Forestpal (can't log in)
Date: June 21, 2017 12:33PM
I read it last night, after seeing Shapeshifter's post, and it is definitely a must-read!
The author came to many of the same conclusions I have made, after being cult-free for almost 10 years. The author explains it all! She uses different terminology, but her repetitions (for which she apologizes, but doesn't need to) eventually make things clear. So--read on! And find yourself!
"The Double Bind" described my Mormon ex-husband's manipulations very well. He had me and our children dancing around him, trying to please him, while he sat there like an implacable boulder. This book explains why the more we tried to please him, the more he resented us. The children got nothing but criticism and name-calling and rejection from him, yet they obeyed him, and were good kids. Mormon BIC, and Mormon raised, he was the center of the universe, and the most selfish person I have ever known. He was a classic Narcissist. He abandoned all of us, and went to live with a woman who had picked him up at a bar. The truth was that he had been cheating on me for our entire marriage.
This book answered the questions: Why did my husband end up hating me (us) so much? Why did his criticism of us escalate, as we became more successful? The more we grew, the nicer we were, the more he hated us. He hated us enough to completely abandon us, with no house, no money, no contact at all for 4 years. Why? Our children are wonderful! They didn't deserve this. It is not about the victims--the "Bound" ones--it is all about the "Binder" who has the manipulative power.
This book explains why, after being a formally-resigned ex-Mormon for 10 years, I still have trouble with my identity.
I'm going to get the whole book, and re-read it. I have been avoiding the painful issues, with the excuse that I have to concentrate on my family and career. Thinking about the awful Mormon abuse makes me sad--but, the author is right: naming the problem is important to recovery. It is painful to go back and realize how deeply harmed I was by abusive Mormons.
Seriously--I have still been feeling like a "nothing." I was going to use that as my moniker, when I came here on RFM. Nothing I could do ever pleased my "spoiled child" of an ex-husband. Nothing was ever good enough for my TBM parents, or my TBM in-laws. I was the only organist, and a certified teacher, and cub scout den mother for 12 years, but nothing satisfied the church. I was marginalized because I was a divorced single working mother. I had a great career--yet I was condemned for it. They wanted me to clean the toilets.
When my ex started breaking our "agreement", I offered to go to work, to earn money. Money seemed to please him. I already had a few good stocks I inherited from my grandfather, and other stocks from a Silicon Valley company I worked for, after graduating from BYU--and I made the down payment on our house--so I could pay my way, a little. He refused to let me work, so I volunteered in the schools, and was elected onto the Board of Education. I was happy. I always was fit and looked nice. I listened to him. I loved him, and was always faithful, though I had other offers. After he left, he called, and told me that sex with me was the best of his life, so that wasn't an issue. I was a good mother. The children were darling, and entertaining. I kept up the house and yard and the cars, and didn't bother him with chores. He had me plan and pay for our vacations, which always included golf, which he seemed to enjoy. I never tried to force him to go to church, when he didn't want to. Yet, his hatred of me and our children, grew into eventual physical violence. I always wondered "Why" and "How" this could happen.
"The Double Bind" examines this process in great detail! It dissects and analyzes the thought processes and the manipulations of a Narcissistic sociopath, like my ex-husband. The author doesn't use the words "Narcissist" or "sociopath" or "psychopath." I thought her language was very clear.
This also explains why I felt "rebellious" against Mormonism, when I started taking better care of myself. I had slacked off (a "nothing" doesn't need or deserve TLC), so I started walking in the forest every day, with my dog. I threw out all the old Mormon recipes that were full of sugar and lard. I ate healthy food, dropped 20 pounds, let my hair grow long, and stopped straightening it. Why did I think of these simple things as "anti-Mormon?"
The book explains exactly why.
The book addresses shunning, and made me feel much better about dealing with it.
The book also explains how we can recover our individuality, which, for me, is the next step.
It answered all those long-nagging questions for me! Thank you, Marion Stricker, and thank you, Shapeshifter for recommending this book. >^..^<
Sorry for the rant