking bots that try to post this form automatically.
 **     **   ******   ********  ********   **     ** 
 **     **  **    **  **    **  **     **   **   **  
 **     **  **            **    **     **    ** **   
 **     **  **           **     **     **     ***    
 **     **  **          **      **     **    ** **   
 **     **  **    **    **      **     **   **   **  
  *******    ******     **      ********   **     **