As if it isn't hard enough watching my mother deal with the insults age heaps upon her, I now have to deal with character assassination at her skilled care facility.

Turns out one of her CNA's took offense when I asked her to wash her hands. This isn't something I normally ask aids to do but in Mom's case, Mom was newly out of the hospital and had been on antibiotics so strong they nearly killed her. The last thing I wanted was to have Mom get a cold and have it turn into pneumonia. This aid had come to work with a cold and was wearing a mask so I asked her to please wash her hands as an extra precaution. The other aids were happy to comply. Not this one.

I just found out that this aid has been trashing me for the past four months over this incident. She has told anyone that will listen that I accused her of having scabies and that I thought she was dirty because she came from Africa. I think the guy I dated for three years and almost married who was born and raised in Africa would find that statement a real hoot.

Anyway, the administrators believe this even though I told them it was lies. My name is dirt now. I had to take a lawyer in to have a conflict resolution meeting and it degenerated into a crucifixion of me. I was stunned by the whole event. My lawyer even commented on how it was obvious that they had convicted me of racial bias before they even talked with me.

I think I now have some idea what it must feel like to go through and excommunication.

I'm sorry for your experience. I would find another facility for your mom.

Report it to the state agency regulating nursing homes. Medical care providers should wash their hands on coming into or leaving a patient's room. Retaliating against a family member who asks a medical care provider to wash their hands before touching a patient should be concerning to the regulating authority.

I hope your mom can be moved to a better facility.

This facility is the best in town and Mom bought into it. Therefore, if she leaves she will not be able to get her money back nor afford another place. We are stuck here. Most of Mom's care is excellent but this one aid is, literally, a psychopath. I don't mean the kind that kills people but the kind that knows how to manipulate, lie, steal and come out looking like a saint. I am certain of her pathology and I don't say this lightly. The problem with her is scary because she knows that by claiming racial prejudice it will be nearly, if not totally, impossible to have her fired. I was able to demand that she not be allowed near my mother unless she is with another aid worker. The other aids seem to be fine with me but I'll never know just how many she has influenced with her lies. I do know that she was very close to another aid that did much the same sort of thing but they had a falling out. The other one is quitting in August. I don't think psychopaths tend to band together. They don't know the meaning of loyalty.

I also think she is stealing from Mom. I cannot prove a thing. She is so slick she has the director of the facility eating out of her hand. Apparently she was able to cry, sob, and shake with fits over the horrible treatment she gets from me. I've hardly ever spoken to the woman and the few times I did were always courteous. Psychopaths are good at this kind of behavior. I'm beating myself up for not recognizing some of the signs of psychopathy since I'm a psychologist but some are so slick they can fool even some of the best of us. I think she picked up the clues that I didn't fall for her sugary sweet fawning over Mom when she first arrived. I was always put off by her but never knew exactly why. Now I know. I sure wish I could get my hands on her employment history. I bet it would be full of similar behavior at other facilities.

Thanks for listening. I just need to tread carefully and line up my defenses. Mom isn't anywhere near dying so I'll have to prepare myself for the long haul.

Many cell phones have a recording function

If you suspect that she's stealing, get a nanny cam. The kind that looks like an innocent teddy bear, or something else inconspicuous that will save the video somewhere only you can access.

I don't doubt your story at all, but it is incredible that a request to wash hands at a care facility can be interpreted as bigotry as opposed to a desire to control nosocomial infection.

That washing hands between handling different patients even must be YOUR request, rather than policy, is also incredible.

That someone would claim that skin "of color" should be exempt from such a policy and/or discipline for the sole reason that s/he is "of color" is irrational. That the admins of the hospital don't have such a policy in place is negligence; your story is among the reasons why.


I think it's possible that you are being/have been used as a patsy for an EEOC claim against an employer. You can't possibly be the only one that she has accused. Rather than a costly battle against EEOC claimants, a quiet settlement with a non-disclosure will be had. You will find nothing in either past employment or court records.

Anything you say to this person will be twisted into fodder to support the claim. Recording is your, and the facility's, only defense. Nanny cams to protect your mother (and it will protect you and the facility as well). That's the conversation that your lawyer should have with admin.


I'm basing the presumptions on a Doyle-type logic, where nothing is making sense, and, follow the money.

New Name Noah can probably give you some pointers on setting up a camera. He seems to be pretty good at hiding cameras.

I have far too much nursing home experience and will share with you what I was not able to do.
This will be incredibly difficult but you will need to line up 10-12 friends and family members of all races to do a 24 hour watch in your mother's room.
Be kind. Have chocolates for everyone and small gift cards available to every worker of every race and very quietly pass them out to everyone but her but don't tell any worker that anyone else got a gift card. Be cheerful to everyone but glare at her with a smile on your face. Keep a notebook on the bedside table and photograph your notes every time you depart.
Your goal is to get her to find another job.

"That the admins of the hospital
don't have such a policy in
place is negligence;"

This is a skilled care facility and NOT a hospital. However, they DO have plenty of such policies in place. That's not the problem at all. If policies aren't followed it is simply their word against mine. That's the real problem. This woman is not telling the truth. She can tell I see through her game and has trashed me in order to discredit me. It's basically her word against mine. Since they believe her and not me, she can now do no wrong in their eyes. The very reason she claimed racial bias is because she knows that nothing I've said or done is wrong nor can be used against me. She needed serious dirt so she created it. She has made-up gross lies to get me out of her way. Now she can pretty much get away with murder because she has the administrators believing that I'm a heartless "B" who will scare away their employees. And it's very difficult to keep skilled care facilities staffed. The turnaround is unbelievable.

This woman has been there for two years so she has quite a lot of power, authority, and prestige simply through seniority. None of the other aids have been there nearly as long. She knows everyone will believe her. They also do not want to lose her. None of the other aids have any problems with me whatsoever. I get along fine with all the others. The nurses like me too.

I think this a"bad egg" employee is following a pattern of behavior she has used before to gain power because she's got her methods down to a science. She doesn't really need the aids and nurses on her side because she went straight to the administrators who stay in their offices and never see what's actually happening in the halls. So she cried to them and got tons of sympathy. And I've done absolutely NOTHING to this woman. I never, ever even complained about her. But she knew I might someday so she jumped ahead of me and cut me off at the knees. She is very, very cunning.

Request this aide not be assigned to care for your parent. I did that for my mother. She just did not like the woman (who interestingly enough was white). She preferred any other person on the floor.