I used to post here years back. I popped in maybe last year and said how great my life was now, with a wonderful girlfriend and almost no contact with my family.

I kept in contact with a brother. He was Mormon so that he didn't go to hell, but didn't like to be one. But was going to do it forever because he does what he has to do. He was fine with me not being one. And didn't seem to mind my telling him that he didn't need to keep doing it and that Joseph Smith made it all up. We kind of just accepted that one of us was going to be very surprised when we died. I told him that my defense was to tell God that he did such a crappy job, that how could I possibly believe it was real? My brother said good luck with that defense.

He was the only one in my family that liked me after I stopped going. And it was an embarrassingly large family. We were the closest siblings for decades. And we were each other's only trusted one. The one we told everything to.

Well, he had an affair last year, and divorced the lazy, greedy, unsupportive wife that he was planning on staying with all his life, just to do the right thing. That turned into him being somewhat shunned by the family, though nothing like me. He started drinking and gambling and sleeping with "Sugar babies". Pretty much went off the deep end. Plus stopped going to church. His life was a mess, other than he was still excellent in business.

Some of the family kept in very light contact with him. But as they were ultra mormon, and he was still a mormon, but going to hell, it was uncomfortable, very light contact, and rare contact. Family mattered more to him than it did to me. It was much harder on him. His divorce alienated his kids from him. And they pretty much only used him for an ATM machine. Ignoring him unless they needed money. And that was super hard on him. He really loved his kids, and was a great father. He really was.

He was severely depressed over it all. I kept in contact with him every week. I live in another country, but I'd call and talk for over an hour every week with him and try to keep him functioning. He let me know last Thanksgiving that he was extremely suicidal. But I was banned from bringing it up in our conversations, or telling anyone. And as we were each other's only trusted one, if I did tell, he would have nobody. So I kept his secret, and just helped him through our weekly long phone calls. He missed family. He missed his kids terribly. But didn't miss the Mormonism part, though he still considered himself one.

He killed himself late last week. The day after his lonely birthday that was ignored by family. The family was all shocked, rightfully so. I knew, but none of them knew he was hurting so bad. He was good at putting a happy face on. But he was very extremely hurting. They all are professing on fb that they wish they had known, and wished they had done more.

His ex wife blames me for the divorce. I was the exmo who led him down a path to hell. And unfortunately, even though I was blindsided by his affair, she found out about it listening with an ear to the door as he told me about it. So I was connected to that too, even though it had nothing to do with me. Probably the rest of the family thinks that I ruined him too.

Well, even though I was his closest one for decades. And it was obvious to everyone that we were. Even though I was the one who he told everything to. The only one who knew about his life for the past year. I was banned from the funeral.

His ex wife told my oldest sister (pretty much the mother of the family), that if I went, his daughter won't go. So the sister told me I can't go. I fought it. But then eventually conceded defeat knowing that I would be the evil one crashing the funeral. And everyone there didn't like me anyway. I had already bought my plane ticket home, and would fly from half way around the world. I was 30 minutes from getting on the bus to the airport when I was banned.

I went through hell knowing that I was his closest, only trusted person in the world. And I was banned. And that I was that low in the family. And that dangerous. Nobody talked to his daughter to see if it was real. Just the ex wife threatened it, and even though she was completely out of the picture in my brother's life. And very unwelcoming for any reason to my brother. To my family she must be the innocent victim of his affair that must be rallied around and protected. And if she said I can't go. Then OK. He would have been so pissed that she had that power still. And he could have never guessed that I would be banned.

Well after a couple of days of hell knowing where I stood in my family. And how cruel they were. And not one of them messaged me at all to say, "I know you guys were close, this must be hard on you." I decided that there was nothing left for me when it came to family. They won't friend me on fb. They don't care about my life at all. When I got in a car crash in a foreign country and got really hurt, not a thing. The last time I saw them was eight years ago at a funeral. And I was miserable because even nieces and nephews that used to love me last time I saw them, wouldn't talk to me then. I knew there was nothing there for me. But this was cruel beyond what I could imagine. It was the last straw. I accepted that I have no family. I am alone in this world now that my brother is gone. Except that I have an amazing and supportive girlfriend. But when it comes to family, I'm alone in this world. I have no one now.

Well a couple of days later the sister talked to the ex wife and said that it was blown out of proportion, and I could go, under the condition that I don't talk to the ex or my niece. So I could barely be tolerated, as long as I don't talk. But by then it was too late. I had already decided that I have no family. And I wasn't going to risk further pain. So I didn't get another ticket.

His funeral starts in an hour or two. I thought that I would be speaking at it, as everyone knew we were the closest. I thought that I would be handling his affairs, as I was the only one who knew what he was doing in his life at all. I was his only one, and I'm not there. I lost my best friend. My best friend of the past 30 years. And I was his. But I'm not there.

And it's all because of Mormonism. I was an accepted person in the family, with nieces and nephews that loved me tons, until mormonism became an issue. I didn't bring it up to them. I never even told them, but I'm sure the ex wife of the brother did. I just quietly stopped. So I wasn't the annoying exmo who ruined family gatherings with exmo talk. I just quietly stopped. But I became a dangerous person that must be avoided and shunned. Even by nieces and nephews that loved me tons before. I was just a dangerous guy who would lead others to hell. It hurt, but I was OK and accepting of my place. But I never imagined that I could be banned from this brother's funeral.

They are all professing how they wished that they could do more for him, and wished that they had known. Well they all know that I'm going through the most difficult time in my life, other than when my own son died. And not one of them are seeing if I'm alright. I have a huge family, and not even one of them messaged me. But they all wish they knew he was hurting supposedly on fb. Is hypocritical assholes any way to end a long story?

Sometimes recovery takes a giant stop backwards. Beware of it.

One of the worst stories of Mormon families I have ever heard.d. My sympathies on your enormous loss with your brother. Must hurt like hell.

Tell your family that a real family would have known he was hurting. Period. This wishing after the fact is just them trying to justify their apathetic selfish behavior and whitewash their absent consciences. This "I'd have known" crap is just code for "I didn't care but I don't want to be seen as a selfish shallow person."


I hope you can find peace about not having them as a family. I wouldn't give them another thought. For people like you, I wish the Mormon church would be proven to be the fraud it is publicly in a major way so that people like your family can eat about a thousand pounds of crow each and gravel at your feet as they lie in a pool of their shame.

Thanks for your interpretation of what their words are meaning. I agree. Though I didn't think it through that clearly and succinctly.

That oldest sister said that she thinks pornography addiction is what killed him.

It couldn't have been the pain of being alienated from his family. It had to be an external easy for Mormons to be judgmental cause.

At a time like this, anyone making the absurd claim that pornography killed him is just twisting the knife they already had in his back.

What is going on with these people? Even in my own family pornography is being blamed for everything. You forgot to take out the garbage? Must be the pornography. Lumps in the gravy? Must be pornography. I could scream.

And there's you. Having to listen to this stuff knowing full well anything you say will be discounted and stuffed into the "nothing an Exmo has to say counts" bin.

I know. Once I left the church, anything I had to say carried no weight at all. My family wasn't as bad as yours, but close enough.

Hang in there.

I am so sorry for your loss and for they way you and your brother were treated. I cannot even imagine the heartache you are feeling. Fuck the Mormon church!

I laugh when people say Mormonism is a family church. That is absolutely false, it tears families apart. All of the troubles in my family stem from Mormonism.

You know who's dangerous in that messed up family? They drove your brother to suicide.

They sound like horribly cruel people, no matter how they try to spin it.

You have a heart. Theirs is cold.

You will have to go through the grieving stages without any support from those misfit morons of a family. You're not only grieving the tragic, senseless loss of your brother. You're grieving the loss of the family you once knew and loved.

So very sad all the way around. Do something in your brother's memory to honor him. Honor his memory and his life for the person he was, not the one his family drove him to.

They'll blame it on his leaving the cult, instead of looking inward at themselves and what's amiss in their lives.

Condolences to you on the loss of your brother and best friend.

Amyjo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> You will have to go through the grieving stages
> without any support from those misfit morons of a
> family. You're not only grieving the tragic,
> senseless loss of your brother. You're grieving
> the loss of the family you once knew and loved.
>

You are right. Even with all the shunning that even nieces and nephews picked up on, I held some hope that there was something there for me. This has let me know that there is nothing left. So you are right, I am grieving the last hope of there being any hint of a family left.

My girlfriend has not really understood why I feel about my family like I do. This has laid it bare and she now knows that I have nothing there. Though it is still hard for her to understand how not being a Mormon can do that to a family.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your beloved brother. I know the pain of losing a much loved sibling, but unlike you I have been surrounded by loving extended family. I'm so sad that you don't have the love and support of your family at a time you need it most.

I'm glad you have your girlfriend by your side, and I hope you'll take comfort and strength from that. You were so fortunate to have a loving and strong relationship with your brother - cherish your memories of him.

I'm glad you both had a close relationship. Not all siblings are close when one leaves the church. And I am sorry that your brother took his own life. I wish he hadn't. And that was awfully disrespectful of your family and ex-sister-in-law from trying to bar you from the funeral. You're his brother and you loved him. You were the closest person in the family he had. If I were you, I would have gone. You should have gone for your brother. It's not about them.

I am so sorry for your loss, DNA. Not just your brother, but your family as well.

This is one of the main things I detest about Mormonism. People can tell me all day long that it's an Ok religion, and they have good values. But when rubber meets the road, and when people have real emotional needs, and when people need real answers to difficult questions, and they need bravery, and true expressions of love - Mormonism kills these things, time after time. It doesn't just block them. It puts them out, like throwing water on a fire.

Sometimes I almost wish there was a hell, so that Joseph, and Brigham, and all the other sleezebags who started this unholy lie could be held accountable for the pain they have inflicted on who knows how many people.

BTW - Looks like you've got a family here on RFM if you need one :)

How horrible!
I wish I had words to comfort you.

I am so sorry, I can't fathom your grief.

The whole banning thing reminds me of my not so nice Grandmother when my Dad (her son) died. She complained because my cousin spent her own money and flew to MN from NJ with her parents. Her exact words were "she was not invited". My mother looked her right in the eye and said it is a funeral, we don't send invitations, anyone who wants to mourn with us is welcome.

Someone needs to tell these a-hole's that bit of information.

I join the others in sending my sympathy for the loss of your brother and, likewise, the alienation from your family. It's all much too harsh from any way you look at it.

I've said it before and I'll say it until I'm long gone, funerals are for the living and not the dead. Your family has highjacked your brother's funeral for their own selfish purposes. It really isn't about your brother to them.

You can have a funeral of your own. You and your girlfriend and any of your friends you care to share it with can have a memorial, funeral, prayer service, whatever, to celebrate your brother and the love and trust you shared. You may need this for some closure. Your family's funeral would have been one, long infomercial for LDS, Inc. so it might have been more painful to attend than not to attend.

Your brother knew you were there for him when it counted. You did not have anything to do with him taking his life. He may have told you he was suicidal but short of following him around twenty-four seven you could not have prevented it. It was his decision. So sad your family has reduced his life to a struggle with pornography and nothing more. So sad.

Now it is time for you to take care of yourself. You cannot change or control others. They are too deluded to even realize the pain they have caused so please let it/them go and be happy knowing you were there for your brother and you have seen the sham that Mormonism is before you left this world. Your brother loved you and trusted you so hold that knowledge close to your heart and realize that it's the only important thing you need to know.

Best to you.

My deepest condolences and heartfelt desires for peace and healing for you. I, too, was shocked by the inappropriateness and stupidity of your family. I echo what Pooped said above about having your own private memorial with your brother. (((Hugs)))

I am very sorry for your loss. My dad's only brother just passed away, due to multiple health issues. We just had the funeral last week. Even though in a way it was a blessing given how much and for how long my uncle had been suffering, my dad is naturally really depressed. But if he had been banned from his own brother's funeral on top of it? God, I can't even imagine your grief and anger. I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that you clearly meant so much to your brother and surely kept him going much longer than he would have without your love and support.

DNA,
Big, heartfelt, warm internet hugs.

My suggestion:

Have your own 'funeral.' You don't need a casket, or an audience, or people who think you're evil.
You just need you -- and your supportive girlfriend if you want.

Sit down and talk about the things you loved about your brother. About how much you'll miss him. About the fun things you did as kids.

Then raise a glass to him. And promise (to yourself) not to ever forget him.

And screw mormonism.

And these worthless people imagine themselves going to heaven, or the Celestial Kingdom, because they are so very deserving and righteous.

And they imagine that their so-called CK will be filled with deserving and righteous people just like them.

Remind me again why we once wanted to go to the CK ourselves. To be surrounded by people like THAT for eternity, worshipping a god who rewarded such behavior. To be in hell and think it heaven.

DNA, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved brother. And I'm sorry for the pain that he had to endure in his lifetime.

Your family's treatment of him and of you is heartless. Honestly, I think your story should be handed to any missionary who ever knocks on a door. The Mormon church has absolutely nothing to offer in terms of kindness, decency, love, or tolerance.

You might consider sending your family members a mass email or text telling them that their hateful, heartless, unchristian behavior is what killed your brother. I think when people behave that badly, it needs to be called out, even if it's the last communication you have with them.

I agree, send them this posting that you wrote so they see your side. You have nothing to lose since they are pretty much gone anyway.

Your post is so devastating. Like someone else said, they made this funeral about themselves and mormonism, not about him.

There are ways to grieve without going to the funeral. Even if you just wrote down your feelings in a journal, it would probably help.

I also agree with someone above who said "Remind me again why we once wanted to go to the CK ourselves?"

Hugs and my sincere condolences. Losing your entire tribe of loved one's is beyond my comprehension. Though I have lost most of mine to the cult-ish behaviors and ways of religion, my children still will associate with me. For that I am grateful.

If I were in your shoes, I would contemplate copying and pasting this thread in it's entirety and putting it on FB or emailing it to each of them individually even though it would mean nothing to them as you mean nothing to them.

It would seem to me that you are better off without them. Best of life to you. Please keep us posted.

(((DNA))) I'm so sorry you lost your brother. And you are dealing with loss of your family. I think you and your sweet girlfriend should get together for your private memorial for your brother. I'm glad he had you to confide in and to comfort him.
Those family members are just ugly. They care more about a cult than about anything or anybody. You did the very best you could with trying to deal with them.
You hang in there. Time can really heal.

I read each of your comments. And there was a lot of good helpful thoughts in them. Thank you for your kindness.

I called a friend of mine last night that had worked for my brother like 15-20 years ago. He is Mormon, but not a Utah one. A Utah transplant, which seems to be better.

Anyway, I hadn't talked to him for seven years. I've lived in another country for six years, and he doesn't do fb. So I've lost track of him. I tracked him down to tell him about the funeral. And me being banned came out. He knew how close we were. Even though I called him just last night. He said that he would go there this morning and take pictures for me. We talked for an hour. He was very supportive, and genuinely asked if there was anything he could do. I need some stuff of mine that the brother was holding sent to me, and he immediately said he'd go get it and send it to me.

My girlfriend was so impressed. She isn't American, and she was afraid that my family was typical for how Americans behave. She was so relieved to know that there are good Americans. And that they all aren't like my family. She has expressed many times her shock that not being a Mormon can make people act that way.

My family is perhaps worse than a lot of pious Mormons even are. But they would be a lot better if they weren't Mormons.

Anyway. Thank you much for the messages. I thought this recovery thing was licked years ago when I stopped posting here. It's hard to know when Mormonism can rear it's ugly head and surprise you that you aren't done yet, as long as you have Mormons still in your life somewhere.

When my sister banned me, I told here that I was going to advertise my own funeral and hold a graveside service of my own. It was mostly just so that she didn't think that she won.

I live half way around the world. And the truth is, maybe nobody would come even if I flew there and did it. One of the things making him so lonely was that he was still Mormon.

He had and affair and divorced. He drank and slept with age inappropriate women (still adults though) using him for his money. But in his words, it at least gave him something to look forward to to keep him going another day.

So he knew what he was completely unsafe for other Mormons to want to be around. And he said all the other guys living the lifestyle that he was, were complete douche bags. And he didn't want to be with them.

So he was all alone. Mormons didn't like or approve of him. And he thought guys like him were losers. And he felt like a loser for living that way. And he lived in the heart of Mormonville his whole life. He didn't have others.

He thought happy valley was the best place in the world to live all his adult life. But it turned out to be the worst place for him to live. And the isolation of being a bad mormon, in happy valley, killed him.

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. The good thing is.. your bother already knows how much you loved him. His body is there, but he is not.

Stay strong. You did the right thing by not going. Remember the good times, and your love for eachother.

I've been to several funeral services over the last few years that there wasn't any remains present.

It reminded me of a Catholic priest who told me that a funeral wasn't for the dead, it was for the living.

He said he saw many of times petty family fights and hurt feeling were forgotten and friends and family came together and acted humane and civil to each other at a funeral. It was a gift the dead passed on to the living.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I, also, like the idea of your honoring your brother on your own, and also writing a eulogy for him. Perhaps you could publish it on FB, or send it in an e-mail, if that would make you feel better. You could also enter messages on the cemetery and mortuary websites.

If I were you, I would cut off all contact with your toxic family, before their hatred and lies cause you any further unhappiness.

Yes, they probably think they are doing the right thing, by putting their church FIRST, above everything else. Mormons are taught to behave this way towards anyone who dares to leave their evil cult. The Mormon Prophet, on National TV, accused all apostates of being "...lazy, offended...wanting to sin."
Unconditional love does not exist in the Mormon church. Russell M. Nelson said, "Unconditional love is anti-Christ." What?

Family is all about love! Your insane relatives can stop you from attending their (no doubt) LDS-slanted proselyting-fest of a funeral, but they can't stop you from sending your love for your brother out into the universe, and declaring it any way you want to.

I honestly think it was better for you to miss that funeral--for your sanity's sake. My TBM in-laws shunned me and disowned my children (their blood grandchildren) when my husband abandoned us, without any money, and refused to pay alimony. The in-laws blamed me for the divorce, but it was not my fault. Trust me--you are better off not having weirdo's like this in your life. They will try to destroy you. They want you to fail, to prove their religion is right, that those who leave the cult are doomed for failure and "outer darkness." God doesn't punish us, so the Mormons punish us on God's behalf. Anyone who wishes for your failure is an--ENEMY.

There were four suicides in my ex-husband's family: his cousin, his niece (while at BYU), his nephew, and then his father.

I feel sorry for anyone with a family like that. Concentrate on your girlfriend, your new country, your future.

DNA, I join hands with you, and others offering kindest and heartfelt wishes in your grief.

I can only add that having lost someone to suicide, it is an almost unbearable load of doubt and questions added to the sorrow, and that's a normal, human thing to do. The "what if I had..." doubts were the worst for me, and I thought of at least a thousand things I might have done to "prevent" the outcome.

I obsessively searched every corner, nook and cranny of our flat for weeks, looking for a note, a message, any clue that he knew I loved him, would tend him, would forgive him anything. I begged a god I had lost all faith in for mercy on him, on me. Both of us had lost our families, much like you and your brother, and we too, had only each other.

The difference in our stories is that I lived with him, came home and found him nearly dead, called emergency, and they kept him going for nine days. In the end, his brain no longer functioned, and he was removed from life support.

There is a similar, horrific family story as well, and yes, it was their behavior during that time that finalized any hope of reconciliation.

A dozen years later, and sometimes I still question myself about his death, but not very often. After some of the shock wore off, I began to realize that there could be no question that he knew I would drop anything, everything, to try to prevent his self-harm, prevent his death. I know he knew that. I know it.

That's why he didn't try harder to warn me, alert me, tell me not to go to work that day. It's not what he wanted. He wanted an end to his pain.

During that questioning-searching phase, I was so lost, so alone, that I often thought about ending my own pain. I made biggish decisions and choices instead, that would have been better done at a later time. Everything was just a distraction from my own pain, done with a "life will go on" blind rationalization.

Life did go on. It was too much to deal with all at once, and the lack of any so-called closure didn't help. Sometimes I thought that "closure" is a mostly false concept, something other people might get, but never "us." I've now come to realize that for me, the definition is an easing of that sharp, hideous pain, so intense that we are forever changed. It is a distance from the event that comes from putting one foot in front of the other, allowing the pain to move through me, sometimes passing out from the wracking sobs.

The death of my loved one did not just kill him, it killed parts of me too, finalized the loss of family, and I had to grieve those losses as well.

I have come out the other side to be who I think is a kinder, stronger, smarter person. I'm glad I didn't kill myself, and I'm glad one foot kept going in front of the other, heavy as they were.

You can survive this, and can shed the toxicity of both your family and TSCC-LDS. The only one whom bound you to either has left you, but has also left you a profound knowledge that your life is your own.

There will be hard, hard days ahead of you, but now, also the freedom to forge an authentic life, an authentic family full of unconditional love. It will be up to you to find a path for which he has cleared your way.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and let the sobs (crying) have their way with you.

Much love and my best hopes for your future.



ps- your girlfriend is welcome here - many nevermos who need to understand come here for support, because it can be too touchy to ask (and tell) a a significant other. If you want privacy here, there are other exmo sites to help her, too.

in your grief and sorrow.

I agree with Memes. Have some sort of memorial for your brother. Celebrate who he was and the closeness the two of you shared. Light a candle. Lift a glass and toast his memory. Write out a collection of your favorite memories of him.

The Exmo community is a kind of family, and, unlike the ones you were born into or married into, we CARE.

At the time of your choosing after your brother's gravestone is ready I would suggest that you have your own graveside memorial service for your brother. Invite all your real friends and exmo supporters. Prepare a memorial speech & then put it up on a website which you setup for the eternities. Depending on where your brother is buried I'm confident you would get a decent size crowd in attendance.

RIP to your brother. And may you find comfort in your loss. I am so sorry.

I'm sorry that Mormonism killed your brother. It's not a family friendly religion. The ex is obviously upset because her gravy train stopped. She blames you. So, here are the fruits of Mormonism. Any questions?

So sorry you have to suffer through this. Many of us think we have reached the bottom of how cruel mormons can be to their own family members, and then we find out AGAIN we were wrong.

Please consider having your OWN services for your brother. I would come to it. Many of us would come to it. We could record it and you could speak your truths and pay a proper tribute to your brother as he would have wished. I you will have at least some closure and finality too that you also deserve.

One day this will be a fitting thing to show to his children at the right time and place.

So sorry for your loss DNA. Peace.

You know what you had with your brother. Nobody can take that away from you. I like to think he knows that!

Too often people do things that are outrageously selfish and just plain hurtful and stupid.

So sorry this happened to you. No reason for people to be so nasty.

You have your relationship and memories to sustain you. The others that are not supportive can be left to go their own way and you can live a life that is what you want for you!

In my family, (not LDS) some of the same kinds of things happened, a couple generations back. Family can be your worse enemy.

Fortunately, you can choose your friends!

My best wishes to you as you deal with this.

I know this isn't going to change anything for your brother at all or for you in your grieving process. But I think its vitally important that each person going through the RfM process whose family/friends network (especially family) has been very TBM to put together a Will/Testament that covers the following matters:

1. Define "incapacitated" clearly.
2. How decisions are made for you on health, financial, and other matters if you are incapacitated but still alive.
3. How decisions are made for you upon your death for funeral, financial, heirlooms, custody of minor children, and any other matters.
4. Your preferences on medical care in case you are incapacitated.
5. Your preferences on financial and other matters in case you are incapacitated. I suggest that this be just one sentence that your executor is responsible for first meeting your health care obligations and then conservatively preserving your assets so that if you recover your financial condition will be stable.
6. All of your preferences on funeral and any related memorial matters.
7. All of your preferences on distribution of heirlooms in case of your death.
8. How expenses for medical, funeral, and other liability costs will be handled. If you don't have a net worth that is at least 100K greater than all your debts then please get a life insurance policy of at least 25K (or set aside at least this amount in savings accounts) to handle these things. By "net worth" I mean your total of all assets minus the total of all liabilities. If you own a 500K home with a 200K mortgage and you have 50K of other assets (but just 20K in savings) & 50K of other debts then you either need some life insurance or do something to increase your saving account balance fast as your net worth is just 300K vs. 250K debt & you are likely to cause unnecessary resolution hardships for your loved ones left behind.
9. All of your preferences on distribution of all your other assets in case of your death.
10. Who are the alternate executors for all of the above in case the people for #2 and #3 are unable or unwilling to perform these responsibilities for you.

I'm no attorney. I'm just a concerned exmo. And considering how the majority of us at age 109 are going to be dead (but still counted on the membership rolls of the Church) then this event is going to come for each of us. I hope that we can be prepared and show the world & future generations that the exmormons are brave and courageous pioneers :)

I am profoundly saddened to hear of your family situation. It is situations like these that makes me wonder if being fostered adopted between birth and kindergarten is such a bad thibg after all. The grief and injustice is partially based on expectations to have love in a family experience or tribal kinfolk network. Having no love but the chosen true love reflected in companionship and actual experience as reflected upon by your keen true life of companionship communicative caring and even your compassionate comprehension and understanding caring with which you communicated on observing your brothers difficulties in his dark night.

Know oh know all the knights you were together on the earth plane... even if it was over phone lines and text your ken your connection meant a lifetimes acceptance both ways. He died and you lived your whole life being accepted by each other. Loved and truroy loved.

Now that's a brother

I can't tell you how my heart broke so profoundly while reading your letter, no one should ever have to feel the pain and alienation that you have gone through.
If I could try to say something positive, think of how much worse your brother's life would have been with out you. At least you were there or im, a shoulder, a heart, a rock. And now the guilty find the excuses and fingerpointing to cloak their dastardly behavior. If they should ever develop any type of conscience, maybe they will realize their hatred, their judgement , their shunning contibuted to the passing of this troubled soul.
What a gift that he at least had you. I'd like to think that he had a hand in arranging circumstances that you ended up not attending. He could now see what a sham the whole thing was of gathering in his name. Have a personal send off and celebration in his memory even if it is only you and your girlfriend. Speak to each other of his goodness and how he is now free from pain, heartache, accusation and judgement. I myself know there is only so much pain a heart can stand before the proverbial "straw breaks the Camel's back". Bless you for always being there for him and for wanting to be there for his sendoff. I'd like to think he spared you attending as his gift to you. I also know you will continue to honor and love him and your love will keep him and his memory alive forever.
Have no qualms about writing off the family. Many of us learn we are given the family we have ( for better or worse), but thank goodness we can choose our friends ! Please know many of us feel for you 1

I popped back in here and read your responses. Thank you all for your support and concern.

One interesting event since the funeral, I asked a brother to make a mental note and tell me about the funeral. He didn't contact me and tell me, but I contacted him through instant messaging. I asked it if was a good time to call. He said, "No, I'm with family."
Can't talk to me because he is with his family? We're brothers!

So that helped put my position a little more firmly out. Not a single sibling messaged me and said, hey, you must be hurting. So through all of this, everything is more clear. I told him that he didn't seem surprised when I said that I was banned.He said, "I knew that there were conversations and things said that led to you not attending the funeral."

I replied, "I see. I had hoped that J and M were the only crazy ones. And that if others had known, they would have said that it was crazy and not stand for it. But thanks for the info." That was perhaps the last we'll talk/message.

Well, I changed my life insurance beneficiaries. I've tried to get used to not having a family. I'm contemplating how they all rallied around him in death, but not when he was alive and "Sinning". How they can all be professing how they wish they had known, and could have done more. At the same time that they are doing it to me.

The sister that banned me posted this to a former bishop that posted condolences on her fb. "Thank you Bishop. I believe C is ok. I believe the time between death and resurrection is part of our probationary state and that Chris will be able to repent and I believe he will."

So caught up in him needing to repent, and not seeing their own sins that are greater. It annoyed me that rather then professing love and such, she is posting about him being a sinner.

Oh, well. Just some random thoughts as I try to make sense of all this. Thanks for your concern all who posted. Every single one of you offered far more support than any sibling, of which there was zero.

Your family is really, really sick and messed up. Some of Mormonism's worst victims. They are the ones who need to repent, not your brother. Maybe you don't have family anymore, but there seems to be no plus side to having yours anyway. I guess that's not very comforting.

Best to you.

DNA, I hope that you saw this post by SoCal Apostate from June 21. He thinks you might be second cousins.

Anyway, here is the link just in case you missed it.


http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1988529


I hope that you are related and that you can connect. Good luck to you!

...but understand that there could be a lot of reasons why he may not want to.

Best wishes for him either way.

As I don't follow the board anymore, I missed this. So thank you Kathleen!

I sent you contact information on the post Kathleen linked to.

Kinship confirmed and contact established.

You are so welcome!
:D

I also changed the beneficiaries of my 401K and other retirement accounts. They used to be my sister and her children. Then it finally got through to me that I mean absolutely nothing to them. It took me long enough but without boring you with the details, I was deeply hurt many, many times. Now some very fine charities that care about others will be receiving whatever is left at my passing. Knowing this makes it so much easier to bare the slings and arrows aimed at me by unfeeling family. They will never know the financial gain they missed out on but I will know and it does take some of the sting away.

Best to you.

Hey, thanks for the idea about charities. It didn't enter my mind.

If my girlfriend and I had died together in a crash or something, the sister who banned me would have had lots of money. I changed it to my girlfriends daughter. As a third, I chose the brother that couldn't talk to me because he was with family. Not because I wanted to. I just had no one else to give it to. I didn't even think of a charity. I'll change it again.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/13/2017 09:42AM by DNA.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/13/2017 09:44AM by DNA.

First, I am so sorry you lost your brother and dear friend. This now California (once Utah) chick is sending you good vibes and comforting thoughts in this horrible time.

Your family is a huge bunch of idiotic assholes. I know because I have been through something almost identical with mine- 20 years + with one half and 12+ with the other. Fuck this religion and everything the adherence does to turn people into narcissistic , judgemental sociopaths.

You were there for him when everyone else was on their perfect white- high horses. That counted.

Even when he was a dick in the way he left his marriage you still loved him and listened. That counted.

We should all get to be imperfect, flawed people who make mistakes, grow, change and go through some scary stuff. That is life.

You should have been able to be at that funeral, but really, they probably didn't want you there because you were actually THERE for him. You would have served as a reminder of how they are truly assholes themselves. Too much cognitive dissonance for them and besides, funerals are a chance to proselytize right?

Funerals are good for closure for loved ones but life counts. I hope this gets easier to bear. I hope he is released from all of the pain he must have been in and I hope your family wakes up.

My only suggestion would be to have a ceremony of some kind to celebrate him, to say goodbye. It could be a ceremony of one even. He would have hated the funeral they gave him anyway. Give him a good one.

MoMism sets people & families up for failure, but leaders don't can't admit it, because that could frighten 'successful' families, of which there are a few.
Most of those however have Peter & Molly parents in the Stepford tradition.

Thinking, introspection, and real logic, along with any hint of questioning leaders is Strictly Verbotten, will rot your teeth, cause your hair to fall out, & all TBMs within a 5 Km radius will shun you, forever.

Just like Jesus would do (WWJD)

I'm sure...

It's been a few weeks. Here's where I'm at.

I unfriended everyone in my family on fb. I have a tendency, but not too strong of one, of seeing what they are doing on fb and wishing that they were interested in my life. I gave up on ever being important to any of them at all. So it was easier to not see what is happening with them ever.

I needed to know who the executor of my brother's estate was, and asked my brother to find out. He's very passive aggressive, and acted like he would find out, but did nothing. I finally called him out on it today, then bumped him off fb.

My girlfriend who sees this all with fresh nevermo eyes, can't believe what is happening. She thought at the time of the funeral that I should keep them as fb friends. But after reading the fb messages between my brother and I, she was saying, "Block him! I can't believe a brother would act this way!" "You better just never see them again."

But it still baffles her how being a Mormon can do this.

So I've decided that I'm done. I was getting nothing at all from trying anyway. Every time I saw them, which was years and years apart, I could tell that I had sunk lower in their eyes each time. There really wasn't much left at all. They didn't have any respect for me or my feelings. They taught nieces and nephews that thought that I was awesome, to not like me. Etc. But I've decided that I am completely done. I have no family now. If a parent or sibling dies, I won't be there. I probably won't even know it happened. I'm that far done with them.

Partly it is freeing to not be knocking my head against the wall, making no progress at all. Partly sad that I have no family. But being banned from a funeral was the last straw of what was almost nothing at all anyway. I keep telling my girlfriend that I wish that I could go back in time, and find the grandfather that joined the Mormon church, and stop him. If my family weren't mormon, perhaps we would be happy and support each other. I can only imagine what that would be like.

I'm auditioning family members now if anyone needs a really cool brother!

Hm. I might be interested. Could you fill me in on perks? Also base salary? And how often I have to validate you by saying things like, "What a great brother!" Do I have to provide my own power tools? Do I get mileage and/or per diem?

I'm able to build a house, and help siblings with theirs when they need help.

I can fix things, and help siblings when they need it.

I'm good at landscaping, and will drive to siblings houses with a tiller and help them get their yards going and give ideas and bring them plants to get them started.

When I have a truck and trailer, I help move, pick up large items they purchase, etc.

I play with nieces and nephews and they think I'm great.

I'm educated and make good conversation.

I'm a licensed therapist, and give lots of help on parent child issues, or if someone just needs to talk.

I loan money when siblings are in a bind.

Anyway, that's just some of what was usual for me to do, before I came under satan's spell and couldn't be trusted to associate with. I'm sure I'd be the same with a new family.

Okay, then. Add me to your list of prospects. I do much the same as you, the difference being that, so far, my family has been significantly nicer to me than yours was to you. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. What a great church, eh?

And I'm really happy you have a tiller. I'll have to come borrow it.

Your "blood relatives" put you in a position wherein you had no choice to do what you did. They wanted it done this way--you cutting them off rather than the other way around-- so that for the rest of their lives they can claim that they were taking the the high road, clinging to the higher moral ground, and that they were loving to you. They will say that. They are Mormons.

It is like a boss making your job such hell that you quit so that you can't draw unemployment benefits from the company account.

I am sad for you. My family didn't go that far but I always felt like a guest at family gatherings. The phone calls were mostly "duty" calls. My sanctimonious brother's children would look at me like the devil incarnate.

Forget them. Don't carry a whisper of hope with you that it will all change. Your girlfriend is right. They are just enjoying you be the one on the outside with your nose pressed up against the window. They get off on it. They are Mormons.

Many of us found new families. In the end it is actually a step up. Really. Best to you.